2 yrs after the fact, I still get tripped up on Sundays.

[dyna85]

I'm almost 2 years removed from the ending, yet not emotionally recovered yet. For some reason, I feel like each Sunday it hits me very hard. I start thinking about him and just negative aspects of my life pertaining to that situation and just in general terms.

 

I think it's because I have so much time to think on Sunday since it's a day of rest before the work week, but I've just been thinking about how most people had their ex at least provide some sort of closure and/or return in some capacity.

 

I was in a group setting this week (not a breakup group, but just a group setting) and some lady said 'they always come back' referring to exes, because some girl mentioned going through round 2 of a breakup, and it of course made me feel like - well damn, none of my exes have ever come back to me (not that I have many, but the very few that I have had have not returned).

 

I even had a friend, who had someone go awol for 8 months before returning, and that friend said to me 'well at least he came back,' like it meant that my friend is better than me for having the person return, when the person I'm getting over never so much as responded to me when I tried to seek an explanation in the end.

 

So this has me wondering - do you think less of a person if the person's ex never returned? I don't know why I'm seeking validation of this. I know I shouldn't, but it was just such a massive hurt and ego bruising that I experienced in enduring the pain of someone just giving me the cold shoulder and treating me like I didn't exist, that it has me constantly thinking negatively about myself.

 

I wonder, do you beat yourself up if your ex never returned? I guess I'm looking for stories of those who truly never had someone return. Ever.

 

It's taking a lot of courage for me to even post this since I feel like by expressing this, others will think less of me. However, I really need to get this off my chest and no better place than love shack, so here I go.

[FTM042014]

Hi there. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I've been there. Still am in smaller ways and I don't wish it on anyone. How long was the relationship? And how much work have you done on yourself in those two years? By work I mean examining the source of the lingering pain and diminished self worth. I've found that finding out why I grieve so deeply and why my sense of self is shattered in the wake of a breakup has been key to me finally beginning to move beyond the hurt.

 

Also, I have never had an ex girlfriend come back. I had one reach out to just say hello years ago but I was not interested in speaking with her at all. But I am the kind of person where though it takes a tremendous amount of time for me to move on, once I do you don't exist to me anymore. So I don't want them to come back.

 

You may want to take the time to figure out why this is so important to you. Have you honestly come to terms that it is over? Do you recognize your life separate from your former partner?

 

An ex is an ex usually for a reason, especially if you didn't choose to end the relationship. Shouldn't someone that is right for you always want to be there? And not come and go as they see fit? What does it say about ourselves when we are okay with this?

 

The girl I was involved with before last ended up marrying the person she dated right after me. My most recent ex girlfriend is now engaged to the guy she dated right after me. I still sometimes beat myself up about it and wonder well what the hell is wrong with me then? But I stop and remember all of the red flags they had that I ignored. And I begin to understand that it's not that there is something wrong with me that they don't want me. It's truly a good thing that women with their issues DO NOT consider me the one! That means they see their partners as messed up enough to stick around!

[dyna85]

FTM,

 

I appreciate your response and know what you mean with your last paragraph. I definitely felt this way about the guy I dated in college. He ended up marrying the person he dated right after me, and I am understanding of that, because in my heart, I knew he wasn't the one for me as I felt in my heart there wasn't a future for us, as hard as that breakup was at the time and as long as it took me to move through the tough emotions, since it was my first heartache.

 

However, this situation is a bit more complicated since it was really messed up how it ended, as there was a definite lack of closure, which is difficult for me to contend with, seeing that my heart can't seem to fully close the book on it. With my first bf, it was pretty open and shut, and I hoped he'd never come back because I knew I was meant for someone else and didn't appreciate how he treated me on the whole and in the end.

 

With this particular guy I'm still healing from, it was literally such a mind bender, and I guess being the analytical type that I am, I have spent a lot of time analyzing things and beating myself up and feeling like I messed up this golden opportunity - even though I know it wasn't what it seemed. Sadly. There was so much potential - but I guess I must accept that potential is not what is. And I have to not take all of the credit for the situation unfolding as it had.

 

I have my reasons for holding on to this person, but I know inevitably, I must just continue through the grieving process.

 

It's just a freaking long a$$ process and it hurts sometimes. Esp on weekends when I have mounds of time to think. During the work week, I'm distracted and I come home and I'm pooped, and it's still there, but it doesn't overwhelm me like it does on Sundays, when it's like I can't avoid it - it's all of those feelings that I need to face - and I just want to hide from them, but I can't.

 

As far as working on myself, I feel I have made some progress but I still have some ways to go.

 

Anyway, I listened to some music and had a nice cry last night. I'm sure that helped.

 

I thank you for your input.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Well I never had any of my exes return.. sometimes I wonder really if something is not wrong with me as well. I mean all my colleagues at work tell me stories how exes returned or how they talked about the old times together went for a cofee or something. And I just sit there and say to myself "Am I really that bad that nobody talks or gets back to just to say hi or something?"

 

I don't know anymore what is going on with me or the world but I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Just stay strong my friend that's what we are left with.

[erklat]

Hi, i remember reading your posts when I frequented this forum

more often . You should be in a better state by now. A few days

ago I found our pictures because one of my new friends asked

to see her. I looked at pictures and felt nothing.

 

As a dumper I returned to all my exes out of loneliness. As a dumpee -

she hasn't returned yet nor will it make any difference on the further

outcome of my life if she does.

 

Your worth comes from within .Nothing someone else says or does

will change it. Only you are responsible for it.

 

You are seeking validation still. Maybe you have some underlying

Issues and the breakup was just a catalyst?

 

You don't need other people to be a decent person !

[Zapbasket]

I can relate. None of my exes ever came back. Only one ever contacted me after the breakup--he left me a voice mail and said he was calling to say "hi" and "hoped we could talk in the near future." I never called back because he just hurt me too much, and he never tried again. But after the next two bf's didn't even ever call, I find some solace in the call from that first ex, lame as that may sound.

 

I think you have to consider what it says about your ex that he could leave a relationship abruptly, with no sense of closure on your end. Healthy, mature people are clear in their communication throughout the relationship, so if things aren't going well in their eyes, you usually have some idea because they've tried to bring up the issues with you. In cases like this, sure, the breakup hurts, but you don't have the added suffering of wondering, reeling in confusion, etc.

 

You also have to ask yourself what kind of "closure" you feel you can only get from your ex. Perhaps it's not your ex who provides that missing piece, but you. I have found with my most recent breakup that this missing piece was a whole re-wiring, through therapy, of what I feel I deserve in a relationship and how to set boundaries so that I am making sure my needs are being met.

 

I also know that even with doing this work--and I have worked HARD--there's still lingering pain when someone just seems to drop you like a hot potato and maybe also never put any effort in, or not much, when you were in the relationship. It's what my Chilean friend says is called in Spanish, "bajio mentalidad" (I think I spelled that correctly--I don't speak Spanish). She translated it as "jizz mentality," just lazy, not really going after things, just sort-of being there but always keeping things amorphous. Basically, a drifter in life and specifically where relationships are concerned, an emotional drifter, who cannot really commit wholeheartedly to another person or really to anything. This definitely describes my most recent ex.

 

If this applies at all to your ex, or something similar, you have to ask yourself if you *really* want to be with someone like that, when there are people out in the world who go after what they want, are clear about what they want, and value their commitments and relationships as unique and precious and don't just throw things away. Wouldn't that be SO MUCH more amazing than anything you could have had with your ex?

 

As for how to get over that feeling of rejection, and the shock of how easily throw-away-able you were to that person, well, I'm STILL working through that. But it's much better than it was, which suggests it will keep getting better. Same for you. I know it's really hard.

[FTM042014]

 

As for how to get over that feeling of rejection, and the shock of how easily throw-away-able you were to that person, well, I'm STILL working through that. But it's much better than it was, which suggests it will keep getting better. Same for you. I know it's really hard.

 

This is by far the most difficult part. I think even the strongest, most confident person gets stuck on this. I've reconciled most of the pain from being dumped but that shock lingers like bad Thai food. Particularly if you see them move on with someone else rather swiftly and that relationship lasts. Ouch.

[dyna85]

So, it's Monday, and I took the day off work, and of course, feeling lonely and all that jazz, I decided to visit my favorite forum ever. Found myself thinking of my ex most of this past weekend, even though I am coming up on 2 years after being thrown to the wayside, via text, to never hear from the person again.

 

Heart..please stahp. God, your username truly says it all. But yes, it is quite bizarre being in that small category of people who never have the person return. I did have my first ex come back after a few wks to tell me not to be a stranger, only to preclude him stringing me along for a few more wks before it finally was severed for good. But that ex went on to get married to the girl he dated after me. The person who brought me to the site, I'm sure he's had his fair share of hookups if not relationships since me, and never once has he said a word. It was as though I didn't exist. Even in the end, all of my feelings weren't acknowledged but were rather brushed to the side, like I was nothing. He erased me in one text. That was it.

 

Thanks for reminding me to be strong. Much power to you in your journey as well. It sure is tough times lately, with this grief I've been enduring.

 

Erklat, I know. It's messed up that I'm still in a bad way. I know this situation was a wake up call in many respects, and it's uprooted much of the way I was living - in some good ways, in some frightening ways. Yes, I know what you mean about seeking validation. However - and I don't mean this as an excuse, but to be left hanging is really a bit torturous to think about at times. If you're the one doing the leaving hanging, you don't think about it much and you just go about your life like nothing is wrong, like you just went over a bump in the road. Yet, when you're left hanging, you feel like that bump in the road, and people keep running over you like nothing.

I keep trying to move forward, and then I get hit with this wave of emotions that keeps returning.

 

Greencove, I relate to your posts too and I appreciate the feedback. I think it's just that feeling of being the throwaway option and wondering if that's me - if I am just a devalued throwaway as evidenced by this experience. It's a lot more than just this experience too, with having issues with friends and family members, and having them turn their backs on me without a second thought. I just don't know to whom I'm not a throwaway anymore, other than to myself. It's like this experience has so many layers to it. Like erklat states, it was a definite catalyst, to so much. It wasn't just this one person ignoring me, it was followed by other people - people I trusted and cared about and valued and thought would always be in my life. It now feels like I'm on this island by myself, with no anchor but myself, and I sometimes wonder - is this all there is? People I never thought could betray my trust have - actually those who I valued more than anything.

 

In the past, I was able to prop myself up after a negative experience, but this one just caused my life to spiral downward in so many ways. There's so many other things I'm not even mentioning here. It's just too deep. Yet, a lot of negative things have transpired since this particular event two years ago. My mindset is not the same. There's not that positive energy I once had. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I feel very lost anymore.

[niji]

But yes, it is quite bizarre being in that small category of people who never have the person return.

 

I don't know if there's ever a study on this, but I for one don't believe that most people return. Maybe you've just heard from a skewed sample. Relationships end for a reason, and even if the person who left ends up returning, it doesn't mean the relationship will just work out.

 

When I decided to leave, I had 0 intention of returning, ever. I'm not the type to make rash decisions when it comes to major ones, and I thought through the decision to leave for quite a while (we're talking months/year). If I had any slightest doubt that I may want to remain with my ex, I would have stayed and tried to work it out, but because I was absolutely sure I wanted to leave, I left. And all I wanted was that he could move on and find a better person. I'm not being hypocritical with the whole "you're too good for me" stuff. We were evenly matched in pretty much all categories so there's no such thing there. I wanted him to be with someone who deserved him more, as in, someone who loved him more than I ever could. Because no one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love them. And your ex not "returning" means nothing when it comes to your value as a person. Til this day, I will have nothing but praises and respect for my ex, but I will not return to him. The two issues are not related.

 

And think about it... if they do return, why would you want them back? Is it because this time around you'll be able to solve an issue you couldn't in the past? Relationships fall apart more often than not due to numerous issues, and you can't change who a person is, so... Hoping they'd return, and hoping it'd work out, is just wishful thinking.

 

FYI, the person who leaves may not be as calm as you think. I still check on my ex's profile once in a while, because I felt somewhat responsible if he doesn't find the happiness he *may* have had with me (I'll just be miserable, haha). And every time everything seems OK, I breathe a sigh of relief. That person who leaves, they may or may not ever find peace (unless the other party has some major unforgiveable flaws like cheating, lying, emotional/physical abuse, etc then of course one has got to leave).

Edited October 17, 2016 by niji

[dyna85]

Niji, thank you so much for that perspective. You seem like an extremely decent human being to have such a balanced perspective on the whole situation with your ex, and better you than I to be able to cope with being the dumper. I don't think I could ever be a dumper. I've tried, and failed, because I always feel such tremendous guilt and like I'm doing such hurt to the other person, and it just gets to a point that I go back, and eventually the other person leaves. So it's like, it's not working, but I want it to work so bad, so I try and try, and I've left, gone back, and then been left.

 

I think in my case, what hurts is the way it has ended. Like, it's one thing to be respectful and be like 'look, it's not working and we both know it's not working and we both deserve to find someone who better suits us and is more compatible.' It's a whole other thing to string someone along like my first ex did, where he was a complete jerk in the end, acting like he wanted to be friends and then not giving a damn, and playing games with my feelings - when I had been fine with just leaving it be. He got me sucked in for unnecessary drama, leaving me very wounded for a very long time.

 

Then, I got over that - I moved on - of course it still annoys me that he had the upper hand in the end by stringing me along and doing a bait and switch - that was over 10 yrs ago. See - it doesn't just go away. Like, I am glad we both parted ways since we both deserve better, but I'm still annoyed at how I was treated, with no apology.

 

In this particular situation - the one from 2 yrs ago - it was even worse, because there was not even a final discussion. He just dropped me via text and said nothing at all when I replied. It was as though I was so meaningless that my feelings were not even worth acknowledgement. It's like, imagine someone you really like saying goodbye to you and not giving you that chance to say anything, and having the door slam you in the face.

 

That's what really gets me more than anything.

I get that there were issues there. I realize that it wasn't 'jiving.' Then again, I think when conflict arises, sometimes two people can work through it. I mean, not all relationships are smooth sailing the whole way through. I'm pretty sure if you're human, you're going to face conflict with others in relationships.

 

The problem I have is being dismissed, ignored, and just being rejected on a whole other level than I've ever been rejected. It was like being given the cold shoulder x infinity. Like, I've had people ignore me and then eventually, say something. They don't just ignore me and delete me and act like I'm a non entity and don't exist. Well, until this situation, I hadn't had this happen with someone where there were feelings involved to this degree.

 

So in this case, returning is not about making it work and solving the problem. It's about tying up a loose end that was left forever hanging that is very difficult for me to emotionally close.

 

It's one of those things that honestly, I don't think anyone would understand without having experienced it.

 

I've gone through a rough breakup many yrs ago, and it did not leave me feeling so unresolved and with such lingering feelings of lack of resolution.

 

It's not that I expect the person to come back and for everything to be ok. I just want to be heard and acknowledged as a human being.

[niji]

The problem I have is being dismissed, ignored, and just being rejected on a whole other level than I've ever been rejected. It was like being given the cold shoulder x infinity.

 

I can't say "I understand" because I don't (this was ingrained in our brains in class - don't say "I understand..." if you haven't experienced what others have), but I can see where you're coming from. In fact, I have a friend whose situation was almost like this. She met a guy who was super into her, approached her first, pursued her, made promises of a future to her, then all of a sudden left her saying he needs to "take a break". No explanation, broke up over text, out of nowhere. She was quite shocked that when I asked what happened, she said she had no idea.

 

Later, after he already had a new girlfriend (about 1 month after ), he went around saying he left her because she "wanted to get married really bad", which is quite insulting because my friend was pretty, smart, from a relatively well-off family, and would never need to "get married really bad" (she's in her late 20s with no intention of getting married soon even though there are quite a few people who are interested). Sounds like he has a really bad case of commitment phobia to me.

 

As you can see, there's nothing wrong with you or my friend, it's the other person that left you. I can tell you that in my case, it wasn't my ex, it was me; I bottled up some discontentment I had to the point of it imploding and eventually fell out of love with him, when he could have fixed the minor problems had I brought them up. So, keep your head up and keep walking - you don't deserve to be with someone who can't even give you closure. Everyone has their own problems, maybe your ex has some sort of insecurity he couldn't express/tell you. One thing we know for sure, is that he doesn't deserve to be with you, period.

[dyna85]

Wow niji, you are so kind and helpful, and your post is so encouraging. Thank you so much for your feedback. It definitely sounds like your friend and I had somewhat similar experiences for sure. It is interesting too that the guy who cowardly broke it off with her via text got with someone a month later. Sounds like the guy who left me, considering without a doubt he was at minimum hooking up with someone a month later (not that I know for sure, but I'm pretty sure on a gut level, judging on his past behavior).

 

It's definitely part commitment issues, part emotional immaturity, and other issues. The thing is, I definitely made some mistakes that I can see clearly now, and of course hindsight is always 20/20. If anything, I feel I definitely would have been further ahead in my recovery had he at least allowed for a final word, versus just coldly ignoring me. However, I realize that I need to just change my internal dialogue and realize that I can't force someone to communicate with me, and so much time has passed, that I really need to work on putting this behind me. I appreciate you saying that it's not me and is the person who left, but I definitely do acknowledge that I made some mistakes, but I can only learn from them. At the same time, I think the way he handled this situation was horrible, and finding forgiveness is another struggle, since it definitely still incenses me.

 

I appreciate your support and your sharing about your experience with your ex. It sounds like a case of it simply not being meant to be. There's a reason why you ended it with him and one day it will all make sense to both of you. That's typically what I've found from past experiences. It's all a learning experience. Obviously he's not the one for you, and one day you'll both be appreciative for the ending of that relationship.

 

Well, thanks again.

[Zapbasket]

As you can see, there's nothing wrong with you or my friend, it's the other person that left you. I can tell you that in my case, it wasn't my ex, it was me; I bottled up some discontentment I had to the point of it imploding and eventually fell out of love with him, when he could have fixed the minor problems had I brought them up. So, keep your head up and keep walking - you don't deserve to be with someone who can't even give you closure. Everyone has their own problems, maybe your ex has some sort of insecurity he couldn't express/tell you. One thing we know for sure, is that he doesn't deserve to be with you, period.

 

I was left abruptly and surprisingly by my ex like the OP was. And what you say here plays into that fear that's created when someone leaves like that, about your value and such. You're saying it was *you*, but the truth is, from your other post on this thread it sounds like you didn't love him *enough* to try to work out the issues. Because if what you list here is the issue, that's completely workable; it seems a bit short-sighted to just cut off the whole relationship because you kept your discontent bottled up. Un-bottle it, is the solution. No? It sounds like the bottom line is what people like OP and I, and possibly your ex, as well, feared most: that you just didn't love him ENOUGH.

 

OP, I really identify with your struggle. It's torture not to ever really know WHY, and as you say, when it's not just that one ex, but others in your life who seem to just drop you without a care (I've had that, too), it makes you wonder if there is something lacking in you. I've viewed it as a wake-up call that I am allowing the wrong people into my life, and that I need to be more conscious about who gets my time and care...but it's hard when you're just left, like it was nothing. It makes you doubt that you'll ever have someone who just sticks by you and commits to examining and working out the difficulties, rather than just leaving. I don't believe things are "meant to be" or "not meant to be," but rather that people are lazy and don't want to have to change their style even if it's dysfunctional, such as bottling up all your feelings and "expressing" them at last via a break-up.