Is my girlfriend cheating on me while abroad?

[Zack_67]

Hello there, this is my first post under this name but I've been to this forum before...I seriously hoped that this wouldnt happen, as I was sure that this person would be "the One" but here we are...

 

I've been in a relationship for 10 months. Up until now, it had been extremely fulfilling, I was even afraid my girlfriend was codependent because she could barely let a day go by without seeing me, she would sometimes even skip work to just lay in bed with me and stare at me but I didn't mind since I love her. We just text and share things constantly, all day long as we have very similar interests and a shared sense of humor. We used to, until very very recently, at least...

 

Ever since we started dating, I'd been upfront about my intention of studying in a foreign country; as time went by and I got to know this person better, I pledged to her that I'd be taking her with me. Both of us had been born there so things seemed almost predestined.

 

While the relationship has been great throughout, it started to show some wear when I entered a "super intensive", 4 months long online course to prepare for said foreign country's medical residency exam. This meant that I wasn't freely able to go out due to the heavy study load. During this time I always insisted to my GF that she should spend more time with her friends as we wouldnt be sharing quality time, but instead of this happening it got to a point where she was even living with me at my parents'. I told her that I needed some space to study, and she did dial things down a bit, but we still went on seeing each other 4-5 times a week.

 

Our sex life suffered as I was tired all the time and was afraid of getting her pregnant now (she also didnt want to get the shot, something I'd been asking her for ever since we were steady; many, many pregnancy scares were had), only doing it about once a week and sometimes once every two weeks. She sometimes complained about feeling in a rut but I reassured her that this all had to do with the course and once it was over we could go back to being a normal couple.

 

During this time period, an opportunity for her to take a college course in a country that's in a timezone that's 12 hours away during 2 months "miraculously" came up. I agreed on it and even helped her out with the paperwork. Her departure date was the same as mine. I never even thought that this would bring any kind of strain into our relationship, that's how strong I thought it was...

 

The day before we left we went on a date out of town, exchanged handmade love letters and agreed to stay in touch via Skype and Whatsapp as much as possible.

 

I took my exam, but came just short of hitting my objective (this was my second try). and I told her about this. Initially, my GF went on communicating in a usual manner, but since I had no 3G or whatever over there it was hard to coincide timewise (lots of missed calls coming from her). Communication started dwindling but I thought that it'd pick up once I got back home...this wasn't exactly true, not at all.

 

Once I got here, I noticed that it was harder than ever to stay in touch even though we both now had round the clock internet. Sure, we texted sporadically and only continually when she went to bed always after midnight (1-4 AM) but every time I tried to get her on the phone i'd be cut short, and the excuses came up again and again (her roommate was there, she was too tired to talk even though she usually goes to bed at the aforementioned time).

 

About 2 days after she got there, she started talking to me about a wonderful new male acquaintance she had made. A few days before I got home, she posted an innocent looking picture of her and him. This didnt set me off. What set me off was seeing the dude's mother post a huge heart-eyed smiley in the comments and said douchebag replying with hearts.

 

In another picture my GF posted and tagged indicating that she'd been to dinner with a group of friends (including said scumbag), the guy wrote a comment saying "[she] is soooo beautiful and niiiiceee" along with a huge heart eyed smiley.

 

I couldnt help but question my GF about this and the lack of communication. We had a series of arguments over this, but I've calmed down since.

 

What do you fellow Fmembers make of this?

[Zack_67]

I should add, initially I had a few, minor trust issues. I come from a very chauvinistic and mysoginistic society, and though I've worked on freeing myself of that it's sometimes hard to shake off. What had me worried was that my GF used to say that she didn't like having sex and that she'd been with 2,3 sexual partners at most.

 

This didnt make sense to me as there were many cliched "signs" that in my society contradict that type of behavior; my GF is a smoker, a heavy drinker, she smokes weed, is very outgoing with lots of male friends, has many friends in the local art and music worlds, is inked, does runway modeling, was nearly abandoned by her father at the age of 8, I met her on Tinder, has had "crushes" and "flings" with many acquaintances (4 of them 2 of them close and none from the same social circle)...you get the picture.

 

I liked many of these about her (I drink and smoke weed, am a somewhat outsider musician and I dont see anything wrong about male/female acquaintances).

 

Also, when we began dating and weren't serious yet she popped a very weird question out of the blue...she asked what were my thoughts on open relationships and I told her that I didnt believe in them...after we agreed on going steady we pledged to being faithful to each other.

 

I got over the nagging feeling once I saw how sweet things were with her, and I never got any bad vibes before this happened.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Zack_67

[lolablue17]

Yes, you have a reason to be concern. But LDR alone can cause that. When a good relationship, even a perfect one, passes through a LDR, it can be damaged.

 

So you see, all the other things that you mentioned, are hidden under the headline - LDR. If you go and see her, even for the weekend, you'll have much better knowledge about what's going on, and you'll have an influence, what you do not have from far far away.

[Poutrew]

The more you try to talk to her the more needy and wimpy you appear to her so stop communicating with her so much. Let her initiate the next round of chats. If she doesn't then just ignore her and move on with your life, because she has. LDRs are very hard to do right... to me it sounds like your relationship is another LDR victim.

[Alamo657]

What do you fellow Fmembers make of this?

LDR can only work if both people are so awesome that whoever they meet during that away time, doesn't compare one bit to their far away lover. And being needy and scared is not awesome...

 

That's why "normal" people cheat, because everyone is equivalent at the lower levels or the social stratas.

[Darren Steez]

I was even afraid my girlfriend was codependent because she could barely let a day go by without seeing me,

 

This should have been a red flag, especially the part about skipping work and laying in bed. Yes people can spend alot of time with each other but it's not real life and unrealistic..and as you've found out the minute you stop spending time she found someone else to be obsessed with.

 

Look mate I'd cut and run. She's obviously now gaming this other dude who's showing her attention but really this dude is just a symptom of the problem. Your chick is needy, once you dropped out the picture and another guy showed interest she went for him instead.

 

She seems to be a chick that needs attention 24/7. If your pursuing a career in medicine which in the first few years while training, you'll be working long hours with little down time there isn't going to be time to be nursing her ego.

 

She will find another man regardless. Best to let her go and move on.

 

Find someone less needy and cheaty.

 

100% less cheaty.

[BluesPower]

Yes be worried, very worried.

 

Look you guys are so young, but I realize that all this will hurt you. You guys don't have that much time invested in the relationship. Just move on to someone else.

 

She IS DATING this guy, and yes she is screwing him. You know that is what is going on.

 

The problem is that she is lying about all of it. It would have been better if she had just come clean about it and broke up with you if that is what she wanted. But if you are not happy about it, then just end the relationship it is really that simple.

 

Just don't be stupid about thinking that she is not sleeping around, because you know that she is.

 

Goof luck...

[doyathinkso]

Oh come on. She has a new boyfriend now, that's all.

 

Make a notch on your bedpost, chalk it up to experience, and move on.

[Zack_67]

Well, I agree with most of the "break up with her" comments"and I know deep inside that that's the way to go. When should I do so, though? Most of my (female) acquaintances tell me to ride it out and wait until she's home but I'm just having a hard time doing so.

 

She does text me constantly and initiate conversation, but the way I see it she just wants the cake and to eat it, too.

 

BTW I think I'll be moving this thread over to the LDR forum (didn't know there was one).

[BluesPower]

Look, would you please have some self respect. Please!

 

Send her a text, that says F*** off and enjoy your new BF. Then block her off everything and move on.

 

Then, go out and get laid, for Christ's sake.

 

What it is with you guys these days?

[OnlyHonesty]

Look, would you please have some self respect. Please!

 

Send her a text, that says F*** off and enjoy your new BF. Then block her off everything and move on.

 

Then, go out and get laid, for Christ's sake.

 

What it is with you guys these days?

 

 

What is with guys these days is the following. They listen to dating advice from females, they are afraid to walk away, often they end up acting like the woman in the relationship and they do not enforce boundaries due to lacking self esteem, self respect and not holding their partner to high enough standards.

 

They also lack the abundance mentality which is often at the core of such behavior.

[BluesPower]

Well, while I wish you were wrong, I think you are right.

 

Don't these young woman understand that when they cut the nuts off of males according to popular culture, that they don't end up being strong fathers or husbands?

 

It is like they are cutting their noses off to spite their faces.

 

I will never understand it...

[Space Ritual]

Sorry Zack,

 

The guy's mother seeing the picture and giving her approval was the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

 

In order for LDR's to work they take a boatload of trust and honesty, and it has to be practiced on a constant basis. I would concur that by her continuing to communicate with you that she is doing nothing more than cake eating.

 

I think your best course of action is to go no contact, and block her email address and any social media she has, because you will constantly be creeping on her page and it will just drive you more nuts when you see her posting wonderful pictures with Douchebaglio.

 

Sorry, for lack of a better term I came up with Douchebaglio for some odd reason...lol.

 

At any rate please do not hold your breath or have some long drawn out breakup, because you may lose your nerve and play the "Pick Me Dance" and that does nothing but make a woman lose respect for you.

 

Best to go dark and incommunicado..nothing says Goodbye like going completely silent.

 

You'll be ok:)

[road]

nuts when you see her posting wonderful pictures with Douchebaglio.

 

Sorry, for lack of a better term I came up with Douchebaglio for some odd reason.

 

 

Never apologize, it's in the dicktionary.

 

 

See if you would checked the dicktionary before posting you would of spelled Douchebagigolo the right way.

 

 

However there is no photo at this time because there are too many to Douchebagigolo choose from.

[road]

I should add, initially I had a few, minor trust issues. I come from a very chauvinistic and mysoginistic society, and though I've worked on freeing myself of that it's sometimes hard to shake off. What had me worried was that my GF used to say that she didn't like having sex and that she'd been with 2,3 sexual partners at most.

 

This didnt make sense to me as there were many cliched "signs" that in my society contradict that type of behavior; my GF is a smoker, a heavy drinker, she smokes weed, is very outgoing with lots of male friends, has many friends in the local art and music worlds, is inked, does runway modeling, was nearly abandoned by her father at the age of 8, I met her on Tinder, has had "crushes" and "flings" with many acquaintances (4 of them 2 of them close and none from the same social circle)...you get the picture.

 

I liked many of these about her (I drink and smoke weed, am a somewhat outsider musician and I dont see anything wrong about male/female acquaintances).

Also, when we began dating and weren't serious yet she popped a very weird question out of the blue...she asked what were my thoughts on open relationships and I told her that I didnt believe in them...after we agreed on going steady we pledged to being faithful to each other.

 

I got over the nagging feeling once I saw how sweet things were with her, and I never got any bad vibes before this happened.

 

 

 

Is she wife material?

 

 

She is not even GF material.

 

 

She knows how to play men.

 

 

She knows that men do not want women with a high number so she lies about her number.

 

 

How do I know she is lying?

 

 

Because of all the signs that you posted.

[Mrin]

1. It isn't good

 

2. There is nothing you can do from here to save it.

 

3. You can only push her further away by being all needy.

 

4. Let her come back to you. It I would expect and assume that she's seeing this guy in some fashion.

 

5. Anyone who causes trust issues is absolutely not worth it.