Another Statistic

[BlessingWithin]

Warning: this may be long.

 

Good evening. I first found these forums several years ago when my then-husband cheated on me. I was in desperate need of support, but too embarrassed to turn to my family or even close friends. I read many a posts here and found a lot of useful information. Needless to say, I divorced him and moved on with my life.

 

Fast forward to now, I find myself here today on the opposite side of the fence. I have fallen in love with a MM. Although he claims to have separated and living apart from his wife during the majority of our time together, he never filed for divorce - as he promised so many times he would. Last night he ended our almost three-year relationship. I am completely heartbroken.

 

I have read many stories about MM here, I guess mine isn't much different. Except, I thought I was special. I truly believed he loved me. I truly believed we'd have our happy ending. I allowed myself to get wrapped up in this fantasy, to fall completely in love, and to believe he was The One. How much more pathetic and stupid could I be?

 

I first met exmm 16 years ago during a brief separation from my exhusband (we had issues from early in our marriage). I was honest with him, explained my situation and told him I still loved my exhusband. We somehow became fast friends. He developed feelings for me, but on one of our outings we got into a minor disagreement about something petty. It quickly escalated into a full blown argument. I asked him to take me home. We argued all the way home and in the car in my driveway. And some more on the phone once he got home. I decided to take a breather from him after that evening. Not much later, my exhusband and I reconciled. Exmm never called me again.

 

Fast-forward ten years, we found each other on social media. At this point, I had two DD's and my marriage was on the rocks. My exmm was now married with a child of his own. He immediately asked me to lunch to catch up. Although I was hesitant, given our situations, I agreed. I actually found myself looking forward to it, and even a bit nervous.

 

The next day we met at a casual eatery. I immediately felt the nostalgia as soon as I laid eyes on him. We were both a bit nervous, but he teased that he was still a bit annoyed by our last argument. It became our inside joke from that point forward. We had the same great times we had always had. It was like we never skipped a beat. The chemistry was obviously there. He asked me to lunch again and my phone number.

 

Not long after that, we met for lunch every few weeks and we would text regularly. Mostly light hearted, humerous chats. He's very charming with an amazing sense of humor. Even though I was never particularly physically attracted to him up to this point.. it was his kindness, positivity, and that sense of humor that drew me in! He understood me and always knew exactly what to say.

 

I had officially separated from my then-husband later that year and was completely divorced by late 2011. My exmm and I had continued to talk and have lunch during this time frame, although much less. After my divorce, I decided to take at least a year to myself to heal from my miserably-failed marriage and all the damage it caused. I confinded in my exmm of my plans not to date and to focus on myself and my DD's. I don't know if it was my perception of things, but it seemed like he and I grew closer during this time. I turned to him when I was feeling down. He knew exactly what to say, we're both fairly spiritual. He became my comfort zone, my safety. By the end of 2012, it suddenly dawned on me that I was falling for this man. I would think of him (a lot!) and a cheesy grin would always appear on my face. I was evening having dreams of him.

 

During one of his invitations to lunch, I politely declined and told him what I though I was beginning to feel. Knowing he was married, I told him it was best that I take another breather from him to resolve my feelings. He didn't agree with me and was a little hurt when I decided to go No Contact for a few weeks. I had been married, and cheated on, I didn't want to go there.. I knew falling for him was wrong.

 

Come 2013, I decided to make a fresh start and went on a few dates with a couple of different men. Nothing panned out, but I wasn't too bothered as I was taking my time and still doing some healing. By the middle of that year, exmm began contacting me again, and although I'd chat with him (mostly sms), I declined his every invitation to lunch.. until he invited me to celebrate his bday lunch towards the end of the year. At this point, it had been almost a year since I'd seen him last, and it was his bday.. I thought I'd be okay.

 

Seeing him that day was like seeing him for the first since our decade long breather. Only this time I was completely attracted to him. I hadn't realized how much I had missed him until I saw him and he hugged me. The chemistry was undeniable. So much for taking the time to resolve my feelings for him. He'd said he was having problems at home. After that lunch, he began to actively persue me and I began to be more open about allowing it. By the end of the month, we were communicating daily and seeing each other at least a couple evenings a week.

 

On NYE I received an email from his wife. She had searched his phone while he was in the shower and saw all of our communication. I did not respond and I had not heard from him until late the following day. He simply said it would be best for everyone if we no longer communicated and wished me well. Just like that. I did not respond. I was hurt and sad, but I felt stupid, mostly. A few days into 2014, he sends me an sms apologizing and asking to meet. I waited a bit, but agreed. He came over to my home, apologized profusely, explained the situation, declared he no longer loved his wife and claimed he only stayed for his young son. I decided to believe him and our affair officially began.

 

I broke up with him a few times over the next several months as I would constantly wrestle with my conscious, because he was still living in their marital home. But we would always reassure me of his feelings for me and his intentions towards separation and divorce from his wife. By April of that year, he declared his love for me and I reciprocated. He moved out of their home in late Summer, only to move to a nearby town for temporary work. In early 2015 he directly moved across the country and remained there until late that year. During this time, he'd fly me out there or he'd visit me here. It was difficult and we had several ups and downs, but we made the long distance work for us.

 

We continued our relationship once he returned to town towards the end of 2015. During the last year we'd been intimate, he'd met my family, we'd taken trips, he talked about marriage, and even having our own child, and a future. We made many a plans, most of which were initiated by him. But it's been rough at times. He's been in and out of employment since, and he's used that as a reason not to or delay filing for divorce. And although I have met his friends, he has not taken me to meet his family. We have run into his siblings during our outtings, where he's 'forced' to make the introductions. But he always only uses my name. Huge, waving, slap you in your face, red flags.. I know.

 

Yesterday, we were celebrating a family member's bday at their home. We were taking group pics and I asked exmm to take a pi of me and a few family members. Others were taking pictures of us as well. At some point while he had my phone, he saw text conversations between me and a male friend of mine. Which I don't mind because I have nothing to hide and he and I are clearly just friends.

 

He became extremely upset that I had not disclosed my friendship with this guy to him. That we texted during a few days where exmm was giving me the silent treatment (for a petty reason). He felt replaced, disrespected, and he broke up with me. I should add that he has a lock on his phone and is rather shady with it.

 

I did apologize to him as I felt bad, and I asked him to reconsider ending things for us. But he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, wished me well, and has not spoken with me at all since yesterday. He's ignored the two messages I sent him today.

 

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just a supportive ear. But I am so incredibly hurt. Almost 3 years of my life. I know I'm also at fault for where I stand now. I just wish I knew how to stop loving this man and finally move on.

 

I'm sorry for the length, but thank you for reading.

Edited September 26, 2016 by BlessingWithin

[DKT3]

It's kinda confusing and all over the place but what I get is this guy has been in the background during most of your marriage, call it what you will. But it was an affair all those years back.

[BluesPower]

He is just like every other married man.

 

While I am sure that he like you are lot, this is not going to go anywhere.

 

You really need to lose him. All of his behavior is typical MM Bulls***.

 

I think you know that, you just really need to let him go and keep him out of your life. If you are young enough to still have kids, you are way more than young enough to start fresh with someone new. At the very least, you have only really wasted 3 years. That is not too much time to recover from.

 

He has basically been lying to you the whole time. You really just need to realize this and move on.

 

Good luck...

[BuddyX]

It's called a push pull. He'll be back.

 

But the question you need to ask yourself is why you're involved with a MM? The reason why he has a lock on his phone is because he's texting his wife and doesnt want you to see it. He's still married, and won't get a divorce. Deep down inside you know that.

 

What I don't get is why do you need this in your life? You said it yourself, that you need space and break from men and dating.

[Satu]

He's where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

She gets him, you get a broken heart.

 

 

Take care.

[grassisorisntgreener]

It looks like he's been waiting for the opportunity to end it and make it your fault, so he took an innocent text conversation and turned it into something it wasn't.

 

Now he gets to go back home and not worry about you pressuring him to make a decision about his life.

 

Typical. Sadly so typical.

[BlessingWithin]

Good morning and thank you kindly for the responses.

 

Buddy X - I am almost certain he will not be back this time. I should be thankful for that, but it's still so painful to contend with.

 

Blues Power - I'm no spring chicken, but may still have a couple child-bearing years left. Which also makes me sad.. the thought of that window closing. But, a fresh start away from this man is definitely what I need to focus on now.

 

Satu - Thank you for putting it so bluntly. Perhaps seeing the words spelled out right in front of me is what I need to get it through my thick skull. It makes perfect sense, yet I still love him. It's incredibly frustrating.

 

Grass - I thought about this and quickly brushed it off because it was too painful to accept. Either way, the result is the same.. things are over.

 

I made an appointment to see a therapist soon.. I'm heartbroken, my self esteem is out the window, and I barely have the motivation to leave the house.

[BluesPower]

I am so sorry that you are feeling that way.

 

It really will be the best thing in the long run.

 

Try to hang in there, and just move forward...

[Satu]

Going into therapy is absolutely the best thing to do.

 

I also recommend keeping a journal and writing about your thoughts and feelings.

 

Keep on posting here.

 

You'll be OK.

 

It gets easier.

 

 

Take care.

[NTV]

It sounds like this MM is actually a piece of your old marriage that you never buried. My advice: Let him and your ex-husband go forever, and actually start living a new life.

[BlessingWithin]

NTV - The crazy thing is that as long as I was married to, and as deeply in love as I was with my exh during our marriage, I came to love my exmm even deeper. I honestly came to believe exmm was the ONE.. stupid, I know now. But I have never felt a love this deep and intense. The thought of letting him go is daunting, but I know it's for the best... at least that's what I feel this very second. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster right now.. This morning I woke up feeling so dejected and wanting him back. I'm well over my exh and genuinely wish him well. I need to get to this point with exmm.

 

Blues & Satu - Thank you for the support, it is greatly appreciated. I will have to give journaling a try. I will try just about anything right now.