I think I will always be a single guy for the rest of my life

[Blanco]

I don't necessarily think agree with the post about making more money to attract more women. I mean, it can help, but I think it's misleading to suggest that you can't attract beautiful, quality women simply by making a decent (read: average) salary on top of possessing other strong qualities that the average woman appreciates.

 

I didn't get the sense that career/money was the issue for the OP, but rather, his appearance/heritage that's fueled his insecurities and disillusionment about American women.

[Weezy1973]

Here's how you become confident and it had absolutely nothing to do with external validation.

 

1. Figure out your values in all areas of life.

2. Live by those values.

 

That's what Maslowe called self-actualization. Once your actual self is the same as the idealized version of yourself (I.e. Living fully according to your values of who you want to be as a person) then whatever anybody else thinks no longer matters.

 

You'll thank the woman for rejecting you, because clearly she wasn't a good match for you anyways and you don't really have the time to waste because you're living your life fully and the right woman will be attracted to that.

[ZA Dater]

But confidence doesn't only come from success with women.

 

Is he successful in his career? Does that being him confidence?

 

Is he successful in his educational pursuits? Does that being him confidence?

 

Is he successful in a sport or hobby? Does that being him confidence?

 

Is he successful with social interactions? Does that being him confidence?

 

How about you? You say that you identify with the OPs plight - what is the source of your lack of confidence? Have you identified it and attempted to tackle it?

 

Believe me the spectre of disappointment is difficult to vanquish. People can be successful at many things but no success at dating takes all of that away.

 

My lack of self confidence comes from simply never being good enough for anyone I want to date, from years of being thrown onto the scrap heap, so yes, I relate well to the OP. Sure I attempted to fix it in many ways, went on seven OLD sites for a period of years, went for makeovers, new clothing style, tried to be more positive but when I was people still said I was negative.

 

I have many great achievements which I am happy about but trust me its all hollow when you have absolutely nobody to share life with. You walk around and everywhere you see those who have what you don't and that further erodes self confidence.

[ZA Dater]

I don't necessarily think agree with the post about making more money to attract more women. I mean, it can help, but I think it's misleading to suggest that you can't attract beautiful, quality women simply by making a decent (read: average) salary on top of possessing other strong qualities that the average woman appreciates.

 

I didn't get the sense that career/money was the issue for the OP, but rather, his appearance/heritage that's fueled his insecurities and disillusionment about American women.

 

I think the issue the OP needs to overcome is the perception that the problems he is experiencing are country specific when they are not. Yes, I do believe it to be slightly easier to date in Eastern Europe, primarily because there is an attraction to the west and western life, call it the crumbs that remain from the USSR days.

 

Having met my fair share of Eastern European ladies I will also say I found them to be for the most part much more caring and far less judgemental. The few I met hardly speak for all but that was what I experienced.

 

Money can indirectly buy dates, its a sad but true fact, I grew up thinking being a nice person is what counted but I realised that wasn't the case at all, I look at the sort of guys ladies found attractive on the whole and again they were all variations of the same, slight variations at that.

 

People are also attracted to exotic, I'd be betting even useless me could find a date in LA for example, my chipped South African accent would help there and make me stand out as different. That's the OP point being American in the East would make him stand out. I cant argue with that logic but you don't see me impulsively hopping on a plane to try the theory out.

 

I do understand why he would want to try it though!

 

Realistically he can sit and look and try understand what is preventing success but unlike some here I don't believe the answer ever stares one in the face, people are too spineless for the most part to critique and you can go for years not having any clue.

 

Self esteem and confidence, sure ladies love those two thing or seemingly do but how important are they really, again I look around and cynical me puts people into two categories.

1: Those who date people they really want to date

2: Those who date people they don't really want but something is better than nothing.

 

Where do you reckon most people fit into when it comes to those categories?

[GemmaUK]

Believe me the spectre of disappointment is difficult to vanquish. People can be successful at many things but no success at dating takes all of that away.

 

My lack of self confidence comes from simply never being good enough for anyone I want to date, from years of being thrown onto the scrap heap, so yes, I relate well to the OP. Sure I attempted to fix it in many ways, went on seven OLD sites for a period of years, went for makeovers, new clothing style, tried to be more positive but when I was people still said I was negative.

I have many great achievements which I am happy about but trust me its all hollow when you have absolutely nobody to share life with. You walk around and everywhere you see those who have what you don't and that further erodes self confidence.

 

There you go. It's your negativity that is putting people off.

 

Negativity rubs off and negative people are very draining to be around.

Do like I did and set yourself a goal of 6 6 months to behave in a positive way instead of a negative way.

 

I'll say it again, change your \behaviour and your attitude will change.

[nymphetgrown]

I don't necessarily think agree with the post about making more money to attract more women. I mean, it can help, but I think it's misleading to suggest that you can't attract beautiful, quality women simply by making a decent (read: average) salary on top of possessing other strong qualities that the average woman appreciates.

 

I didn't get the sense that career/money was the issue for the OP, but rather, his appearance/heritage that's fueled his insecurities and disillusionment about American women.

 

Actual woman, even an actual woman *living in America* seconding this. When it comes to career and/or money, stability is nice. Stability is possible at a comparatively low wage, say 40K, if you know how to spend and invest wisely. Also, for what it's worth, you can be of non-Chad looks and still make the girls go wild. Exhibit A is an archaeologist in the UK who does historical specials and whose female fans are legion... because he's a bright, hard-working man with gorgeous eyes, a sweet personality, and a passion for what he does. Is he a bit soft in the frame? Oh, yes, but he's quite fit anyway. And yes, he is happily married as far as I know. So if women the world over can coo over him and not his more traditionally-pretty co-presenter, looks are no bloody excuse at all!

 

Hearing you lot complain about American women and dating in America makes me want to look in any other country but this one. We've got to be stunners who'll go to bed with you, but if we do it too often, then we're whores? We have to be career women AND domestic goddesses? Can't you be happy if we know a few recipes, do your laundry and mending, and will trim your hair for free if $15 is too exorbitant? And men want children, too; women aren't the only ones asking for that in a partner. If you don't want children, try saying so and sticking to it. Some of us will be relieved to hear it.

 

Don't expect cookies for basic decency toward another human being, which is what a woman is, in the end. You treat her like you want to be treated. If you're a straight shooter, expect that from your partner. Passive-aggressive games are not inborn; people learn them. If your partner does not treat you as you would like to be treated, don't stay. I didn't. It was the best thing I could've done for both of us.

 

This may be why men think I'm intimidating. I don't think I can bring myself to be sorry for it, though. At the end of the day I'm just a person like you. I want to love who and what you are, and be loved for who and what I am. Once I learned to start with that, I had greater success by far.

[ZA Dater]

There you go. It's your negativity that is putting people off.

 

Negativity rubs off and negative people are very draining to be around.

Do like I did and set yourself a goal of 6 6 months to behave in a positive way instead of a negative way.

 

I'll say it again, change your \behaviour and your attitude will change.

 

The problem is I don't see myself as negative so I really don't know what to differently. Should I extoll the virtues of everything and pretend the world is a place of rainbow and honey? Should I pretend I don't feel like a single looser most of the time. I have set myself that goal but people still complain so I really am at a loss.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Self esteem and confidence, sure ladies love those two thing or seemingly do but how important are they really, again I look around and cynical me puts people into two categories.

1: Those who date people they really want to date

2: Those who date people they don't really want but something is better than nothing.

 

Where do you reckon most people fit into when it comes to those categories?

 

I think for ~70% of people fall in between, when it comes to marriage, but especially when it comes to dating.

 

Mostly everybody compromises in some form and I can only say that the two or three women in my life that I was madly in lust with over the course of my life, none of them were even close to right for me.

 

I think maybe 10% of people marry someone where both of them look at each other and say "Wow, you are perfect in every way." Maybe another 10% are in relationships where they don't really like much about the other person, but there's not much else to date.

 

A lot of it is mentality you know. With my parents, when I meet a woman, and she is nice and seems to have her sh@t relatively together, they ask when I'm going to marry her.

 

You can marry the first one who likes you or you can hold out for perfection, but your choice should be yours alone.

Edited September 29, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Hearing you lot complain about American women and dating in America makes me want to look in any other country but this one. We've got to be stunners who'll go to bed with you, but if we do it too often, then we're whores? We have to be career women AND domestic goddesses? Can't you be happy if we know a few recipes, do your laundry and mending, and will trim your hair for free if $15 is too exorbitant? And men want children, too; women aren't the only ones asking for that in a partner. If you don't want children, try saying so and sticking to it. Some of us will be relieved to hear it.

 

 

For me and my own experiences, a lot of it is because I'm asian I suspect.

 

A good deal of Asian-American women exclusively or strongly prefer white men, and so they are off the table. Other races sometimes are attracted to Asian men but it's rare. Asian-American women who like Asian men here are typically overachievers and while I've got a tad of pedigree (went to a really good school), I don't make a ton of money and am not a doctor, banker, dentist, etc.

 

But for a woman from say Japan, my being American is a plus.

 

This is just what I suspect from my results, but it makes a lot of sense.

[Robert]

Looks like this thread went off topic again without the input of the thread starter, so we'll close it up. They can request we reopen it via the 'Alert Us' button. Thanks. ~6