Arieswoman Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry that you're confused and hurting logo, but don't break NC. You need NC to heal. [] Edited September 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted link to commercial site ~6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 We reconciled after a bump in our relationship. A couple of weeks later I found out that she had just cheated on me. I broke up with her and asked her "Why?" All I got were vague explanations. Since we broke up she has texted me a couple of times to wish me well. It's been a couple of weeks. Would you break contact and try and get answers to many, many questions? Absolutely no way. I'd think this woman is going to continue to waste my precious time. She'll only give you answers centered around her trying to feel better about the fact she's a cheater anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frozensushi Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 When exactly did you decide to go ahead with it? I want to know if there was an event or something that triggered it. From someone who's been through this already, the answers you seek will only twist the knife further. In my case, asking why she cheated on me backfired in a big way. She used the information to hurt me. She told me how great he was in bed and that he had such a sweet, gentle personality. Ouch! Details and motivations don't matter, the deed is done. The reality, no matter what the degree, is going to hurt. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 NC isn't a rule or a dogma, it's just something that happens naturally with time, that works for some people under some circumstances and doesn't work for others. If you still care, you're not yet to the point of 'NC', and you can't force these things because when you do, you bypass a lot of the natural process you have to go through at your own pace (that's individual to you and your circumstances) and become somehow desensitised not only to your own feelings, but to the feelings of others. If you feel you want to ask questions, do it without worrying about the answers you might get (very likely not worth it, if you get any answers at all): it might be that getting in touch one last time and asking those questions will help you you realise the futility of this enterprise and will be the catalyst to your recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 (edited) Just a few days earlier before she cheated on me with her ex, that she broke up with, she treated me like gold. She was making extra effort to treat me like a king. She was loving, caring, affectionate, warm and gentle, and then she became distant and detached, turning 180. She showed no remorse at first, but later all she could muster was a slight show of sadness and regret. Ever so slight. That was it. Edited September 22, 2016 by Logo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 There's more to the story than I can reveal here, for the sake of privacy. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 There's more to the story than I can reveal here, for the sake of privacy. But, the sooner you realize the more to the story or this or that doesn't matter, the sooner you will let go. She/you both, lost interest in the R/S and she cheated. Even had she NOT cheated, it appears that R/S was ending anyway. I know when a R/S ends, it's very hard. The finality is harsh. However, the sooner you take the advice of the veterans who've already bought this ground and block her and have no further contact, the sooner you'll start to feel better. I don't want to diminish cheating. However, and sadly, it's so very common these days. Again, my advice is to not take that PERSONALLY. It's NOT an indictment that you did something wrong. It's an indictment that she has low character and should be rewarded for it by never hearing from you again. Trust me, if you vanish from her, at some level, she'll know she's a POS and it will bother her not that you should care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frozensushi Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Trust me, if you vanish from her, at some level, she'll know she's a POS and it will bother her not that you should care. This is true. Even the most self-centered narcissist will get bothered by some degree. People want what they can't have. It works both ways. But, the sooner you realize the more to the story or this or that doesn't matter, the sooner you will let go. This is the hardest part. Even when I was cheated on and had it rubbed in my face I still tried to make the R/S work. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 This is true. Even the most self-centered narcissist will get bothered by some degree. People want what they can't have. It works both ways. This is the hardest part. Even when I was cheated on and had it rubbed in my face I still tried to make the R/S work. A lot of folks who treated their ex horribly eventually realize they were A POS. This is especially true they have a period of no luck meeting anyone new or if their next R/S is terrible, or etc.. They think karma for their behavior in their last R/S has caught up to them. Occasionally, they will reach back out to their ex to try and apologize because they have a strong NEED to be forgiven to clear their karma. What's absolutely perfect is when they reach out and hear dead silence from their ex. THAT reinforces that the ex thinks so little of them that they don't want to ever talk to them again.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 I gave her too many chances. I should have given her a second chance and that's it. I'm starting to come to the realization that I'm glad it's over. In a week or two I'll probably be excited that it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 (edited) She cheated and I told her it was over between us. Now I feel like I have gone from denial, anger, back to denial again and then more anger and now that I'm starting to accept it, I feel depressed and feel overall lethargic like I don't want to do much. I still want to socialize and start dating again. I feel like I need some kind of boost, something that will make me feel alive again, something that will make me feel excited about a relationship again. Edited September 23, 2016 by Logo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 You can't force yourself to heal, in much the same way you don't force yourself to love someone, or fall out of love with someone. All this stuff just takes time. Accept that you're in a bad place but it will get better. Until then, you're simply going to hurt. It sucks big time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Well dating right now will just make matters worse. Instead try looking after yourself. Immerse yourself in your hobbies, friends, health etc. You must have something you want to do that you haven't make that your goal. Achieving your dreams will give you more of a boost than messing about with women while you are messed up... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Well dating right now will just make matters worse. Instead try looking after yourself. Immerse yourself in your hobbies, friends, health etc. You must have something you want to do that you haven't make that your goal. Achieving your dreams will give you more of a boost than messing about with women while you are messed up... ^ This ^ So true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 Well dating right now will just make matters worse. In what way? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mornings are the toughest. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 She cheated and I told her it was over between us. Now I feel like I have gone from denial, anger, back to denial again and then more anger and now that I'm starting to accept it, I feel depressed and feel overall lethargic like I don't want to do much. I still want to socialize and start dating again. I feel like I need some kind of boost, something that will make me feel alive again, something that will make me feel excited about a relationship again. Forget about being excited about a relationship for awhile. Get excited about something else -- go out and try new things. Try everything, anything. Go out and buy yourself something you've been wanting (don't become a shop-a-holic though to mask your feelings , redecorate your apartment, change things around. Go to a football game. You should socialize as much as you can, but I wouldn't be thinking about dating. The more you socialize though, there may be more opportunities for a date to happen It really comes down to being resolved and pushing through it. YOu do need to allow yourself to grieve but don't let yourself get overwhelmed by it. Do it in bits. Give yourself some time each day to deal with feelings, say half and hour and at the end of that time force yourself to do something else, anything else. Be patient and good to yourself. Do nice things for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 She cheated and I told her it was over between us. Now I feel like I have gone from denial, anger, back to denial again and then more anger and now that I'm starting to accept it, I feel depressed and feel overall lethargic like I don't want to do much. I still want to socialize and start dating again. I feel like I need some kind of boost, something that will make me feel alive again, something that will make me feel excited about a relationship again. In what way? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mornings are the toughest. It's deceptive to date while you're grieving your ex because you are basically using another women's attention to get over your ex. If you're upfront about that while dating, that would be fair to the other person but otherwise it's a crappy thing to do to people. You're going to spend all your time comparing these women to your ex and when you realize they can't compare, you're going to drop them and hurt them if you weren't honest with them. Your grief is yours alone and it's wrong to use other people emotionally to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 It's deceptive to date while you're grieving your ex because you are basically using another women's attention to get over your ex. If you're upfront about that while dating, that would be fair to the other person but otherwise it's a crappy thing to do to people. You're going to spend all your time comparing these women to your ex and when you realize they can't compare, you're going to drop them and hurt them if you weren't honest with them. Your grief is yours alone and it's wrong to use other people emotionally to deal with it. I see what you mean. Yeah, I was thinking about going out on a date and felt like I just didn't have the spirit for it. I need some time. I'm still thinking about my ex even though she did such a cruel thing and then acted as if nothing happened. My pride, dignity and mind are telling me no, but my heart wants her back, despite her shortcomings. It sucks. I feel like I will never find someone like her again. We just had such a great time together. f***. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted September 24, 2016 Author Share Posted September 24, 2016 Depression is definitely setting in. It's almost like being in a prison. You just want time to pass so you can get out of this slump. Time heals, sure. But it takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted September 30, 2016 Author Share Posted September 30, 2016 What does it say about a person in a relationship if after having been together for several months she is still using the push pull method in the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 What does it say about a person in a relationship if after having been together for several months she is still using the push pull method in the relationship? What is she doing exactly? How is she "pushing" and how is she "pulling"? Can you give examples? A bit more detail would be helpful. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 Yep, bit more info needed. But if someone is still playing games, like on/off, after months of a relationship, then I would say someone isn't taking the relationship seriously and needs talking to. You should still be happy and in that honeymoon phase during those first months, not asking questions like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 Might sound like a silly question but are you sure you are in a relationship together? Exclusivity has been established? Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 It says it's been long enough to know that what you see is what you get. If you enjoy the relationship how it is, it's all good. If you don't, it wouldn't be wise to think it would ever change or she would one day change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted October 8, 2016 Author Share Posted October 8, 2016 We both considered the relationship exclusive. We referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend in conversations. I think she had insecurity issues and that's how she dealt with them. Link to post Share on other sites
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