Our friends have made us end the affair

[stillafool]

I hope you continue to progress.

 

Don't bother waiting for an apology, you will never get one. It won't be genuine even if he says he's sorry. If he was truly sorry he would be manning up right now and making all of this right. But he isn't.

 

He may also feel that you are the one who owes him an apology for inviting him over that night and having sex in the kitchen. You both were wrong so you can't put all the blame on him as you wanted it and you still do. You have to realize what you had is over and he is where he wants to be. I personally think it is best that he stays away from you and the group because it puts his relationship with his gf in jeopardy (someone might tell her what happened) and he doesn't want to risk that. Also you don't need to see him as it will set you back. I think the questions that you have for him should be the questions you ask yourself to get your closure.

[catface1]

stillafool - this has crossed my mind that he is probably angry towards me for inviting him over. Looking back at my texts to him that night I was pretty insistent (very drunk and pining) on seeing him. He was very drunk too, recipe for disaster. I have contemplated apologising to him but I don't think I'm ready to contact him just yet (mostly out of fear of him ignoring me, which would set me back even further). Maybe when I feel more in control of my feelings towards him I should let him know that I'm sorry and also accountable that I brought this on both of us and our friends. Yes I know I don't owe him anything, but it's just in my nature to want to fix things and to get on with everybody. I do want our friend group to be ok, I will undoubtedly have to see him again at some point in the future. But right now yes, concentrating on me and will not be contacting him at all.

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone,

 

After doing a bit of soul searching over the weekend, it does appear massively so that I need others' approval to feel any kind of happy so this is something, as others have rightly pointed out, that I need to work on otherwise none of my future relationships will be healthy ones.

 

I would also say that when essentially agreeing to be the OW/OM it's worth thinking about why you are ok with this. Yes I love this man, BUT my moral compass should have been red flagging this BEFORE it got to the love stage. In the first few weeks why did I think this was ok? Why did I not care AT ALL about his long term GF (no judging please but I honestly didn't) or about my friends?

These are questions I, and probably a few others really need to ask themselves. I'm sure we are all good people here, I'd like to think that I am, but somehow this sorry arrangement was acceptable in our eyes. I think maybe I justified doing this because I thought in the long run it would pay off? Or maybe I felt like a winner in an otherwise unfulfilling life, in which case only I can change that. Not someone else and certainly not someone with a girlfriend.

 

Counseling will help you figure that out.

He still has not been in touch which is sending me on a manic cycle of missing the hell out of him, and being totally angry with him. I know it's a strange situation in that all of our friends know, which is a weird DDay I suppose. His GF does not know. And I did tell him that everyone knows and so we probably shouldn't speak anymore and that was that last contact we had 7 days ago, but I still want him to say sorry to me. Or ask me how I'm doing. Even as a friend rather than anything else. We are in a close circle of friends, we have to surely talk about what's happened don't we? It still plays on in my head why he chose to have an affair with a close friend, when the risks involved were so high? Surely if someone wanted an affair it would be with someone far far away from his own social life? Idk..

 

You won't the answers from him, but you can ask yourself the same questions and figure out why you chose that path knowing full well the risks involved. You're focusing way too much on his why's instead of your own.

[ladydesigner]

Catface, the back and forth desires, the opposing voices....all normal. Missing him, normal.

 

Its all normal because to you, this was, to you, real. You were not faking. Wanting an apology or explanations is a valid want.

 

The problem you have is, you were not alone in this. And his side of the coin was not real and he has no interest in apologizing or explaining.

 

We can only take responsibility for ourselves. We can only work on and fix ourselves. We have no control or authority to make others do what we want/need.

 

Work on you. Not because of him. But because you want to put yourself into a place where you are happy and healthy. You deserve that.

 

 

I agree with this ^ OP all the emotions you are having are normal. A's feel very much like an addiction. The pull is so strong. You are grieving what you thought was very much real. It takes as long as it takes to get over it, but you will. I think it would be good to distance yourself from him as any contact with him will feed the addiction. Try to keep the focus on YOU only you. Get into therapy, exercise, make new friends, etc...

[dreamingoftigers]

It's not A bc he is not married. Cheating but not an A. So what it's wrong, it's still none of her friends' business. She already said that they're friends with her & the guy, it's his girlfriend. Her friend is a trouble maker...she pushed to find out. My friend & I would never do that to each other...EVER.

 

Though please explain to me why people think things are their business, when it's not. Her friend pushed to know, why? Why would she want to know if not a trouble maker herself? People like to pretend their so moral when it comes to others. I bet if more people payed attention to their own lives & fixed their own problems first...the world would be such a better place.

 

I think someone screwing in my kitchen when I am good friends with one of their girlfriends would be an issue.

 

Pretty sure anyhow.

 

My kitchen is pretty small.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree with this ^ OP all the emotions you are having are normal. A's feel very much like an addiction. The pull is so strong. You are grieving what you thought was very much real. It takes as long as it takes to get over it, but you will. I think it would be good to distance yourself from him as any contact with him will feed the addiction. Try to keep the focus on YOU only you. Get into therapy, exercise, make new friends, etc...

 

Totally this ^

 

OP, I think you have a better chance of making solid realizations and moving on from this guy then most women who get involved with cheaters.

 

So, don't contact him.and black his contact with you.

[catface1]

I won't go into my entire story, except to say that like most I have come out of an affair (he was engaged not married, but that still constitutes an affair to me) and have a million different feelings going on in my mind. While I am slowly convincing myself that the 'relationship' is all over, I am struggling to get back to normal life.

I just about go through my day at work (which people have picked up on, and so I told them I am going through a break up, they do have a lot of sympathy so my job is not in jeopardy), barely bother with my appearance and currently cannot bring myself to do anything productive or any housework etc.

 

This is of course a bit of a philosophical question, but I'm wondering, should I let myself feel like this for a while and not try to force myself to 'man up'? Or should I be making myself normal again and making myself get back to the way things were?

 

The last weekend I literally shut myself in, wore pyjamas all day, ate ice cream and watched films. And it that moment it felt lovely, luxurious and carefree. But I know that if I want to improve myself, get over the affair and get back to my former self; I cannot stay like this for long.

 

Do you just suddenly feel like getting back on with things after feeling so low for a while? Or is a very strong mental effort needed to get out of the depression/lowness?

 

Which is healthier - to allow yourself to wallow and be a victim for a while, or to force yourself to feel ok again even though you don't feel ready yet?

 

I know this is more to do with self-healing rather than affair advice, but I thought it would be helpful to myself and others when it all goes wrong!

 

What have everyone's own experiences been?

[imperfectangel]

As you progress you will have good days and bad days. Since you've had the weekend I'd say tomorrow when you get up make the effort.

 

At the moment if I'm having a bad day I'll do what I have to to make it through and if I'm having a good day I'll do whatever. Right now I'm painting my house. Something I should've done weeks ago but just didn't have the energy to.

 

It's normal to feel down but don't let it become a habit

[Satu]

snip

 

Which is healthier - to allow yourself to wallow and be a victim for a while, or to force yourself to feel ok again even though you don't feel ready yet?

 

 

You should allow yourself to feel your feelings around this, but not for 'a very long time.'

Its up to you to decide how long 'a very long time' is.

 

Here's a relevant quote:

 

 

“Some grief shows much of love,

But much of grief shows still some want of wit.”

 

- Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.

 

 

Think about that one...

 

 

Take care.

[eye of the storm]

You are going to have good days and bad days. But you have to get off you butt and get back to living life.

 

And you are not a victim. You got into a relationship and it didn't work out. Most don't. It doesn't make you some kind of martyr.

 

You work place may feel bad for you but if you continue past a few days with not being productive or bothering with your appearance they will not feel bad for long and your job will be in jeopardy. You are not being paid to mope.

 

Fake it till you make it.

 

For me, and I am fully aware this sounds weird, I schedule time to mope. I allow myself to feel bad. But I do not let it consume me or affect the people that sign my paycheck. Force yourself into a schedule. Get up, work out or just take a walk, shower/get ready to go, work, come home prep dinner, eat, clean up, mope, go to bed.

 

Do not wallow in self pity. It isn't attractive, productive, or healthy.

[deepdeepblue]

It's been almost 2 weeks since I last spoke to my xAP, and I'm now finally getting back to myself. I didn't even care to man up. Couldn't sleep or eat well the entire time. I let myself feel sorry for myself and miss him until I realize I was wasting my time. I still do think about him though, unfortunately.

I think it's ok to let yourself feel that way. You will eventually feel like you can move on.

Take care.

[Patrice]

- get on a dating site, and just have fun. Appearance - if you feel low, and you aren't taking care of yourself - people will begin to notice. Keeping yourself in shape, nicely dressed etc - is good for YOUR self esteem. After break ups, I date myself for awhile - take myself out for dinner, a massage, a pedicure. I took myself on a Southern trip a while back - and just visited like 5 cities, by myself. It was an awesome time, to self-reflect and just be. You need to introspect on how you got lured into the relationship, so you don't do this to yourself again. Big Hugs!

[catface1]

snip

 

 

You should allow yourself to feel your feelings around this, but not for 'a very long time.'

Its up to you to decide how long 'a very long time' is.

 

Here's a relevant quote:

 

 

“Some grief shows much of love,

But much of grief shows still some want of wit.”

 

- Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.

 

 

 

 

Think about that one...

 

 

Take care.

 

Satu I love that quote, how apt! After graduating from university last month, with an English Literature degree no less, I remember analyzing R&J

 

Thank you.

[stillafool]

Take as much time as you need. I remember once going through a horrible break up and not feeling like putting myself together. My best friend had a strong talk with me and encouraged me to shower, put on some makeup, and wear nice clothes. I have to say I was resistant because I felt like I was dying but after I did all of this I felt much better about myself. I guess because I looked better I felt better.

[whatatangledweb]

Enjoy your good days and feel the emotions on the bad days. If the bad outweigh the good and start taking over then it will be time to push yourself to do the things you must do. Or get into IC .

 

I know you believe the group of friends is going to go back to the way it is, but I don't see that happening. If you both are there then it will still be akward for everyone. I think one of you will be poshed away sooner or later. I'm sorry.

[Whoknew30]

I'll just say I think I'm better off having had friends and loved ones call me on my crap and let me know when I'm screwing up at times throughout my life. Never considered them troublemakers.

 

Telling someone how you feel & trying to pretend your their mother are two different things. Demandung to know something then saying you're in the middle when told...is being a trouble maker. If someone really doesn't want to be in the middle of something, they don't go seeking it out.

[BenchCoach]

I hope someone does the right thing amd informs his GF of what total POS this guy is. No one deserves to be kept in the dark about something so cruel being done to them.

[catface1]

In some ways yes I do want his gf to find out, I have started feeling very sorry for her that she will probably never find out about this. Although in some ways I hate her, I hate that she gets to share her life with him when they are clearly not right for each other. My friends have all started gradually talking to me again, I think now that the dust has settled they perhaps understand that in some ways, it was bound to happen between us. It was still a sh***y thing to do though.

 

Mostly I'm ok, I've started going to yoga classes and am trying to get back into freelance writing (something I used to do part time while I was at uni), and have started reading again which provides some escapism for a while.

 

Tonight I'm having an absolutely miss him moment, which is why I'm posting. Neither of us have been in touch with each other in 2 weeks and I'm sad. He used to write poetry about me ffs, he gave me his favourite Bowie t-shirt because he knows how much I love him. He gave me his limited edition copy of Back To The Future DVD because it's his favourite film and he wanted me to love it too, we were going to watch it together and now it's just sitting on my desk, and it's making me sad. I went to his friends wedding with him and they all commented that we are clearly happy together. It's all really sad. I'm sad. I hope he hasn't forgotten about me so quickly after everything we'd been through together and done together.

 

I still really regret what we did, especially in terms of his girlfriend, but there was something real (I think) between us, and now I'm too scared to contact him, and he probably thinks I'm an idiot for telling all his friends while it was all supposed to be under wraps for the time being. I am in limbo again, and questioning everything, and researching how to get him back as if he was my boyfriend when he never was (although it felt like we were dating at the time). It's probably because it's Saturday night and I have no one to go out with, but god damn I miss him one hell of a lot right now.

[BenchCoach]

i can't stress enough how much you need to go NC with ALL these people... at least for a time. i'm not saying you should go into seclusion and hide under a rock. but you really should keep your distance for the time being. this can be exposed at any time. i'm sure some "in the know" are debating whether to tell her.

 

i could only imagine the tension in the air when all of you are together: everyone in on the "cruel joke" that's being played on her. feel bad for her, she's the victim here.

 

 

to be fair to all parties involved, you two really sound a bit immature given your ages(late 20's - early 30's). not how i would expect two adults with a sense of right & wrong and discretion.

[catface1]

I think we were pretty reckless yes, and probably immature too. But hurting none the less.

[sandylee1]

It's not A bc he is not married. Cheating but not an A. So what it's wrong, it's still none of her friends' business. She already said that they're friends with her & the guy, it's his girlfriend. Her friend is a trouble maker...she pushed to find out. My friend & I would never do that to each other...EVER.

 

Though please explain to me why people think things are their business, when it's not. Her friend pushed to know, why? Why would she want to know if not a trouble maker herself? People like to pretend their so moral when it comes to others. I bet if more people payed attention to their own lives & fixed their own problems first...the world would be such a better place.

 

 

That's okay if you want to debate the meaning of affair and how this isn't one. Though I don't see the relevance here.

 

How you think the friend is a trouble maker baffles me. Since when did not wanting to see your friends have an affair make you a troublemaker !

 

When you have sex with a person who is in a relationship with someone else, where your group of mutual friends can catch you and where they are also friends with the betrayed party, you've kinda made it their business. You've certainly made it their concern if nothing else.

 

A half decent person generally doesn't want to be part of the deceit. The friend suspected and was spot on. It's not nice seeing another person being cheated on and being made a fool of.

 

OP - I'm sure if it was your BF having an affair and your friends knew about, you'd want them to speak up to your BF or you and not just say it's not their business.

 

The problem is affairs make people incredibly selfish and you are unable to see the damage that will result from it.