Author kiyoma Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 Why did you not have anywhere to go? You CHOSE to leave your house.You CHOSE not to go to family and friends. You are having an affair which is something you also CHOSE. The worst possible response to marital difficulties. But somehow you feel you have no choice. It's hard to feel much sympathy to be honest. I'm not looking for sympathy. This was a rant. As poster above said and you said too, I chose the worst way to deal with marital difficulties. I don't want to work out problems with my wife. I don't want to make the compromises that would be required to work out the problems. And at the same time I don't want to live alone. As you have read, my AP doesn't even consider me a keeper. So I leave my wife and come back to what? An empty house and weekend meets and sex with AP? Maybe I will grow tired of this routine at some point and I will finally choose to leave. And who knows? I'm not exactly tied my wife to me. She can very well leave me too (and after being on this board I know it can be for another man. So I'm preparing for that possibility so that it doesn't hurt much when it happens). Maybe she is even pondering it too. But I'm not ready to leave my wife now. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 It feels like both my wife and AP have conspired together to make me the "donkey of the miller" - considered essential to grind the mill but not loved enough to be considered as precious as the horse in the barn No, you have done this to yourself because you won't change your conditions. Expect more until you change. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Had a big blowout with wife last night. Chose to leave the house. Nowhere to go. Don't want to go to friends or parents. So went directly to the place of only person I could think of - AP Even she was clearly inconvenienced by my presence. She didn't have to say it but it was apparent. She was studying and I was left with a promise that she would talk to me today and a kiss on cheek. And get this - she went to the bedroom (where I have been with her multiple times) and shut the door. I was left in the living room and on the couch. Only just received a call from wife where I was all night. "In the station" No signs of truce or empathy. I know when I return this will all be rugsweeped and we will back to our day-to-day routine. And therein lies the problem, it feels like I am not very important to both these women. It feels like both my wife and AP have conspired together to make me the "donkey of the miller" - considered essential to grind the mill but not loved enough to be considered as precious as the horse in the barn Consider yourself lucky that she let you in at all. You need to learn how to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiyoma Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 Consider yourself lucky that she let you in at all. You need to learn how to be alone. Who is "she"? Wife or AP? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Had a big blowout with wife last night. Chose to leave the house. Nowhere to go. Don't want to go to friends or parents. So went directly to the place of only person I could think of - AP Just out of curiosity, what was the fight with the wife over? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Nowhere to go. Don't want to go to friends or parents. So went directly to the place of only person I could think of - AP My husband slept in his car many many nights. Just saying. And if you lied about being at the station, it means you could have went there. Listen, You don't want to do the work to have a happier marriage-- and you don't want to leave. You're lazy. Are you depressed? Maybe you should see someone, maybe meds, talk therapy . You sound defeated and you aren't making good decisions....and those bad decisions aren't just affecting YOU. You are not a prized horse.. You're human and flawed. Do you go to church? are you close with God? You're not going to be happy anywhere if you're not happy with yourself. You cause most of the problems that are making you unhappy. Stop causing them. Do something to get yourself out of the funk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiyoma Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 This is my first night of my new life. I'm a bit drunk to write more. But I will sure inform how it came about the decision to leave. Thanks for those who followed me till now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiyoma Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 My husband slept in his car many many nights. Just saying. And if you lied about being at the station, it means you could have went there. Listen, You don't want to do the work to have a happier marriage-- and you don't want to leave. You're lazy. Are you depressed? Maybe you should see someone, maybe meds, talk therapy . You sound defeated and you aren't making good decisions....and those bad decisions aren't just affecting YOU. You are not a prized horse.. You're human and flawed. Do you go to church? are you close with God? You're not going to be happy anywhere if you're not happy with yourself. You cause most of the problems that are making you unhappy. Stop causing them. Do something to get yourself out of the funk. I know u hv been betrayed. Sorry if I irk you or disgust you. But what u wrote here is the truest to what I was feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiyoma Posted April 8, 2017 Author Share Posted April 8, 2017 As I have reiterated earlier, even though my GF didn't want a long term relationship with me, I was more and more getting attached to her. Which were causing fights. I tried to suppress my feelings because I felt like I had no rights to her. In the end, I couldn't. I blew up. I asked her why? What was I lacking that I was good for a **** but not love? Her answer stunned me. "Because you are not happy now. And I will not make you happy either" Then she said other things about how I only look at the negative things and pointed out the various positives I had in my life. She said I wasn't making my life easier by thinking only from my perspective. I had to think of others, most of all my wife. I just couldn't reply anything. I fell back. I immediately knew what she was saying about me. She was right. I don't keep my commitments to wife and friends. I am not focused in my goals. My priorities don't match with what I do. And when this lack of seriousness causes problem, I get frustrated and curse others over things for which only I'm to blame. That was the last time we met face to face outside work. We still talk and I thanked her for the things she pointed out which I should have know from the beginning. But this whole months of pining for her and knowing why she won't get together with me did nothing to bring the focus back on my wife. And I was not feeling any empathy that my gf suggested I do. I have irretrievably lost any feelings I had for my wife. And on a sit down together I told her I was not happy anymore being with her and I needed to be alone for a while. My wife instead of questioning what was bothering me and acknowledging the problems, started with shouting and yelling. I didn't say a word. I knew it was all pointless. I collected only my wallet, my certificates, my IDs, and my laptop and left. Since then we have been separated and I've been going back to my apartment time to time to get more of my things. And this time to my surprise she doesn't say anything. I know I don't deserve anything from her but her calm acceptance has really bothered me? Is it that she never loved me for real? was I all a convenience for her? Why is she leting me go so easily when I remember all those sweet things she used to say to me? I don't know what is going to happen in my future. But for the first time in a long time, I feel a little less burdened. I understood where my GF was coming from. I need to love myself first, make myself happy first for someone else to love me. I'm working towards that. At the same time I feel a loneliness and a desire to go back to old life just a few weeks ago. I don't know. I'm trying to do things that make me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 You are the only one that can be held responsible for your happiness, no one else can take that burden from you. There is a piece of music on YouTube by a group called Tango With Lions, the piece is called "In A Bar" have a listen to it. We all have our own journey's, some of us just create so much unnecessary drama. Just my observation but the simpler people keep things in their lives the happier they seem to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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