Grieving

[Logo]

Yep, bit more info needed. But if someone is still playing games, like on/off, after months of a relationship, then I would say someone isn't taking the relationship seriously and needs talking to. You should still be happy and in that honeymoon phase during those first months, not asking questions like this.

 

Yes. She wasn't taking the relationship seriously. She wanted a relationship without the responsibility that comes with it. I wish I had given this more thought months ago instead of chalking in it up to mere insecurity on her part.

[Logo]

Thanks everyone for your helpful posts. It really helps a lot. Everyone around me is tired of hearing about it. "You need to get over it" they keep telling me, "move on".

 

I'm still ruminating about the last couple of weeks, trying to make sense of it all, trying to figure out what was going on in her head. I can't change the past. I know. But it still bothers me.

[Logo]

I'm also dealing with self blame, "If I only did this or if I only didn't do that things would be different".

 

But she was the one who cheated. I still don't know why exactly. Well, I have an idea, but I never thought she would actually serve herself on a platter to that lowlife.

[Logo]

In the last couple of days, I've been thinking about contacting her, just sending her a text or something. The relationship between us started with great intensity. She loved me so much.

[Kayley]

Don't do it, don't message her.

 

Believe me, I'm in a similar situation. Days before the break up my ex was so lovely telling me I was beautiful etc. If I hadn't deleted all those messages I'd have driven myself crazy reading every nice thing that he had ever said to me.

 

Thing is, those things were said before the break up. Think about what's been said after.

 

I know it's hard, every single day I think 'maybe if I just said....' but ultimately, you will not get what you want from messaging.

[Logo]

I feel like the guy who bought a house and when the first rainstorm came the entire house got washed away as if it were made entirely of sawdust.

 

It's not sitting well with me that with all those great moments, the strong love and affection, the relationship crumbled. Sure, I saw it coming. It happened gradually and it had its ups and downs, but you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Maybe that's paying her a compliment she doesn't deserve. She tried, but she had her shortcomings. Still, I feel a loss.

Edited November 28, 2016 by Logo

[Kayley]

Believe me, I know. Your situation sounds similar to mine. We had a rough few weeks and he was gone. Unlike you, I didn't see it coming. He actually texted me an hour before he broke up with me asking how I was and what my plans for the day were. It kills me to know we had so many great moments and then he just gave up. When I think of those good things, it makes me want to reach out and I need to remind myself that if he wanted to be with me then he would be. It is hard, I keep thinking of all the promises he made. All the talks about winter and Christmas etc and I don't understand how he can just walk away from that. Ultimately they have though and reaching out will not get us what we want.

[Lizabigs]

Great feedback. I can say, this guy ruined my life. My ex would love it if he had that power on me, or anyone. I suffer illness and my illness cost me a lot. My ex used to say it was me as a person but my illness cost me a great deal. I feel like I am on my death bed but I felt like this 6 months before I met him. Infact, I was scheduled to start a great job on jan 2 2013 but my illness made me miss it. I was depressed about another week before I found the job I met him at. I lasted only a few months before it came back. It always does. Its' funny, how the truth is so fabricated from the truth to our perception! his perception is a joke but he proved he is selfish.

[Logo]

Reading about all the betrayals on here and still dealing with the pain my ex caused me, has made me so cynical. I just don't see how a healthy and happy relationship is possible anymore nowadays.

 

People break up over the silliest of things instead of trying to work things out.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s true that relationships are breaking up over the silliest reasons, but I believe that you should not lose hope because of some bad experience in the past. I pray you find healing from your hurts soon. Blessings!

[basil67]

I rarely read of people breaking up over silly things. Instead, it's usually because one of the partners isn't getting their needs met and the other is fine how things are.

 

But I do read posters who dismiss their partner's issues as being silly. ("We only argued about silly stuff") Then they can't understand why they get dumped.

 

Also, there's a right time and a wrong time to work it out. If a couple has been together for only 4 months and there are a heap of red flags, they are silly to try and work it out. But if they've been together for years and are generally compatible, then yes, the should try and work it out.

[Sweetfish]

I rarely read of people breaking up over silly things. Instead, it's usually because one of the partners isn't getting their needs met and the other is fine how things are.

 

But I do read posters who dismiss their partner's issues as being silly. ("We only argued about silly stuff") Then they can't understand why they get dumped.

 

Also, there's a right time and a wrong time to work it out. If a couple has been together for only 4 months and there are a heap of red flags, they are silly to try and work it out. But if they've been together for years and are generally compatible, then yes, the should try and work it out.

 

Than you are only selective reading.

[basil67]

Than you are only selective reading.

 

Care to elaborate?

 

Edited to add: I believe it would be very rare for a person who was happy, content and having their needs met in a relationship to end it.

Edited December 16, 2016 by basil67

[Satu]

Cynicism isn't too bad a place to visit, but it's a terrible place to live.

 

 

Take care.

[Fair]

I don't think it's cynical to feel that way. How can someone not feel this way about relationships?

 

I find the happier and more positive people are about relationships the more they have their heads up their... you know what. They're living in a fantasy world. Is that more admirable than being honest? Seems to be, because if you're honest, you're always accused of being "cynical" or "bitter" or something equally as vicious when maybe... just maybe... you're just smarter. In fact there have been studies done that conclude people who have fewer relationships, including friendships... are indeed more intelligent.

 

 

 

.

[carhill]

You may find cynicism to wane with acceptance. Accept that some people make unhealthy interpersonal relationship partners. Accept that people can and do change their mind at any time, for any reason or no reason at all. Accept that you may be alone for the rest of your life.

 

Accept boundaries you set and stick firm to them. Then go enjoy whatever happens.

 

This method has worked so well I can laugh at things, people and actions which formally greatly distressed me. People just aren't that important. I say the same thing when looking in the mirror. Fallible, mortal. Ain't getting out alive. Enjoy the ride.

[William]

Folks, the thread starter has a number of threads related to this topic so I merged the most recent and largest thread with the most current one for context and members might wish to review the members other threads as well, for context. Thanks!

[spiderowl]

People usually end relationships because their feelings have changed towards the other person. This can be because the other person did annoying or hurtful things or because they simply lost interest in them. I think if someone cheats, it suggests they lost interest. If a person is upset by their partner and do not think things will improve, I suspect they are more likely to leave rather than cheat.

 

If someone ends a relationship, there is little point in trying to work out why. The reasons can be myriad. Also, sometimes people do things for reasons you would not understand - like seeking variety or excitement. Many genuine, faithful people would not leave a relationship for those reasons but some need that endless variety and change and are unlikely to ever be faithful.

 

If you try to work out why someone has left, you are likely to go crazy. Why waste that mental energy on them? I know the desire to understand is incredibly strong, but sometimes things cannot be understood properly.

[Sweetfish]

Care to elaborate?

 

Edited to add: I believe it would be very rare for a person who was happy, content and having their needs met in a relationship to end it.

 

 

Many of the breakups here, that I read are shift in value or more or less a decline of value.

 

For example, giving someone too many needs can spark a breakup.

 

Loving someone too much can spark a breakup.

 

Giving someone not too little or not too much can spark a breakup. (too much constancy)

 

So its not as cut and dry as one person expresses needs and the other plays it off as silly.

[Logo]

You may find cynicism to wane with acceptance. Accept that some people make unhealthy interpersonal relationship partners. Accept that people can and do change their mind at any time, for any reason or no reason at all. Accept that you may be alone for the rest of your life.

 

Accept boundaries you set and stick firm to them. Then go enjoy whatever happens.

 

This method has worked so well I can laugh at things, people and actions which formally greatly distressed me. People just aren't that important. I say the same thing when looking in the mirror. Fallible, mortal. Ain't getting out alive. Enjoy the ride.

 

 

Do you feel indifferent about relationships?

 

I hear what you're saying though. I've been so invested in finding a healthy relationship lately, that life is just passing me by and that is not good.

 

At the same time, I feel an urge to experience love, to be with someone who can be my partner. I feel like time is running out. I feel an emptiness inside, loneliness. I'm not just looking for companionship, I'm looking for someone who I can be intimate with and feel that they complete me, that they make me better, that they will be there for me, in sickness and in health as cliche as that sounds. I'm independent, but even in nature, partnership is part of the cycle of life.

[carhill]

Do you feel indifferent about relationships?

They don't rule me. I greatly enjoyed being married. I enjoy being divorced and unattached and not seeking female companionship. I, earlier in life, saw similar behavior in my mother after my father died. She lived another 25 years alone after at 30+ year M and always seemed to have a smile on her face, something to do and people she enjoyed, when she wanted to.

 

I hear what you're saying though. I've been so invested in finding a healthy relationship lately, that life is just passing me by and that is not good.

 

Sure, I get it. I felt the same way, sometimes, in my 20's and 30's when all my friends were married and gushing about their children and being coupled. Perfectly normal. That's how societal and peer pressure (not in an evil way, just how it is) works.

 

At the same time, I feel an urge to experience love, to be with someone who can be my partner.

Perfectly normal. We're hard-wired to spread our DNA and all this love stuff is window dressing on copulation to do that. Some folks don't bother with the love part and are great examples of the basic nature of the organism.

I feel like time is running out. I feel an emptiness inside, loneliness. I'm not just looking for companionship, I'm looking for someone who I can be intimate with and feel that they complete me.....

It may feel like time is running out and, sure, if you die today, it did run out, but for most folks it runs out after a quite long life and many opportunities and challenges and joys and sorrows. The complete thing, IMO is just a combination of sex desire and socialization, meaning nature and nurture.

that they make me better, that they will be there for me, in sickness and in health as cliche as that sounds. I'm independent, but even in nature, partnership is part of the cycle of life.

 

Inspiration, a strong motivator. Yup, makes sense, along with humans, at their core, being pack animals; social. Pair bonds are a part of that. We're also gifted with a strong cognitive ability, to theorize, learn, process, calculate and combine many aspects of our psyche, and external stimulus, into one milieu of perception. We have free will. We choose. Why did I take five minutes to break your post down into parts and reply? No one made me. Didn't have to. Chose to. I could be writing out Christmas cards to my friends right now but instead replied to your post. All alone, not a soul around, though I did hear a dog barking in the distance in the forest. Choices. Enjoy them. Part of being alive.