Grieving

[Logo]

After a recent breakup I was looking through our texts and comparing the first few ones from our first few dates to the last few days, how two love birds ended up losing that beautiful spark, that special connection to the point that neither sees a future with the other. I'd be willing to work on it if she was willing, too. I don't think she does. It breaks my heart, looking at the tenderness, affection, warmth and love each of us had for the other and the anger, resentment and bitterness we now have.

 

I wish I could meet her for the last time and remind her of how we were, forget the past and start anew. It was beautiful while it lasted, until it started spiraling and snowballing, with alienation, lack of effective communication, anger and passive aggressiveness and disappointment running the relationship into the ground.

 

I am left with so many unanswered questions. Was it an accumulation of problems or was there one particular incident that crushed us?

 

It can't be over. It just doesn't make sense. She had her shortcomings, I had mine, but the tipping point was when the relationship turned into work.

 

Why couldn't we work things out?

[Logo]

How long do you normally wait before you copy and remove pictures of the two of you together, or texts from your phone after a breakup?

 

I did that yesterday with the pictures. I copied them all on to a memory stick, but now that they are not on my phone I feel a great sense of loss. I feel like I want to put them back on the phone. Now I have these gaps in my photo gallery timeline and it makes me feel like there was nothing there, that it meant nothing. But I still have all those beautiful memories and the fact I removed the pictures is making me feel really bad about this. I don't know what to do.

[SoThatHappened]

You did the right thing by getting those pictures off of your phone.

 

I did the same thing. I actually emailed all of the pics to a "ghost" email account of mine.

 

I did all of this very soon after my breakup over 2 years ago.

 

Once in a while I'll look at the pictures (mainly the sexy ones she sent). I also have no residual feelings for her, so it doesn't set me back.

 

Leave the memory stick in a place that takes some effort to get to.

 

By not having those emotional/memory triggers at your fingertips, you've taken another step forward to moving on.

[2005tahoe]

ASAP! Just did that today after getting friendzoned.....again.

 

 

Ive been NC for 2 weeks.

[Logo]

Somehow, I felt more comfortable with the pictures staying on my phone. I haven't been looking at them that often, but it was comforting to know that all those fond memories, embraces, and smiles were within arms reach.

[springy]

Somehow, I felt more comfortable with the pictures staying on my phone. I haven't been looking at them that often, but it was comforting to know that all those fond memories, embraces, and smiles were within arms reach.

 

They still are. They're just "in a box". You did a good thing for yourself.

[robert-zell]

Sometimes I remove immediately to avoid memories. But most of all photos are long. All the same, it's part of my life.

[Mrin]

About 9 minutes. But I don't copy. I just delete.

[Frozensushi]

I deleted all the pics off my computer and phone. Then I realized that Google AND Verizon both had automatically backed up all the pics to the cloud. So I spent 2 hours, deleting each pic individually. It took forever.

 

Just get rid of everything. I even sent my Ex back a painting she made for me. I didn't want to toss it, but it was too hard to look at or to even know it was in my possession. Her mom always wanted it, so I put a note with the painting asking if she'd give it to her mother.

 

If it's really over, I don't see the point holding on to pictures or memories of a lost love. That person is essentially now a stranger in your life.

[Toodaloo]

I don't tend to look back on pictures on my phone. Not a great selfie taker here so I don't bother because I am not all that inclined to look...

 

I do remove every thing I will see and look at in my home though. It could be a card they sent that I still have up, or their shirts hanging in the wardrobe etc.

 

It all gets returned or packed away/ thrown away at the earliest possible time.

 

I don't want to sit around moping over what could have been and its bad enough with out those reminders.

 

The faster you do this stuff the easier it is.

[K2z]

Delete. Delete like you are an Old Testament God forging a new covenant upon the earth.

 

Delete every conceivable photographic scrap, scribbled word, subconscious thought.

 

You are under the temporary administration of a ruthless automaton following a flawless piece of software. This condition will prevail while your heart heals.

 

DELETE.

[Logo]

We reconciled after a bump in our relationship. A couple of weeks later I found out that she had just cheated on me. I broke up with her and asked her "Why?"

 

All I got were vague explanations.

 

Since we broke up she has texted me a couple of times to wish me well.

 

It's been a couple of weeks. Would you break contact and try and get answers to many, many questions?

Edited September 21, 2016 by Logo

[JewelD]

No. The relationship is over. You probably won't get the answers you are looking for and even if you did, it wouldn't make you feel better.

 

She cheated on you. What else do you really need to know?

[DarrenB]

No. No questions need to be asked. Why would you feel the need to hurt yourself more, by hearing in-depth about the situation?... For closure? it's not worth it.

 

You feel like you want to know every single detail, but believe me... you do not. Not under any circumstance should you ask the person who would be so spiteful in doing this as to 'why' would they do such a thing.

 

A couple weeks have gone by you say? make it longer, in fact, make it indefinitely. You do not need to involve yourself or have to waste your own breath and time on people who wouldn't do the same to you. It's clear she wasn't right for you, it's clear she didn't deserve you. Get rid of her, she's not worth it.

 

Regardless, if you've only received 'vague explanations', it's clear she's just not willing to give you the answers you seek. Let it and her go forever!

[Satu]

*All I got were vague explanations.

 

Since we broke up she has texted me a couple of times to wish me well.

 

It's been a couple of weeks. **Would you break contact and try and get answers to many, many questions?

 

*Then you've been given your explanations.

 

Very often people can't give you a clear explanation.

 

"I don't know why I did it. It just seemed right at the time."

 

I didn't think about it; I just did it."

 

And so on...

 

 

**Absolutely not. You already know all you need to know. She cheated, and the relationship is over.

 

 

Take care.

[BC1980]

I wouldn't break NC, but I understand why you want to. It's really common to want answers after a breakup occurs. I went to my ex for answers, but I didn't understand or like what he told me.

 

Before you make any decisions, try to look at this logically and ask yourself: if you break NC, what questions would you ask?

[kztar]

She won't give you the answers you are looking for. It would be a total waste of time. It will also set you back.

 

DON"T DO IT.

 

USE this forum to vent and ask those questions. Based on personal experience I say DO not do it.

[LostOnes05]

Don't do it. The best thing you'll get from her at this point are breadcrumbs without a glass of water. Keep no contact and remember that she cheated on you and can't be trusted. Everything else is irrelevant.

 

Trust me, I know how it feels to get cheated on. So don't do it, you'll only be hurting yourself more.

[Logo]

what questions would you ask?

 

 

When exactly did you decide to go ahead with it? I want to know if there was an event or something that triggered it.

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

I have gone through breakups before. Now I'm grieving the fact that I will never be with her again. But I realize that as time passes it won't matter and I won't feel the same about it. It's still hard to comprehend.

 

We had great times together. Two love birds. I never wanted it to end, neither did she, but I guess it was circumstances and life that eventually took their toll on the relationship.

 

Maybe we were not compatible. But we got along just fine until we hit a couple of bumps. We got over them, but they chipped away at the relationship. I tried to rekindle the flame, but I felt that she expected me to do most of the work, and then she checked out.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Logo

[Blanco]

Chances are, if you can't think of one particular incident that would've caused her to break things off, then there isn't one. Breakups rarely work that way. Short of infidelity, abuse, or something along those lines, most breakups are the simmering of a collection of issues and details brought to a boil.

 

Even if you had the chance to ask her, she would be unlikely to give you one specific reason why she ended it. Right now, you are seeking more specific answers because you're operating under the incorrect assumption that the reason(s) is something you can fix.

[aloneinaz]

A couple of thoughts;

 

Don't use your need to "know why" as a excuse or reason to break NC. It doesn't really matter at this point. You stated pretty clearly that the relationship had probably ran it's course. The cheating just put the final nail in the coffin.

 

Having known a lot of folks who have cheated, in most cases it had nothing to do w/their current significant other. In many cases, they were happy with them. It was just a selfish need of theirs for attention, some strange or validation that they were still wanted by others. They enjoyed the challenge or the conquest.

 

In your case, don't give this person the satisfaction of the contact to question her. The best thing you can do is vanish and never have any further contact w/her again. Silence speaks volumes.

[BC1980]

When exactly did you decide to go ahead with it? I want to know if there was an event or something that triggered it.

 

I wouldn't break NC to ask that. Even if she does give you a straight answer, what will it matter? It won't change a thing. Next week, you will think of something else to ask.

[Nightwriter]

The likely real answer is that she cheated on you because she is selfish, self-centered, doesn't have self control, has a broken view of your relationship and doesn't value trust and commitment like you do. But she won't tell you that. Even if she is trying to be honest, she won't tell you that because she likely doesn't see herself in that light. Maybe a long, long time from now, she might realize what she did but you'll both likely be distant memories of each other by then.

 

I know you can't believe that someone you trusted so much could do this, but she did, and it revealed a lot more about her than all those great times you had together. She broke trust and there is no Hollywood ending here, as horrible as that sounds.

[bubbaganoosh]

I went that route before and after 40 years I ran into my ex fiance who back in 1968, cheated on me, got pregnant, blamed me and two weeks after were married I found out. I was in the army and she married me so the government would cover the cost because the bum that knocked her up was penny less. We divorced and I gave up my right to the baby that wasn't mine and never talked to her again until 2008.

 

Well I needed answers and after 40 years asked them. All I got was the run around. Every excuse in the book but never once did she take any kind of blame for her actions so here we are and still no answers and I figure that if she would have told the truth, it still wouldn't have made it better so my advice is to let it be and move on. Also stop communicating with her. Not worth it and it will take you longer to heal.

[basil67]

I agree that you shouldn't break NC.

 

But as an aside, if you ask a person why they did something, most often they don't even know the reason themselves. So how can they tell you? You'll get much more sense if you ask them what they were feeling at the time.