He gave me another last chance

[devilcame]

This is my first post here, I hope you don't mind my English is not perfect. Today after a very stressful weekend we had yet another fight that ended very badly, he tried to break up with me saying he cannot take this anymore and he is too tired for this, he's been trying but he just can't.

He says he's too tired of the constant fights, of me constantly picking at him. What can I do? I don't know how to stop. I cannot resume my psychologist sessions before end of October - I need to find a way, has anyone went through a similar experience?

[Marc878]

Enjoy your life and let the little things go. If you don't he will let you go. It's only a matter of time.

 

Is that what you're wanting?

[devilcame]

No, I don't want that... I don't know how to explain it, sometimes I just cannot control myself. I have been in therapy for so long and I always had a doubt that maybe I had some mental issue but my psychologist after some tests said no, it is not the case.

 

I am having a good day and then suddenly I start thinking about some old stuff, or even new stuff and I get completely annoyed and I just can't hide it, it is all over my face. He said he hates how my mood completely controls the relationship - if I decide it is going to be a good day, then it will, but if I am in a bad mood...

 

His mom even told me that the worst thing I can do is to hold the grudge - and I know it, I KNOW IT, that's the worst part. I know I pick on him every day for something and it must be exhausting. I am 29, I am not 15, the good old days of being a drama bi*** should be gone, but apparently not.

 

He broke up with me twice in almost 4 years - every time because he was exhausted, hair loss, extreme stress, I would just come up with reasons to fight every day.

 

Seriously, I think I need help but I don't know who can help me, the psychologist clearly can't.

[BluesPower]

You need a new doctor without a doubt. Yes you have some type of issue.

 

Are you on ant type of medication? Sounds like you should be.

 

Your doctor is doing nothing for you. Are you honest with your doctors?

Edited September 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude comment redacted ~ V

[devilcame]

I think you could have used nicer words - but no - I am completely honest with my therapist, she knows my story very well and is the only person I open up with completely about these issues. Any useful advice?

[road]

I think you could have used nicer words - but no - I am completely honest with my therapist, she knows my story very well and is the only person I open up with completely about these issues. Any useful advice?

 

You need a new Dr. You have seen this one for years and you still not can have a health relationship.

 

 

Sadly you confuse be able to talk and personally liking this therapist as meaning that they are competent to help you.

 

 

You have issues that need real help. Not hand holding.

[Satu]

You and your therapist haven't gone deep enough.

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

— C. G. Jung

 

 

Take care.

[BluesPower]

Sorry, I got dinged on that and I should have used nicer words.

 

Here is what I am saying. I you have seen this doctor for more than 3 months, IMHO, and you are still not seeing progress, then you need another doctor.

 

If you are not on any meds for your anger issues, mood stabilizers for example, then it really sounds like you need to be or you need to change them.

 

These types of meds, require constant vigilance on you part and your doctors part because the sometimes loose effectiveness over a period of time. When they do, you have to change the cocktail and see what works better.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Devilcame, have you tried consulting a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist? A psychiatrist is a qualified medical doctor whereas a psychologist is not. Although psychologists usually would be adequate for you, it seems your problems are deep seated and may require medical intervention. You have to move heaven and earth to cure yourself otherwise just let your BF go. You cannot hold on to some one like this if you are not being able to recover from whatever you are suffering from. Warm wishes.

[mikeylo]

I have a different opinion. It's possible that your partner is gaslighting you. Very common type of abuse but subtle. He could be passive / aggressive and that could be driving you crazy. Look into that before taking cocktails of drugs when you being manipulated! The problem could be him and not you.

[Cinnamonstix]

I have a different opinion. It's possible that your partner is gaslighting you. Very common type of abuse but subtle. He could be passive / aggressive and that could be driving you crazy. Look into that before taking cocktails of drugs when you being manipulated! The problem could be him and not you.

 

I agree that there could be another explanation. It's hard to tell who/what is the actual problem without more information. It is possible that you are not in the right relationship, that you are not happy with yourself, or both.

[devilcame]

Thanks all, your insights are the most helpful hints I've had in the last weeks, where we live at the moment I have 0 friends so it's nice to see someone takes time to talk with me.

 

Will try to respond one by one:

 

@road - I have seen her for a couple of years in total with long breaks in between due to how the health system works where I live. I have been going consistently once a week only for a couple of months (30 minutes session), then stopped. There is also something I should have told her (child abuse) that I never had the courage to confess to her, thinking that probably that is not the reason why I am like this.

 

@satu - at times it looked we did, at times it was only 30 minutes of "poor you" on her side. Agree I might need to find someone you, it just scares me that I have to start all over again

 

@bluespower - here is where it gets interesting, I do not have anger issues - at all. I just get deeply sad or worried about something, but even when the fight explodes I just have this thing that I do not get angry, I never raise my voice, I never use bad words. It is something I am proud about and that I learnt as I was growing older. I think I learnt it as a trick to balance my partner's reaction. He is the kind that gets angry and yells, and does name calling, etc. I know he does not do it because he is a bad person, but he does. The lowest point once was when he told me that I have no friends because I am too difficult and it is too difficult to like someone like me (by the way: I have many friends who adore me, but they live in my home country).

I thought about mood stabilisers, do you think that would help? I feel particularly depressed in the morning, better during the afternoon

 

@just a guy : yes, I need to find out how it works - whether I can just ask my GP to see a psychiatrist or what. The problem at the moment is also money though

 

@mikeylo and cinnamonstix... OK, to be fair... he is not perfect. As I said... he can go crazy sometimes. He's done many mistakes - like not letting go of his ex of 10 years and telling me that they were going to be friends whether I liked it or not. I need to be fair on both sides - many times he is not easy to take. Sometimes he just has bad reactions, bad tones of voice. I am trying to understand if this is triggered by my anxious attachment and if there is anything I can do about it. It's not much about the right relationship - we do love each other, have common goals, see life pretty similarly. I am not particularly happy at the moment because I realise I am too attached to him but I am hoping to slowly change that - in 2 weeks we will be moving back to where we used to live (not home country, but another place where we met and started living together etc). I have some good friends there, I am planning to go back to my sport. I want to find out if finding a balance within myself will help me be less anxiously attached, and will help is avoidant personality.

 

It's just very hard sometimes, especially in the morning.

[basil67]

Do you think that you'd stop being so critical if you were with a man who is easy to take? Someone who is considerate of your feelings? Thing is, a bad match can bring out our worst personality traits....and all your issues may go away if you have a man who is better suited to you.

[Satu]

snip

 

@satu - at times it looked we did, at times it was only 30 minutes of "poor you" on her side. Agree I might need to find someone you, it just scares me that I have to start all over again

 

I think that you might benefit more from Psychoanalysis, rather than a purely psychological approach, which often fails to resolve more deep-seated issues.

 

 

Take care.