Has anybody become friends with the affair partner after the relationship is over ?

[mattdonewrong]

This is my first post so I’m sorry if this is a repost

 

Has anybody become good friends with the affair partner after its all over and done ? I mean no sex or any kind of intimacy

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is my first post so I’m sorry if this is a repost

 

Has anybody become good friends with the affair partner after its all over and done ? I mean no sex or any kind of intimacy

 

A really big No.

 

He wanted to be "friends". "Friends" is just a cover for "I'm really selfish and only care about myself and my own needs. I don't actually want you right now because I'm not quite sure what will happen with my spouse (who I am lying to about even talking to you) but I want to keep you on the hook just in case as it's easier than grooming a new person, plus it relieves my guilt if we are friends. I don't feel like the bad guy/gal."

[Whoknew30]

I didn't bc I reconciled with my H but I know other's that have in situations where there was no dday. I don't particularly think it's right but I know it's been done.

 

What are the details of the A? Was there a dday, how long...that sort of information. Still married, divorced? Is she married?

[BTDT2012]

Only if the BS is ok with it. My WH's AP couldn't understand why I wasn't onboard with them being friends.

[RecentChange]

Are you married? Is your affair partner married?

 

If you are both SINGLE sure, you can try to be friends.

 

If either of you are not single, NO!!! NO! You can not be friends, it's still cheating

[Satu]

There's a saying that I grew up with:

 

 

"You can't make a silk purse out of a pigs ear."

 

 

Being friends is a million miles higher on the scale of relating, than that of being affair partners.

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Satu

[Mr. Lucky]

Are you married? Is your affair partner married?

 

This would be important information. The affair label implies a committed relationship on the part of one or both AP's. If those relationships are still intact, one of two things would be true -

 

- BS's don't know the friendship continues, which means the affair isn't over.

 

- BS's know about the affair and the continued friendship, which means you should probably call Jerry Springer. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Joie]

I am the BS and my WS is NOT friends with his AP. Additionally, he is no longer friends with any acquaintances that were associated with the affair (Random people that knew about it).

 

While I would not be okay with him being friends with his AP it really didn't matter. Once the affair fog lifted and he saw the damage he had done with his actions he would never be friends with her. He could only be in one relationship and this relationship is our marriage. WE ARE FRIENDS. His AP was just some chick he thought he cared about under fake conditions.

 

Plus seriously, how would that work. "Hey want to hang out and think about that time we had sex and I destroyed my entire family hurting every person who loves me and that I love." Um....that is a big NO.

[standtall]

Why would you, or why would your spouse...assuming your still married...put up with it?

[Searching4Love]

Are you married? Is your affair partner married?

 

If you are both SINGLE sure, you can try to be friends.

 

If either of you are not single, NO!!! NO! You can not be friends, it's still cheating

 

pretty sure this is the easiest and best way to put it

[ShatteredLady]

You chose to have an affair. You searched for this site. I assume that you read some of the heart wrenching threads. You chose the name Matt Done Wrong!!

 

Matt, don't even think about doing more wrong!

 

The affair was very, very wrong. Continuing an EA under the guise of 'friendship' is just adding insult to injury.

 

Read the OM/OW forum. There are similar questions & many, many devastated women crying about trying to maintain 'NC' (No Contact) to mend their broken hearts & rebuild their broken lives.

 

Have some compassion, some empathy. If you care anything about your OW (& wife if you have one) leave this alone. Maintain NC with your OW. Do some work in therapy to figure out why you think that any of this is acceptable behavior. If you had remorse you wouldn't be asking this question.

[elaine567]

You can only become friends with an affair partner if you truly do not care for them in a romantic way, otherwise it is impossible to do.

Dumpers usually always want to be friends, as they are no longer involved and they simply want to to keep that person in their life as someone to talk to, as their plan B, or to assuage their own guilt over dumping them. ("See I cannot be that bad a person if he/she still wants to be my friend")

 

The besotted/dumped one wants to be friends as they think it gives them a chance for more and they get to keep the object of their affection still in their life, but when they realise ONLY friendship is offered and it will lead nowhere, their heart is broken all over again.

[heartwhole]

Read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You chose to have an affair. You searched for this site. I assume that you read some of the heart wrenching threads. You chose the name Matt Done Wrong!!

 

Matt, don't even think about doing more wrong!

 

The affair was very, very wrong. Continuing an EA under the guise of 'friendship' is just adding insult to injury.

 

Read the OM/OW forum. There are similar questions & many, many devastated women crying about trying to maintain 'NC' (No Contact) to mend their broken hearts & rebuild their broken lives.

 

Have some compassion, some empathy. If you care anything about your OW (& wife if you have one) leave this alone. Maintain NC with your OW. Do some work in therapy to figure out why you think that any of this is acceptable behavior. If you had remorse you wouldn't be asking this question.

 

Yeah. On the off chance you are posting because you were the OM and you miss this woman, maybe you were the one hurt, you will only keep the hurt alive by a friendship.

 

NC = No new hurts.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I am the BS and my WS is NOT friends with his AP. Additionally, he is no longer friends with any acquaintances that were associated with the affair (Random people that knew about it).

 

While I would not be okay with him being friends with his AP it really didn't matter. Once the affair fog lifted and he saw the damage he had done with his actions he would never be friends with her. He could only be in one relationship and this relationship is our marriage. WE ARE FRIENDS. His AP was just some chick he thought he cared about under fake conditions.

 

Plus seriously, how would that work. "Hey want to hang out and think about that time we had sex and I destroyed my entire family hurting every person who loves me and that I love." Um....that is a big NO.

 

This ^

 

My WW won't even reference the OM by name. He is always a pronoun.

[Violince]

Yes, and really, seriously, DON'T. There is no end to the heartache it causes. Seconding the "Not Just Friends" recommendation. If I'd read that at any time before, during, or after my affair (but at the very least right after it was discovered), it would have ended the world of hurt that my BH is still enduring now because of the poor choices I made. I scoffed at this idea for a long time, believing that "just friends" was possible, but it really is not and you will only continue to hurt if you keep it going. Please take my experience and others' to heart. I wish I'd had the resources to realize that early on.

[Noirek]

It probably has happened. So it probably is possible. But if one or both people are still with their partner it is not a good thing. But rather a terrible, terrible thing.

 

I know this young woman who found out that her long term live in boyfriend had slept with one of his female friends during the first six months of their relationship. She had had her suspicion at the time but he had gaslighted her and convinced her nothing had happened and she had moved on. He remained friends with the girl. His girlfriend found out five years after the fact. But she wasn't just upset he had lied about the ons with the female friend. It was the fact they had both remained friends and kept this secret from her for 5 years. Their friendship appeared to be more important to him then his relationship.

[Grapesofwrath]

Negative. Bad idea. This is not "friends." This is just changing from a PA to an EA. This is selfishness.

 

You were never friends. You were lovers. Important to be honest with yourself about that distinction. Trying to become friends is delusional.

[merrmeade]

This is my first post so I’m sorry if this is a repost

 

Has anybody become good friends with the affair partner after its all over and done ? I mean no sex or any kind of intimacy

Too many unspecified variables are missing from such a generalized question, but the answers you've gotten are the bottom line. Nothing else is really valid.

 

Everyone's assuming this refers to friendship between the WS and the AP after the A, right?

 

If so, then it really all depends on how much the BS knows, and, if the BS knows, then it depends on whether the BS and WS are reconciled. If they're trying to reconcile, then good lord no; there is no space for the AP in their efforts. None.

 

But if the BS doesn't know or isn't in the picture any more, then it depends on what kind of people the WS and AP are, doesn't it?

• Honest? Well, clearly not.
  
• Transparent? Nope, not that either.
  
• Open, vulnerable, loyal, generous, dependable, trustworthy? Well, they just watched each other compromise every one of these qualities during the A, so how could they trust each other enough to have a real friendship after witnessing and practicing that level of duplicity with others?

The WS I know, whose BS did not know about several affairs, remained peripherally connected to the APs but not in real friendship or trust.

 

And if one of the affair partners felt dumped on, don't think the dumpee would be open to more in the name of friendship.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Only if the BS is ok with it. My WH's AP couldn't understand why I wasn't onboard with them being friends.

 

The insanity of that made me laugh so much I nearly choked on my tea BTDT!

[BTDT2012]

The insanity of that made me laugh so much I nearly choked on my tea BTDT!

The only thing more insane was me having a conversation with her.

[BenchCoach]

Well, if you're god at compartmentalizing, it might be possible. People who have affairs are good at that, so there is that.

 

If you and/or her are married/attached, I find this situation highly disrespectful to the BS, though.

[Cephalopod]

You cant have your SO and your exAP too Matt. Choose one.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I cannot imagine having a "friendship" with the man who almost destroyed my husband...and I know beyond any shadow of a doubt...had i even considered a friendship with the AP...my marriage would be over....period.

 

I do not believe you can remain friends with your AP....unless of course you divorce. But if you remain in your marriage....I think a friendship with your AP...is absolutely not possible...

[Wade Lamare]

So Matt, assuming you are talking about you what exactly is the scenario?

 

If the betrayed spouse knows about the affair and agrees to let their partner remain as friends then I suppose it's ok, but I really can't imagine many scenarios where a betrayed spouse would allow that.

 

If the betrayed spouse does not know about the affair, then remaining friends with the affair partner, possibly meeting or inviting them to social occasions, shows enormous disrespect and contempt for your spouse. It will also compound any anger and grief that the betrayed spouse feels if the affair is ever discovered.