Our friends have made us end the affair

[catface1]

Hi everyone, I don't think I have ever posted on a forum in my life but after reading how helpful and non-judgmental most of you are I'm willing to seek your advice!

I've been friends (not particularly close) with a guy for 10 years, a couple of months ago at our mutual friends wedding we got extremely drunk and slept together. He has a girlfriend of 6 years, which I knew at the time, but in the heat of the moment, together with being tremendously drunk, it didn't cross my mind.

Following on from that, we messaged every day, and have since met up a few times for the weekend and had such a lovely time, we click on every level; humour, music, tv shows, values, everything. So I guess it turned into an affair, which is something I have never wanted to do EVER, but I think I bloody love this man. What started out as a drunken mistake has turned into messaging and skyping every day and meeting once every couple of weeks (we live in different towns) when he can get away.

We met last Saturday where he told me that his life is so busy right now (he's a photographer and most weekends are spent at weddings/editing photos, and then working a 9-5 throughout the week) that he doesn't know if this can work anymore, he cannot see me as much as he wants to etc. He has shown me messages from his friends saying 'where are you haven't seen you for ages' so I know he genuinely has too much to do and can't fit it all in.

So we've sort of broken it off, without saying we have I suppose. However. we still message daily (mostly platonic and friendly now), and I'm wondering whether this is to salvage the friendship we had before, or whether he wants to still keep me in his life in 'that way'? We genuinely care for each other, and have true feelings for each other, and I would like to be more than friends, I feel like we are a perfect fit for each other. I just don't know if I should carry on being a supportive caring friend for him right now (like he is for me I suppose), or whether I should just say 'let's just cut contact'? Bearing in mind we are in the same circle of close friends (terrible mistake to make I know!). I really like this guy, and most of our friends have commented on how we would make a lovely couple. I just don't know how to go about this. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak by being friendly with him, or by staying in his life, albeit through messages and phone calls, will I manage to show him that we could actually be lovely together? I sound like such a teenager I know (I'm not I'm 30) but I've never felt this way about anyone before, he's the first guy that I have imagined settling down with...

 

Oh one more point to make, he wants me to learn photography so I can be his assistant. He needs one and thinks I would do a good job, the pay is good and he says eventually we can quit our jobs and just work a few days per week. Is this a mental thing to do on both of our parts?! I'm seriously considering it, it would mean we could see each other regularly, and also the pay is good and so is the lifestyle I presume.

 

What a ridiculous situation I've got myself into...

[Lobe]

What a ridiculous situation I've got myself into...

 

 

It sounds like he has tried to cool things down, claiming he is too busy, but wants to insert you into his photography business so that he can have time with you, without losing time with his LT girlfriend and your extended circle of friends. Not really ideal I suppose...

 

My first question is, what is the outcome you would hope for? You've obviously considered what it would be like to be his primary relationship - what does he say about her? Are you planning on telling her about your relationship or is there a good chance that someone in your circle knows or could slip up and tell her?

[catface1]

This does make sense yes. Perhaps naively I am thinking that by being able to regularly see him by potentially working together, things would start up again and it would all end happily ever after...

 

He doesn't seem desperate to leave the relationship, but he has also said several times that they have just become friends that live together, he would leave her tomorrow but he doesn't know how she would cope etc etc. He's also talked about his elderly mother, who lost her husband 6 months ago, and that by leaving her it would negatively affect her/make her ill/stressed etc.

 

A couple of our mutual friends know about it, and have not got involved. Instead choosing to support whatever happens.

 

I have met the GF once, and to be honest cannot see how they are still together. They do not laugh and joke with eachother, it all seems a bit dead. I think it's complacency, or not having the balls to leave each other, or money or whatever else.

 

All a bit confusing, and at the moment I would rather we were friends than nothing at all. But secretly hoping he will open his eyes and see what I and other people can see (that they are not a particularly brilliant couple, and that perhaps we could be happy together).

[Lobe]

This does make sense yes. Perhaps naively I am thinking that by being able to regularly see him by potentially working together, things would start up again and it would all end happily ever after...

 

He doesn't seem desperate to leave the relationship, but he has also said several times that they have just become friends that live together, he would leave her tomorrow but he doesn't know how she would cope etc etc. He's also talked about his elderly mother, who lost her husband 6 months ago, and that by leaving her it would negatively affect her/make her ill/stressed etc.

 

A couple of our mutual friends know about it, and have not got involved. Instead choosing to support whatever happens.

 

I have met the GF once, and to be honest cannot see how they are still together. They do not laugh and joke with eachother, it all seems a bit dead. I think it's complacency, or not having the balls to leave each other, or money or whatever else.

 

All a bit confusing, and at the moment I would rather we were friends than nothing at all. But secretly hoping he will open his eyes and see what I and other people can see (that they are not a particularly brilliant couple, and that perhaps we could be happy together).

 

I encourage you to read around here in the forums and get a sense of the "cheaters' handbook" that seems to be secretly passed around (sick family members, not financially viable, we're just roommates, I would leave now except ~insert fluffy excuse here~ etc.) as well as some of the things APs tell themselves to make it sound romantic and feel special when it's really just the WS being a selfish pr*ck. I'm sorry to say your story is not unique and if I was you I would say to him look, we passed the friend zone and I'm not interested in going backwards. Sort your sh*t out with your girlfriend.

 

Maybe you're the exit affair but maybe he's at the point where he's debating marrying the LTR and just wanted to get a fling out before he pops the question. You don't really want to be the fallback girl or the girl on the side, or you wouldn't be posting here for a reality check. That feeling in your gut that says this is a recipe for disaster? Trust it. Let him go and move on with your life - if he's serious about being done with his LTA he will look you up when he's out of there. If you do decide to start working with this guy, make sure you set some very clear boundaries though - I seriously think it sounds like a way for him to keep you on the hook and that's just piggish.

[BuddyX]

He's not married, does not have kids with the GF, and is living like a roommate. But yet he will not leave? How do you have respect for a man like that? Seriously, he's a coward and a pansy.

 

Trust me, he's doing the nasty with her, just lying to you.

 

Time to cut bait, and move on. No contact, no friendship.

[JewelD]

Girl, snap out of this dream. If he felt the same way about you, that you were perfect and he wanted to settle down with you, he would have left his girlfriend. You're the sidechick and you have already let him know you are complacent with being the sidechick so why would he change that? He gets two women and has to put in minimal effort with you.

 

He told you pointblank he has no time (yet his gf is certainly getting some) and you are still fawning over him and how perfect you are together. You are definitely setting yourself up for heartbreak and drama. A man that would allow you to assume the role of sidechick for an extended period of time does not truly love/respect you.

 

Even if he did leave his gf for you, he knows your standards for him are fairly low and he'll take advantage of that. You'll be the new gf and there will be a new sidechick he cheats on you with.

[Bufo]

Maybe this is his first rodeo. But he's a fast learner. He's mastered the Art of Future Faking with vague promises of a job and a wonderful future.

 

Tell him you'll be happy to take up his offer of being his assistant if and when he's done with current gf. Imagine working a weekend with him and watching him drive away to her at home. Pleasant?

 

As he saying goes, don't quit your day job.

[dubliner]

Don't, just don't.

You've known this guy for a long time, you both now have crossed the boundary between 'friends' into the 'we have feelings' dangerous waters.

Working with him will be all kinds of emotional torture. He will get your company every day to patch up his life with 'roommate' GF, you will not be able to date single available men as you will be trapped in 'hope' that you are getting closer to this dream relationship. And it is a dream, a fantasy, all the time he is making excuses why he stays in a failing relationship and makes no real actions to remove himself.

Having sex with you, setting you up as his assistant are not steps towards a relationship, they are sly ways to control you into being where he wants, when he wants you to fill a need.

Don't go there, put the sex down to an error of judgement and respect yourself enough to want better than this, you deserve better than being put on hold for a man who hasn't the balls to sort his R out before jumping into another.

Edited August 25, 2016 by dubliner

[catface1]

Hello all, really looking for some support and guidance really. I have been having a relationship, both physical and emotional with someone in my immediate circle of friends (who has a LT GF for 6 years). It has been going on for the last 3 months and I have fallen head over heals in love with him. At a friends housewarming party last weekend my friend told me she could see what was going on and if I had any respect for her I would tell her the truth. I was drunk and completely caved and told her everything. She begged me to end it and I said I would. Still very drunk, I told AP to come over to the party. He did. We had sex in the kitchen while we thought everyone was asleep, and one of our friends walked in on us. I know it was such a stupid and careless thing to do but we hadn't seen each other for a while and as soon as we saw each other we couldn't help it.

 

I've told him that all our friends know now, and that someone walked in on us. He was angry at first that I had told our friends, but I did also mention the fact that someone saw us having sex so it didn't really matter whether I said something or not. The last time we spoke was a few days ago when I confessed I had stupidly revealed all. The phone conversation ended nicely enough, he told me to have a nice day and we'll speak soon. But I think we both know that we shouldn't talk anymore. Thankfully his long term gf is not going to find out, I hope.

 

I have not stopped crying since all of this happened, it's only since we have stopped talking every day that I have realised he was getting me through each day.

 

Does he even miss me? Does he think about me? I want to talk to him so badly, as I'm typing this at work I'm crying. He was my best friend, and now I feel like it has ended through something we have no control over, it wasn't either one of our's decision.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking in all honesty, I suppose I want to know if I should contact him and apologise (this is pretty much all my fault I suppose), whether I should have any hope that I will see/talk to him again, and whether all the beautiful memories and feelings we had towards each other have now disappeared from his mind due to the mess we are in with our friends, who want no part of this (and also know his girlfriend and sometimes go for dinner with him and his girlfriend). Please also know that I am so genuinely sorry for putting my friends in this situation and I deserve all the ignored texts I am currently getting from them.

Edited September 23, 2016 by catface1

[Whoknew30]

Why do your friends care? I mean is it another friend's H or something? My friends cared about me enough to tell me to stop bc they love me but if your friends aren't calling you back bc you had an A, they're not your real friends. Why don you owe them an explanation to anything?

[catface1]

My friends care because they know his girlfriend. They go to dinner with her and my AP. So I have put them in a situation where they know that she is being cheated on but cannot tell her. Which is a horrible situation to be put in I presume. The last thing my friend said to me before she started ignoring my sorry texts was 'I will never be able to be in the same room as her because of your selfish stupid actions.', so I do totally understand why everyone hates me now...

Edited September 23, 2016 by catface1

[Whoknew30]

My friends care because they know his girlfriend. They go to dinner with her and my AP. So I have put them in a situation where they know that she is being cheated on but cannot tell her. Which is a horrible situation to be put in I presume. The last thing my friend said to me before she started ignoring my sorry texts was 'I will never be able to be in the same room as her because of your selfish stupid actions.', so I do totally understand why everyone hates me now...

 

Curiousty killed the cat...your friend wanted to know so badly that she cornered you. She put herself in that situation. No your A isn't right but your friend wanted to know so badly & she got what she wanted. This is the exact reason I mind my own business...your lesson should be, stop A but your friend's lesson should be, mind her business. You think your friends will tell?

[catface1]

I don't think my friends will tell her, me and my AP are much closer to them than they are to AP's GF. But now I am in a situation where me and AP are not speaking, and it is killing me. I don't know what he's thinking, I don't know if he's not speaking to me because his friends have told him we can't, or because he genuinely doesn't want to anymore. We had no intention of breaking up, we were making plans for the future and everything seemed rosy. Now I have no idea where to go from here....

I have finally decided to seek therapy, even though I absolutely can't afford it (I will have to cut back on a lot of things to be able to go) as I clearly need help, but I just don't know what to do at this moment/s. I miss him so so much...

[imperfectangel]

Did they make you end the affair or make you choose between your AP and BS?

 

It didn't have to end, it just couldn't be a affair anymore

[Satu]

It sounds like the AP's GF will find out pretty soon.

 

I hope so, because then she'll know what a lying, cheating, excuse for a man she's involved with.

[whatatangledweb]

It appears you have now lost the friends as he may have also because they have been put in an akward position. One of them may sooner or later tell his GF because they feel guilty. Your friends didn't make you break up. If you had a plan for the future that was real than both of you would have chosen each other not the friends.

 

No, you shouldn't contact him. He is at fault also as even if you had told no one, someone saw you having sex. A choice both of you made.

[catface1]

Did they make you end the affair or make you choose between your AP and BS?

 

It didn't have to end, it just couldn't be a affair anymore

 

I don't have a partner, I'm completely single. So all they have said is that I cannot do this anymore. In some ways this makes everything worse for me, I have no partner to go back to to work on things. I am completely alone now.

[Whoknew30]

I don't have a partner, I'm completely single. So all they have said is that I cannot do this anymore. In some ways this makes everything worse for me, I have no partner to go back to to work on things. I am completely alone now.

 

He's not married, which means he doesn't have that powerful of a commitment. If he wanted to be with you, he could. As for your friends telling you, what you can & can't do is ridiculous. They can't, you're a grown woman

[grassisorisntgreener]

Why doesn't he just break up with his gf?

[stillafool]

If this guy cared for you he would take this d-day as an excuse to break up with his gf and be with you instead of breaking it off with you to keep her. Your feelings are way ahead of his and you should leave him alone for good. You two have already ruined your reputations among your friends. I feel his gf will find out so get ready for the fallout. Someone from the group will feel so guilty knowing this that they will tell her. You may have to find another group of friends to hang out with. It sounds like you need new friends anyway if you considered this guy with the gf your best friend. You see he left your side the moment trouble hit, a best friend would not do that. Don't make a man you aren't married to your best friend; you can't depend on them.

[Chica80]

He is a coward...he is angry because now he can lose it all his gf, his chick on the side and his reputation.

 

He blamed you? No one forced him to have sex correct no one forced him to step out on his gf and decieve her.

 

Your true friends will come around. You need support and he is not it! Do you have friends outside this group?

[Maddieandtae]

Catface I think it's very wise of you to seek therapy. For your longtime mental health the sacrafices you make to be able to afford to go will be an investment in you that will be so much more rewarding than the pain you feel now and will keep feeling if you stay caught up in this situation. I think you are feeling very isolated right now because of your friends silence and you want to reach out to the AP to feel better. If you have support outside of this circle of friends reach out to them so that you don't isolate yourself further:(

[Satu]

I feel sorry for the AP's girlfriend.

 

She is the only innocent in this situation.

[catface1]

He is a coward...he is angry because now he can lose it all his gf, his chick on the side and his reputation.

 

He blamed you? No one forced him to have sex correct no one forced him to step out on his gf and decieve her.

 

Your true friends will come around. You need support and he is not it! Do you have friends outside this group?

 

Yes I think you're right, he is potentially about to lose everything. He weirdly seems fine about it, posting photos on SnapChat today while my eyes are burning from crying all day. Maybe he's in denial of what is about to happen to him I don't know.

 

With regards to friends, no not really. I am very much an introvert with social anxiety and they were my rocks. I have a couple of other friends but I don't see them too much as they have young families etc. He is massively popular and has a completely full social life. So I'm guessing this is far easier for him than it is me. I am genuinely at a loss right now as to how to recover from this.

[catface1]

Catface I think it's very wise of you to seek therapy. For your longtime mental health the sacrafices you make to be able to afford to go will be an investment in you that will be so much more rewarding than the pain you feel now and will keep feeling if you stay caught up in this situation. I think you are feeling very isolated right now because of your friends silence and you want to reach out to the AP to feel better. If you have support outside of this circle of friends reach out to them so that you don't isolate yourself further:(

 

Yes I know therapy will benefit me a lot, I have big self esteem issues and clearly I feel I am unloveable if I don't have a man, at whatever cost. All my friends are married and I'm the only single person still living at home. That hurts, I feel like a failure. He made me feel like I wasn't anymore. I guess that's what it boils down to really. So to lose him now, I feel like a bigger failure than ever. I've been rejected in the worst possible way.

 

Gosh I feel like I've opened such massive wounds now. I'm glad I posted, you're making me feel so much less alone. But clearly I need to fix myself. Having an affair is probably the worst thing I could have done to myself in hindsight. At the time it got rid of all my self esteem, now it's just increased it a million per cent...