HeCantBreakMe Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I have been seeing a co-worker who I didn't know was married. No-one in he office knew. I found out. He hasn't been in the office for 2 months (he lives outside the UK). He is in the office today. Sitting 2 desks away from me. I'm ignoring him. It's so hard. Can you close your office door and turn on some good music? OR Music is a trigger for me so I have started listening to Podcasts - do you have an Iphone - turn something on and listen to something that makes you feel good or helps you to better continue understanding this situation. Also, remember to breathe when you start getting really anxious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Can you close your office door I reckon it's an open plan office. No door to close. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Take a sick day! Sorry that happened to you. How deep into the affair were you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hondababe Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 Yes open plan office. He's now gone to the other building but will be back tomorrow. I've been listening to motivational tunes on my iPhone but it interrupts my work concentration. I just want to go home and crawl under the covers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Yes open plan office. He's now gone to the other building but will be back tomorrow. I've been listening to motivational tunes on my iPhone but it interrupts my work concentration. I just want to go home and crawl under the covers. Put on some headphones and listen to music. Any way you can move where you sit? Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Sounds like he is trying to let you down easy, so as not to anger you and run the risk that you will cause trouble. He also leaves the door open to get in touch with you again sometime. Everything is on his terms. Honda, my dear, take this opportunity to get out of this relationship. Thank the universe for the chance to exit this A without a D-Day and before you have sunk more time in this pointless exercise. You can be one of the lucky ones who emerges relatively unscathed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hondababe Posted October 28, 2016 Author Share Posted October 28, 2016 Do any of you hear this one? You ask if this is just sex and they say it isn't. I've gone through this with him before and he always said no it's not about sex. About 8 weeks ago, after some crap I went through with him (long story), I decided to take control and made it clear that for me it was only sex, as how could it be anything else since he was married. I saw him this week and it threw me off kilter to be honest. The first night we had sex, 2nd night there was no sex, just hugs and curling up in each other's arms, and hugs. This is what has put me back on a rollercoaster. I had got it straight in my mind that it was for sex and I could deal with that. But that 2nd night had got to me. I emailed him today and said "in regards to me, is it just about sex for you?" He replied straight away "I hope I haven't given you this impression,. No it is not just about sex" help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sharona21 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Although my experience doesn't reflect this, IMO I don't think that even if it was just about the sex, he wouldn't admit that. I think MM having an affair aren't very honest to begin with and seem to have an easier time not disclosing how they really feel about the situation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Sharona put it very diplomatically. I say a MM will tell you almost anything to keep you interested. Poppy. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 In some cases, it is not all about sex, but let's face it is a huge draw for both parties involved. Genuine care and concern can emerge but don't bank on it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 It seems that sometimes the sex is the currency in the affair. Sexting, teasing, anticipation then sex. Then the attention is wanted again so the flattery starts up again. Maybe the anticipation is the exciting part? My wh said the mow would sleep with anyone, which made the whole thing easy. She really didn't mind that he was a selfish loser. In fact she encouraged it. So she promised sex. I'm sure it was fun at the time, but once he saw his behavior thru the eyes of his kids - getting oral sex from a 50yr old wife and mother when he was missing their events - nothing about it was sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Who knows? For some men it is for some it isnt......we just never really know. Actions can tell you if it is or isn't....but we never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Heard it all the time, but it was true. We had actual sex only a few times in 4 years, although we made love in many other physical and emotional ways. For us, we enjoyed intimacy and friendship, the orgasm wasn't the end all. He said he had his hand for that. We just enjoyed being with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Stop having Sex with him and see what happens. You'll probably find your answer really quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Yes it is just about sex. Not that he does not like or even care for you, but in the end it is about the sex. I have no idea why he did not make love the second night??? That is kind of weird. Would not have happened with someone like me. While I personally enjoy cuddle time before and after sex, well basically any time frankly. I just really enjoy cuddling. I will not be with a woman that does not like to cuddle. Yes most MM will lie like a dog for a lots of reasons. If you enjoy the sex, you can be a little pushy if his is not in the mood, and I think he will probably put out. I mean if you (Meaning him) don't want to get laid, don't come over. Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 I think MW in affairs can genuinely want to be loved, desired, appreciated, pursued and so forth in addition to the sex. I'm not sure why it is assumed married men can't want the same things. That they only want sex. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 OP, if your statement about the relationship being only about sex and sexual contact is accurate, and you own this statement, then act in accordance with it and eschew all other forms of contact. No cuddling, no being his marital sounding board, no breathless I love yous. Enjoy the sex when you desire it and that's it. Be consistent. You can't read his mind and the only part of his life that is verifiable is that he's married. So, go with that. He's married and you enjoy sex. Nothing new. If minds meet, OK. If not, not. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 MidKnightDreams... I don't disagree that MM want this sometimes, several here have posted as much. All I am saying is that most of the time it is about sex. I don't think that sex overshadows the needs of ego, and even cuddling and spending time together. For me, it was about sex, but it is not like I did not enjoy the time I spent with some of my OW's. I really enjoyed that with a lot of them. But I would not have been there is we were not sleeping together. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Yes it is just about sex. Not that he does not like or even care for you, but in the end it is about the sex. I have no idea why he did not make love the second night??? That is kind of weird. Would not have happened with someone like me. While I personally enjoy cuddle time before and after sex, well basically any time frankly. I just really enjoy cuddling. I will not be with a woman that does not like to cuddle. Yes most MM will lie like a dog for a lots of reasons. If you enjoy the sex, you can be a little pushy if his is not in the mood, and I think he will probably put out. I mean if you (Meaning him) don't want to get laid, don't come over. Good luck... Well he is probably not like you, not every man and not every woman are the same infact everybody is different, and seems this one is more sophisticated, more in love? More intelligent? sorry:( couldn't help due to your limited view and the generalisation that every man is like you-\i know every woman is not like me:) that fact that a man like you, who likes to brag about only using the woman for sex, never falling in love, and loving your wife while screwing around, says that this man is weird should be a "compliment" (in lack of better word, to the man under the microscope:o 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Wow, thanks for the constructive criticism. Just do you know, I am not proud of the women that I have hurt. However, they were not the only one that was used for sex. I do love my wife and I still may divorce her. You may want to read a few more of my posts if you care to in order to understand the full story. But you are correct, I was a real jerk for a long time. I am sure that your MM is much more sophisticated than me. I am a bit of a Neanderthal in many respects. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Wow, thanks for the constructive criticism. Just do you know, I am not proud of the women that I have hurt. However, they were not the only one that was used for sex. I do love my wife and I still may divorce her. You may want to read a few more of my posts if you care to in order to understand the full story. But you are correct, I was a real jerk for a long time. I am sure that your MM is much more sophisticated than me. I am a bit of a Neanderthal in many respects. The difference with Blues is that ---HE OWNS IT. He's gotten to a place of ownership for what he's done with no excuses. So yeah he may seem harsh but all the other MMS are just the same way but sugar coating it still. At least Blues is living authentically 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Although my experience doesn't reflect this, IMO I don't think that even if it was just about the sex, he wouldn't admit that. I think MM having an affair aren't very honest to begin with and seem to have an easier time not disclosing how they really feel about the situation. I am in the camp that all MM are different, and for some it is about sex and others not. For those that say that it isn't, it is possible that MM themselves want to believe it's not just about sex, even if that is a huge driver. For a MM to admit to himself that his A is only about sex and nothing more, he has to be willing to admit to himself that he is "that" guy who uses women just for sex. Very few men want to do that, as it is damaging to the self-concept that they are nice guys caught in a difficult situation. Affairs are based on lies, and the first person you have to lie to is yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 I am in the camp that all MM are different, and for some it is about sex and others not. For those that say that it isn't, it is possible that MM themselves want to believe it's not just about sex, even if that is a huge driver. For a MM to admit to himself that his A is only about sex and nothing more, he has to be willing to admit to himself that he is "that" guy who uses women just for sex. Very few men want to do that, as it is damaging to the self-concept that they are nice guys caught in a difficult situation. Affairs are based on lies, and the first person you have to lie to is yourself. I agree with the above. XMM built a whole princess/prince charming fairy tale for himself around the A. He used being "in love" and not being able to help himself as a justification for cheating. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 The difference with Blues is that ---HE OWNS IT. He's gotten to a place of ownership for what he's done with no excuses. So yeah he may seem harsh but all the other MMS are just the same way but sugar coating it still. At least Blues is living authentically Yes, but his posts are depressing for me when I read them. Link to post Share on other sites
Forever broken Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 I know you are all right. My head knows it, and I'm trying to get my heart there too. I'm finding it all extremely hard. I still have to work with this guy and he is seen as being extremely amazing in all that he does at work. Nobody there knows he's married. He can seemingly do no wrong. Yes it will not be easy working with him but you can if you keep it strictly professional and remain no contact. My ex married man and I are still working at the same place for more than a year now. Not easy but doable. Link to post Share on other sites
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