I am stunned and horrified by what I just found

[Intownup]

The best way I can explain all the other issues going on -- is that he is manipulative and demanding.

 

Here's an example. I am currently the breadwinner. He has handled the finances. I get my pack checks deposited into my account (that's just the way I had the direct deposit set up). I immediately transfer the ENTIRE check to our joint account. So, he immediately CASHES that money out and puts the money in his OWN account. I left 150 in my account last time and he said that I was impossible. That he was sick of my games with my money. I said I just wanted to leave little cash in there in case I needed it. He said that I have no respect for him and our financial needs. From there he told me that he is sick of begging me for money. I said I transferred the money 3 hours after I woke up! He said he needed then money ASAP and my delays are just repulsive to him. i said why do you need to have it all in your account? (he does bill pay out of his own account that I have no access to). He said WHAT??? I said do you have a bill due TODAY? Before noon? He said that he is sick of my questioning him and he can't live with someone like this....who is constantly trying to control everything. That I either trust him ...or I leave... my choice.

 

That is how he acted about MY PAYCHECK -- that I was transferring TO HIM!!!!

 

 

The OP has now stated that "18" is the age of consent in her state. But it remains true that in "most U.S. states" the age for unrestricted consent with a partner of any age, is "16". (I think "most" was '29' the last time I paid attention to the number)

 

In some cases the partner (of a 16, 17yo) cannot be a person in a supervisory position (teacher, boss, etc.).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(deep breath)

 

I have been attempting to view this thread, and your reports here with an open mind, and at first I was recognizing that all you have thus far presented, about the email to a 16yo (friend of his daughter's) was HIS contribution of "LOL".

 

That simply isn't incriminating on its own.

 

And it could be that the friends of the daughter DO (allow themselves to feel more comfortable asking him doctor/health related questions, merely because he IS a doctor)...

 

You have presented very little true evidence of this guy having any obvious interest in (banging) 16yo's now, or as any sort of a pattern.

 

You've not done a thing about elaborating on the context OF the email to/from the 16yo beyond his contribution of "LOL".

 

 

HOWEVER, now, with your added offerings here, I too am entirely willing to identify absurd manipulation and controlling behavior in the guy.

 

And while much of the Loveshack environs are filled with "should I date this guy - he has a wart on his nose" and stuff like that...

 

 

YOU are presently married to this person already... so the steady response of "(dump the chump)" is obviously easier said than done.

 

 

With that in mind, and IF your own future is your priority, you should do some manipulation of your own... which involves marriage counseling.

 

 

I'm still less-than-convinced about any present danger from a woman he had to resort to a chain email from 7 years ago, in order to contact.

 

 

But its the manipulative behavior which you will have to live with all your life unless you take a stand.

 

 

And I am the last person who buys into that "stay together for the kids" crap - nobody is helping children with that sort of environment.

 

But because "you are HERE" (as it says near the entrance to a shopping mall)... you have to select a path from this point/spot... and it involves (demanding) that your husband start going to marriage counseling with you.

 

 

As a start, I think you should print-out YOUR POSTS from this thread, and hand them to the marriage counselor in order for that person to gain a sense of just where you are in terms of your shared relationship.

 

 

If you were recently talking another baby, then clearly you still have a place for this relationship in your heart - and that is fine...

 

But if you want to reduce the probability of a long, troublesome road ahead, then you should BOTH consent to marriage counseling right away.

 

It won't eliminate the chance of the marriage thriving, but it will set you BOTH on a better path toward being able to effect such a direction.

 

You both need to treat one another better... and obviously most of what you report is evidence of his needing to treat you better, but the idea that you brought up his "checking out the ass of a 15yo at a water park" hints that you are (learning some of his manipulative powers).

 

 

Furthermore, we need to be able to gauge your husband independently... and you've not really helped us to understand the particulars of the one emailing 16yo so that we can figure out at all whether HE was independently inappropriate in his "LOL" response.

[grassisorisntgreener]

You're the breadwinner? I thought you said he was a doctor.

 

Him even entertaining these kinds of conversations with a 16 year old is disgusting.

 

Even if he has something on you, which I don't think is the case, I would go. Get the hell out of there as fast as possible. He's gross...and disrespectful, and clearly manipulative. Run.

[wmacbride]

I'm not sure how well you get on with his first wife, but perhaps speaking with her could give you some perspective on your own situation. His first marriage may have ended due to similar issues to your own.

[BluesPower]

You realize that now that he is actually the unstable person in the relationship.

 

Let us know that you are physically ok and keep posting...

[Intownup]

I am physically okay -- the worst thing he does is try to block the doors when I try to be alone. He won't let me leave.

 

The problem that I am having that I don't EVER have...is that I often get physically angry to the point of throwing things, screaming.. I don't throw things at him -- but I get SO mad.

 

He is so manipulative and sly that it makes me want to go crazy!

 

I am worried about myself because I don't like how I react and as many times as I tell myself to stay calm and to not blow up -- I can't seem to do it 50 percent of the time. Last night when he was telling me that calling a woman sexy and he missed her ...and that her body was looking hot -- was just a JOKE!, I started hitting him with my pillow...because he was laughing at me. I wanted to SCREAM> That's why I ran into the other bedroom to calm down but he wouldn't let me close the door...

 

 

 

You realize that now that he is actually the unstable person in the relationship.

 

Let us know that you are physically ok and keep posting...

[dreamingoftigers]

The best way I can explain all the other issues going on -- is that he is manipulative and demanding.

 

Here's an example. I am currently the breadwinner. He has handled the finances. I get my pack checks deposited into my account (that's just the way I had the direct deposit set up). I immediately transfer the ENTIRE check to our joint account. So, he immediately CASHES that money out and puts the money in his OWN account. I left 150 in my account last time and he said that I was impossible. That he was sick of my games with my money. I said I just wanted to leave little cash in there in case I needed it. He said that I have no respect for him and our financial needs. From there he told me that he is sick of begging me for money. I said I transferred the money 3 hours after I woke up! He said he needed then money ASAP and my delays are just repulsive to him. i said why do you need to have it all in your account? (he does bill pay out of his own account that I have no access to). He said WHAT??? I said do you have a bill due TODAY? Before noon? He said that he is sick of my questioning him and he can't live with someone like this....who is constantly trying to control everything. That I either trust him ...or I leave... my choice.

 

That is how he acted about MY PAYCHECK -- that I was transferring TO HIM!!!!

 

Seriously, it's good you are seeing the patterns now, and they shock you. But I can't underline enough to get out if there. See an attorney, talk to a woman's shelter. Something.

 

This guy is a real piece of work. He will do everything and anything. And sure it's all pleasant until you rock the boat a little.

[VeveCakes]

Why is he in complete control of the finances?

 

Ugh, this relationship is toxic.

 

Exit now.

[Intownup]

He will not release control of the finances. He talks about my problems in previous business and says that I am clearly not qualified to handle finances.

 

I had a bad business -- that was all. It did end poorly but that happens to many people in the world. It does not mean I'm an idiot.

 

Right now he is the one who is making choices on finances and buying things we should not buy.

 

I need to get some dental work (again I am the breadwinner) and it's going to be about 900 dollars to do after insurance. I have put it off for over a year and I told him I can't put it off any longer. He said you are really clueless aren't you? You should have done it a long time ago when we had more money... and NOW right before my daughter wants to go on a college search trip and the holidays? You really think we can afford your TOOTH?

 

So saying I am the problem here is typical of him....he won't even let me ask questions about how money is spent.. If i disagree with spending too much money while taking a college trip (totally elective and he could have her mother pitch in ....) I am heartless and just jealous of his daughter.. He bought a brand new iPhone, iwatch, custom nike tennis shoes last month AND decided to spent 2500 on new landscaping for our house (which was his when we get married so he says I have no ability to make choices since it's HIS investment)

 

But I have a tooth that desperately needs work. I make more than he does -- (yes he's a doctor but brings home about 120k a year) and I need my tooth fixed... that should not be a luxury.

[VeveCakes]

Stop handing money over to him.

 

You both make a lot of money....let him pay the bills with his. Taking your money is a sign of abuse...its considered financial abuse.

 

The house is both yours whether he likes it or not.

 

A tooth is more important than a holiday for a 16 year old.

[Intownup]

He told me that if I don't hand him the money....then we are done. He can't handle my control issues and that I need to learn to respect and trust him..

 

We have been over this before. He says he doesn't have enough money right now to pay all his bills because his business isn't doing well.

 

And no the house is his up until I married him and he says it has lost worth since we got married and he "does his homework" to make sure that if/when it sells this year... I get nothing... But he's clearly using my income to help fund it and the landscaping!

[VeveCakes]

This man is threatening divorce every other word. What is making you stay with him??

[GunslingerRoland]

Are you sure you even know how much he actually makes? Because I find it really suspicious that any doctor would only make $125K a year. This sounds like a bad situation getting rapidly worse. You need to get back control of your finances and your life.

[Intownup]

here's why i have stayed. I am writing a lot today to help myself get clarity.

 

1) i believe he loves me.

 

2) I think his threats of lawsuits and divorce are all controlling manipulative BLUFFS . He hasn't done any of these (yet).

 

3) He is losing his practice -- they aren't doing well and he feels like a failure and resents the fact that I am the breadwinner.

 

4) I am scared to be alone. I don't feel like I can live without him - even though he yells and screams everyday at me about something....and blames me for most of life's problems.

 

5) I feel like I will never find another man. When things are good..we are amazing. But, he truly says every other day (at least) that he hates his life...

 

 

i should also admit something else. 1 month ago I had a miscarriage. he was not very caring about it except to say we will try having another baby right away and we will be fine. THEN he has now said we should wait --

 

Anyway, we were out the other night for dinner. (kiddo with grandparents). I told him I wasn't feeling all that well and I would admit I was hormonal and not in a very good mood. I was fine -- I just wasn't partying or anything.

 

After dinner I could tell he wanted to go out and I suggested we go next door to the restaurant and listen to live music and have a drink. We did. He started talking about his days of delivering babies in med school. I asked him if he would please change the subject. I was nice. He said WHAT? I said it's sensitive subject right now. He said "you are unbelievable. You are a miserable person. You are NOT the person I met -- NOTHING makes you happy and I can't believe you ruined another night!" i said I just simply asked if we could change the subject! He insisted we leave and spent the whole night telling me that he's sick of my behavior and "sensitivity" and that he shouldn't have to walk on egg shells.

 

I said HOW is this EGGSHELLS? It's a miscarriage! Please understand I don't want to break into tears in front of people! I told you I am not feeling well and admittedly think I am hormonal after this miscarriage.

 

THEN he said just a few months ago you were too sensitive to listen to a song on the radio because you said it reminded you of your rape as a teenager! You don't realize how I have to live my life on eggshells trying to avoid your problems. I said OMG! Now my simple request not to listen to the song that was played during my TEENAGE RAPE is asking for too much? And asking not to talk about baby delivering after a miscarriage is ME being a pain in the ass and a MISerABLE PERSON WHO IS NOT THE PERSON YOU MET???

 

He said yes...that he realizes now that I have a serious problem. That i just look for ways to be the victim.

[VeveCakes]

Please just re read your last post and think long and hard what you love about this man.

 

You only get ONE LIFE.

 

Do not spend it this way.

[Intownup]

I grew up riding horses and have thought that maybe I could get a horse and distract myself IF i left him...

 

seeing your avatar makes me feel like that's possible. God I miss writing. My husband says we will never have enough money for me to ever get a horse unless we win the lotto. Again even though I make enough money to have one on my own!

[VeveCakes]

I grew up riding horses and have thought that maybe I could get a horse and distract myself IF i left him...

 

seeing your avatar makes me feel like that's possible. God I miss writing. My husband says we will never have enough money for me to ever get a horse unless we win the lotto. Again even though I make enough money to have one on my own!

 

I don't make even close to what you make and I have three of my own! Do you have a support system?

[grassisorisntgreener]

If you make more than him at $120K I am not seeing why the hell you even entertain staying with him. This is BAFFLING. I make pennies compared to this but I'm on my own and happy.

 

This post makes me so frustrated...

[grassisorisntgreener]

I grew up riding horses and have thought that maybe I could get a horse and distract myself IF i left him...

 

seeing your avatar makes me feel like that's possible. God I miss writing. My husband says we will never have enough money for me to ever get a horse unless we win the lotto. Again even though I make enough money to have one on my own!

 

The lotto??? WHAT do you have for bills????????? If you both are making over $100k...how can you not have a horse.

[BluesPower]

Intownup: That is just enough, just enough. If you were a puppy I would swat your nose with a news paper.

 

YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT LOVE YOU IN ANY WAY. HE IS ABUSIVE IN EVERY WAY. HE IS PHYCOLOGICALLY ABUSING YOU. HE IS PROBABLY NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE AS YOU AND I KNOW IT.

 

Your husband is sick. Do you understand, he is sick in the head, not you. The man needs to be put in a psych ward.

 

You must be able to see that. You are a grown woman.

Edited September 26, 2016 by BluesPower

[Raena]

No man is worth putting up with the abuse you are putting up with.

 

This is abuse plain and simple and you need to do whatever you can to get you and your child out of this situation. This is NOT healthy or normal in any way shape manner or form. Please leave him. You deserve to be treated better than this.

 

The money situation really irks me. If he really makes 120k a year and you make more than that then neither of you are doing so poorly that you couldn't figure out how to take care of yourselves alone. I live on a LOT less than that. You could manage without him.

 

Imagine how nice life could be if you didn't have to feel like you were always walking around on eggshells, never sure when the next time he'll lose his **** on you and start accusing you of being crazy when you are just normal!

 

My question to you is, why are you really staying? Don't you feel like you shouldn't have to put up with this crap from anyone? Don't let him guilt you into believing it's your fault. He has serious control issues and he's abusing you mentally, emotionally and financially.

 

Stop giving him all your money!!!! Why on earth would you ever agree to that? He can't force you to give it over. Tell him you won't give him another dime until he shows you what the bills are and you will pay exactly half, and ONLY half of the household bills. Anything left over for him will pay for his daughter and her needs. You spend the rest of your money taking care of your needs. A tooth is damn well more important than money for a college visit for a 16 year old, especially when it is YOUR money he's spending on frivolous crap.

 

How is it that you are supposedly so bad with money but yet his business isn't going well? Apparently he isn't so good with money either.

 

I've been where you are and I know full well how difficult it is to walk away but that doesn't mean you should stay. Take a good long hard look at the things you've posted here and really ask yourself if this is how you want to continue living your life.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I agree. He clearly is bad with money if his business is failing. The only reason he says that you are bad with money is so that you will believe him and let him take over the finances.

 

The amount of money that the two of you make, it would seem like you don't really need to save for a tooth. $900 isn't that much money given what your salaries.

[Miss Peach]

If we accept you don't have a checkered past, then it's hard not to see your huband as a narcissistic bully with sociopathic tendencies.

 

I'd never speak to my wife that way, it indicates a complete lack of respect. Not good...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, from the way it was typed out in here it looked like blame shifting.

[stillafool]

4) I am scared to be alone. I don't feel like I can live without him - even though he yells and screams everyday at me about something....and blames me for most of life's problems.

 

5) I feel like I will never find another man.

 

Why is your self esteem so low that you feel that you cannot be without a man?

[EZNona]

here's why i have stayed. I am writing a lot today to help myself get clarity.

 

1) i believe he loves me.

 

2) I think his threats of lawsuits and divorce are all controlling manipulative BLUFFS . He hasn't done any of these (yet).

 

3) He is losing his practice -- they aren't doing well and he feels like a failure and resents the fact that I am the breadwinner.

 

4) I am scared to be alone. I don't feel like I can live without him - even though he yells and screams everyday at me about something....and blames me for most of life's problems.

 

5) I feel like I will never find another man. When things are good..we are amazing. But, he truly says every other day (at least) that he hates his life...

 

 

 

None of these reasons sound like a good reason to stay with this man. You didn't even state that you love him as a reason.

 

I think that is very telling.

 

You are "settling" with him because you don't want to have to start all over by finding someone else new. Even though he is horrible, you know and are already familiar with the horrible that you are getting with him.

 

But girl, let me tell you, if I was making the type of income you are making, I would have zero qualms about leaving a guy like this. ZERO. Some women will stay because financially they don't think they can make it, but you don't have that problem at all which will ultimately make your exit even easier.

 

The fact that this 16 year old girl felt comfortable enough with YOUR husband to text some dirty stuff like she did is more than enough reason to leave and leave QUICKLY. Who cares if anything more has occurred between them?? It's already gone too far, especially with him not having enough sense to shut it down.

 

Your husband is what I would call a habitual line-stepper. He has no problem with crossing boundaries in relationships. You know he was like that in his previous marriage and he has continued that trend. He is also verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. I am very pro working out a marriage, but even I say it's time to walk where this guy is concerned.

 

You, and you alone, are keeping yourself in this hurtful marriage. There is much better out there for you. Just pick up your bags and your self-confidence and walk out that door. I know you can do it for yourself!

 

Oh, and stop putting all of your paycheck in a joint account. If anything, you should only be putting half. I have no doubt your husband is stashing away your hard-earned money.

[bathtub-row]

In a nutshell, you married a bad guy. You can either worsen things by continuing this drama, or you can start acting like a smart woman and lose this idiot. It really is that simple.