Our friends have made us end the affair

[Satu]

OP:

 

Below is something I put together for myself, when I was going through a very bad time, but some of it might be useful for you.

 

1. Recognise that you are in the crisis phase, You are very hurt, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling. That never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. Walking or stretching is fine.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

If you are on any prescription meds, take them as prescribed.

 

4. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

5. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

6. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

7. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

[BTDT2012]

I have big self esteem issues and clearly I feel I am unloveable if I don't have a man, at whatever cost.

 

This is unhealthy. I am glad you decided to get some therapy. You didn't have a man when you were sneaking around with him. I hope you are able to find some peace.

[alsudduth]

I don't have a partner, I'm completely single. So all they have said is that I cannot do this anymore. In some ways this makes everything worse for me, I have no partner to go back to to work on things. I am completely alone now.

 

Next time don't get involved with someone that isn't single.

[eye of the storm]

Catface, there was so many things I wanted to quote. So in no particular order...

 

So to lose him now, I feel like a bigger failure than ever. I've been rejected in the worst possible way.

You cannot lose someone that was not yours. If he belongs to anyone (which people don't) it is his GF of 6 years. Also, trust me, there are WAY worse ways to be rejected. And I don't care what kind of relationship you have, when it ends, no matter how it ends does not make you a failure. It just means it wasn't right. In fact, quitting is the only thing that makes you a failure.

 

I am in a situation where me and AP are not speaking, and it is killing me. I don't know what he's thinking, I don't know if he's not speaking to me because his friends have told him we can't, or because he genuinely doesn't want to anymore.

If he is not speaking to you it is because he chooses to not speak to you.

 

We had no intention of breaking up, we were making plans for the future and everything seemed rosy. Now I have no idea where to go from here....

He wasn't dating you. He is dating her. He was future faking you. Ill tell you where you can go. Up. To a better place. Where you don't have to sneak around and hide who you are dating. Where you are dating a man who is not ashamed or angry when you tell someone about your relationship. Where you can be happy, secure, and open.

 

He was my best friend, and now I feel like it has ended through something we have no control over, it wasn't either one of our's decision.

This is not how best friends treat each other. You have to stop thinking that you both had no control and that it wasn't a decision. Doing that makes it seem like some tragic love affair derailed by fate. It isn't. He had control and he made a decision. He wanted a nice quiet affair, he wanted to run around on his GF and not get caught. When it became public he chose to drop you like a hot potato. He made the decision to duck and run.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking in all honesty, I suppose I want to know if I should contact him and apologise (this is pretty much all my fault I suppose),

On what planet is this all your fault?! Why would you apologize to him for letting him cheat on his GF with you? "Oh I'm so sorry I allowed you to sleep with me! How dastardly of me!!! Can you ever forgive me?!" See how silly that sounds.

 

whether I should have any hope that I will see/talk to him again, and whether all the beautiful memories and feelings we had towards each other have now disappeared from his mind due to the mess we are in with our friends

He will talk to you once things quiet down and he thinks nobody is looking. He will want to keep you in line for when he wants to cheat again. And, remember, the beautiful feelings and memories are on your side. They were real. But they were only yours.

 

Please also know that I am so genuinely sorry for putting my friends in this situation and I deserve all the ignored texts I am currently getting from them.

Hopefully they will settle down. I truly mean that.

 

I hope you don't feel I am being cruel. To me, sometimes it is easier to sort thru feelings and emotions if I strip them down to basics and facts.

 

You are hurt. You have a right to be. I hope you are able to find someone to talk to. You need to work on why your self esteem is not higher. You are an amazing person. Please keep that in mind.

 

And if your friends continue to freeze you out, find new ones. Volunteer, go to dog parks, take a class, and each and every day speak to someone new. Even if it is just hello. And for God's sake, smile. You deserve it.

[Satu]

snip

Yes I know therapy will benefit me a lot, *I have big self esteem issues and clearly I feel I am unloveable if I don't have a man, at whatever cost.

 

*This leaves you vulnerable to men who might abuse and exploit you.

 

Cheats and abusers are very good at sensing vulnerabilities.

 

 

Take care.

[BenchCoach]

Wow, I see a few posters condoning you actions, as well as implying that your friends are wrong in their stance of distancing themselves from you and the situation- WOW! How do you think they feel caught up in the middle of your bad decisions. I bet they thought better of you. I'm sure it's more about their disappointment in the both of you, as they're also acquainted with the betrayed party.

 

First off, you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions and the consequences that follow. Ever heard of "personal accountability? You knew very well how wrong this all was, to begin with. You pushed it until you two were exposed in the act... who's fault is that again?

 

 

This is a support site to give you advice on how to make your situation better, not encourage you to keep making yourself crazy. You need to distance yourself from ALL these people at the moment, and regroup and reflect on what got you in this mess in the first place- your lack of self-esteem. For this you should really seek professional help, or you'll find yourself in the same predicament in the future.

[Sub]

Curiousty killed the cat...your friend wanted to know so badly that she cornered you. She put herself in that situation. No your A isn't right but your friend wanted to know so badly & she got what she wanted. This is the exact reason I mind my own business...your lesson should be, stop A but your friend's lesson should be, mind her business. You think your friends will tell?

 

Not sure I follow this. If she should stop the A, what did the friend do wrong by confronting her and telling her the same thing? Maybe her friend - assuming she knows the OP's self esteem issues being that she's her friend - wanted to show her some tough love by telling her to end it. If a person's a friend, they don't necessarily stand idly by and mind their own business when they see trouble on the horizon for someone they care about. I'm sure they also don't want to have to keep the secret when the see the GF. But that's just a part of it, IMO.

[ShatteredLady]

Very gently....

 

I can understand your pain. I really can. I have a couple of dear friends who are still single when everyone else in the group is married or planning to. We all have kids (or planning) & they get left out of things. It's so very hard for them.

 

 

We use certain phrases in our heads & they become 'facts' to us. You're saying some unhealthy non-facts. He's NOT & has never been your best friend. He's been in a deep, committed relationship for 6 years, your friends know her but you don't?!? How can a BEST FRIEND share their life with someone you don't know? Have you ever been to his home? Been to dinner with them?

 

It looks to me like he was 'Just a guy' in your social circle who had no qualms about causing all of this drama, betraying his life partner & deceiving all of his friends. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

You had an extremely upsetting situation with your friend. You called him but rather than talking & supporting you he snuck away from his partner for a quick f**k in the kitchen!! Really!!

 

Was the friend who confronted you your best friend? Can you sit down with her & bare your soul? A true friend will help you no matter what you've done. Was/is she giving you tough love?

 

Close groups of friends can get pretty incestuous. I know ours did. It broke-up the group. Close friends become like family. Infidelity effects everyone around you...everyone who CARES!! This is all still very fresh. Your true friends will be there once the anger & disgust wears off a bit....YOU did promise it was stopping & then invited him over for sex in the kitchen that SAME NIGHT!! Of course there's much judgement.

 

I know it doesn't help much but the time will come that you look back on this a groan at the woman you WERE. Learn from this, grow, find humility without loosing anymore of your perceived self-worth.

 

You're here asking for help. You're better than you think you are

[whichwayisup]

Hello all, really looking for some support and guidance really. I have been having a relationship, both physical and emotional with someone in my immediate circle of friends (who has a LT GF for 6 years). It has been going on for the last 3 months and I have fallen head over heals in love with him. At a friends housewarming party last weekend my friend told me she could see what was going on and if I had any respect for her I would tell her the truth. I was drunk and completely caved and told her everything. She begged me to end it and I said I would. Still very drunk, I told AP to come over to the party. He did. We had sex in the kitchen while we thought everyone was asleep, and one of our friends walked in on us. I know it was such a stupid and careless thing to do but we hadn't seen each other for a while and as soon as we saw each other we couldn't help it.

 

I've told him that all our friends know now, and that someone walked in on us. He was angry at first that I had told our friends, but I did also mention the fact that someone saw us having sex so it didn't really matter whether I said something or not. The last time we spoke was a few days ago when I confessed I had stupidly revealed all. The phone conversation ended nicely enough, he told me to have a nice day and we'll speak soon. But I think we both know that we shouldn't talk anymore. Thankfully his long term gf is not going to find out, I hope.

 

I have not stopped crying since all of this happened, it's only since we have stopped talking every day that I have realised he was getting me through each day.

 

Does he even miss me? Does he think about me? I want to talk to him so badly, as I'm typing this at work I'm crying. He was my best friend, and now I feel like it has ended through something we have no control over, it wasn't either one of our's decision.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking in all honesty, I suppose I want to know if I should contact him and apologise (this is pretty much all my fault I suppose), whether I should have any hope that I will see/talk to him again, and whether all the beautiful memories and feelings we had towards each other have now disappeared from his mind due to the mess we are in with our friends, who want no part of this (and also know his girlfriend and sometimes go for dinner with him and his girlfriend). Please also know that I am so genuinely sorry for putting my friends in this situation and I deserve all the ignored texts I am currently getting from them.

 

One of the friends very well could tell his girlfriend, it's only a matter of time so be prepared for the fallout.

 

It's good you're owning your part in this. You both put your friends in a really crappy position by being caught and they have every right to distance themselves.

 

You had sex in their kitchen, so one some level I wonder if you both wanted to get caught?

[whichwayisup]

Yes I think you're right, he is potentially about to lose everything. He weirdly seems fine about it, posting photos on SnapChat today while my eyes are burning from crying all day. Maybe he's in denial of what is about to happen to him I don't know.

 

With regards to friends, no not really. I am very much an introvert with social anxiety and they were my rocks. I have a couple of other friends but I don't see them too much as they have young families etc. He is massively popular and has a completely full social life. So I'm guessing this is far easier for him than it is me. I am genuinely at a loss right now as to how to recover from this.

 

You say you two were actually making plans to be together in the future? sorry but I think he led you on and only wanted you on the side, otherwise he'd come clean to his gf about the affair, end things with her and be with you. He hasn't done that, he's ignored you. Actions speak louder than words.

 

It's good you're seeking counseling. It'll help you understand why you let yourself get involved and too invested in someone who already is committed to someone else.

[Satu]

A cheat is a liar by definition.

[sandylee1]

You feel sorry for putting your friends in that position and sorry you miss him ..... but no mention of feeling bad for his GF.

 

Seems to be all about you.

 

You have decent friends, but with you unable to resist sex in the open ... this could get back to his GF. Then you'll hear how you meant nothing to him and he regrets every minute of it. He'll say that because you were just there for his physical satisfaction.

 

Find a man you don't have to sneak around with. Not somebody else's guy. That never ends well at all.

 

Don't be a secret. Men don't generally hide the woman they love

[sandylee1]

Why do your friends care? I mean is it another friend's H or something? My friends cared about me enough to tell me to stop bc they love me but if your friends aren't calling you back bc you had an A, they're not your real friends. Why don you owe them an explanation to anything?

 

Sorry but this is nonsense.

 

It's an affair. It's wrong. It becomes people's business when their other friend is being cheated.

 

OP - don't sleep with someone else's man .... but if you simply can't resist ..... do it very far away from your circle of friends. Don't **** where you eat.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry but this is nonsense.

 

It's an affair. It's wrong. It becomes people's business when their other friend is being cheated.

 

OP - don't sleep with someone else's man .... but if you simply can't resist ..... do it very far away from your circle of friends. Don't **** where you eat.

 

Frankly if someone has sex with their AP in my kitchen, ID have a few words to say about it!

 

WTH?

[catface1]

I just want to sincerely thank everyone who has replied to me in this thread, this forum is amazing and the people on it are wonderful, you should all know that you have genuinely made me heal that little bit faster than if I was on my own, and have stopped me having very dark thoughts over the last few days. You don't know how close I was to the edge.

 

After all the no nonsense advice, I am starting to feel anger towards him now. I am realising I have been played good and proper. He has not asked me if I'm ok, he has not apologised to our friends. No one has really heard from him. Completely avoiding any conflict and probably going about his daily life with his GF and his other friends as if nothing at all has happened.

 

One of my friends (the one who walked in on us and is AP's best friend) has finally returned my texts, to say we will meet up in time but that he's just fed up of it all at the moment, and it's not just me he can't speak to right now, it's him (AP) too. So that's positive I suppose.

 

I went out last night with another friend and spoke to her husband about it all to get a male perspective. He told me that I have been absolutely played. I am finally starting to believe everyone now. Although I have done a really bad thing, I have never cheated on a partner in such a despicable and blase way (if he did indeed have no feelings for me and it was just sex) and I'm finding myself feeling very angry and shocked at what kind of a person he really is.

 

I will still get counselling, thank you all for saying it's a good idea. I think it will be.

 

I hope the progression of this post - from me missing him and wanting him back, to me discovering merely by talking openly about my feelings has made me realise that I have some issues that need working out, to realising what a terrible thing I've done and what an absolute ar*ehole he is - is helpful for other people in a similar situation. And that when things are looked at objectively, it tends to bring out the truth.

 

I do miss him, no one can switch off feelings for someone unless they're a complete sociopath (maybe he is?!), but I'm starting to realise I won't in time. And if I help fix myself, maybe, just maybe, I will find someone who will love me unconditionally. That's all I really want.

 

Again, thank you everyone. I don't know who any of you are, but you've been my saviors and I love you all. I won't ever forget the support and help you all gave me, you will all have good karma for a long time!

[dreamingoftigers]

I just want to sincerely thank everyone who has replied to me in this thread, this forum is amazing and the people on it are wonderful, you should all know that you have genuinely made me heal that little bit faster than if I was on my own, and have stopped me having very dark thoughts over the last few days. You don't know how close I was to the edge.

 

After all the no nonsense advice, I am starting to feel anger towards him now. I am realising I have been played good and proper. He has not asked me if I'm ok, he has not apologised to our friends. No one has really heard from him. Completely avoiding any conflict and probably going about his daily life with his GF and his other friends as if nothing at all has happened.

 

One of my friends (the one who walked in on us and is AP's best friend) has finally returned my texts, to say we will meet up in time but that he's just fed up of it all at the moment, and it's not just me he can't speak to right now, it's him (AP) too. So that's positive I suppose.

 

I went out last night with another friend and spoke to her husband about it all to get a male perspective. He told me that I have been absolutely played. I am finally starting to believe everyone now. Although I have done a really bad thing, I have never cheated on a partner in such a despicable and blase way (if he did indeed have no feelings for me and it was just sex) and I'm finding myself feeling very angry and shocked at what kind of a person he really is.

 

I will still get counselling, thank you all for saying it's a good idea. I think it will be.

 

I hope the progression of this post - from me missing him and wanting him back, to me discovering merely by talking openly about my feelings has made me realise that I have some issues that need working out, to realising what a terrible thing I've done and what an absolute ar*ehole he is - is helpful for other people in a similar situation. And that when things are looked at objectively, it tends to bring out the truth.

 

I do miss him, no one can switch off feelings for someone unless they're a complete sociopath (maybe he is?!), but I'm starting to realise I won't in time. And if I help fix myself, maybe, just maybe, I will find someone who will love me unconditionally. That's all I really want.

 

Again, thank you everyone. I don't know who any of you are, but you've been my saviors and I love you all. I won't ever forget the support and help you all gave me, you will all have good karma for a long time!

 

Cheaters are generally conflict-avoidant and escapist.

 

None of your story surprises me.

 

I swear that often cheating men use their primary relationship like the woman is their "Mommy" then they go out and screw "girlfriends" like a teenager.

 

"Yeah, sure, when I turn 18 then we will runaway and get married and everything will be awesome!"

 

That kind of maturity level.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I just want to sincerely thank everyone who has replied to me in this thread, this forum is amazing and the people on it are wonderful, you should all know that you have genuinely made me heal that little bit faster than if I was on my own, and have stopped me having very dark thoughts over the last few days. You don't know how close I was to the edge.

 

After all the no nonsense advice, I am starting to feel anger towards him now. I am realising I have been played good and proper. He has not asked me if I'm ok, he has not apologised to our friends. No one has really heard from him. Completely avoiding any conflict and probably going about his daily life with his GF and his other friends as if nothing at all has happened.

 

One of my friends (the one who walked in on us and is AP's best friend) has finally returned my texts, to say we will meet up in time but that he's just fed up of it all at the moment, and it's not just me he can't speak to right now, it's him (AP) too. So that's positive I suppose.

 

I went out last night with another friend and spoke to her husband about it all to get a male perspective. He told me that I have been absolutely played. I am finally starting to believe everyone now. Although I have done a really bad thing, I have never cheated on a partner in such a despicable and blase way (if he did indeed have no feelings for me and it was just sex) and I'm finding myself feeling very angry and shocked at what kind of a person he really is.

 

I will still get counselling, thank you all for saying it's a good idea. I think it will be.

 

I hope the progression of this post - from me missing him and wanting him back, to me discovering merely by talking openly about my feelings has made me realise that I have some issues that need working out, to realising what a terrible thing I've done and what an absolute ar*ehole he is - is helpful for other people in a similar situation. And that when things are looked at objectively, it tends to bring out the truth.

 

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say while it was a really self-destructive thing you did and you messed up your group of friends, I would not label it a "terrible" thing or put too much bad feelings on yourself. You sound pretty young, you are single, not cheating on anyone and while he is not a nice guy, he is also single. Yes, it is a mess but take a look at the things people do to each other in marriages, some really terrible things. I don't put this on the same level.

 

He's a bad guy but you participated because you wanted him to be with you, own it, don't be a victim and learn the lesson that you can never get a guy this way. It is a valuable lesson. Trust me.

 

I would use this as an opportunity to make some new friends - women friends - and just think bout how you can change your life. Meet someone new and don't ever do all this crap again because when you do it and you are married, then it's a whole can of worms you cannot easily move on from.

[Satu]

snip

I just want to sincerely thank everyone who has replied to me in this thread, *this forum is amazing and the people on it are wonderful, you should all know that you have genuinely made me heal that little bit faster than if I was on my own, and have stopped me having very dark thoughts over the last few days. You don't know how close I was to the edge.

 

 

*You're here as one of us, and you're wonderful too

[aileD]

Why are you so upset?

 

He could be with you but he chooses not to and chooses to ignore you instead.

 

At least you know this. Pick yourself up and find a single someone who wants to be with you.

[S2B]

He's not married, which means he doesn't have that powerful of a commitment. If he wanted to be with you, he could. As for your friends telling you, what you can & can't do is ridiculous. They can't, you're a grown woman

 

It's true ^^

 

And he isn't married... He's just cheating and keeping up a lie - to which you have helped him keep.

 

He COULD end it with her (she deserves better!) and be with you ---> easily he COULD be with you. Why isn't he?

 

Why are YOU settling for being second choice? I hope you will get professional help with your self worth.

[catface1]

Hi everyone,

 

After doing a bit of soul searching over the weekend, it does appear massively so that I need others' approval to feel any kind of happy so this is something, as others have rightly pointed out, that I need to work on otherwise none of my future relationships will be healthy ones.

 

I would also say that when essentially agreeing to be the OW/OM it's worth thinking about why you are ok with this. Yes I love this man, BUT my moral compass should have been red flagging this BEFORE it got to the love stage. In the first few weeks why did I think this was ok? Why did I not care AT ALL about his long term GF (no judging please but I honestly didn't) or about my friends?

These are questions I, and probably a few others really need to ask themselves. I'm sure we are all good people here, I'd like to think that I am, but somehow this sorry arrangement was acceptable in our eyes. I think maybe I justified doing this because I thought in the long run it would pay off? Or maybe I felt like a winner in an otherwise unfulfilling life, in which case only I can change that. Not someone else and certainly not someone with a girlfriend.

 

He still has not been in touch which is sending me on a manic cycle of missing the hell out of him, and being totally angry with him. I know it's a strange situation in that all of our friends know, which is a weird DDay I suppose. His GF does not know. And I did tell him that everyone knows and so we probably shouldn't speak anymore and that was that last contact we had 7 days ago, but I still want him to say sorry to me. Or ask me how I'm doing. Even as a friend rather than anything else. We are in a close circle of friends, we have to surely talk about what's happened don't we? It still plays on in my head why he chose to have an affair with a close friend, when the risks involved were so high? Surely if someone wanted an affair it would be with someone far far away from his own social life? Idk..

 

In terms of my friends, and I know this is going to sound so dumb, the girl who was the most angry with me, and knows AP's GF, 'liked' my most recent photo on Instagram today. I know this makes me sound very immature, but we are all late 20's/early 30's and this seems like a good sign she's calming down.

 

Also, one of the friends has restarted an old WhatsApp group which was exclusively the 2 married friends (who know what has happened) and me and my AP (because that's how it used to be), I'm not sure if this is a good thing, or what his motivations are for restarting it but so far it's all ok. I think he wants everything to go back to normal, how it used to be. So I sort of feel that it is only a matter of time before me and xAP have contact, whether indirectly or not.

 

I miss him to pieces, I want everything to go back to normal, I miss the affair (I'm sorry but I do at this moment, in 2 hours I probably won't. And that's how it is right now, ups and downs), I miss talking to him every hour of every day for the last 4 months.

 

I have 2 voices in my head, both as loud as each other. One is telling me he is an absolute d*** for what he has done and karma will get him, and I hope his GF finds out. And the other one is saying that what we had was real, the conversations from morning til night, the stupid names we had for each other, the photography business we were going to set up together (he's a professional photographer, I'm an amateur, but he was going to teach me), everything was lovely and I want to go back to 2 weeks ago where there was no danger. How can 2 completely separate voices be as loud as each other in my mind? It's like one goes to sleep for a while so the other one comes out and starts talking. But then the other one wakes up and they start talking over each other, competing for my attention. Absolute madness!

 

Sorry this must sound like an absolute ramble, but LS is totally helping me. When I'm feeling down I read posts, and it's weirdly comforting. So I'm just aimlessly typing and seeing what comes out...

[grassisorisntgreener]

I hope you continue to progress.

 

Don't bother waiting for an apology, you will never get one. It won't be genuine even if he says he's sorry. If he was truly sorry he would be manning up right now and making all of this right. But he isn't.

[Whoknew30]

Sorry but this is nonsense.

 

It's an affair. It's wrong. It becomes people's business when their other friend is being cheated.

 

OP - don't sleep with someone else's man .... but if you simply can't resist ..... do it very far away from your circle of friends. Don't **** where you eat.

 

It's not A bc he is not married. Cheating but not an A. So what it's wrong, it's still none of her friends' business. She already said that they're friends with her & the guy, it's his girlfriend. Her friend is a trouble maker...she pushed to find out. My friend & I would never do that to each other...EVER.

 

Though please explain to me why people think things are their business, when it's not. Her friend pushed to know, why? Why would she want to know if not a trouble maker herself? People like to pretend their so moral when it comes to others. I bet if more people payed attention to their own lives & fixed their own problems first...the world would be such a better place.

[Sub]

I'll just say I think I'm better off having had friends and loved ones call me on my crap and let me know when I'm screwing up at times throughout my life. Never considered them troublemakers.

[eye of the storm]

Catface, the back and forth desires, the opposing voices....all normal. Missing him, normal.

 

Its all normal because to you, this was, to you, real. You were not faking. Wanting an apology or explanations is a valid want.

 

The problem you have is, you were not alone in this. And his side of the coin was not real and he has no interest in apologizing or explaining.

 

We can only take responsibility for ourselves. We can only work on and fix ourselves. We have no control or authority to make others do what we want/need.

 

Work on you. Not because of him. But because you want to put yourself into a place where you are happy and healthy. You deserve that.