My wife isn't over her ex

[aarai]

I'm 35 and my wife is 30, we've been together for 5 years, married for 2. Before we met my wife dated a man from about age 15-24, they knew each other from birth and grew up as best friends. I don't know much about their relationship or why the broke up, we don't talk about that. Maybe I was the re-bound, who knows.

 

She doesn't talk to him anymore, they haven't talked in 4-5 years. She told him she was seeing me and he stopped communication all together; jealousy. I didn't think much of it, until I started noting things a year ago.

 

I was using her computer and she has tons of videos of him and her saved, and recently watched. He has a YouTube page and she's subscribed and watches all of his videos (he has 500K subscribers but it's not related to anything she is interested in - other than him). I checked her Facebook, but they aren't friends (he removed her when we starting seeing each other). She has however been looking up his name because it shows up in recent searches, so she is viewing his profile. When they got together 15 years ago she learned his mother tongue, and she has maintained it and is fluent in it. Some would say that's great and beneficial. In this country, it is not and unless she plans to go to one European country it will never be useful. She also teaches our son words in that language, along with English and French.

 

And lastly, she gets very awkward bringing him up. If I'm talking and something about my ex's comes up, whatever it's not a big deal and there are no emotions there. I can mention things that we did, etc. Her... no. She'll start to say something then get quiet, or say "a person I was with", etc. The conversation gets awkward fast because of how she acts.

 

As far as I can tell, they have no contact at all.

 

She doesn't know how much I know and I haven't talked to her about it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. On one hand, she isn't cheating they aren't even talking, but she is obsessing over him.

[BluesPower]

Yes this is not good. You are going to have to talk to her for sure.

 

Good news is you only have 5 years invested in the relationship. It is a good chunk of time, but it is not the end of the world if you have to end it.

 

Is there no why that they could have gotten together? He is in a distant city, or something like that? It makes a difference on how you handle the situation.

 

So, if you are sure that she is not getting together with him and cheating, there is probably no reason to do anymore detective work about the situation. Then I would sit her down and ask her if she sill wants to be married to you. If yes, the let her know that her obsessing over her ex is an issue that will end the marriage if she cannot get over it. And, then you guys should probably start marriage counseling.

 

If you are not sure that she is not sleeping around, you may want to try and find out more. The you can decide, based on your findings, whether you want to try to save the marriage or just divorce her ASAP.

 

What she is doing is a sign, possibly, that there are some real issues in your current marriage. Either way, her pining away for her ex is not compatible with your current marriage.

 

You really have to deal with this situation right now, or you could just cut her loose and start with a new woman.

 

Good luck...

[Alamo657]

She told him she was seeing me and he stopped communication all together;

Maybe she was, at the time, trying to manipulate him to make him come back but it produced the opposite effect ?

 

And lastly, she gets very awkward bringing him up. If I'm talking and something about my ex's comes up, whatever it's not a big deal and there are no emotions there. I can mention things that we did, etc. Her... no. She'll start to say something then get quiet, or say "a person I was with", etc. The conversation gets awkward fast because of how she acts.

That's a red flag. She's uncomfortable talking about him because there are unresolved feelings.

 

As far as I can tell, they have no contact at all.

And they probably don't.

 

My point of view :

- she is not getting her needs fulfilled in her marriage with you and is looking for escapism, memories of youth, of bright futures that never were

- she is emotionally getting (or already is by the sound of it) distant with you

- you shouldn't be afraid of "this guy" in particular, he is just a catalyst for deeper problems between you and her

- don't talk to her about "this guy" or her past, because that's not the problem, the problem is in the present, and from her point of view, in the future.

 

You need to reconnect with your wife in the present, and for the future, not dig about that past.

[CupCakess]

My point of view :

- she is not getting her needs fulfilled in her marriage with you and is looking for escapism, memories of youth, of bright futures that never were

- she is emotionally getting (or already is by the sound of it) distant with you

 

I would normally agree with this, however, it all goes back to why the past relationship ended in the first place.

 

We don't know for how long she's been online stalking her ex. Maybe this has been going on for years, and the OP just recently realised this.

 

Personally I think she had feelings for her ex all along.

Edited September 24, 2016 by CupCakess

[Friskyone4u]

She hasn't met or contacted him yet????

 

You SURE about that???

 

And it sure sounds like all it wold take is him reaching out to meet her and she would jump at the chance.

 

I would not say anything yet but I sure would be looking for other red flags, like wanting to take a trip overnight alone or with "girlfriends".

 

What she is doing is not NORMAL BEHAVIOR.

[Gemma1]

What is the language, just curious?

[Cephalopod]

I know I would not want to be with someone who looked at me as the consolation prize.

[Marc878]

It's a problem now but will get worse.

 

Perhaps you should end this before you get too much time invested or children involved.

 

You can't control her or her feelings but why stay in this?

[Just a Guy]

Hi aarai, from your post it is not clear as to where you are located.Where does your wife's ex belong to, what is his language and what is your's and that of your wife? What were the circumstances in which you two met and what was your dating period like? Did she ever display a yearning for her ex? When you two got together initially did she talk at all about her ex and if so, did you notice regret and a yearning in her voice and in how she behaved with you? Was your son born before you got married or soon after since you say you got married two years ago and she is already trying to teach him some words of her ex's language?

 

I am sorry to be asking so many questions but unless I can establish a perspective about your situation I would not be able to say anything much about it. One thing does stand out clearly. Your situation is not a healthy one. Your wife should not be so invested in her ex. The other thing is that whatever may happen you have to face this situation head on. You cannot be walking on egg shells about this matter. Whether your wife likes to talk about her ex or not, you will have to initiate a conversation about it and maybe ask her bluntly whether she would rather be with him than you. I say this because this thing will eat you up and will also build up in her mind till she will not be able to contain herself.

 

I have to ask you what is the state of your marriage? Do you feel it is good, does she love you unreservedly or is her ex always present like the proverbial elephant in the room in whatever you do? I think it is completely unfair of her to have ensnared you in a relationship like this one, when she was so fixated on her ex. If she latched on to you and then used you as a tool to try and make her ex jealous, which then backfired on her, then it is patently unfair to you and your marriage and I think both of you are living in a bubble. I guess you will have to shed a lot of light on your situation if you want honest answers from the good folk on this forum. Warm wishes.

Edited September 26, 2016 by Just a Guy
Errors in spellings.