Cheated on boyfriend of 7 1/2 years

[jvics22]

My guy A and I have been together for 7 1/2 years... first few were rocky ( he cheated a lot, moved out on me without a word)... During this time, when we were not together I met someone new, guy B... Dated him for a few months, A came back into the picture... Back and forth between the two for a year and half because they both were not ready to be in a relationship either....

 

Around 3 years ago guy A was really showing change, growth, maturity.. Guy B, not so much.... I decided I wanted to invest my time in my longterm and just remain friends with the newer one ( guy b)...

 

For the last 3 years I have been very happy with my longterm... As the years rolled on, we kept becoming closer and more committed.. to the point we were looking for houses.....

 

However, I kept a secret from him.... I had still been talking to guy b behind his back.... Neither of them knew about the other... Guy B was just a platonic relationship, however he always wanted more than a friendship.. We would talk often but when he got frustrated it wasn't going anywhere he would stop talking to me for a while only to pick up again with the friendship....

 

Guy B saw my boyfriend and I leaving my house and since I had been keeping him in the dark for so long, he did not appreciate it at.. He text me telling me I am an awful person and will ruin everything for me.....

 

I was a nervous wreck.. For days I was trying to figure out how to break it to my boyfriend that I had been talking to my ex on the side all this time... Although i was not sleeping or hooking up with the other guy, i came to realize I was the cheater emotionally ...I was acting out of character for days due to nerves and my boyfriend knew it, kept asking me what was wrong.. Before I even got a chance to speak to him, he must of figured it out and blocked me and never came home that night.. We didn't live together but have each others keys..... After I finally got ahold of him the next morning he was so angry he barely would talk to me... I told him everything... He said we were through... then asked questions.. he said he needed time to figure out what h wanted to do.. time where he didn't want me coming over and bothering him so he took his keys back but kept mine.... he asked me not to reach out to him in any which way and when he decides he will reach out to me ...then said he would talk to the other guy... he did. do not know what the outcome of that conversation was....

 

I left him alone for a few days only to go completely crazy yesterday calling him from another phone, texting him, ringing his bell.. this made him so angry! .. rightfully so.. I just got worried about what they discussed.....he kept texting me back saying stop... i do not want to talk to you. stop texting me calling me and ringing my bell unannounced....if one day i choose to speak to you for any reason i will let you know your lucky I'm talking to you now.. i kept asking him to tell me if he decided if we were over and he kept telling me the same stuff no calling no texting i don't want to speak to you... finally he said " no we are over i want nothing to do with you i don't need time to decide you decided for us".... called him and he answered immediately.... he was so angry saying i was dating this other guy i told him we were just friends he said i am such a good liar i deserve an award.... he eventually hung up on me telling me to leave him alone or he will call the police ( I'm not being in denial when i say that he literally ALWAYS says this even if we are in the same room and he's mad at me... its his way of saying he reached his anger threshold back off) ... he followed it with " i do not wish to speak to you at this moment. If i choose to speak to you at all i will let you know. Again I am asking you very very nicely to stop all forms of contact at this moment"

 

 

I know i went crazy and broke the agreement we had that he will contact me when he decides.... I was just so worried that their conversation may have pushed him further away...... I am analyzing everything in those texts because I'm so nervous over it being over for good..... I know now that he is beyond hurt and angry and he needs so much time to cool off.... I am worried that he will not contact me.. he will not reach out to me... we may never speak again... we shared so much together, basically lived together, slept next to each other EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, have a dog, so many of each others belongings..... Maybe I am looking for other people to tell me the same thing everyone else said..... " give him time to cool off, he's so angry that he's lashing out and saying things he doesn't mean because you won't leave him alone".

 

 

help

[JewelD]

Well, this is what happens when you try to have your cake and eat it too.

 

If you were so happy with your boyfriend then why were you keeping this guy on the side? You knew exactly what he wanted from you so it was not a platonic friendship.

 

He said he was done so you should believe that part and respect it. If he has any self-respect he will not resume a relationship with you. I don't think you should be sitting around waiting for his call regardless. You didn't choose to cut the second guy off, he found out what you were doing. so really you were content with continuing like this for as long as you could keep up the charade.

 

If it didn't dawn on you that what you were doing was wrong until you got caught, you're better off just letting this guy go and live his life.

[Space Ritual]

help

 

If you want help you are going to have to understand a thing or two.

 

The following may sound harsh to you, but I don't blow smoke up people's arses, and I'm sure no going to start now.

 

Please, please,please, stop making this crap all about you. That's exactly why you wound up in the foolish predicament you are in...because it's all about you.

 

You made no mistake, you undertook a conscious effort for an extended period of time to obfuscate the truth from someone you profess to love.Then when discovered, you acted out of total desperation and not in any way that would remotely resemble remorse.

 

The first thing you need to realize is that you need to let go of the outcome. whether he talks to you ever again or not, it is HIS choice, and not yours. If you continue to try to blow his phone up or ring his doorbell you are showing him that you don't care about how he feels, just that you care more about saving your own skin. When we act out of desperation, we tend to show people who we really are.

 

So for the present, do not try to contact him in any way shape or form. Let him be. If he wants to talk to you, let it be of his own accord.

 

Finally, and probably most importantly, you need to dig deep and to find out why you engage in such self sabotaging behavior. If not for the relationship, then for yourself. You need to become a safe person to be around, so the next relationship you engage in does not end in such a sad fashion.

 

Please just let him be for awhile. You are doing far more harm than good for yourself by not honoring his wishes. It will come off as selfish in the extreme to him, and if you come off that way any more than you already have, you'll not have a shot in hell with him.

 

I don't particularly like being harsh, however sometimes someone comes along that could probably really benefit from a more direct approach long term, and I really think you could.

 

Good Luck.

[MrMeh]

...we shared so much together, basically lived together, slept next to each other EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, have a dog, so many of each others belongings...

 

He's probably thinking the same thing, which is why I think he isn't coming back.

[Poutrew]

I can just hear my dear departed grandmother tsk tsking in the background, and saying, "My my, what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive." Yeah, she would literally say things like that, just like an 19th century school marm - of which she was... and she'd be right. Deception always leads down dark pathways. I hope you can respect the decision your boyfriend ultimately decides, and if he does decide to take you back, to make sure he knows you will never forget how to be thankful.

[smackie9]

Men are more likely to forgive an emotional affair over a physical one. Just give him time to miss you.

[Buddhist]

Damage control was what you could have done by dumping the other guy once your relationship got stable. There is no opportunity for that now. I'd prepare myself for single life again if I were you.

[Miss Clavel]

My guy A and I have been together for 7 1/2 years... first few were rocky ( he cheated a lot, moved out on me without a word)... During this time, when we were not together I met someone new, guy B... Dated him for a few months, A came back into the picture... Back and forth between the two for a year and half because they both were not ready to be in a relationship either....

 

Around 3 years ago guy A was really showing change, growth, maturity.. Guy B, not so much.... I decided I wanted to invest my time in my longterm and just remain friends with the newer one ( guy b)...

 

For the last 3 years I have been very happy with my longterm... As the years rolled on, we kept becoming closer and more committed.. to the point we were looking for houses.....

 

However, I kept a secret from him.... I had still been talking to guy b behind his back.... Neither of them knew about the other... Guy B was just a platonic relationship, however he always wanted more than a friendship.. We would talk often but when he got frustrated it wasn't going anywhere he would stop talking to me for a while only to pick up again with the friendship....

 

Guy B saw my boyfriend and I leaving my house and since I had been keeping him in the dark for so long, he did not appreciate it at.. He text me telling me I am an awful person and will ruin everything for me.....

 

I was a nervous wreck.. For days I was trying to figure out how to break it to my boyfriend that I had been talking to my ex on the side all this time... Although i was not sleeping or hooking up with the other guy, i came to realize I was the cheater emotionally ...I was acting out of character for days due to nerves and my boyfriend knew it, kept asking me what was wrong.. Before I even got a chance to speak to him, he must of figured it out and blocked me and never came home that night.. We didn't live together but have each others keys..... After I finally got ahold of him the next morning he was so angry he barely would talk to me... I told him everything... He said we were through... then asked questions.. he said he needed time to figure out what h wanted to do.. time where he didn't want me coming over and bothering him so he took his keys back but kept mine.... he asked me not to reach out to him in any which way and when he decides he will reach out to me ...then said he would talk to the other guy... he did. do not know what the outcome of that conversation was....

 

I left him alone for a few days only to go completely crazy yesterday calling him from another phone, texting him, ringing his bell.. this made him so angry! .. rightfully so.. I just got worried about what they discussed.....he kept texting me back saying stop... i do not want to talk to you. stop texting me calling me and ringing my bell unannounced....if one day i choose to speak to you for any reason i will let you know your lucky I'm talking to you now.. i kept asking him to tell me if he decided if we were over and he kept telling me the same stuff no calling no texting i don't want to speak to you... finally he said " no we are over i want nothing to do with you i don't need time to decide you decided for us".... called him and he answered immediately.... he was so angry saying i was dating this other guy i told him we were just friends he said i am such a good liar i deserve an award.... he eventually hung up on me telling me to leave him alone or he will call the police ( I'm not being in denial when i say that he literally ALWAYS says this even if we are in the same room and he's mad at me... its his way of saying he reached his anger threshold back off) ... he followed it with " i do not wish to speak to you at this moment. If i choose to speak to you at all i will let you know. Again I am asking you very very nicely to stop all forms of contact at this moment"

 

 

I know i went crazy and broke the agreement we had that he will contact me when he decides.... I was just so worried that their conversation may have pushed him further away...... I am analyzing everything in those texts because I'm so nervous over it being over for good..... I know now that he is beyond hurt and angry and he needs so much time to cool off.... I am worried that he will not contact me.. he will not reach out to me... we may never speak again... we shared so much together, basically lived together, slept next to each other EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, have a dog, so many of each others belongings..... Maybe I am looking for other people to tell me the same thing everyone else said..... " give him time to cool off, he's so angry that he's lashing out and saying things he doesn't mean because you won't leave him alone".

 

 

help

i think you need mrs' adams. she's around here somewhere.

 

let's face it. you don't have a ring on your finger and you're not married.

 

leave him alone. i have a feeling he will come back. this might be the push. if you catch my drift.

 

i'd be inclined to ask "B" what he told "A". but then he'd just tell "A" that you're in contact.

 

if he comes back, it will be because he's convinced that "B" was second choice. that you kept him around because "A" wouldn't make a commitment. yes, a house is a commitment, but it's not a RING.

 

if and when "A" gets back to you. don't babble, don't gravel, if you do it will set the tone for the rest of your relationship, you kiss his ass, he gets his way because he "forgave" you, he's a saint.

 

just answer what he wants to know. that there was no affair. no EA, no PA. just a vague back up plan. and i'd even say that "B" knew this and that's why he's trying to wreck your lives. i mean, why not blame the one holding the grapes? after all, there sour, right?

 

 

i think you've got a shot. ask mrs. adams.

 

good luck

[DKT3]

I don't know, it's really hard to believe you are being honest. I mean three years of no sex and this B guy is still hanging around.... doubtful. More importantly, no way the A guy will believe this at all.

 

I also disagree about you having much of a chance, this A guy isn't thinking about it, his mind is made and is cutting you from his life, he seems to just be avoiding the get the F out of my life drama that would surely come if he was totally honest with you.

[road]

I don't know, it's really hard to believe you are being honest. I mean three years of no sex and this B guy is still hanging around.... doubtful. More importantly, no way the A guy will believe this at all.

 

I also disagree about you having much of a chance, this A guy isn't thinking about it, his mind is made and is cutting you from his life, he seems to just be avoiding the get the F out of my life drama that would surely come if he was totally honest with you.

 

OP, is this the Bill Clinton defense of I did not have sex?

 

 

So for three years, you're saying you never held hands, never a kiss, never heavy kissing, never H kissing and petting, never oral, never anything?

 

 

Do not contact the OM to find out what he told your BF. At least not if you want your BF back.

 

 

Sit tight and wait for your BF to break NC. Men can get past a EA. However a PA is a lot harder for a man to get over. Think of it as a motorcycle. We have no problem you standing along side our Harley another story if you touch it.

[Satu]

Consequences...

 

Actions have consequences.

 

It might be best to sever contact with both of these men.

 

The waters have been polluted.

 

 

Take care.

[DKT3]

OP, is this the Bill Clinton defense of I did not have sex?

 

 

So for three years, you're saying you never held hands, never a kiss, never heavy kissing, never H kissing and petting, never oral, never anything?

 

 

Do not contact the OM to find out what he told your BF. At least not if you want your BF back.

 

 

Sit tight and wait for your BF to break NC. Men can get past a EA. However a PA is a lot harder for a man to get over. Think of it as a motorcycle. We have no problem you standing along side our Harley another story if you touch it.

I think she was having two fulll relationships and got caught. If she was really being honest she would not be So freaked about the conversation between A and B,

 

I also don't think he will come back, his actions are decisive and swift. He is only attempting to avoid drama

[smackie9]

From what I have seen, not everyone cuts ties and moves on so quickly because there is so much invested in the relationship. I know plenty of people (adults ) reconcile after infidelity way worse than this.

 

Guy A cheated himself on the OP, so I'm sure he is reviewing his experience and adding that into his think time.

 

Doubting the OP that sex wasn't involved is not our conclusion to make and the accusation is not fair. And btw yes there are obsessive guys that will cling onto hope for years. I had a guy try to keep communication with me for decades....it happens. They don't need to be receiving sex to stick around.

 

When I post on the cheating threads I do my best to be objective, not hostile. I don't think there is a need to take it so personally. We are not the one being cheated on.

[DKT3]

From what I have seen, not everyone cuts ties and moves on so quickly because there is so much invested in the relationship. I know plenty of people (adults ) reconcile after infidelity way worse than this.

 

Guy A cheated himself on the OP, so I'm sure he is reviewing his experience and adding that into his think time.

 

Doubting the OP that sex wasn't involved is not our conclusion to make and the accusation is not fair. And btw yes there are obsessive guys that will cling onto hope for years. I had a guy try to keep communication with me for decades....it happens. They don't need to be receiving sex to stick around.

 

When I post on the cheating threads I do my best to be objective, not hostile. I don't think there is a need to take it so personally. We are not the one being cheated on.

 

I'm pretty confident that there was sex, my reason for stating it is guy A will also believe it and since she can't prove there wasn't she need to precede as such.that being he boyfriend believing there was sex.

 

Also one cheating doesn't mean the second cheating lesser if an evil. In fact according to her, hers could be viewed as worse being that they had grown so close and had more invested in this relationship.

 

Cutting ties, after three years blB should have been a distant memory where she truly committed to guy A.

[road]

From what I have seen, not everyone cuts ties and moves on so quickly because there is so much invested in the relationship. I know plenty of people (adults ) reconcile after infidelity way worse than this.

 

Guy A cheated himself on the OP, so I'm sure he is reviewing his experience and adding that into his think time.

 

Doubting the OP that sex wasn't involved is not our conclusion to make and the accusation is not fair. And btw yes there are obsessive guys that will cling onto hope for years. I had a guy try to keep communication with me for decades....it happens. They don't need to be receiving sex to stick around.

 

When I post on the cheating threads I do my best to be objective, not hostile. I don't think there is a need to take it so personally. We are not the one being cheated on.

 

Doubting is important because too many years seeing to many times where the WW not only trickle truths the BH but is as well. Bill Clinton was not the first to use the "I did not have sex with that woman" defense using words to hide behind.

 

 

Orbiters, there are women that collect them on purpose and those that don't but get them anyway.

 

 

The thing with an Orbiter is that if he could get a woman he would stop orbiting.

 

 

The case with your Orbiter is would reach out and contact you, whether a call, text, email, FB posting, whatever. Trying to use that you know each other as his in to get a date with you and eventually a relationship. He is not dating you. (side question why don't you just block him)

 

 

The OP, is a woman that has been dating this man/orbiter. Dating him for three years.

 

 

It is one thing to keep chatting up a woman. It does not cost any thing. Does not take up a lot of time. Any man, specially a lonely man can do this forever.

 

 

Now if the OP's OM/Orbiter was dating this woman, he is then spending money on this woman. No man is going to spend money on a woman for three years that is not going to put out. Now many a woman have played I don't do intercourse until I am married. Though they will find other ways to put out enough to keep a man around to keep getting her dinners paid for.

 

 

Matter of fact many a predator OM have worked their AP/WW for many years before they struck gold. So laugh at orbiters all you want.

[smackie9]

I'm sticking to my post. Giving accusations and assumptions without proof isn't why we are here.

 

I never said his or her cheating was any less or more...there are just different forms of cheating.

 

Not everyone flops on their back at all costs. Emotional affairs are more common than you think......and can be more intense than a sexual one.

Edited September 26, 2016 by smackie9

[DKT3]

I'm sticking to my post. Giving accusations and assumptions without proof isn't why we are here.

 

I never said his or her cheating was any less or more...there are just different forms of cheating.

 

Not everyone flops on their back at all costs. Emotional affairs are more common than you think......and can be more intense than a sexual one.

Not for men on either side. Men simply don't get involved for emotional attachment it's sex.

 

Listen my point isn't what I think but what boyfriend A thinks, and trust he thinks there was sex.

[smackie9]

 

Guy B was just a platonic relationship, however he always wanted more than a friendship.. We would talk often but when he got frustrated it wasn't going anywhere he would stop talking to me for a while only to pick up again with the friendship....

 

Guy B has walked away for a time but always came back....what part of that says "We were banging each other for the whole 3 years"

 

So you are saying to OP is out right lying......? If you think that then don't bother with answering to liars. Does it make you guys feel better to stomp on someone who is cheating because, I'm just guessing , you have experienced being cheated on, so you are out to make sure other cheaters are punished and called out on?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think you two need to be done. (You and your boyfriend, that is)

 

You have both chosen to be unfaithful to each other along the way. You've both lied and been deceptive.

 

The trust was broken here a long time ago. And now that crack has widened.

 

In my opinion, it's time to move on so you can both find healthier relationships.

[Clay]

Damn,

 

You cheated. You then pushed. It really shows just how little respect you have for your boyfriend and yourself. I would take this time to really look at just how selfish you have been and realize there is more to this world than just what you want.

 

Who knows if he will come back but honestly if he was smart he would walk away. You need to take time to figure out how you could be so cruel.

 

C

[smackie9]

Looks like a drive-by thread posting, OP hasn't bothered to respond.

[Space Ritual]

Looks like a drive-by thread posting, OP hasn't bothered to respond.

 

Probably didn't like what she heard. Or she was not prepared for the back and forth between members. lol.

 

That's why I use that ignore button with reckless abandon.