Finding myself in a tight spot [update: no desire for wife]

[wmacbride]

As I said you won't understand. I know the names of my 6 direct ancestor. And there will be no one to carry the bloodline forward.

 

Oh for pete;s sake.

Stop acting like a martyr whoso trapped and has no choice but to cheat.

 

Quite frankly,you have no concerns about hurting your wife,otherwise,you wouldn't be cheating. I think you're are concerned about what people will think of you if you divorce,and that's driving your actions.

 

btw,your wife not being able to have children is not any sort of excuse for cheating,as unless you plan on having a child with an ow, it does nothing to allow you to "pass on your bloodline". If that was really your concern,you'd be looking into IVF treatments or a surrogate,not someone to have an affair with.

[heartwhole]

We're just a bunch of strangers on the internet, of course, but you can't explain that you've cheated guilt-free on your wife and that you spent a week throwing out her dinners for revenge over not liking your coffee, and then expect us to believe that you are motivated by your conscience and selfless concern for her.

[kiyoma]

I should have never talked to my wife. Things as it was were well functioning. Now she is finding issues and starting fights again...

 

And its completely my fault. I opened this pandora's box. The affair was over. I wanted to get back to my previous life. But I became greedy for a better marriage and now these troubles have started again

[Grapesofwrath]

As others have said, your wife's infertility does not have to mean you cannot have children. If your "bloodline" is that crucial to you, then discuss this with your wife. Perhaps you can use a surrogate to create a biological child that can be raised by you and your wife. It does not appear you are open to these kinds of suggestions, however, so you chose the easy way out, which was to cheat on her. If you think it would hurt your wife to have you divorce her for her infertility, imagine how awful she would feel knowing you had sex with another woman, a fertile woman, who could become pregnant with your child.

 

You have many excuses and rationalizations why our advise won't work, yet make no suggestions yourself for how to move forward. What do you think you should do?

Edited November 10, 2016 by Grapesofwrath

[BTDT2012]

You are not doing your wife any favors. It seems that deep down you blame her for not being able to have children. And whether you want to admit it or no, you probably began treating her differently once she got her infertility diagnosis.

[kiyoma]

I deliberately not responded to any surrogate or IVF suggestion. Actually, I'm not from Western Europe or North America. The surrogacy laws are simply to say strict and very hassling. Even the adoption process is a long red tape that requires "character vouches" from 2 neighbours. In a day an age, when even in my country people to people social fabric has degenerated to the point where we barely know the names of our neighbours, yet these archaic laws are still waiting to catch up with modern times.

[kiyoma]

You have many excuses and rationalizations why our advise won't work, yet make no suggestions yourself for how to move forward. What do you think you should do?

 

Truthfully I thought things were progressing well. But no. I was searching for an MC. But I don't know how will it help any more.

 

And get this,

 

My cooking is not good because I was taught by " "her" (my friend, not AP).

 

So going by my new rule of asking her why she feels that my cooking is bad. Her answer "because my friend taught me, what better she can teach when her own cooking is ****!" Not because I have mixed wrong ingredients or burnt it or whatever. But because of my friend.

 

Thanks darling for thinking like this about someone who graciously invited you to dinner at her house and has always tried to befriend you! When has that snake friend of yours ever done that? So throw my cooked food away, thats always been your modus operandi!

[Grapesofwrath]

Kiyoma: I'm not sure where you are from, and I get the feeling that I am missing a crucial piece here. The type of advise you will receive from this forum is strongly influenced by culture and background. Would you be willing to share a bit more about this?

 

Also, I have had some training as a marital counselor. Limited, to be sure, but some graduate school coursework years ago. During those classes I learned that the number one indicator of future divorce is when a couple no longer can empathize with each other. Do you have empathy for your wife? Does she for you? If no on both counts, then the likelihood of marital success and happiness is quite slim.

[ChickiePops]

Truthfully I thought things were progressing well. But no. I was searching for an MC. But I don't know how will it help any more.

 

And get this,

 

My cooking is not good because I was taught by " "her" (my friend, not AP).

 

So going by my new rule of asking her why she feels that my cooking is bad. Her answer "because my friend taught me, what better she can teach when her own cooking is ****!" Not because I have mixed wrong ingredients or burnt it or whatever. But because of my friend.

 

Thanks darling for thinking like this about someone who graciously invited you to dinner at her house and has always tried to befriend you! When has that snake friend of yours ever done that? So throw my cooked food away, thats always been your modus operandi!

 

You're both extraordinarily immature. Here's an idea: why don't you both just cook your own meals? That way nobody can throw a temper tantrum when the other person throws their cooked food away!

[kiyoma]

I know its a hard question but I would really like some answers:

 

Did waywards had sex with their spouse during their A? I can't feel anything for my wife anymore. Its dead completely. They say men cheat for sex. But I can't get turned on for my W. Nothing.

 

My wife has not noticed it because this complete lack of desire is only a few weeks old and previously she never initiated. So I don't think this lack of intimacy is bothering her. But has anyone gone through anything like this when they were in A?

[Tread Carefully]

Yep, my exH didn't want me when he was in his affair. I initiated, I tried to seduce, everything. I had no idea why I kept getting rejected. He blamed it on low testosterone when in reality he was in love with someone else. The months and months of rejection hurt so freaking bad. It takes such a toll on so many aspects of your life. And then dday and trickle truth.

 

You know, I told him that I could forgive and reconcile if he had just been giving her his penis but he also gave her part of his heart. I couldn't deal with that (and never knowing the entire truth) and THAT is why he is now my EXH.

 

You need to make a decision and pick one of your relationships. Tell them both about each other and let them decide what to do with their lives from there. It's the kindest thing to do even though it might not seem like it to you.

[RecentChange]

So I am guessing that you are emotionally involved in this affair - or is it guilt that is killing your libido?

 

Me? I had a physical affair, and it sent my libido into over drive. I was constantly hounding my husband for sex. And badgering the other man for more..... Oy

[gettingstronger]

We've never not had sex-

[BetrayedH]

My wayward wife had more sex with me during her affair than prior. About 8x as much, in fact.

 

She said she didn't think it was fair to deprive me of a sex life when she was getting hers elsewhere.

 

It definitely disarmed me. I thought we had finally turned a corner in our marriage. Apparently I was right, just not the corner I thought.

[WilyWill]

While you may not be attracted to her, you still owe her the respect to be honest. Divorce her so that she can find a man who will love her as a wife.

[aileD]

You're not attracted to her because you've got ms perfect fantasy on the side.

 

Pick one.

 

My husband's line recently: Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it and it won't be what you thought you wanted

[carhill]

 

Did waywards had sex with their spouse during their A? I can't feel anything for my wife anymore. Its dead completely. They say men cheat for sex. But I can't get turned on for my W. Nothing.

 

I can identify with what you're stating about losing that lovin' feeling but, TBH, after many years of marriage, my exW had taught me a lot about disconnecting emotions from sex and yeah, we still went at it right up until we split up. However, there were times when my mind was elsewhere.

 

My wife has not noticed it because this complete lack of desire is only a few weeks old and previously she never initiated.

IMO, I wouldn't presume what she has or has not noticed. Spouses are generally pretty in tune with what's going on, presuming they have consistent contact.

So I don't think this lack of intimacy is bothering her. But has anyone gone through anything like this when they were in A?

 

Only way to know is to ask her and compare her response with your historical memories of her behavioral pattern. If you're not disclosed, and having a secret A, I can't really offer any advice. Mine wasn't like that. In general though, unless you like limbo, I'd make a decision and move forward. I did, hope both ladies have done well in life and am glad to be rid of both, now some seven years down the road. That moving forward thing, as well as clarifying the priorities, were among the tools learned in MC while in the milieu. Opinion varies on MC but it helped me a lot. Good luck!

[kiyoma]

So I am guessing that you are emotionally involved in this affair - or is it guilt that is killing your libido?

 

Me? I had a physical affair, and it sent my libido into over drive. I was constantly hounding my husband for sex. And badgering the other man for more..... Oy

 

Yes, emotionally. I don't know if that is quite true for her because ours is a fairly young relationship. While neither of us have talked about moving in together, then again neither of us wants to let go. Our affair is even not that sexual. Maybe 2 or 3 times a month. This unsurity about where I stand is I can't fully commit to her.

 

And its not guilt. Yes, I should be feeling guilt. But what I feel is like me and W are post-puberty brother and sister living in a house together. Just not possible to fancy her as just not possible to fancy your sister. But I love her just as I would have loved my sister.

[kiyoma]

You're not attracted to her because you've got ms perfect fantasy on the side.

 

Pick one.

 

My husband's line recently: Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it and it won't be what you thought you wanted

 

For the first time since all of this started I am scared. Scared and in limbo. The occassional sex was the last vestige of our married life and its gone now. Yet I am afraid to let her go. We have a long since together in our young life of 28. We were not each other's first. 2nd. Together since school. We've had multiple break ups, new relationships, those break ups, reached out to each other, restarted. We were once 2yrs, 4 months apart between the age of 20-22.

 

But this time its not a breakup. A divorce is not a breakup.

[ShatteredLady]

Just be very careful that you're not one of 'those' men who's going to be a sobbing puddle on the floor by your wife's feet when she finds out & dumps you. That's the way it often happens.

 

It's a nice 'soul mates' fantasy while it's going on. Come d-day you can't imagine the utter devastation you will witness.

 

During the affair he was cold & abusive (he doesn't remember it that way). Then for us there was hysterical bonding. Tons of sex. Then I woke-up & hated him.

[elaine567]

My wife has not noticed it because this complete lack of desire is only a few weeks old and previously she never initiated. So I don't think this lack of intimacy is bothering her. But has anyone gone through anything like this when they were in A?

 

Of course she will have noticed.

She will be questioning herself, her self esteem will take a nose dive and she will be miserable. She may or not like the sex, but a husband withdrawing is a big deal.

It suits you to think she will not notice, but you are fooling yourself.

 

So what is your plan?

If it is divorce, then get on with it, it is just cruel otherwise.

[kiyoma]

Of course she will have noticed.

She will be questioning herself, her self esteem will take a nose dive and she will be miserable. She may or not like the sex, but a husband withdrawing is a big deal.

It suits you to think she will not notice, but you are fooling yourself.

 

So what is your plan?

If it is divorce, then get on with it, it is just cruel otherwise.

 

Why? If she wanted, why didn't she show any interest before? And why it would be a big deal now? So she was ok as long as I was giving her the "ego kibbles" of initiating myself?

 

Although this in not about her but I seriously need to know.

 

I don't have any plan. I never thought fate would lead me to an affair. I was just hoping that someone would give me an answer that things normalizes again and you can again resume normal marital sex.

[waterwoman]

Why? If she wanted, why didn't she show any interest before? And why it would be a big deal now? So she was ok as long as I was giving her the "ego kibbles" of initiating myself?

 

Not a question of ego kibble - just the normality of your married life that she was used to. If you resented it so much you should/could have addressed it earlier without having an affair. It will be a big deal because it's not the same as it was, and she will notice and believe me she will care when she finds out you are in an affair.

[Furious]

For the first time since all of this started I am scared. Scared and in limbo. The occassional sex was the last vestige of our married life and its gone now. Yet I am afraid to let her go. We have a long since together in our young life of 28. We were not each other's first. 2nd. Together since school. We've had multiple break ups, new relationships, those break ups, reached out to each other, restarted. We were once 2yrs, 4 months apart between the age of 20-22.

 

But this time its not a breakup. A divorce is not a breakup.

 

In any longterm relationship a healthy sex life goes off the charts and sometimes wanes.

 

Of course you're scared, but you're at an impasse in which you're sheltered by the secrecy and living a double life.

 

I imagine deep down you're ok with a double life and deceit. This is your true problem and the sex thing is only a symptom of a bigger issue which is your character.

 

It's ok to fall out of love but that does not qualify to fall out of respect for your wife.

 

Dig Deep and look into your heart, let her go and do not be scared of being honest.

[ShatteredLady]

Do you have any children or is it just the 2 of you?

 

"Fate" does NOT lead someone to have an affair. It is a CHOICE! No matter what was happening in your marriage, you decided that you would invest your time, your emotions & your body in another woman.

 

Yes! Marriages can reconcile.

 

Yes! The sex can come back strong. If you have open & honest communication & 2 willing participants sex can be as amazing as your imagination & physical capability BUT you have betrayed the woman you vowed to love & cherish. You have no idea how much you have destroyed her on every level.

 

As I said, hysterical bonding after d-day is extremely common. Husband & wife go crazy clinging to each-other just to feel something other than emotional agony. What happens after that really depends....

 

It's a bit early to be thinking about the sex though. First you need to break ALL contact with your mistress (if you want to stay married) & deal with confession or discovery. Your wife might be being told about your affair at this very moment. She could be on her way to file for divorce....

 

What do you WANT? Is this an exit affair? Do you plan to divorce & take your chances on a future with your mistress? Do you intend to do (what you should have been doing all along) work on whatever problems your marriage has? Do you love your wife? Is this affair about sex?

 

If you provide more information the members here can give you the best advise.