Has my fiancé cheated?

[Crila16]

Oh...and one more thing. Of course she had sex with her ex. It's so obvious. She's trying to cover her tracks, in case you find out and her ex tells you. He doesn't want her and he doesn't care about her. He just wanted to know he could still have her. Your fiance has guilt coming out of her pores. Get rid of her now and cut your losses, because a divorce is going to be even worse. She's vengeful and will take you for everything you've got. The red flags are waving in your face. DO NOT ignore them. You will regret it. You think you're hurting now??? Marrying her...you don't know what pain is yet.

[Toodaloo]

Right my thoughts are this.

 

If I were meeting an ex to say my good byes it sure as heck would not be in a place where we used to have sex... No way.

 

Second. He mind should be on your wedding - it is after all supposed to be the happiest day of her life? So why isn't she thinking about dresses and flowers and stuff like that?

 

He behaviour is off.

 

I suggest that you postpone the wedding. tell all parents that there are some issues that need to be sorted out before you go through with it as you are not 100% convinced it is in you best interests and that a divorce will cost a whole lot more than a wedding...

 

Then take your time and go with your gut. Speak to your family and friends. You do not have to be alone in this. You should not be alone in this. Talk to the people who know her.

 

Then make your decision.

[ty10]

I fully believe she is spinning you a half-truth and quite possibly a lie. Here's why...

 

When I started seeing my ex, not even exclusive, I received messages from a girl I once saw at high school and college (who I learned was actually in a relationship at the time she messaged me - disgraceful person) who basically said saw you the other day you looked good fancy meeting up. I told my ex this - because I'm an open book when in a relationship. My ex also spent New Years Eve with a group of friends that included her ex, she told me and was straight up about it, I had no issue as she was honest.

 

My friends girlfriend was out with him and a few of his friends, me included. As we're chatting she gets a message and then a phone call - it's her ex. She told us all as my friend returned to the table. Turns out he was back in the country and wanted to see her - she said no I've moved on and good luck.

 

Point is in both them cases the people were 100% honest before anything could happen. I told the girl who messaged me I was seeing someone and it wasn't appropriate for her to be messaging me - I also told my ex she contacted me. My friends GF did it too.

 

If she had nothing to hide she'd have told you they were meeting up beforehand or even straight after. The question is can you trust her, my head says no and I think you are better off postponing any wedding and having a clear and frank conversation with her, if your gut/radar is still saying there's something not right - in my experience there's something not right!

 

And to echo earlier statements... getting married in less than a year is a bit insane IMHO. You don't know her well enough. I have a rule... move in no earlier than 1 year together, I definitely wouldn't be engaged until after 2 years!

 

In all honesty though, I think this is the end of the road for you two and it looks like you may have dodged a bullet!

[Satu]

If you married her, and I really hope you don't, the chances of her being monogamously faithful to you are slim to nothing.

 

You know that she's willing to hide things from you.

 

You wouldn't have a moment of peace.

 

Don't put yourself in that position.

 

 

Take care.

[aloneinaz]

So many red flags on this post..

 

*Getting engaged at 5-6 months?

*Getting married at a year?

*Ex clearly not over her last abusive BF

*Ex's story about having sex by service station w/last ex

 

You really wonder how many people have all the BS and drama and still marry. I bet it's a BIG reasons the national USA divorce rate is over 50%.

 

OP, run from her and find someone else. The next time you find "the one", wait until you REALLY know her after a couple of years before considering proposing. Marriage is hard enough. Not really knowing the person before marriage makes it REALLY hard.

[Stercrazy]

I don't know if she cheated or not. All I can say is if you have doubts about the marriage you shouldn't go through with it. I called off my first engagement 18 days before. Had both sets of the parents come over the house and told them I'm not getting married. But that was also with thought process that my relationship with my ex was completely over and I was ok with that. Of course there was anger from everywhere but I knew I made the right decision when I woke up the next morning from the best night sleep I had in the previous 6 months. Listen to your gut!

[signal]

Hi everyone, I created this post in September 2016 and now it is January 2018. To anyone who has read my original post, I did go through with the wedding. 15 months have passed and me and the other half have gone through a lot, we opened a business together and went through a miscarriage. Now the reason for me writhing is because there have been issues. My other half since being married has no respect for my parents, she loathes them. We argue almost once a week and it’s based on family or finances. Me and my other half moved into a little house together and my parents moved in with us for a bit. So we had an argument in the middle of the night and she hit me with a bedside lamp, I protected my face with my arm but it smashed into my elbow. Then she on countless times has told my parents to **** off out the house. There’s been times she has thrown keys at me and threatens to chuck me out of the house and business. Since December 2017 and January 2018 we have argued and she has repeatedly slapped and punched the back of my head. I have spoke to her parents and told them she has anger issues and may need medical help but it falls on deaf ears. I’m at a loss here, we have a good business to run but arguments about her not liking my family or that we have to pay back her parents leads to arguing and me getting smacked about, as a male that’s disheartening. I have now walked out and staying with my parents for a while. She is messaging me all the time saying sorry and we have a business to run and she loves me etc which is making me quite frustrated.

 

I actually wish I called off the wedding 2 weeks before when she gave me that story of her ex (read opening thread) to be honest I hate how she slaps and punches me when we verbally argue.

 

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

You are the victim of domestic violence. Get out of this marriage & the business ASAP before it gets worse. Do not have children with this violent unstable person.

[signal]

Thanks for replying. Been thinking if maybe it’s me and the things I say that leads her to lash out. The arguments which are verbal, are tit for tat. It’s hurtgulk the things we say I agree. We talk badly of one another and families and our pasts but I do think slapping and punches when I turn around is too much.

[Zahara]

Thanks for replying. Been thinking if maybe it’s me and the things I say that leads her to lash out. The arguments which are verbal, are tit for tat. It’s hurtgulk the things we say I agree. We talk badly of one another and families and our pasts but I do think slapping and punches when I turn around is too much.

 

This is the mindset of a battered person. It's my fault that she/he put their hands on me. There is never an excuse for physical abuse.

 

Look, you ignored clear red flags before you married her. You're making excuses again.

 

Do not have babies with her. Get out of your marriage and business with her. The alternative is staying with her and enduring a lifetime of pain.

[signal]

This is the mindset of a battered person. It's my fault that she/he put their hands on me. There is never an excuse for physical abuse.

 

Look, you ignored clear red flags before you married her. You're making excuses again.

 

Do not have babies with her. Get out of your marriage and business with her. The alternative is staying with her and enduring a lifetime of pain.

 

Thanks, this is making me see things from a different perspective

[Zahara]

Thanks, this is making me see things from a different perspective

 

The concern is how much actually has to happen to you for you to see how unhealthy this has all been? You had so many red flags slapping you in your face and you went on to marry her. Now she's beating you. When does your self-respect and esteem kick in? When does the bulb in your head go off?

 

Yes, she is calling and crying and apologizing. That is what abusers do to regain control over their victim. My father did the same thing. Cry and apologize and when the victim is back in their clutches, the abuse starts again. Don't for one moment think they are remorseful. It's a manipulation tactic.

 

If you chose to go back to her, then so be it. But please don't procreate. If you want to ruin your life, then that is your prerogative. Just don't ever bring a child into this mess.

[signal]

The concern is how much actually has to happen to you for you to see how unhealthy this has all been? You had so many red flags slapping you in your face and you went on to marry her. Now she's beating you. When does your self-respect and esteem kick in? When does the bulb in your head go off?

 

Yes, she is calling and crying and apologizing. That is what abusers do to regain control over their victim. My father did the same thing. Cry and apologize and when the victim is back in their clutches, the abuse starts again. Don't for one moment think they are remorseful. It's a manipulation tactic.

 

If you chose to go back to her, then so be it. But please don't procreate. If you want to ruin your life, then that is your prerogative. Just don't ever bring a child into this mess.

 

Of course over the past few months starting a family was not on my agenda. She had said a couple of times recently that my parents would not be able to see our future children, that really made me feel uncomfortable. She has her reasons as to why she despises my parents but the reason for that is weak and petty. When she is angry she spits venom and truth comes out.

 

I am just going through the psychological side of it. The last year I have been so busy night and day running a business and now I have moved out for the past week twiddling my thumbs. She’s still running the business and texts me during lunch and after business is closed telling me what’s gone on and asking for advice. I reply regarding work but I don’t reply to the I love you messages or the I miss you you messages. I am just not as mentally strong, I didn’t see my life planning out like this and frustrated with my self for letting it get to this

[clam]

Sorry for what you’re going through, but it’s not like you weren’t warned she was bad news before marrying her. You are in an abusive relationship; time to end this once and for all.

 

I must admit my curiosity though... All these months later, I’m still wondering why she and the ex had sex in “service station areas”...?? Did they not have actual living quarters they could go to?

Edited February 1, 2018 by clam

[signal]

Sorry for what you’re going through, but it’s not like you weren’t warned she was bad news before marrying her. You are in an abusive relationship; time to end this once and for all.

 

I must admit my curiosity though... All these months later, I’m still wondering why she and the ex had sex in “service station areas”...?? Did they not have actual living quarters they could go to?

 

I found it strange too. She said it was a car park area near a motorway where they used to meet up, I mean there could have been hotels nearby but maybe she couldn’t face saying they went to the hotel, obviously sounds mad to say nothing happened in a hotel room. She is no stranger to having sex in a car, when I first met her we did it a couple of times and she certainly knew her way around the back seat. She did also say to me it’s a fantasy for me to make love to her in the car. Hell I didn’t think nothing of it, I didn’t say no. Anyway that was a year ago and now she’s throwing hands, I’m walking away.

[DKT3]

So why did you marry this woman? She sounds like a nightmare, this is exactly how many of us saw this going down....time to GO before she suckers you into getting her pregnant.

[signal]

So why did you marry this woman? She sounds like a nightmare, this is exactly how many of us saw this going down....time to GO before she suckers you into getting her pregnant.

 

Thanks for your advice. I have made a huge step and have moved away for the past 5 days. Two days ago her and her parents came over while I was at my parents. Was more of a heated argument where everything else was said, in a rude and petty tone BUT the root cause, her violence. In fact it was as though my MIL was questioning me as to what I said to her before she slaps me and then indicating that I shouldn’t say those things to avoid getting hit!! The things I say are verbal and along the same lines as she says. The last straw was when my FIL said if she hits you then you should hit her back. Me and my parents then asked them to leave for the 100th time, we just couldn’t believe the nonesense that was being said. My OH then used the tears, brought up miscarriage and told me she loved me but I didn’t cave in.

[DKT3]

Thanks for your advice. I have made a huge step and have moved away for the past 5 days. Two days ago her and her parents came over while I was at my parents. Was more of a heated argument where everything else was said, in a rude and petty tone BUT the root cause, her violence. In fact it was as though my MIL was questioning me as to what I said to her before she slaps me and then indicating that I shouldn’t say those things to avoid getting hit!! The things I say are verbal and along the same lines as she says. The last straw was when my FIL said if she hits you then you should hit her back. Me and my parents then asked them to leave for the 100th time, we just couldn’t believe the nonesense that was being said. My OH then used the tears, brought up miscarriage and told me she loved me but I didn’t cave in.

 

So she pulled out all her tricks?

 

Listen, you have nothing to be ashamed of for wanting out, maybe some shame for actually marrying a woman who clearly was banging some dude has in a car at a public place and few weeks before the wedding date. She scored high marks in how to push your spouse to divorce.

[doyathinkso]

Just file and be done with it.

 

Move on.

 

So she's being the big drama-queen and has the waterworks going full blast .... so what? Not your circus, not your monkeys .... anymore.

[JS84]

Not sure if this was mentioned but did you ever try therapy for yourself??? I don't mean any offense, I know you've gotten several 2x4s (deservedly I might add), but you still haven't answered us regarding what on earth made you to continue to marry a woman who was ****ing another guy a few weeks before your wedding day. That's not normal. Neither was how quickly you got engaged/married to begin with.

 

You need to divorce that woman and go no contact. Then you need to figure out what 's going on in your head that would let you jump on the Titanic knowing full well it was going to crash and sink. Not to mention dealing with the abuse you've suffered.

[signal]

Not sure if this was mentioned but did you ever try therapy for yourself??? I don't mean any offense, I know you've gotten several 2x4s (deservedly I might add), but you still haven't answered us regarding what on earth made you to continue to marry a woman who was ****ing another guy a few weeks before your wedding day. That's not normal. Neither was how quickly you got engaged/married to begin with.

 

You need to divorce that woman and go no contact. Then you need to figure out what 's going on in your head that would let you jump on the Titanic knowing full well it was going to crash and sink. Not to mention dealing with the abuse you've suffered.

 

To answer your first point: When I found out 2 weeks before that she had met the ex after I had proposed I was all over the place. Yes looking back I now admit I should have ended things. I wasn’t mentally prepared to have the shame

Of having to cancel a wedding. Looking back at my self that makes me look weak, I now don’t give a **** about what family or society thinks, I regret not doing it. If I could turn back time I could.

 

Your second point re not knowing each other long enough: Yes that crosses my mind but I thought no matter how long you know one another, whether a short space or a long time maybe that doesn’t matter. I was in long term relationships before getting married and they never blossomed so I tried a new approach. Again, this is another regret I have. On paper is looks ludacris to marry without really knowing the nitty gritty of the other person. For others reading g, please make sure you try to get to know your OH as much as you can, saves having to be in my situation.

 

Your third point, therapy? Yes, perhaps I do need an outlet. This forum does also help but perhaps one day I will go down that route.

[signal]

So why did you marry this woman? She sounds like a nightmare, this is exactly how many of us saw this going down....time to GO before she suckers you into getting her pregnant.

 

 

 

I was weak at the time, caught up in love, lust and the notion of being married. I was weak.

[signal]

So she pulled out all her tricks?

 

Listen, you have nothing to be ashamed of for wanting out, maybe some shame for actually marrying a woman who clearly was banging some dude has in a car at a public place and few weeks before the wedding date. She scored high marks in how to push your spouse to divorce.

 

 

 

Thanks. I now know I am not ashamed, I am not accountable for someone else’s inability to control their violence. She is a psycho with a split personality. I mentioned to her family that she may need to see a doctors re anger however they dismissed it saying she’s always been fine, in fact her siblings say that she raised them. If you were to see how controlled and manipulated her siblings are you would see something ain’t right. They are in there 20’s and unable to date, hit clubs etc I find it odd yet my wife was able to date whom she wanted and what she wanted all be it out of sight from her parents.

[HumanMachine]

I hope your assets are secured..

[Zahara]

Thanks. I now know I am not ashamed, I am not accountable for someone else’s inability to control their violence. She is a psycho with a split personality. I mentioned to her family that she may need to see a doctors re anger however they dismissed it saying she’s always been fine, in fact her siblings say that she raised them. If you were to see how controlled and manipulated her siblings are you would see something ain’t right. They are in there 20’s and unable to date, hit clubs etc I find it odd yet my wife was able to date whom she wanted and what she wanted all be it out of sight from her parents.

 

In that sense you can tell there is no inkling of any sort of self-reflection or self-awareness when it comes to her and her family. There are people out there that will justify bad behavior because to them it feels normal. Just as her parent told you to hit her if she hits you -- this is essentially they way they are made. There is no changing it nor do they see a need to change. Violence is condoned.

 

Keep in the safety of your parents home and stay NC with her unless it's regarding your business. Start working up a plan to sever your ties with her professionally, mentally and emotionally. It's going to be difficult but this is temporary. Staying with her will be permanent hell.

 

This is two strikes. Don't wait for a third. Give yourself the opportunity to have a more balanced and healthy life for the future and who knows, in time you may meet someone who will give you the care and love you deserve. You have one life to live, so make the best of it and give yourself that chance.

Edited February 1, 2018 by Zahara