Affair partner's disappearance

[malvern99]

Because he doesn't want to have 'that' conversation with you or deal with your emotions and tears. Many men can't handle it so he's taken the cowards way out and has ignored you, hoping you'll just go away and leave him alone.

 

Focus on healing and grieving, and fix what is broken inside of you. Re invest in your husband and remember why you fell for your husband and got married.

 

I have a different take on this. Men and women generally look for different things in affairs. Women tend to look for an emotional connection and are willing to trade sex for that emotional connection. Men tend to look for no strings attached sex and are willing to fake an emotional connection for that sex. I guess we're just wired differently. That is why when A's end, women tend to have a very difficult time getting over it, while men seem to move on relatively unscathed. You see the evidence of that on this forum. 90% plus of the topics are started by women struggling emotionally to deal with an affair.

 

A "man" will set himself a goal, and that goal is to get in your pants. He will do what it takes to achieve that goal. He will keep doing what it takes as long as the pay off is worth the effort. Once that equation reverses itself though, the game is changed. The guy that called and texted everyday will suddenly start skipping some days. The guy who told you you were the love of his life will suddenly have reservations and will want you to work on your marriage while he works on his marriage. The guy who PROMISED you he would leave his wife for you suddenly has nothing but excuses for why "now is not the right time". It's all part of the game. Sadly though, many people are not equipped to play that game, and they end up running into an area angels fear to tread.

[l8estnews]

What could have happened in one day?

 

Best guess for me is D-Day.

[BluesPower]

Of course he got caught. I am guessing that maybe you have not been reading enough with what everyone else is/has gone through.

 

You realize that everything that he said is complete BS. I mean, his is not now and never was in love with you, right.

 

Even if your husband is/did have an affair, he is in no way responsible for you screwing around. That is all on you.

 

He may or may not come sniffing around again, it depends on his wife and if he wants to try and make the marriage work.

 

Seriously, if want to get laid, why not divorce your husband and get single. You won't have any trouble finding men I'm sure.

[aileD]

I just remembered a time that my xMM disappeared on me. I later learned that his wife had came to him crying about their marriage falling apart and he was so confused and blah blah blah- ultimately the message he conveyed to me was she wants to work on the marriage, it was all her fault we got here in the first place, and i still want to continue the affair because she will go back to being a terrible wife soon enough and then i can divorce her and get out. -

 

My husband said the same EXACT thing to his affair partner.

 

she believed him too. It got her nothing but pain.

 

Of course I was being told different. They do this, to keep everyone around till they figure out what they really want .

[Cloudcuckoo]

I have a different take on this. Men and women generally look for different things in affairs. Women tend to look for an emotional connection and are willing to trade sex for that emotional connection. Men tend to look for no strings attached sex and are willing to fake an emotional connection for that sex. I guess we're just wired differently. That is why when A's end, women tend to have a very difficult time getting over it, while men seem to move on relatively unscathed. You see the evidence of that on this forum. 90% plus of the topics are started by women struggling emotionally to deal with an affair.

 

A "man" will set himself a goal, and that goal is to get in your pants. He will do what it takes to achieve that goal. He will keep doing what it takes as long as the pay off is worth the effort. Once that equation reverses itself though, the game is changed. The guy that called and texted everyday will suddenly start skipping some days. The guy who told you you were the love of his life will suddenly have reservations and will want you to work on your marriage while he works on his marriage. The guy who PROMISED you he would leave his wife for you suddenly has nothing but excuses for why "now is not the right time". It's all part of the game. Sadly though, many people are not equipped to play that game, and they end up running into an area angels fear to tread.

 

Eloquently said Malvern...

[deepdeepblue]

One thing I want to clarify about the relationship with him is that we NEVER made any promises. We didn't even voice that we LOVED each other. I cared deeply about him and developed strong feelings for him, and sadly thought that it was the case for him too.

Also, up until the family crisis text, everything was just as the same. He didn't skip contacts, he didn't start acting weird or distant. There was no sign of ending, but it happened So abruptly.

That's the main reason of my confusion and devastation. But as someone said, guess I'm not worthy enough for him to give closure.

[aileD]

He got caught. You're the collateral damage.

 

You will do better for yourself!

[stilltrying16]

I'm so sorry you are hurting, deepdeepblue. Please keep posting and reading; it will help.

 

As this quote below explains, closure is a myth:

 

Closure or the need for closure is defined by Wikipedia as "psychological terms that describe an individual's desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity." Well, wouldn't that be nice, if we got firm answers to questions we have floating around out there in the universe. It is just not terribly realistic and questions you have may not ever be answered without any doubt involved.

 

You can absolutely move on from a relationship and not have closure. You can understand the dents and dings that you have received as a result of the relationship, determine if there is something of value to learn and engage in other relationships that are healthy and fulfilling. We do this stuff every day.

 

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/allyson-tomchin/intimate-relationships-closure-myth

 

 

Being dropped ice cold is painful, yes, but in the long run it might be better than some dragged out, sappy, insincere goodbye- because that is all you can expect from the selfish, cowardly POS he is.

 

Closure that requires something from him is useless- all it'll be is a way to start up new connections. Your emotional dependency on him will grow if you start obsessing about closure from him. Why not make your own closure? Let that be the first step in your journey to emotional health.

[shruti789]

Hi,

 

In my situation i was very close with a married man at work, we used to talk,We never said i love you, never had any physical contact. we messaged a lot.an EA (this i learned after coming to this forum) and suddenly he stopped contact saying he is afraid it will become an affair. my story is in another thread.

 

so after he stopped contact, i was feeling the same way as you. no closure. i was thinking WHY he stopped all contact suddenly. i have read your thread and it makes me see the truth more clearly. i think yours stopped contact because the wife found out and in my case too that must have been what happened.

 

I hope the replies here are helping you to come to terms with the bitter truth that he values his wife, not you and he selected her the moment he felt their relationship is threatened by this.

 

I know it's hard. Someone who was there to share things with, suddenly vanishes.... I am going forward with my daily life, trying to forget him.

[Timshel]

One thing I want to clarify about the relationship with him is that we NEVER made any promises. We didn't even voice that we LOVED each other. I cared deeply about him and developed strong feelings for him, and sadly thought that it was the case for him too.

Also, up until the family crisis text, everything was just as the same. He didn't skip contacts, he didn't start acting weird or distant. There was no sign of ending, but it happened So abruptly.

That's the main reason of my confusion and devastation. But as someone said, guess I'm not worthy enough for him to give closure.

 

It has nothing to do with your value. He's married, simples....that's all. It does not need to be and probably isn't any more complicated than that.

Maybe he got caught, maybe he didn't want to do it anymore. I would wager that whatever is going on in his tiny head....it's all about being married.

 

deepdeepblue, you are married also....I hope that you use this painful situation to reflect on your own marriage and what needs to happen to either turn toward your husband/marriage or to leave it behind. There is no reason to go through life with high octane levels of angst...but it does require taking a hard look at yourself and goals.

 

Heartbreak is painful but unless AP and yourself are willing to come clean, divorce and pursue a relationship without JBond level duplicity...you are better off for this to end and find contentment in reality.

[BluesPower]

deepdeepblue that is really just how it goes.

 

It has nothing to do with your worthiness in any way. Understand that it was just sex for him, even if you started developing other feelings.

 

When you have affairs this is just how things work out. Most of the time they end really badly, you really should consider yourself luck if it ended this way.

 

One of my other women actually lost her mind even though I told her that all along that 1) I was not in love and she should not be either, and 2) We were not going to be together.

 

We both loved the sex, but she got so heartbroken when I broke it off. She is not the only one and I really felt bad about all of them. I still do, that is just one reason not to have affairs. For me, I know that if my wife ever got sober, we would try to work it out. She did and we are.

 

Understand that he never loved you, not really as hard as this is to hear, believe me it is true. It really just takes time to get over this stuff.

 

And I realize that this is not your question, but what are you going to do about your marriage. If it is not working and there is no hope, which I believe is actually rare but it does happen, the you really should think about ending it. In the long run, I promise you will be happier.

 

However, if you do love your husband, you really should see if you can work it out. This is where I am at, for now and there are no guarantees at all, but if we can work out for the long term I really think I will be happy.

 

If not, I think I can be happy on my own as well. So we will see what happens.

 

But what about you? What do you think would make you happy? I can promise you that it will not be another affair. Not only could it end worse, it would not make you happy in the long term, of that I am sure.

 

Keep posting and good luck...

[S2B]

One thing I want to clarify about the relationship with him is that we NEVER made any promises. We didn't even voice that we LOVED each other. I cared deeply about him and developed strong feelings for him, and sadly thought that it was the case for him too.

Also, up until the family crisis text, everything was just as the same. He didn't skip contacts, he didn't start acting weird or distant. There was no sign of ending, but it happened So abruptly.

That's the main reason of my confusion and devastation. But as someone said, guess I'm not worthy enough for him to give closure.

 

But you don't need closure formally - this IS closure.

 

He has to put his time and energy into something now that is in crisis mode (probably his marriage that he intends to stay in).

 

So he is putting his time and energy THERE. That IS closure. He's not paying attention to you anymore because something is more urgent.

 

Do counseling. Find out why you need this attention from him. Why can't you provid le that FOR YOURSELF?

 

You are important. You don't need him to make you feel important - that is the illusion of any affair.

[Forever broken]

It's painful to read some of your comments, but at the sametime, I agree with all of you.

I'm not trying to justify myself for having an affair. I think everybody would agree that nothing good comes from affairs.

I'm weak and selfish to fall for a MM, but I felt what I felt and what's done is done. I just wanted to somewhat make sense of what really could have happened to him.

I'm still in pain but all of your comments really helped me cope with the emptiness.

Yes, he's probably just a coward. Yes, he sucks.

I honestly don't think he'd reappear in my life but IF he did, I want to be strong enough to say f**k off.

 

 

Is okay dear, don't beat yourself up too much. Everybody makes mistakes. Some of us on this forum have been in your situation. The solution is to learn from it and let it be a lesson.

[MidnightBlue1980]

One thing I want to clarify about the relationship with him is that we NEVER made any promises. We didn't even voice that we LOVED each other. I cared deeply about him and developed strong feelings for him, and sadly thought that it was the case for him too.

Also, up until the family crisis text, everything was just as the same. He didn't skip contacts, he didn't start acting weird or distant. There was no sign of ending, but it happened So abruptly.

That's the main reason of my confusion and devastation. But as someone said, guess I'm not worthy enough for him to give closure.

 

Someone said here once, "Closure is like vomit. It comes from within. And you have to do whatever you need to do to get it out"

 

Most of us have gone through something similar. I did so I know how you feel. For most of us, they resurface at some point when things settle down. You should write a letter to yourself about why you should not fall for whatever excuse he says and kick him to the curb. The only times I've heard of them literally disappearing and never coming back was when the AP put it on the line and said, don't come back. Otherwise, like a dead body, they float to the surface at some point.

[WisdomOverEmotion]

Be prepared for that text...

AP will usually come back, saying how they've missed you and how sorry they are. They can make you feel silly for worrying and wondering why they disappeared. Sometimes, they even blame you.

And they will continue doing it time and time again if you let it happen. Draw a line, have some self respect.

 

My xAP came back recently. Same thing happened as I've read millions of times on here. Guess what? He missed me, he was very sorry and he was only checking to "see how I am" not rekindle things. Pfft sure. I'm glad I'm in a better place where I finally told him it wasn't going to happen anymore.

 

The closure you crave is not always honest!

If you want closure, you have to shut the door yourself.

 

NC!

 

By responding because you want closure, indirectly or directly, how do you know it will be a genuine reason? Remember this person is very capable of lying. And cheaters usually avoid conflict by lying to make everything all better! Aw.

 

In my affair I never got closure. Every question and explanation I asked of him I didn't believe. As I knew he was a habitual liar. He was a escapist and avoid conflict at all times, especially with women.

 

I believe closure comes from within. It's called learning your lesson and moving on. I'm sure your intuition has already answered your questions for you anyway.

 

Don't expect the truth from a liar and a coward, which it seems he is appearing to be...

[deepdeepblue]

I gotta admit, seeing someone else calls him a coward and POS is quite refreshing...

I can see that now I will get over him little by little thanks to all of you. Knowing that there are other women out there who experienced the same is comforting, strange to say...

As for my marriage, we're trying to decide what's best for the family. My xAP has nothing to do with this. My husband I both did each other wrong....

 

P.S.

Closure is like vomit...... Lol I love it..

[deepdeepblue]

I don't know how many of you have read this thread I started but I just wanted to post an update.

 

My xMm reappeared in my life 2 days ago after he disappeared on me almost 2 months ago without any explanation, closure or warning!!

 

I was finally getting the point that I didn't think or care about him much, and now this!! I'm so upset.

 

Y'all are right!!! They almost always come back!!!

[HeCantBreakMe]

I don't know how many of you have read this thread I started but I just wanted to post an update.

 

My xMm reappeared in my life 2 days ago after he disappeared on me almost 2 months ago without any explanation, closure or warning!!

 

I was finally getting the point that I didn't think or care about him much, and now this!! I'm so upset.

 

Y'all are right!!! They almost always come back!!!

 

Yes, they do come back.

 

What was his reasoning for coming back?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't know how many of you have read this thread I started but I just wanted to post an update.

 

My xMm reappeared in my life 2 days ago after he disappeared on me almost 2 months ago without any explanation, closure or warning!!

 

I was finally getting the point that I didn't think or care about him much, and now this!! I'm so upset.

 

Y'all are right!!! They almost always come back!!!

 

Don't talk to him. If I could turn back time (sing it Cher) I would go NC in September 2015 the first time he vanished on me.

[Forever broken]

I don't know how many of you have read this thread I started but I just wanted to post an update.

 

My xMm reappeared in my life 2 days ago after he disappeared on me almost 2 months ago without any explanation, closure or warning!!

 

I was finally getting the point that I didn't think or care about him much, and now this!! I'm so upset.

 

Y'all are right!!! They almost always come back!!!

 

 

Remember how you felt when he disappeared without a trace. Do not let him sweet talk you. Do not spend any minute of your precious time on him.

 

Come on sing with me

 

I Will Survive

Gloria Gaynor

Lyrics

 

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along

And so you're back

From outer space

I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key

If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

Go on now, go, walk out the door

Just turn around now

'Cause you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

Do you think I'd crumble

Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no, not I, I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

And i have got all my love to give and I'll survive

I will survive.

 

 

 

You will survive.

[ChickiePops]

I don't know how many of you have read this thread I started but I just wanted to post an update.

 

My xMm reappeared in my life 2 days ago after he disappeared on me almost 2 months ago without any explanation, closure or warning!!

 

I was finally getting the point that I didn't think or care about him much, and now this!! I'm so upset.

 

Y'all are right!!! They almost always come back!!!

 

He probably had a DDay and his wife has started trusting him again so he feels like he could get away with it again.

 

What about your own marriage?

[deepdeepblue]

I'm not planning to respond to him.

 

Well, just like in his last text, his reasoning to disappear on me was "family crisis"

He gave me a detail this time, but any sort of explanation is not good enough to drop me cold and expect me to be ok.

He said he's not trying to get back with me but "just wanted to apologize. "

 

I blocked him. (he was already blocked on my phone, email, and facebook, but he sent me texts via app we used to use to communicate.)

 

His last text last night said "I'm erasing the app. You have my emails" Like I'm going to write him back. Very funny.

[deepdeepblue]

Oh, and I've been working on my marriage. My H and I did a lot of talking and so far, I think we are doing fine. I'm out of the affair fog and just want to move forward.

[Cyra]

I'm not planning to respond to him.

 

Well, just like in his last text, his reasoning to disappear on me was "family crisis"

He gave me a detail this time, but any sort of explanation is not good enough to drop me cold and expect me to be ok.

He said he's not trying to get back with me but "just wanted to apologize. "

 

I blocked him. (he was already blocked on my phone, email, and facebook, but he sent me texts via app we used to use to communicate.)

 

His last text last night said "I'm erasing the app. You have my emails" Like I'm going to write him back. Very funny.

 

He sounds like a knob!

Good on you for ignoring him

[HappyAgain2014]

Keep him blocked. If you don't, he will do this again. Every time an OW takes their MM back, he gets more power and has less respect for her.

 

It's that simple.