Affair partner's disappearance

[deepdeepblue]

Hi I hope somebody could give me honest opinions.

I'm a MW and I was having an affair with a MM that lasted for 5 months.

 

When we first met, he was attracted to me instantly, and for me, it happened gradually. We talked (texted) everyday and our conversation was very deep and intellectual.

We met for lunch, coffee, or dinner whenever we could, which was not often due to our schedules, but we enjoyed each other's company.

The first half of the relationship was completely platonic. Only one hug but we both knew we were attracted to each other and he was telling me he wanted more.

After the first kiss, I wanted to move on also, and a few weeks after that, we developed a physical relationship.

He was a busy guy but I was usually the one that couldn't find an excuse to leave the house to see him. We still talked every single day, and he was ALWAYS attentive and sweet.

After 5 months into the affair, I felt bad about not being able to see him much and asked him if he still enjoyed us. He said that , yes, without reservation and that I was a joy to his life.

We decided to spend a half day at a hotel last week. Everything was normal until the day before the date. He didn't text me for the first time and I texted him asking if everything was ok. He replied saying that he was having a mini family crisis and he didn't know what to do. So I told him that he should sort things out and hit me up when everything is ok.

And it was the last time I heard from him. 2 days before we were supposed to meet, he told me he couldn't wait to have me and he missed me so much.

I'm leaving out a lot of details of our relationship, but there was absolutely no sign of him getting cold feet. ABSOLUTELY NONE!

I texted him, emailed him, called him...nothing.

Why would he do this? I'm so crushed not to be able to get any sort of closure. What could have happened in one day?

I'm beyond devastated. I don't believe that he was all along pretending to care about me. If he was, he'd deserve the biggest acting award. It wasn't a one night stand. It wasn't only about sex. We had attachment.

 

Please can anyone make sense of this? I'm too hurt and confused to move on.

[stillafool]

Perhaps his wife found out.

[whichwayisup]

He replied saying that he was having a mini family crisis and he didn't know what to do. So I told him that he should sort things out and hit me up when everything is ok.

 

Something personal is going on in his life and that's why. Or as someone else said, maybe his wife found out, or at best is suspicious.

 

Give him space and use this time to ask yourself if what you're doing is worth losing your marriage.

[kittygirl8]

Hi, i think his wife found out. I disappeared without a closure to my xmm, i just think its pointless to say anything anymore to him, hope u wil get over this soon.

[BuddyX]

And your husband? Where is he in the entire picture? And please don't tell me you're in an unhappy marriage.

[eye of the storm]

After 5 months you wanted more. He didn't. The "family crises" was a way to start pulling away.

 

Or his wife started sniffing and he decided to dump the evidence (you).

 

Either way, you are lucky you are only 5 months into this. To you this wasn't about sex. To him it was.

 

I'm sorry. It hurts to find out exactly what you meant to them. It hurts to feel used. And this is going to sound cruel, but what you feel is a fraction of what your spouse is going to feel when they figure out why you are moping around missing another man.

 

But please, for pete's sake. Stop emailing/texting/calling him. Have some pride. If he decides to come back he will treat you much worse because now he knows when he ghosts you will stand around begging him to come back. Taking what ever scraps he decides to toss your way.

 

Try to use this time to figure out what is going on inside your house. And fix it or move on.

 

Good luck.

[deepdeepblue]

Thank you all for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I also thought the only somewhat reasonable explanation is that he got caught.

But still I'd have expected some closure. Wouldn't it be easier for him to tell me he can't do it anymore straight up than keep getting emails from his ex affair partner??

I DID stop contacting him already and I accept that I won't hear from him ever again, probably.

It's just very hurtful.

I left out things about my husband on purpose but he is no innocent victim of infidelity either. I'll just leave it at that.

[BuddyX]

Thank you all for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I also thought the only somewhat reasonable explanation is that he got caught.

But still I'd have expected some closure. Wouldn't it be easier for him to tell me he can't do it anymore straight up than keep getting emails from his ex affair partner??

I DID stop contacting him already and I accept that I won't hear from him ever again, probably.

It's just very hurtful.

I left out things about my husband on purpose but he is no innocent victim of infidelity either. I'll just leave it at that.

 

"officer I was doing 90 but did you see the other guy doing 95?"

 

So why are you in a marriage?

[hippychick3]

The fear of losing his wife and family outweighed any feelings he had for you. An OW will always come second after his family. Nothing good comes out of affairs...they always end with one or more people getting hurt.

[eye of the storm]

But still I'd have expected some closure. Wouldn't it be easier for him to tell me he can't do it anymore straight up than keep getting emails from his ex affair partner??

 

You would think it would be easier. But he is thinking "If I call her she will argue, she will beg, Ill have to lie...I'll just stop talking to her and then I won't have to deal with it". He is a conflict avoider, which is why he is having an A.

 

But don't look down on him for that. You are doing the exact same thing. There was a massive amount of anger in that one sentence

but he is no innocent victim of infidelity either. I'll just leave it at that.

.

[S2B]

Are you married too?

 

It's over for now... Accept that.

 

But IF you allow him to use you further - he will be back when the dust settles at home.

[DKT3]

Unless your husband placed mm's p in your v he is an innocent victim of your affair no matter if he had one himself or not. You are 100% responsible for it just as he is if he had one.

 

As for mm, well you assume this meant as much to him as it does to you, but judging from want you've wrote it's simply not the case. When a man is really into a woman he will make it happen, he is putting up no effort and from what you've wrote your doing all the chasing.

[Bufo]

Closure. The ever-elusive closure. Obsessing about closure often has the same result for the closure-seeker that obsessing about a candle flame has for a moth.

Bad, yet predictable, results in both cases.

 

Veni vidi vici were the famous words of Julius Caesar describing his conquest of Gaul. I came, I saw, I conquered. I think many philandering OM are his descendants.

 

He pulled a disappearing act without giving you a clue that he was going to do so or any reason why except the ambigious family crisis. That could mean his wife got suspicious, found evidence, or he confessed. Any other family crisis should have been briefly explained. Son got a girl,pregnant or kid in car wreck, etc. His NC stance must be frustrating, but I don't see much you can do about it.

 

Be very careful when he reappears. You know for certain that he is a,cheater and most probably a,liar. Are you better off without him in your life?

[Jersey born raised]

Two closely related questions: having been a victim of adultery yourself what are your thoughts about his wife, that you chose to be the OW?

 

Eye of the storm comment on resentment is very insightful. I suggest you strongly consider it and if valid how has this resentment impacted all aspects of your life.

Edited September 23, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[HeCantBreakMe]

Oh I am sure he will be back- with some convoluted story made to gain your sympathy and make you feel sorry for him. Remember this, as someone who is just getting out of her own affair, those of us who choose affairs are selfish and cannot cope with reality. Look at EVERYTHING he says and does towards you through those goggles - instead of the OH he LOOOVES me goggles.

 

He sucks, he will be back, and with his return he will bring more pain and devastation and lies. - the question is where will you be when he is standing there?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I just remembered a time that my xMM disappeared on me. I later learned that his wife had came to him crying about their marriage falling apart and he was so confused and blah blah blah- ultimately the message he conveyed to me was she wants to work on the marriage, it was all her fault we got here in the first place, and i still want to continue the affair because she will go back to being a terrible wife soon enough and then i can divorce her and get out. -

 

And guess what -- I BOUGHT it- because i didn't want to believe anything less. Because i was so messed up that it was easier to believe him and that he LOVED me so much he was continuing to choose me over her or whatever it was than to take a good hard look in the mirror and figure out for FFS what was wrong with me.

 

The funny thing is we get so mad on these boards about the head games these MM play with us but the fact of the matter is we play worse head games with ourselves. The truth is easy and is staring you in the face - but we choose to ignore it.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I also thought the only somewhat reasonable explanation is that he got caught.

But still I'd have expected some closure. Wouldn't it be easier for him to tell me he can't do it anymore straight up than keep getting emails from his ex affair partner??

I DID stop contacting him already and I accept that I won't hear from him ever again, probably.

It's just very hurtful.

I left out things about my husband on purpose but he is no innocent victim of infidelity either. I'll just leave it at that.

 

Because he doesn't want to have 'that' conversation with you or deal with your emotions and tears. Many men can't handle it so he's taken the cowards way out and has ignored you, hoping you'll just go away and leave him alone.

 

Focus on healing and grieving, and fix what is broken inside of you. Re invest in your husband and remember why you fell for your husband and got married.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Because he doesn't want to have 'that' conversation with you or deal with your emotions and tears. Many men can't handle it so he's taken the cowards way out and has ignored you, hoping you'll just go away and leave him alone.

 

Focus on healing and grieving, and fix what is broken inside of you. Re invest in your husband and remember why you fell for your husband and got married.

 

I agree with this. Remember it's better to be one man's first choice than another man's second choice.

[deepdeepblue]

It's painful to read some of your comments, but at the sametime, I agree with all of you.

I'm not trying to justify myself for having an affair. I think everybody would agree that nothing good comes from affairs.

I'm weak and selfish to fall for a MM, but I felt what I felt and what's done is done. I just wanted to somewhat make sense of what really could have happened to him.

I'm still in pain but all of your comments really helped me cope with the emptiness.

Yes, he's probably just a coward. Yes, he sucks.

I honestly don't think he'd reappear in my life but IF he did, I want to be strong enough to say f**k off.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's painful to read some of your comments, but at the sametime, I agree with all of you.

I'm not trying to justify myself for having an affair. I think everybody would agree that nothing good comes from affairs.

I'm weak and selfish to fall for a MM, but I felt what I felt and what's done is done. I just wanted to somewhat make sense of what really could have happened to him.

I'm still in pain but all of your comments really helped me cope with the emptiness.

Yes, he's probably just a coward. Yes, he sucks.

I honestly don't think he'd reappear in my life but IF he did, I want to be strong enough to say f**k off.

 

Most here are not judging you. I am sure not. You are wrong though about him not reappearing. Most reappear because they miss the ego boast and the affair buzz we gave them. When they resurface they are really remorseful, say how much they missed us, play the victim card, blame their spouse and sometimes you (as in, you just freaked me out with your love, intensity, whatever.) They say how sorry they are and how they will never ghost us again. Somehow you end up feeling bad for being upset in the first place.

[BuddyX]

Most of them do come back. Pay attention during Birthdays, Holidays, major events. They'll be a "how you doing" Text or email.

[kittygirl8]

Deepdeepblue im also a mw who had an EA for 3 years with a mm so I feel you, just went Nc a week ago but broke it with a happy birthday text but blocked him right off after, it was not as hard for me as i didnt sleep with him and Im thankful for that, I initiatd Nc early ths year but didnt do any blocking and he greetd Happy Valentines after 2 weeks, and so i was lured back until last week, i got fed up and just disappeard on him, now my focus is how to tel my H about this , now Im glad i did the right thing of goin Nc, you wil see things more clearly and make right decisions without ths mm lurking around feeding lies, . Hows ur relationship with your H? Mine was great but i stil cant fathom why I even had an EA! My H's acomplishments are no lesser than that mm , my H more handsome, loves me and kids but just doesnt express himself much with words, whch was the 1st thng why i found the mm intriguing, he showered me with lies and compliments makng me believe that our R was special, but its not. Its disgusting. Anyway Im pretty sure your mm wil be back, be very wary

[Jersey born raised]

I've read that adultery occurs when a person does not like themselves and the current state of their marriage. That adultery becomes a destructive coping mech. Seems to have some truth I think.

 

So Deep what are you going to do to fix yourself to be a person you like and your marriage. I suspect one aspect you don't like about yourself is you have stayed married.

[aileD]

Sorry if this is hurtful and blunt:

 

Despite his charming words, you actually mean NOTHING to him.

 

His wife probably found your texts, and demanded no contact and he agreed because despite anything he told you, he loves her and not you. You were a cheap thrill in his monotonous but comfy and content life.

 

Don't waste time looking for closure you're not going to get because he doesn't think you're worth it to him.

 

You deserve better. So does your husband.

 

I hope you are able to sort out your marriage and if you're unhappy--leave and find someone single who will respect you. You deserve respect

[Marc878]

He was like most. A hit and run. He got what he wanted and is now gone.