I am stunned and horrified by what I just found

[Quiet Storms]

None of this makes sense.

 

You are the "breadwinner" and he makes 120k a year? No, you are not the "breadwinner", even though you make more than him. You both make a substantial contribution and no one is the 'breadwinner'. 120k is not a lot for a physician, but if you make more than him, then simple math says you two bring in at least a quarter of a million dollars a year, combined. And you can't get your tooth fixed for $900? Really?

 

I will tell you this, though - money does not solve all. I am a physician who was married to a physician and we brought in half a million dollars a year in income. No debt. Yet, he could not stop being financially obsessive. I got an allowance. We are now divorced.

 

As for the rest, you need more proof. He sounds like a jerk and a pervert, but a lot of these guys are, and so far there is nowhere near enough evidence to charge him with anything. Your best bet is to just get out.

[BaileyB]

To say it again, this is not love.

[bathtub-row]

If it isn't love...is it just control? He seems to love me ...at times. He has basically blown up his practice because he doesn't work enough and wants to spend more time with me. Spent too much money on vacations with me... but I need to realize he would probably do the same thing with someone else... too. Right?

 

But is it all control?; I told him that love doesn't threaten...doesn't lie to hurt me... doesn't do any of those things. His response is always -- "then you should probably leave me then?" I say WHAT and he will say if you think i'm such a no good piece of Fu*k shi* then you should leave!!!

 

Your first mistake, other than marrying this numbskull in the first place, is trying to reason with him. You are in a full-blown abusive marriage, and trying to make sense of it or fix it is nothing more than a trap to keep you hooked. Abusers thrive on control. They get pleasure out of causing you pain because they are addicted to power. I know you don't believe this because you don't think that way but it's true nonetheless.

 

To everyone else reading your posts, it's heartbreaking to see what you're allowing in your life. There is only one solution to this problem and that is to leave him. Abusers cannot and will not change. And I can save you the suspense, your husband is not the exception to the rule.

 

You seem very hung up on this idea about whether he loves you or not but that isn't relevant to the issue. It's like those math problems that throw in a question that has nothing to do with the problem. The issue here is that your husband is abusive, cannot be fixed, and you're going to find one day that you don't even know who you are because you allowed yourself to stay with this person.

 

I always recommend the book, Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. He has studied thousands of abusers. Once you understand why your husband does what he does, you'll stop being impressed by him and you'll stop listening to his excuses.

 

By staying with this guy, you're signing your own death warrant because he'll either physically kill you or he'll kill your spirit. That's something you can bank on. But, yeah, I'm sure he's crazy about you so it makes everything else ok.

[Intownup]

This is very well said, Quiet storms. I actually don't have an allowance I just get yelled at any time I suggest that I need something ...if he's in a mood. Which is almost all the time Now because of his work pressure.

 

My tooth is only 900. In comparison to the 15k I bring in every month after taxes. That's what frustrates me. I have suggested downsizing ...he doesn't want to sell HIS house. And when I say these things he accuses me of wanting the profits. I can't get my tooth fixed (without a fight) but says if he sells his house with a profit maybe he will get to go skiing after all this winter. I said no! You need to save this! Then he tells me I just love control and I am not getting any...

 

I don't know why I stay. I thought about leaving yesterday. But I am terrified to be without him. And thoughts of him with another woman make me so jealous and angry. Do I have a problem? Is that normal?

 

None of this makes sense.

 

You are the "breadwinner" and he makes 120k a year? No, you are not the "breadwinner", even though you make more than him. You both make a substantial contribution and no one is the 'breadwinner'. 120k is not a lot for a physician, but if you make more than him, then simple math says you two bring in at least a quarter of a million dollars a year, combined. And you can't get your tooth fixed for $900? Really?

 

I will tell you this, though - money does not solve all. I am a physician who was married to a physician and we brought in half a million dollars a year in income. No debt. Yet, he could not stop being financially obsessive. I got an allowance. We are now divorced.

 

As for the rest, you need more proof. He sounds like a jerk and a pervert, but a lot of these guys are, and so far there is nowhere near enough evidence to charge him with anything. Your best bet is to just get out.

[BaileyB]

Yes, abusive relationships are all about control. And abusers are rarely controlling 24/7. They are abusive at times, then they are very caring at other times. It keeps you off balance and confused, which perpetuates the abuse.

 

You should make a plan to leave and part of that plan should be finding support and counselling because how you justify his behavior and your jealousy toward other women is not normal. You focus on the little things that you argue about (like disagreements over money) and completely miss the bigger picture. You need a different perspective!

 

Your relationship is hugely dysfunctional. You need to find someone to talk with who can help you to get your head on straight, because if you stay with him you are allowing the abuse to continue. For the health and safety of your child, you can not continue to do that!

Edited September 27, 2016 by BaileyB