Cinnamonstix Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 Hi OP, I really urge you to seek individual counselling to understand why you would allow yourself to be abused and unable to leave an unhealthy relationship. You are in this situation because you are attracted to and attract unhealthy men that take advantage of you. He does not respect you because he knows he can treat you any way he wants and you will stay. He is controlling your life because you are allowing him to. Until you make changes in yourself, this will happen over and over again. It is very heartbreaking to constantly beg someone to love you. A man like this will never truly love you. Break the cycle and get help for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 (edited) This may sound really mean, but please take it in the way it is meant. Please stop thinking about how you feel, how angry you are and what he does to you and start thinking about your four year old child. This is not the type of behavior she should be seeing from a man, ad the longer you stay, the more harm it's going to do.You are teaching her to accept abuse. STOP RIGHT NOW Please, use her as your reason for wanting better for yourself than this F'cked up situation you are in. You owe her a decent male role model, and your husband is anything but. Edited September 26, 2016 by wmacbride 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 If he does have inappropriate contact with underage girls and you had knowledge of his behavior but did nothing to stop it, you could possibly be held accountable too both legally and civilly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 He will not release control of the finances. He talks about my problems in previous business and says that I am clearly not qualified to handle finances. I had a bad business -- that was all. It did end poorly but that happens to many people in the world. It does not mean I'm an idiot. Right now he is the one who is making choices on finances and buying things we should not buy. I need to get some dental work (again I am the breadwinner) and it's going to be about 900 dollars to do after insurance. I have put it off for over a year and I told him I can't put it off any longer. He said you are really clueless aren't you? You should have done it a long time ago when we had more money... and NOW right before my daughter wants to go on a college search trip and the holidays? You really think we can afford your TOOTH? So saying I am the problem here is typical of him....he won't even let me ask questions about how money is spent.. If i disagree with spending too much money while taking a college trip (totally elective and he could have her mother pitch in ....) I am heartless and just jealous of his daughter.. He bought a brand new iPhone, iwatch, custom nike tennis shoes last month AND decided to spent 2500 on new landscaping for our house (which was his when we get married so he says I have no ability to make choices since it's HIS investment) But I have a tooth that desperately needs work. I make more than he does -- (yes he's a doctor but brings home about 120k a year) and I need my tooth fixed... that should not be a luxury. Um, no sht. Time to stop handing over your paycheque to him. It's even better to give it to a lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 He told me that if I don't hand him the money....then we are done. He can't handle my control issues and that I need to learn to respect and trust him.. We have been over this before. He says he doesn't have enough money right now to pay all his bills because his business isn't doing well. And no the house is his up until I married him and he says it has lost worth since we got married and he "does his homework" to make sure that if/when it sells this year... I get nothing... But he's clearly using my income to help fund it and the landscaping! And you aren't "allowed" access to the finances? ATTORNEY! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 At this point, I'm sorry but you are choosing to live this way. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Not a little bit. Not a tiny bit. Not at ALL. You're setting a terrible example for your poor baby and you're ruining your own life. Please for the love of god snap out of it and get some help! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intownup Posted September 26, 2016 Author Share Posted September 26, 2016 If it isn't love...is it just control? He seems to love me ...at times. He has basically blown up his practice because he doesn't work enough and wants to spend more time with me. Spent too much money on vacations with me... but I need to realize he would probably do the same thing with someone else... too. Right? But is it all control?; I told him that love doesn't threaten...doesn't lie to hurt me... doesn't do any of those things. His response is always -- "then you should probably leave me then?" I say WHAT and he will say if you think i'm such a no good piece of Fu*k shi* then you should leave!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 YES it is control. It is NOT POSSIBLE to love someone and treat them the way he treats you. He has severe psychological problems. He needs to put you down to feel better about himself. Whatever good things he does to keep you around are just that - things he does to keep you around. Because he needs you. To put you down. To feel better about himself. Get it? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 Please just think about your poor baby. If you care about her at all, leave this man. He's going to abuse her just like he abuses you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 OP, please make a Pros and Cons list to your relationship and marriage. And then ask yourself, if your daughter were in a relationship like this, what would you advise her? If she came to you and told you she was crumpled on the floor in a flood of tears with pain and anguish for being treated the way you were treated, what would you tell her to do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 If it isn't love...is it just control? He seems to love me ...at times. He has basically blown up his practice because he doesn't work enough and wants to spend more time with me. Spent too much money on vacations with me... but I need to realize he would probably do the same thing with someone else... too. Right? But is it all control?; I told him that love doesn't threaten...doesn't lie to hurt me... doesn't do any of those things. His response is always -- "then you should probably leave me then?" I say WHAT and he will say if you think i'm such a no good piece of Fu*k shi* then you should leave!!! Intownup, I mean this kindly... I don't think you know what real love is. Many people don't, as they've never experienced real, healthy love. What you have here is need, wanting, control, unhealthy attachment and obsession. Not love. He may seem to love you at times. That is what abusers do. They give you just enough to keep you there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 If it isn't love...is it just control? He seems to love me ...at times. He has basically blown up his practice because he doesn't work enough and wants to spend more time with me. Spent too much money on vacations with me... but I need to realize he would probably do the same thing with someone else... too. Right? But is it all control?; I told him that love doesn't threaten...doesn't lie to hurt me... doesn't do any of those things. His response is always -- "then you should probably leave me then?" I say WHAT and he will say if you think i'm such a no good piece of Fu*k shi* then you should leave!!! Take him at his word then... leave him. That's an outlandish response to what you said to him. Apparently telling him that he isn't treating you right isn't changing his behavior to you. He won't listen to reason. Instead of telling him, show him. Don't send him your paycheck, file for separation and go stay with a friend or family if you can. If you can't, then go stay at a hotel. You have to show him that you mean business. Don't let him suck you into coming back until he goes to at least 3 or 4 marriage counseling sessions with you and you see progress in how he's treating you. You don't have to put up with this stuff from him. Who wants to be screamed at daily? Do you? Do you really? I don't think you do, so stop the fighting and remove yourself from this equation. He can't scream at you if you don't let him. It sounds like he's depressed/angry about his own life predicament and he's taking it out on you. You don't have to let him continue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 (edited) Just a quick note on finances.... My doctor isn't doing very well in his practice. We've had long conversations about how medical care is moving away from 'family doctors' & more to clinics that provide procedures. Anyway, he earns about the same as your H. He supplements his income by working in an emergency clinic at the weekend. He makes as much a weekend as he does a week of his practice!! He seems to prefer feeling sorry for himself & taking it out on you! Marrying lawyers & doctors isn't the guaranteed affluence in was in the past. Edited September 26, 2016 by ShatteredLady 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 If it isn't love...is it just control? He seems to love me ...at times. He has basically blown up his practice because he doesn't work enough and wants to spend more time with me. Spent too much money on vacations with me... but I need to realize he would probably do the same thing with someone else... too. Right? But is it all control?; I told him that love doesn't threaten...doesn't lie to hurt me... doesn't do any of those things. His response is always -- "then you should probably leave me then?" I say WHAT and he will say if you think i'm such a no good piece of Fu*k shi* then you should leave!!! I am not going to tell you that he " does or doesn't " love you. I'm not a mind reader. What I can tell you is that he is a toxic abuser because of how he behaves toward you and others. His behaviour is the problem. Big problem. I personally can't imagine treating anyone I love the way your husband treats you. But honestly, in a much larger sense is that important? If he chases you all through the hills while wielding an axe to chop your head off, does it really matter if he feel like he loves you or not? Maybe he thinks you're just the prettiest little thing and he wants to display your head on a silver platter to "remember all of the good times." That wouldn't be okay "as long as he loves you" right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intownup Posted September 26, 2016 Author Share Posted September 26, 2016 This is spot on and an eye opener for me. You are right -- even if he loves me -- he's still hurting me. And making fun of my 'sensitivity' after a miscarriage or mocking me for finding his disgusting emails... is just not love. I think he should have kindly said -- that was old. I am sorry. You are right it was inappropriate and what can I do to let you know I will never let that happen again. Not shame me and threaten me and say it was just a joke...and he wasn't even having that much sex with his wife then...so what? It's just what I did to get free trips and meals for business.... NO! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 None of this sounds like love to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 This is spot on and an eye opener for me. You are right -- even if he loves me -- he's still hurting me. And making fun of my 'sensitivity' after a miscarriage or mocking me for finding his disgusting emails... is just not love. I think he should have kindly said -- that was old. I am sorry. You are right it was inappropriate and what can I do to let you know I will never let that happen again. Not shame me and threaten me and say it was just a joke...and he wasn't even having that much sex with his wife then...so what? It's just what I did to get free trips and meals for business.... NO! Just think of how 'loving' he would be toward you if you pulled the crap to him that he does to you Tell him he sucks with money, demand he turn over his paycheque, tell him that "he needs to trust you and respect you" while refusing to provide an accounting of those funds. Tell him he's unreasonable and dramatic when he finds evidence of you acting out sexually or giggling along with a minor over sexually inappropriate stuff. Threaten him with "dirt on him" if any of that disturbs him. Refuse him basic dental work to buy a relative of yours a holiday trip. Describe the house as your personal investment while he foots the bills. Block him from leaving or toileting in private....... How long do you think he would feel loved and stick around? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intownup Posted September 27, 2016 Author Share Posted September 27, 2016 He gets mad if I delay an hour in depositing all of my check so no. He wouldn't stay around for any of that. Even if he stays ... he fights and yells 24:7. You are right. He would never allow this. And money is his bottom line. It is his Achilles heel. If I hold any money...he blows. Maybe I should consider pressing that issue to watch his REAL reaction. Withhold by check? The hard part is...that will be the end. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 He gets mad if I delay an hour in depositing all of my check so no. He wouldn't stay around for any of that. Even if he stays ... he fights and yells 24:7. You are right. He would never allow this. And money is his bottom line. It is his Achilles heel. If I hold any money...he blows. Maybe I should consider pressing that issue to watch his REAL reaction. Withhold by check? The hard part is...that will be the end. My suggestion is don't stoke the crazy fires. You priority NEEDS To be protecting your child, yourself and your assets. Not seeing just how lunatical and reactive he can get. I assure you, my husband was not this way easily and he could get pretty damn nuts when pushed. Your husband is SCARY. I don't recommend testing the limits of that. I recommend seeing an attorney right away. Or just getting into a shelter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 What on earth are YOU getting out of this horribly abusive relationship??? Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 In a nutshell, you married a bad guy. You can either worsen things by continuing this drama, or you can start acting like a smart woman and lose this idiot. It really is that simple. Uh, no, it is anything but that simple. For she is already tethered to him for all eternity. (and that is a 'given' ) Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 YES it is control. It is NOT POSSIBLE to love someone and treat them the way he treats you. He has severe psychological problems. He needs to put you down to feel better about himself. Whatever good things he does to keep you around are just that - things he does to keep you around. Because he needs you. To put you down. To feel better about himself. Get it? Wow, I've been sitting here, and truly leaning hard toward the OP's side (from an earlier, more fair stance than some had) and Gemma REALLY explained this concisely, and impressively. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Intownup, I mean this kindly... I don't think you know what real love is. Many people don't, as they've never experienced real, healthy love. What you have here is need, wanting, control, unhealthy attachment and obsession. Not love. He may seem to love you at times. That is what abusers do. They give you just enough to keep you there. this is another good one... very near to a significant question: What is the relationship past of the OP ??? Sometimes it isn't so easy to discern what 'normal' is when a person only gets 2 or 3 "at-bats" during the course of a romantic lifetime. And if males have been mean to a woman in the past, it tends to make that seem more "normal" than ever should be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 My suggestion is don't stoke the crazy fires. You priority NEEDS To be protecting your child, yourself and your assets. Not seeing just how lunatical and reactive he can get. I assure you, my husband was not this way easily and he could get pretty damn nuts when pushed. Your husband is SCARY. I don't recommend testing the limits of that. I recommend seeing an attorney right away. Or just getting into a shelter. Yeah I suggested she stop giving him all her money too and then thought... but how will he respond to that? It's likely he'll freak out on her. That's why she needs to have a plan to get away before doing this so he can't hurt her or her child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Google "gas lighting" and see if it sounds remotely familiar. I would be making an exit plan. What he is doing with the 16 year old is beyond creepy and inappropriate. His explanation doesn't make sense. I am married to a doctor; this is not how they help or explain things to people. I believe he has done more than just talk to these women. not to mention that any kid that knows the alphabet can google birth control and STD or anything else they want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
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