Kids of Divorce

[tiki]

Pulled from another thread....

 

Posted by MzPizie...

More women are leaving bad situations because they can manage on their own. That accounts for the rise in divorce and such.

 

Reply from Alphamale...

Very true MZ PIXIE....and what about the kids? There is a whole generation of screwed up children which will turn into screwed up adults which will then run the country down the tubes.

 

And from another thread...

boy...and we wonder why americans are so screwed up!

 

And my reply to him...

Yes, alpha. We do. And did you know that blended families are the largest majority of families now days? Isn't it so sad to see this go on?? I thought so too. I'm tired of it myself.

 

But you cannot forget that it's not a perfect world. This world is far from perfect. People make mistakes, marriages are made, marriages are broken. It happens every day. Doesn't make it right, but it happens all the time.

 

So alpha says that:

There is a whole generation of screwed up children which will turn into screwed up adults which will then run the country down the tubes

 

To which I disagree. There are more blended families each year, I'm not saying that's right. BUT IT HAPPENS. And it doesn't mean in my opinion that it's going to be a freaked up world. My parents divorced when I was two...and friggin good for them. I'd rather have them happy and separate than miserable and together ANY DAY.

 

If you're searching for perfection, you won't find it in this lifetime. We are a culture of want. We want uncommited sex, no rules to follow, adultery, drugs and our eight year olds in thongs. I hardly think the world is perfect, by any means.

 

A child of divorce doesn't always have to be a f*cked up child. Some can turn out normal, and by God, MINE WILL.

 

My exH and I work in harmony to take care of our son. We get told often by stangers and family members that we are so lucky to have the relationship that we do and how great it is that we work together for the child. We can set that aside. My son has the best of both worlds. A mom that loves him dearly, an awesome father, and a very loving step-father. I rest sassured that my child will turn out fine.

 

My H and his ex wife can't do that - that's their deal. My H respects my exH and wishes that he had a normal exW like I am a normal exW. With all the drama between them, YES, this child may be frigged up because of it.

 

But mine, he has a chance. Because his father and I give him a chance. We care too much about him to argue with our own petty things. It's like a business relationship. We're in the business of taking care of this little man. He will succeed. And he won't be some f*cked up kid like alpha is implying that most will be. I can do better than that.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by tiki

So alpha says that:

 

A child of divorce doesn't always have to be a f*cked up child. Some can turn out normal, and by God, MINE WILL.

The above "argument" or statement is repeated ad nauseum by divorced couples with children. They must justify their divorce and how it won't affect their kids. Well, TIKI, in reality it does and many times it negatively affects the children big time.

[tiki]

So would you dare to say that a child would be of more normal stature if he lived in a home where his mommy and daddy hated each other?

 

You don't have to stay married for kids. 50% of us have proven that.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by tiki

So would you dare to say that a child would be of more normal stature if he lived in a home where his mommy and daddy hated each other?

 

You don't have to stay married for kids. 50% of us have proven that.

 

I think that even couples that have happy marriages and stay married forever also produce screwed up children.

I don't believe you can draw a correlation between divorce versus marrried to which one produces the most screwed up kids

[alphamale]

Originally posted by tiki

So would you dare to say that a child would be of more normal stature if he lived in a home where his mommy and daddy hated each other?

Yes, I would. Having been a child myself i would rather have both my parents around even if they were at each other's throats than only having one parent around.

 

That whole argument about "oh yeah....its better to divorce than have kids grown up in that bad environment" is a total crock of shyt and used to justify divorces on a daily basis.

 

Problem is that most parents want to put the kids 1st but in actuality very few do. I have much more respect for a couple who stay together for the kids and live unhappily with their spouse than for a couple that divorces and potentially ruins their kids' lives.

 

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

I think that even couples that have happy marriages and stay married forever also produce screwed up children.

I don't believe you can draw a correlation between divorce versus marrried to which one produces the most screwed up kids

 

Agreed.

I have been through some f***ed up things in my life much more worse than a divorce and I turned out ok. I really think its the mindset of the child, when grown up and matured.

The mind of a child cannot be compared to the mind of an adult. When you get older your mind adjusts to the fact that your childhood was bad. At least mine did.

[VirginiaBob]

Despite how we try to justify divorce, if you have children:

 

Children from divorce are:

 

4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,

 

6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course),

24.3 times more likely to run away,

15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,

6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,

10.8 times more likely to commit rape,

6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,

15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.

 

and — compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married parents — children of divorce are:

 

33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical attention), and

73 times more likely to be killed.

[tiki]

Originally posted by alphamale

Having been a child myself i would rather have both my parents around even if they were at each other's throats than only having one parent around.

 

Who said one of the parents took off? Both usually play a part, alpha. My son has both parents. Just because you divorce, doesn't mean that the child doesn't see that person anymore.

 

Hey, I just remembered - you're divorced. What would've happened had the two of you reproduced?

[quankanne]

My exH and I work in harmony to take care of our son … We can set (differences) aside.

 

and that is where the two of you differ from many, many other estranged couples who don't take the high road and use their children as pawns in their battle with each other. There's no guarantee that any child in any situation will grow up not screwed up mentally, but when you've got two adults who agree to put their parenting first and differences last -- be they married or divorced -- that child's changes of having their head screwed on straight rises astronomically.

 

that's my two cents, based on what I've seen in among close friends and relatives who've are divorced with children ....

[tiki]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

Despite how we try to justify divorce, if you have children:

 

Children from divorce are:

 

4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,

 

6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course),

24.3 times more likely to run away,

15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,

6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,

10.8 times more likely to commit rape,

6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,

15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.

 

and — compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married parents — children who are in the care of single parents are:

 

33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical attention), and

73 times more likely to be killed.

 

Please cite your sources. I'm interested to see the info for myself.

[tiki]

Originally posted by quankanne

My exH and I work in harmony to take care of our son … We can set (differences) aside.

 

and that is where the two of you differ from many, many other estranged couples who don't take the high road and use their children as pawns in their battle with each other. There's no guarantee that any child in any situation will grow up not screwed up mentally, but when you've got two adults who agree to put their parenting first and differences last -- be they married or divorced -- that child's changes of having their head screwed on straight rises astronomically.

 

that's my two cents, based on what I've seen in among close friends and relatives who've are divorced with children ....

 

Thank you. I feel at peace for what I have given my son. It makes me uneasy to think that he could be frigged up from all of this. I know it's a possibility, yes....but not if I can help it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

Despite how we try to justify divorce, if you have children:

Children from divorce are:

 

4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,

6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course),

24.3 times more likely to run away,

15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,

6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,

10.8 times more likely to commit rape,

6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,

15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.

 

and — compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married parents — children of divorce are:

 

33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical attention), and

73 times more likely to be killed.

all i am saying is that kids of divorced parents will have a harder time, on average, than kids from a regular nuclear family.

[VirginiaBob]

[source: GROWING UP IN CANADA, National Longitudinal Survey of Children and Youth (Human Resources Development Canada, Statistics Canada, Catalogue no. 89-550-MPE, no.1, November 1996, p. 91) Available from StatCan. It is only available in hard copy. $25 +GST)]

[quankanne]

It makes me uneasy to think that he could be frigged up from all of this. I know it's a possibility, yes....but not if I can help it.

 

kids mimic their parents' attitudes and beliefs, so if they see mom and dad in a hurting situation like divorce still do their best to treat each other with respect, they'll consider that the standard of how to respond in relationships.

 

personal example: both my sisters divorced their husbands the same year. Each has two kids. Older sister would get mad at ex, would say crappy things about them, then tell the kids, "well, your father never wanted you" so now my niece and nephew can't stand either their dad (because of that lingering doubt introduced by mom) or my sister (because of the horrible crap she fed them).

 

other sister took a different approach. even though she was very, very hurt by what her husband did, she always told their boys that their dad loved them very much. She'd have to sometimes give him a wake-up call about how his behavior affected the boys, but for the most part, they worked in tandem in raising the boys. Any negative views they have of their parents come not from what one has said about the other, but from their own experiences, and believe me, it's typical "my parents don't treat me like the grown-up I am" kind of thing rather than what their cousins have gone through.

 

if DH and I were in a similar situation (divorced with kids), I'd do my best to follow the second sister's lead, because there's a sense of honor and integrity in how she handled things, even though she didn't like some of what was happening.

[VirginiaBob]

And one more tidbit:

 

children of divorce are 3 times more likely to be divorced during adulthood than children of parents who stayed married.

 

so basically, by getting divorced, you are not only screwing up your kids, but most likely, the entire future of your grandkids, great-grandkids, etc.

[tiki]

Yeah, my ex H and I put it all aside and actually get along superbly. I hope my son respects us for that, you know, in time...when he's older.

 

Thanks for your information, VB.

 

Between both of my biological parents, they've both remarried seven times. I've often wondered if it had an affect on me being so quick to divorce. But at some point, I have to take some responsibility for myself, as an adult. I can't blame it fully on them - and won't.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

so basically, by getting divorced, you are not only screwing up your kids, but most likely, the entire future of your grandkids, great-grandkids, etc.

 

Bull.. you are saying that a divorce has ramifications that can last thru generations.. I'm sorry that is just talk

[morrigan]

Originally posted by alphamale

Having been a child myself i would rather have both my parents around even if they were at each other's throats than only having one parent around.

 

There is a big difference between parents privately arguing and two adults screaming and beating eachother on a regular basis--in front of their children. I have no idea if you have personally experienced that, but it doesn't make for a stable home life. In such a situation, the children aren't emotionally scarred by the divorce, they've already been scarred by the violence they witnessed. It doesn't mean they all grow up to be addicts or criminals.

 

As far as the statistics, no one knows what the private situations were that caused the divorce, or the sad fact that some children have two lousy parents instead of just one.

 

If two people can amicably divorce, put their children first, and each independently be a good parent, the kids have a better chance.

[VirginiaBob]

"Bull.. you are saying that a divorce has ramifications that can last thru generations.. I'm sorry that is just talk"

 

huh? I stated my sources. Also, there are government and Family court studies done on this matter also that show similar result. How is this "Bull" and "just talk"?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

I think that you have to remember that it's not the act of getting a divorce and not having both parents around that does the most harm.

 

Alot of time it's the situations that lead up to the divorce that screw up the kids. ie: a husband beating his wife in front of the kids. She divorces him. The kids are screwed up. but not from the divorce itself.

[tiki]

Originally posted by morrigan

There is a big difference between parents privately arguing and two adults screaming and beating eachother on a regular basis--in front of their children. I have no idea if you have personally experienced that, but it doesn't make for a stable home life. In such a situation, the children aren't emotionally scarred by the divorce, they've already been scarred by the violence they witnessed. It doesn't mean they all grow up to be addicts or criminals.

 

As far as the statistics, no one knows what the private situations were that caused the divorce, or the sad fact that some children have two lousy parents instead of just one.

 

If two people can amicably divorce, put their children first, and each independently be a good parent, the kids have a better chance.

 

Thank you for your input. I agree. I think my son has a chance. He (hopefully) will be the exception. His father and I work too hard to make sure he's not anything less.

 

Alpha, you're from the north. Where I'm from, redneckville, we get grungy men in wifebeaters that beat their wives with anything relatively closeby. Maybe you haven't seen that aspect?

 

VB...I see your point. I can see how it could dwindle down.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

How is this "Bull" and "just talk"?

 

You have drawn the conclusion. your source does not mention anything about screwing up all future generations.. Those words are yours not your sources

[VirginiaBob]

"You have drawn the conclusion. your source does not mention anything about screwing up all future generations.. Those words are yours not your sources"

 

it's simply math:

 

your kids 3x more likely

the kids of your kids if they do divorce are 3x more likely

etc. etc.

[Merin]

First.. I will not argue that divorce is hard on Little People.. it is without question.

 

However, just like Tiki My EXH and I maintain a working/friendly relationship to do the right things for our Wee Peeps.. We do not speak ill of one another to or around our children, We both encourage and nurture the parent/child relationship each one of has with our Kiddo's, We share our Little Folks for all the holidays, I have maintained a very close relationship with my EXH's Mom, I've met and get along fine with my EXH's Girlfriend, he's met and gets along with my BF..

 

My BF and his EXW also have this sort of working/friendly relationship with one another for thier Wee Peeps..

While My BF and I are not married, nor is my EXH and his GF married we as adults realize and understand that it's up to us to make good choices and decisions based on whats good for all the Little People involved in our lives.

 

For the record as well, My Parents are still married have been forever.. My BF's Parents are still married and have been forever.. My EXH's Parents are NOT still married and have not been since he was very young, My BF's EXW's parents are not married and have not been since she was very young.. point being that it was stated that children of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves.. well in my case it was my decision to end my marriage not my EXH's and my parents are not divorced, and in my BF's case it was his EXW's decision to end the marriage and her parents are divorced..

[Skeered]

Ok as a child from a divorced home and now having a child and getting a divorce from a man that had his biological family his whole life I can honestly say that no case is cut and dry. Every situation will be different as we all know. I personally feel that in my situation I am the more grounded one in the relationship, my EX can't seem to stay off alcohol, out of jail, etc. I on the other hand have created a stable loving home for my daughter and each day am encouraging her to be strong in herself that divorce isn't right but that sometimes we marry for the wrong reasons and once we mature we realize that it's not a healthy environment.

 

My XH and I try to work together as far as our daughter is concerned and no sometimes we don't always see eye to eye. But we are all adjusting and learning how to create a safe and secure environment for her.

 

To say that children of divorced homes are more likely to sucome to bad decisions and choices in their life maybe has some merit depending on how the child was raised...if a child regardless of marital status of their parents feels love, security, is encouraged to create their own identity and feel safe in speakin FREELY to both parents, I think any child needs this, they will become strong individuals later.

 

I fought tooth and nail to stay in my marriage, tried every outlet for help however with my home being unsafe and unhealthy for a child to be in my choice was to get out and give her a chance at a new life. She does have moments of hurt that we get through day by day. I have a new man in my life that loves me tremendously and loves my daughter as if she were his own and I have seen a huge change in her outlook and distrust in men. Life is what we make it and life is choices...we as parents of these incredible kids help our children make the right choices and decisions. We guide them down the right paths...just because children come from divorced homes doesn't mean they don't have the same chances as children from non-divorced homes it may just take a little more direction.