So glad I found this- so lost

[patriots22]

Hi,

 

My situation is probably like many of yours. I have been with him for a year now, long distance so we only see each other about once a month or so for a few days at a time. My MM and I started out harmlessly talking, we were friends online. I didn't seek him out for anything, but I did find out later he did seek me out because he was interested from the get go.

 

The story I am told is that he told his wife (of 3 years) when they first got together that he was not interested in a monogamous relationship, and that she told him OK but she just didn't want to find out about it. Obviously I have no way to know if that is true.

 

Coming out of a divorce myself, I didn't want any attachment, and since he said his wife was not expecting him to be monogamous, I went through with our first meeting and we had sex.

 

Well it didn't take long to fall in love. Again, I know this story isn't unique. But here is my issue.

 

I have never caught him in a lie, I can't say he lies to me. In fact, he usually tells me the truth even if I don't want to hear it. Now, he is a lawyer so maybe he is just good at twisting his words.

 

He went through a tough divorce some time ago, has a 15 year old son from that marriage and has a 14 month old with his current wife of 3 years. He told me from the beginning that he was not going to go through another divorce again, and that he was in love with his wife but looking for a "connection" not a fling.

 

I don't think either of us knew what kind of connection we would have when we started this, but we're here now and can't change the past. I certainly wouldn't have done it, I didn't want attachment and was not looking to get into a relationship, but here I am finding myself still more in love with him every day.

 

He tells me he loves me, but that he also loves her too and that she makes him happy "in her own way." He has told me from the beginning that they don't have sex, I find it hard to believe but again I've not known him to lie to me.

 

I ask him how is it possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time, he doesn't have an answer.

 

We came to a breaking point because in the beginning, he told me we could still do things together, go on vacation with each other, still have a relationship of sorts...just obviously without anyone ever knowing. And we used to video chat when we couldn't see each other, but he became busy and it wasn't a priority for him. But as he didn't make me a priority, I watched him go on vacation with her, then when I'd suggest dates for our vacation he would never commit to doing it with me. Which, I understand but he did tell me we would be able to do those things, so it is what I expected. I don't get Christmas, I don't get a family with him, I don't get any of that, but I was told I'd get something and if I'm not getting that then why am I still here?

 

Well, now he has said he will go on vacation with me, he'll figure out a way. He has made it a point to get back to video chatting. We will plan to do more together than just work events (we work together, sort of). He wants to be with me forever (but with me on the side, of course, because he doesn't want to get divorced). And he has sent several packages to my house, I'm sure to get me back in line by buying me things.

 

He jokes all the time- except sort of not joking- that he wants to have babies with me, we would make the most beautiful children, etc.

 

He told me if he had it to do over again, he'd rather it be me he's married to. If he had known me 3 years ago, things would be different. He wishes it was me, and not her, but he's not getting divorced again. And again, this is the same conversation where he told me he loves her too, so I don't feel like he was merely trying to sweet talk me. That hurt like a knife to the heart.

 

How can he really be in love with his wife, if he was out seeking a "connection?" How can he really be as in love with me as he says if he doesn't want to be with me?

 

Does this man have feelings for either of us? Our chemistry when we are together is like nothing I have ever felt before. Physically speaking, (I am speaking objectively and not trying to be conceited here) I am way out of his league but I have never been more attracted to anyone in my entire life. The way he looks at me, the things he says to me, I can't help but believe him. But then why...why doesn't he want to be with me?

 

He wants a life with me forever but forever on the side. I guess it isn't worth convincing him to choose me. He has even told me I may want to find someone where I live to be with so that I don't go through life alone and raise my preschool aged son alone. But that he wants to be with me forever still and his only request is that it not be any of his friends. I haven't sought out any other companion because I wouldn't want to do that to either of them.

 

By the way, we work together on another job I have that is very important to me- he is my boss and I am not willing to give that job up, so no contact is out of the question. He has also done a lot to further my career there. He has also made career choices- changed companies- because one would bring him to where I live on a frequent basis.

 

Will I just have to get to a point where I am ready to let him go? It hurts so much to know he goes to bed every night with someone else while I am alone, it hurts so much to know that he can share all his passion with me yet on Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversaries, birthdays, he's making memories with someone else.

 

Will I ever stop wanting it to be me?

 

I thought it would get easier but it only seems to get harder.

He won't ever change his mind and pick me, will he? I feel most of the time that I am making his marriage better for him because he is getting what he needs from me and going back a content man for her.

 

Is the only way to know that if I let him go?

[patriots22]

By the way, about 2 months into it she found out about an affair he had a year prior to me (the BH sent her an email) and apparently she wouldn't talk about it and only said "it's not ideal."

 

From what he has told me she does not like to discuss feelings, isn't an emotional person.

 

But then on their anniversary she puts up a wedding picture with "Happy anniversary baby!"

 

I don't get it. Why is she okay with this?

 

I hate myself for wanting her to find out but I really have never wanted anything more in my life. Maybe then he'd either be forced to make a decision or she'd make it for him. Or at least it'd force us to stop.

[Grey Cloud]

I know you are in turmoil but I'm going to be quite blunt:

 

1. He is still having sex with his wife

2. You have never caught him in a lie yet he does lie - to his wife

3. He wants a plaything on the side, he has done this before

4. You caught feelings and an emotional connection whereas he is viewing the situation for what it is - an affair

5. No, he will never change his mind. He has told you he is not leaving his wife and you will forever be a side piece

6. You have no idea whether his wife is ambivalent or not regarding other women. And yet, if she found out about you he would go running back to her with his tail between his legs.

 

Is this what you want? You said yourself you are out of his league! He is totally having his cake and eating it too. If not you, it would be someone else.

 

You can find an amazing connection with someone else who is single. You will need to let go and go no contact permanently. This man cannot give you want you want and you are wasting your time trying. More heartache and frustration is on the cards if you continue. I hope you will see the light!

[Alamo657]

You are in love with a man who is unavailable for a committed monogamous relationship. That's all you need to know to take a rational decision.

[DKT3]

Ok so let's assume his wife finds out, let's even assume that she tosses him out, what then?

 

Should you end up in a legitimate relationship with him, you would take his wife's place, the problem is some other woman would take your place. Good luck with that.

[BluesPower]

GC is correct about most everything.

 

I do believe that a man can love two woman, not me, but I believe that you can. I have really liked several women at one time, but I have, so far, only loved one women at a time.

 

Of course he is having sex with this wife, they have a kid. He is lying to you about almost everything.

 

If his wife knows that he is monogamous then he would not be sneaking around and you guys could go on vacation whenever you wanted. In fact, if any of that was true, you would have already talked to his wife and come to an agreement.

 

If you are not happy about anything that is going on. You sound fairly young and if you want to have a real relationship you should dump him and find someone single. Then, if you choose, you could fall in love and have a life together.

 

If that is not what you want for your life, then you could just continue the current affair and live life.

 

I would not stop dating though, you may want to date around now that you kind of understand where you are with everything.

 

What do you want to do?

[BuddyX]

Has never lied? Hmm. Quick way to find out, go over to his place, and tell his wife you're the MM side piece. If she shrugs her shoulders and says "whatever", then you know he's got permission to fool around.

[Logan787]

Three words. HE'S. USING. YOU. don't be deceived by his little games and trickery. He is simply using you as a plaything and is making a fool out of both you and his wife in the process. I don't believe that anyone can be in love with two people at once, seeing that the essence and true definition of love is SELFLESS SACRIFICE. Think about it, if YOU were madly in love with someone would YOU want to be with anyone else besides them and give yourself to them on the side? NO! You wouldn't. Also, if you're in love with someone you are going to seek that persons good. Sleeping around on them and playing them for a fool, doesn't qualify as seeking their good. This man is a taker and not a giver. You are wasting the best years of your life(I'm assuming your in your late twenties or early thirties) on a man that is simply playing you like a yo yo.

The reason you feel so "in love" with him, is because you have created that soul bond through pre-marital sex. If you wouldn't have had sex with him, I doubt your feelings would be as deep. Your feelings are deluding you. It's an illusion. You need to break free and find someone that respects you enough not to treat you like a slinky play toy. I assure you this won't end well. Think about it somethings gonna have to break and he already told you that it won't be his marriage, so guess what that leaves....YOU! You will be the one to break.

[whichwayisup]

By the way, about 2 months into it she found out about an affair he had a year prior to me (the BH sent her an email) and apparently she wouldn't talk about it and only said "it's not ideal."

 

From what he has told me she does not like to discuss feelings, isn't an emotional person.

 

But then on their anniversary she puts up a wedding picture with "Happy anniversary baby!"

 

I don't get it. Why is she okay with this?

 

I hate myself for wanting her to find out but I really have never wanted anything more in my life. Maybe then he'd either be forced to make a decision or she'd make it for him. Or at least it'd force us to stop.

 

He's totally lying to you about everything. Of course she doesn't know about you and the affair.

 

MM is lying to his wife daily, the woman who gave birth to their child! please don't fool yourself into thinking he'd never lie or omit truths from you. If he lies to her, he'll lie to you as well.

 

He isn't the man you think he is, you don't know what goes on in their marriage, only what he tells you.

 

Ask yourself if this is the type of man you want, a liar and a known cheater (since you say he's cheated in the past). You'd be step mom to their child IF you two ended up together. And, could you fully trust him NOT to cheat on you in the future? He is so used to having two women to fulfill is his selfish needs.

[Miss Clavel]

having been on these websites for years, having been cheated on, betrayed, murdered and robbed myself, i've hear it ALL. from both sides.

 

this is the saddest post i've ever read. i actually have tears. for the women that's been married for just three years, with a baby. and her husband's a POS ahole dog. omg.

 

hope she finds us.

[Miss Clavel]

p.s. he IS going to get a divorce. whether he wants one or not. trust me.