Finding myself in a tight spot [update: no desire for wife]

[stillafool]

What? What is bizarre if I want to escape from this position with a new job where she has no way to contact me?

 

But you ache for her and had sex with her. Why aren't you going to leave your wife for her? Why do you want to move away from her? Just pray that your other woman isn't pregnant.

Edited September 25, 2016 by stillafool

[kiyoma]

Do you love your wife?

 

No, right now I don't. I used to. But not now. In the future maybe?

 

I will give you a day to day of our lives. I get up at 5:30am. I make myself breakfast, get ready for office and leave by 7am. My office starts at 8am. My wife gets up at 6:30am. In those half an hour, I am either in the bathroom or eating. My wife office starts at 9:30.

 

I get home by 5:30pm. I take a nap. My wife return by 7:30pm. I get up when she returns. Instead of taking the time to say a few words, she immediately turns on the TV and gets hooked to whatever drama crap that is playing on. I start doing some chores. She also does them WHILE WATCHING TV. I'm sometimes amazed at her finger muscle conditioning - her eyes are glued to the TV and her fingers are peeling potatoes or cutting vegetables. How in the hell she never cuts her finger?

 

If I try to start a conversation, her immediate reaction is to feel irritated. For example, few days ago I noticed something interesting on the paper. I started to have a talk about that. After badgering her for sometime, she puts the TV on the mute (but doesn't shut it off) and talks. When she hears what I say her immediate reaction "Can't you tell this tomorrow? You know I won't be able to watch the repeat telecast in the morning?"

 

This goes on till 10 o'clock. After that either she makes the call or her friend calls and they start gossiping about the latest episode. And thats it. She talks on the phone. I have my dinner. And I go to bed

 

Repeat again the next day till the weekend.

 

And yes, we do have some sex on Fridays and Saturdays but she never initiates.

[kiyoma]

And this was just our day to day that doesn't help in generating any love for her. I have to give a whole history about what has been our pattern since our couple days that has put us in this stalemate.

[BluesPower]

Yeah, if that is how it is, you need to file for divorce. She has no interest in you.

 

That is not life, that is existence.

 

How in the world did it ever get that bad..

 

Let me give you and example, I am 52, my wife is 50. Now we have been through some bad stuff for a long time, so maybe we are on a high. Anyway, we make love almost every day unless we cannot find time, and on sat and sun we play sex days. Maybe we get a room somewhere, make love, go eat, go to the pool, make love, on and on.

 

Really why are you staying in something like that?

[MidnightBlue1980]

No, right now I don't. I used to. But not now. In the future maybe?

 

I will give you a day to day of our lives. I get up at 5:30am. I make myself breakfast, get ready for office and leave by 7am. My office starts at 8am. My wife gets up at 6:30am. In those half an hour, I am either in the bathroom or eating. My wife office starts at 9:30.

 

I get home by 5:30pm. I take a nap. My wife return by 7:30pm. I get up when she returns. Instead of taking the time to say a few words, she immediately turns on the TV and gets hooked to whatever drama crap that is playing on. I start doing some chores. She also does them WHILE WATCHING TV. I'm sometimes amazed at her finger muscle conditioning - her eyes are glued to the TV and her fingers are peeling potatoes or cutting vegetables. How in the hell she never cuts her finger?

 

If I try to start a conversation, her immediate reaction is to feel irritated. For example, few days ago I noticed something interesting on the paper. I started to have a talk about that. After badgering her for sometime, she puts the TV on the mute (but doesn't shut it off) and talks. When she hears what I say her immediate reaction "Can't you tell this tomorrow? You know I won't be able to watch the repeat telecast in the morning?"

 

This goes on till 10 o'clock. After that either she makes the call or her friend calls and they start gossiping about the latest episode. And thats it. She talks on the phone. I have my dinner. And I go to bed

 

Repeat again the next day till the weekend.

 

And yes, we do have some sex on Fridays and Saturdays but she never initiates.

 

I mean, that is kinda life. Just wait till you add kids. Unless you stay single and just have fun weekend dates, this is life as a lot of people know it. I would not necessarily end a marriage without talking to her seriously about it because you are going to find yourself in a similar position in the next relationship, once it gets settled.

 

TV is seriously the death of marriage. As is kids. As is Facebook. I can tell you you described my life until we almost divorced, things are better now. But you need to speak up.

[aileD]

Have you ever tried talking to your wife about this?

 

You need to give her a fair warning and chance to change things before you just give up on your vows and marriage and promises you made to her. Give her a chance to turn it around and reconnect.

 

Sometimes just the words and suggestion of separation will snap people out of their take-things-for-granted life.

 

You don't love this AP. You're just getting from her what is missing with your wife. Any woman in the world that could provide that, you would fall for because you are desperate for it.

 

Try bei open and seeking it out in your marriage first. What you said about what you would be giving up to be with AP and the possible resentment down the line for how things went down is a real thing.

 

Your marriage might be repaired and you might end it depending on how things go, but that should be an decision made only between you and wife, not involving anyone else.

 

Then if you go....you go with no guilt, knowing you gave your all in honesty and it just wasn't meant to be. Your next relationship will be more fulfilling and you won't have to worry about resentment.

 

Your wife sounds depressed. I would look into that as well.

 

Just do things right. Either way. It will do so much for your peace of mind. And it will also do the least damage to all those involved.

 

I'm sorry if my original post to you was harsh, thank you for further explaining.

Edited September 25, 2016 by aileD

[Miss Clavel]

I actually do.

 

But I need to have a career too. I cannot have it tarnished or my reputation. So I have to find a way to get out of this unscathed.

 

So if you want to utter morality please stary out of my post.

 

go to your boss and ask his advice. tell him what you told us. that you made a mistake. you jumped the gun. that you are going to either leave your job and stay married or you are going to leave your job and your marriage. or, with his help you are gonna stay in your job and stay in your marriage.

 

then go home and tell your wife that you are leaving your job, that you have another job somewhere else and that she is staying behind, you and she are leaving together, you are staying at your job and you and she are going to counseling. while there, tell her you cheated with a coworker. hell, she might make these pesky decisions for you. i know i would.

[kiyoma]

go to your boss and ask his advice. tell him what you told us. that you made a mistake. you jumped the gun. that you are going to either leave your job and stay married or you are going to leave your job and your marriage. or, with his help you are gonna stay in your job and stay in your marriage.

 

then go home and tell your wife that you are leaving your job, that you have another job somewhere else and that she is staying behind, you and she are leaving together, you are staying at your job and you and she are going to counseling. while there, tell her you cheated with a coworker. hell, she might make these pesky decisions for you. i know i would.

 

You're weird

[kiyoma]

TV is seriously the death of marriage. As is kids. As is Facebook. I can tell you you described my life until we almost divorced, things are better now. But you need to speak up.

 

Talking about this is so helpful.

 

Even the sex is creepy (and I'm the creep). What happens is on Fridays or Saturdays I wait for her to come to bed. Then when the lights are turned off, I start rubbing her arms. Then I get closer to her. And so on...

 

But when I think about it afterwards its so creepy! My carnal desires take over (and maybe hers too, otherwise why would she engage in it? Who knows) and we do it.

 

The only positive thing is that she doesn't reject me explicitly. It seems that she is not repulsed by me. I heard that women are very finnicky about sex. When they don't fancy the man in their house, they avoid his touch at all costs. Between me and her, if there are 10 Friday and Saturday in a month, she agrees to 6-7 times. Even when she rejects its not explicitly, just a soft "Not tonight. I'm not feeling well" and I take my hand off of her.

[kiyoma]

Really why are you staying in something like that?

 

Bought this apartment together. Can't afford the loss if we separate and sell it. Plus insurances together, a joint account through which the insurance is paid. Families.

[eye of the storm]

Kiyoma, Im not going to bash you about the A. I am going to ask you why you can't take a day off work and you and your wife talk. Be completely honest and tell her that your home life is not making you happy. She may be miserable too. You both may look at each other and be relieved it is all out in the open. That way you can both make a decision to end it peacefully or work on what is going on.

 

But do not lay this all on her doorstep. You are equally responsible for the state your marriage is in.

 

My POV. My exH would tell you the same basic schedule you told. He would tell you it was all my fault. He was wrong. And I bet you are too. I avoided him because he was so miserable, it was draining. I avoided him to save what scraps of sanity I had left. Why I didn't leave....in my mind it wasn't an option. There was no moment where I said this can't be tolerated anymore, it was just daily drudge. I honestly thought everyone lived like that. We were both desperately unhappy. I would have been grateful if he had come to me and admitted he was unhappy too, then we could have discussed it and maybe divorced with much less rancor.

 

Your marriage is a drudge. Talk to her. Take responsibility for your portion and you have 50% of the blame for letting it get to that point. And decide, with the woman you loved enough to marry, to either fix (or try to fix) the issues or with peace and love end it. And I'm not even going to demand you tell her you cheated.

 

If you do that, you may get out of this situation with your reputation undamaged.

[kiyoma]

Your wife sounds depressed. I would look into that as well.

 

I'm sorry if my original post to you was harsh, thank you for further explaining.

 

Its ok. Reading back I can see why it would look such a selfish post. I mean I read some posts here and I literally feel a gut punch in my stomach with what I read.

 

But the thing is, I'm not telling all of this to paint my wife in a bad light. Neither I'm saying this change happened in isolation - like someday she came home and got hooked on the TV. We have been married for almost 3.5 years. There were so many arguments and silent for the next few days and then when we started talking we did not go back to what we argued about. Resentments in both of us - she threw away the coffee I made for the first time, I retaliated one day by throwing away the food she cooked, she didn't cook for me a week, I felt so much resentment when I had to apologize just for my very basic physical need. Then to prevent losing my position ever again, I learnt cooking from one of my female friends so that I would never again have to look towards her for food. She disliking this female friend of my mine who I have known since Class II (nothing romantic there, she is solidly married and her H is a very good pal of mine), I not liking her friend. She creating a scene on the road causing me embarrassment, I pointing something I didn't like she did, she not liking the gift I brought for a couples friend, I not attending that couple friends party in resentment, and so on.

 

Neither of us know how to say sorry being only child of our parents - both being spoiled. And then ignoring each other days after argument.

 

The newspaper conversation I told about, I did not argue with her anymore. Just left it. It was easier that way. Infact we haven't argued in over 4 months.

 

So talking to her is not easy.

[eye of the storm]

Bought this apartment together. Can't afford the loss if we separate and sell it. Plus insurances together, a joint account through which the insurance is paid. Families.

 

If she finds out you cheated, you will lose more then an apartment and joint accounts and even your own family will be upset with you.

 

You can afford to take the loss. And families will get over a divorce. Joint accounts can be transferred to just one person. And insurance can be taken out of a different account.

 

A nasty divorce will cost way more than just money. Talk to her. Try to end this with peace.

[eye of the storm]

So talking to her is not easy.

 

Just look at her and out of the blue say, are you miserable in this marriage. And then listen.

 

You are both attacking the person that is supposed to be your shield.

 

This is not going to improve without you both admitting your part and deciding to work on it. If either of those things don't happen, then the marriage will just get more and more bitter until you both hate each other with a passion.

[kiyoma]

We are not miserable people in an individual sense. If I was giving that impression forget about it We both have well built social circles, we get invited to parties, we go together. We go out together for outings. This social interactions gets triggered on the weekends. But come Sunday night, the cycle starts which I was telling about.

[kiyoma]

Let me give you and example, I am 52, my wife is 50. Now we have been through some bad stuff for a long time, so maybe we are on a high. Anyway, we make love almost every day unless we cannot find time, and on sat and sun we play sex days. Maybe we get a room somewhere, make love, go eat, go to the pool, make love, on and on

 

Awesome mate High five!

[eye of the storm]

I am not a miserable person either. A lot of people even think I am an optimist. But I was miserable inside my marriage. It sounds like you and your wife are too. I am so much happier since my D. And so is my exH.

[S2B]

No, right now I don't. I used to. But not now. In the future maybe?

 

I will give you a day to day of our lives. I get up at 5:30am. I make myself breakfast, get ready for office and leave by 7am. My office starts at 8am. My wife gets up at 6:30am. In those half an hour, I am either in the bathroom or eating. My wife office starts at 9:30.

 

I get home by 5:30pm. I take a nap. My wife return by 7:30pm. I get up when she returns. Instead of taking the time to say a few words, she immediately turns on the TV and gets hooked to whatever drama crap that is playing on. I start doing some chores. She also does them WHILE WATCHING TV. I'm sometimes amazed at her finger muscle conditioning - her eyes are glued to the TV and her fingers are peeling potatoes or cutting vegetables. How in the hell she never cuts her finger?

 

If I try to start a conversation, her immediate reaction is to feel irritated. For example, few days ago I noticed something interesting on the paper. I started to have a talk about that. After badgering her for sometime, she puts the TV on the mute (but doesn't shut it off) and talks. When she hears what I say her immediate reaction "Can't you tell this tomorrow? You know I won't be able to watch the repeat telecast in the morning?"

 

This goes on till 10 o'clock. After that either she makes the call or her friend calls and they start gossiping about the latest episode. And thats it. She talks on the phone. I have my dinner. And I go to bed

 

Repeat again the next day till the weekend.

 

And yes, we do have some sex on Fridays and Saturdays but she never initiates.

 

Looks like you are shut out of your wife's life. No connecting. No intimacy.

 

Why don't you just divorce her? You won't be happy with this daily lifestyle for 40 more years.

[wmacbride]

Yeah, if that is how it is, you need to file for divorce. She has no interest in you.

 

That is not life, that is existence.

 

How in the world did it ever get that bad..

 

Let me give you and example, I am 52, my wife is 50. Now we have been through some bad stuff for a long time, so maybe we are on a high. Anyway, we make love almost every day unless we cannot find time, and on sat and sun we play sex days. Maybe we get a room somewhere, make love, go eat, go to the pool, make love, on and on.

 

Really why are you staying in something like that?

 

No offense, but you are only hearing his side of it. I wonder what his wife's side would be? How would she see his behvaior if she was aksed?

 

I fully expect a very different perspective would be given, as is also most always the case in these situations.

[wmacbride]

Its ok. Reading back I can see why it would look such a selfish post. I mean I read some posts here and I literally feel a gut punch in my stomach with what I read.

 

But the thing is, I'm not telling all of this to paint my wife in a bad light. Neither I'm saying this change happened in isolation - like someday she came home and got hooked on the TV. We have been married for almost 3.5 years. There were so many arguments and silent for the next few days and then when we started talking we did not go back to what we argued about. Resentments in both of us - she threw away the coffee I made for the first time, I retaliated one day by throwing away the food she cooked, she didn't cook for me a week, I felt so much resentment when I had to apologize just for my very basic physical need. Then to prevent losing my position ever again, I learnt cooking from one of my female friends so that I would never again have to look towards her for food. She disliking this female friend of my mine who I have known since Class II (nothing romantic there, she is solidly married and her H is a very good pal of mine), I not liking her friend. She creating a scene on the road causing me embarrassment, I pointing something I didn't like she did, she not liking the gift I brought for a couples friend, I not attending that couple friends party in resentment, and so on.

 

Neither of us know how to say sorry being only child of our parents - both being spoiled. And then ignoring each other days after argument.

 

The newspaper conversation I told about, I did not argue with her anymore. Just left it. It was easier that way. Infact we haven't argued in over 4 months.

 

So talking to her is not easy.

 

You are beginning to be more honest in this post, and the state of your marriage is on both of you.

Why do you feel the need to retaliate two times as strongly at slights/ For example, you mention your wife didn't like the coffee you made so she dumped it, which caused you to throw away the food she made, regardless of what it was like?

Come on, that's what a child does, and you are no child.

 

In all honesty, you and your wife could use some marriage counseling to sort out why you both act the way you do. Even if you decide to divorce, i will strongly suggest that you get some counseling for yourself so you can learn better ways of behaving towards a rleationship partner.

Edited September 26, 2016 by wmacbride

[S2B]

Why don't you make dinner every night instead of taking a nap?

[kiyoma]

Again another workday and she approaches me. We start to talk. I wanted to say to her I am married and we can't continue this anymore. Everytime I opened the mouth to utter the words, it just wouldn't come out. After giving me a quizzical look, she gave me that wonderful smile of hers and said "Weirdo!" and slapped me on the chest.

 

And that was it. Business as usual. Shop is still open.

[kiyoma]

Since our sexual encounter, we are continuing the EA as we did previously. But one thing is bothering me. I said I made the decision to not have sex with her again. And honest to God, I have not made another suggestion, neither did I bring up what happened that one time.

 

But I am really feeling confused that she hasn't brought it up either. No talk about a future together. Just usual our shared interest talks. I thought sex was a pretty big deals to the girls. Once they share themselves like that with a man, they see a future with him (I know I know, ONS and sexual release encounters are different. But this was emotional between the 2 of us).

 

So what is the reason she is not bringing it up? She actually doesn't see a future me being married and wised up OR that I was really bad in sex?

 

P.S.- Don't make joke about my "deficiency"

[eye of the storm]

Since our sexual encounter, we are continuing the EA as we did previously. But one thing is bothering me. I said I made the decision to not have sex with her again. And honest to God, I have not made another suggestion, neither did I bring up what happened that one time.

 

But I am really feeling confused that she hasn't brought it up either. No talk about a future together. Just usual our shared interest talks. I thought sex was a pretty big deals to the girls. Once they share themselves like that with a man, they see a future with him (I know I know, ONS and sexual release encounters are different. But this was emotional between the 2 of us).

 

So what is the reason she is not bringing it up? She actually doesn't see a future me being married and wised up OR that I was really bad in sex?

 

P.S.- Don't make joke about my "deficiency"

 

So...you don't want to have sex with her anymore, but you are upset that she isn't trying to have sex with you anymore either. SMH

 

You want her to be upset the sex was cut off to show you mean more to her than she means to you.

 

The fact that she isn't, has freaked you out to the point where you are going to try to have sex with her again just to make sure you "hooked" her. Because she must suffer to show how amazing you are. I really wish ere was an eye roll emojie on here.

[VeveCakes]

Since our sexual encounter, we are continuing the EA as we did previously. But one thing is bothering me. I said I made the decision to not have sex with her again. And honest to God, I have not made another suggestion, neither did I bring up what happened that one time.

 

But I am really feeling confused that she hasn't brought it up either. No talk about a future together. Just usual our shared interest talks. I thought sex was a pretty big deals to the girls. Once they share themselves like that with a man, they see a future with him (I know I know, ONS and sexual release encounters are different. But this was emotional between the 2 of us).

 

So what is the reason she is not bringing it up? She actually doesn't see a future me being married and wised up OR that I was really bad in sex?

 

P.S.- Don't make joke about my "deficiency"

 

OMG get OVER YOURSELF!

 

Who cares...you're married...leave her alone.