Has my fiancé cheated?

[signal]

In that sense you can tell there is no inkling of any sort of self-reflection or self-awareness when it comes to her and her family. There are people out there that will justify bad behavior because to them it feels normal. Just as her parent told you to hit her if she hits you -- this is essentially they way they are made. There is no changing it nor do they see a need to change. Violence is condoned.

 

Keep in the safety of your parents home and stay NC with her unless it's regarding your business. Start working up a plan to sever your ties with her professionally, mentally and emotionally. It's going to be difficult but this is temporary. Staying with her will be permanent hell.

 

This is two strikes. Don't wait for a third. Give yourself the opportunity to have a more balanced and healthy life for the future and who knows, in time you may meet someone who will give you the care and love you deserve. You have one life to live, so make the best of it and give yourself that chance.

 

Reading that has made so much logical sense, thank you

[signal]

I have had NC since Monday other then to reply to messages regarding our business together, even they have been limited from my end. I have had so much time on my hands as I’m staying with parents and not working. So many thoughts running through my head. Should I go back purely to work and live apart from my wife? See messaged me to say she is tired and exhausted from the work although I know she has family support who are working with her.

 

There’s a huge family function coming up in a month and this will be very difficult for me to attend without the wife. It’s just the idea of everyone asking questions, talking behind my back, me having to justify, me having to say to people I don’t want to talk about it. The thought of it is draining me already.

 

It’s as though I keep questioning whether I am doing the right thing by walking out. On a daily basis I dwell on the idea that I had a good opportunity to build a future with the wife. It’s only when I talk to my parents and verbally talk that I am reminded of the reason and that’s when I feel a sense of relief that I am doing the right thing. I don’t like the fact that my mind plays these games, all these scenarios of what could be if I go back and what life would be ignored I didn’t. It’s only when I get a sit down from the parents that it makes sense again. Is this normal what I am feeling?

 

This weekend the wife’s family and her will be back (first time since the last heated argument at the start of the week) and this is when I plan to tell her that I can’t see myself living with her. Again, that’s going to be a draining situation as that will not be an easy task. Her and her family are against the idea of divorce for religious / society reasons even though they are far from religious.

 

This is no easy thing to do, how my life pans out depends on the next step I take. If I do go through with walking away then i Can’t see myself staying in my area, I’ll need to move away, fresh start.

 

I guess my question is, I am not over thinking that what has happened am I? Most couples don’t sit through this do they? I know couples argue, I am not naive but I think we go to far. My O/H was like come one we always fight and tell each other to leave, only difference is I actually did just that.

[Zahara]

Often when you are in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship, the longer you stay in it, the more you condition yourself to believe that it's normal, but even worse, tolerate it.

 

You're doing the right thing. I wouldn't care about what society says because at the end of the day it is your life to live. No one gets to see the pain you suffer or the hardship you endure. No one gets a lamp over their head but you. No one gets a slap upside the head but you. So while gossip is inevitable, know that in time all that will subside and these people will find something else to cackle about.

 

Yes, divorce is taboo. I come from such a world. But if staying comes at the expense of damaging the rest of your life, then choose to walk away. The long term benefits is worth the short term discomfort.

 

It's normal to go back and forth and sometimes forget your reality, in that sense start to journal the truth about your wife and your relationship with her. When you doubt yourself, read your words. Read this thread if it helps.

 

As for the family function, I would not attend. The longer you prolong the farce, the more you enable the dysfunction and drama.

[NopeNah]

I know couples argue, I am not naive but I think we go to far. My O/H was like come one we always fight and tell each other to leave, only difference is I actually did just that.

Come'on...She hits you. ALL couples do that Get the hell out of this thing you shouldn't even be in.

[Downtown]

Signal, you're describing warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your partner has the full-blown disorder (only a professional can determine whether her symptoms are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD). Rather, I'm suggesting she may be exhibiting strong symptoms, regardless of whether they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria.

 

Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal and physical abuse, controlling demands, temper tantrums, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

She has anger issues and may need medical help.

One of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." If your W is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), anything you do or say -- no matter how minor -- has the potential to trigger her rage episodes. The reason is that she has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since early childhood.

 

You therefore don't have to do or say a thing to CREATE the anger. You only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger that is always there below the surface. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only a few seconds.

 

She hit me with a bedside lamp.... She has repeatedly slapped and punched the back of my head.... I hate how she slaps and punches me when we verbally argue.

Yep, you guessed it. "Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors" is another one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD. When this impulsiveness and recklessness is combined with her anger issues, the result is an unstable and volatile person who can be dangerous because she throws temper tantrums like a 4 year old while having the body strength and cunning of a full grown woman.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

My other half since being married has no respect for my parents, she loathes them.

Likewise, my BPDer exW disliked my parents and absolutely hated my adult foster son. If your W is a BPDer, she has such a great fear of abandonment that she will see threats of abandonment in harmless relationships you have with others -- and in harmless everyday activities. It is common for BPDers to try to isolate you away from your close friends and family members because she misperceives the time you spend with friends and family as you choosing THEM over HER.

 

As to her "loathing" your parents, this all-black view of them likely arises from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

She is a psycho with a split personality.

Perhaps so. That is NOT what you're describing, however. When a person is psychotic, she looses touch with physical reality -- e.g., believing that the TV news announcer is speaking to her personally. In contrast, BPDers see physical reality just fine. What is distorted (by their intense fears) is their perception of your intentions and motivations.

 

As to your belief that she has "a split personality," this is a common complaint that often is heard from the abused partners of BPDers. They will complain that their partners seem "half way to having a multiple personality disorder" (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder).

 

Of course, anything is possible but you are NOT describing the symptoms for DID. Instead, you're describing rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) which can be triggered in ten seconds. These rapid event-triggered flips are one of the hallmarks of BPD behavior.

 

Because you never know what minor comment or action will trigger that flip, you will often find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your W's rage. This is why the #1 best selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is titled Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

My O/H was like come one we always fight and tell each other to leave, only difference is I actually did just that.

Another hallmark of a BPDer relationship is the repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. This push/pull cycle occurs due to the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum.

 

This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum. Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

The result is that a BPDer will cycle between pushing you away with hateful accusations (while feeling engulfed) and pulling you back with love bombing (while feeling abandoned). This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

 

She is messaging me all the time saying sorry and we have a business to run and she loves me etc which is making me quite frustrated.

As noted above, you will repeatedly find her sucking you back into the toxic marriage if she is an untreated BPDer. Indeed, the "suction" created by the love bombing is so strong that the abused partners have given it a name: "Hoovering," which is named after the popular vacuum cleaner.

 

It’s as though I keep questioning whether I am doing the right thing by walking out.

If your W really is a BPDer, walking away will be very difficult and painful. There are several reasons for this. The primary reason is that it feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. Because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old, she will exhibit the purity of expressions, exuberance, and vulnerability that otherwise is seen only in young children.

 

A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning.

 

A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. Our desire to be needed far exceeds our desire to be loved. We therefore are strongly attracted to a child-like woman who can project her vulnerability across a crowded room.

 

A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences during the courtship, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even when you later start to question that view intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate.

 

I am just going through the psychological side of it.... Is this normal what I am feeling?

Yes, if you're married to a BPDer, it is "normal" to feel utterly confused and to feel like you are no longer the strong man you used to be. Indeed, you should consider yourself lucky if you are only feeling confused. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. The result is that therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. As noted above, you will be mistakenly convinced that -- if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore your W to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I guess my question is, I am not over thinking that what has happened am I?

No, I encourage you to keep on thinking. I suggest you start by seeing a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you learn what behaviors are considered red flags for BPD -- so you are able to protect yourself if you really are dealing with a BPDer W.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as physical and verbal abuse, cold withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic marriage and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning these signs also may help you decide whether your marital situation is sufficiently serious to warrant obtaining a professional opinion from a psychologist.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And Sal provides a concise and insightful account of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in his 2016 post. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join Clam and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Signal.

[bene]

 

There’s a huge family function coming up in a month and this will be very difficult for me to attend without the wife. It’s just the idea of everyone asking questions, talking behind my back, me having to justify, me having to say to people I don’t want to talk about it. The thought of it is draining me already.

.

 

In the grand scheme of things one event, no matter how important, means nothing. You don’t need to explain in details, just say that you came alone and maybe something vague that your wife didn’t make it this time.

You also might overestimate how interested other people are in the reasons she’s not there. If it’s a big event like a wedding or reunion, one couple is probably not the center of the whole thing.

Honestly, this sounds like the least of your worries, please concentrate on you and your own physical and mental safety.

[doyathinkso]

Hey Signal, you've been married only a few months. You might still qualify for an annulment. Less problematic than a divorce.

 

Either way, cut the cord and bail on the beeeyatch. She is just plain no good for you, or herself for that matter. Please no Knight in Shining Armour stuff buddy. Just go.

[Been]

Not only does she sound like a handful but she exhibits narco traits.

Sometimes we just want to belong to someone so we rush things rather then go slow. We get caught up in the excitement and instead of paying attention to certain things we almost excuse them because at the time this person that we are with makes us feel great about everything.

See people can put on a great show but only for a limited amount of time.

Then it begins to unravel but we want that feeling they previously gave us so we think eventually they will come around to how they first were when you met them. I mean you think how could everything seem so great and now everything is horrible. Its because that person gave you just an illusion- it wasn't real.

Hold your head up and learn from your mistakes. And remember one thing: you can't have ANY contact with this person because they will attempt to use that feeling when you first met them to their advantage.

Just remember it wasn't real.

[signal]

It has been NC since June and the divorce is underway. Most days I’m fine but today I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel it’s just such a shame that this didn’t work out. I know full well living together was not working with her attitude and her family input. I guess I miss the times we had when we were happy. I just miss the idea of what we had. I’m temoted to message but how stupid of me to even think that when I am the one who sent the divorce papers.

[Zahara]

It has been NC since June and the divorce is underway. Most days I’m fine but today I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel it’s just such a shame that this didn’t work out. I know full well living together was not working with her attitude and her family input. I guess I miss the times we had when we were happy. I just miss the idea of what we had. I’m temoted to message but how stupid of me to even think that when I am the one who sent the divorce papers.

 

It’s normal to think about the good times and reflect with sadness as to what could’ve been. But that’s not realistic. You need to focus on the truth and reality of what you had with her. It’s also normal to want to reach out to someone you’ve become familiar and attached to when you find yourself in a lonely place but you need to remember who she truly was pre and post marriage.

 

Don’t romanticize her.

 

If you need a refresher — go back and read through this thread. Maybe that will knock some sense in your head and jolt you out of your momentary fantasy.

[signal]

It’s normal to think about the good times and reflect with sadness as to what could’ve been. But that’s not realistic. You need to focus on the truth and reality of what you had with her. It’s also normal to want to reach out to someone you’ve become familiar and attached to when you find yourself in a lonely place but you need to remember who she truly was pre and post marriage.

 

Don’t romanticize her.

 

If you need a refresher — go back and read through this thread. Maybe that will knock some sense in your head and jolt you out of your momentary fantasy.

 

Thank you. I agree I do need to look back at this thread to remind me of the reasons as to why I left. I appreciate you taking the time to reply and same goes to your previous posts.

[signal]

I’m the original poster of this thread and here is an update. So I separated in summer of 2018 and started a divorce. I went a year and a half of being confident and sure I was making the right choice. Every time I thought of my ex I felt the hurt so this made me sure I was doing the right thing. A month ago I had an over whelming urge to contact her, I felt lost and as though I was making the wrong decision. I contacted her and we spoke, she said she made mistakes and had been working on her self, she said she has had counselling and has worked on her own mind and is healthy. She said she wanted us to try again. We met up a few times and as we were the divorce was finalised and completed. She says even though the divorce is done she wants to try again as she loves me and hide to marry me. I want to believe her and give her a chance, my family on the other hand think I am completely mad and have stated they want nothing to do with her or her family. I’m actually torn, mentally I am so confused. I want to believe she has changed, anyone can say they have changed though right? I am at risk of losing my family if I continue seeing my ex wife. I never thought I would talk to her again let alone considering giving her a go again. Thoughts?

[GorillaTheater]

After reading this three year saga, I'd have to say that you'd have to be completely out of your gourd to get involved with her again. I don't know why you're even speaking to her.

 

At least you're divorced from her now. Thank God for that much.

[Watercolors]

You had a child with this woman who cheated on you two weeks before your wedding, who was physically violent with you when you lived as a family, who told your parents to f*** off regularly, and whom you refer to as "psycho" in one of your posts in this thread.

 

And you now want to reconcile with her after you've finalized your divorce and put all of that turmoil and drama behind you?

 

I don't think that would be a wise decision.

 

Who has custody of your child? You or her? That is the ONLY thing you should discuss with her. Do not reconcile with this woman or history will repeat itself.

[Marc878]

THe biggest problem you have is yourself. Did you DNA the kid?

[signal]

I know it’s a long winded thread but just to clarify we did not have a child together (for those who asked in posts above)

[BluEyeL]

You should never ever get back together with this abusive horrible person. Start dating and find someone kind and loving.

[Downtown]

Signal, as I tried to explain in Feb 2018, you are describing classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I suggest you take another look at my post #55 above.

[django]

Signal, you need to ask yourself if you love this woman or just love the thought that this whole ordeal hadn't happened. You're minimizing her behaviors because you cannot accept the situation you're in, and while it isn't your fault, your choices were in part responsible for where you are now. You chose to continue on with a person who would do such things to you. Absolutely no one will tell you that maintaining any sort of relationship with this woman is anything but an awful idea. You need to believe them. It might not end up as badly as some people warn, but in every possible universe, it's going to be bad.

 

I can feel how conflicted you are. There must be a lot of regret on your part, too, having allowed it all to come to this. I've made decisions that were poorly grounded, too, and I know something about how you might feel. I'm very sorry.

[signal]

Hi everyone,

 

My divorce came through in September this year however financial consent orders were never resolved and still outstanding. Me and my ex wife have a lease on a fast food takeaway in our names. The lease was purchased for us by her father as a wedding gift.

 

During the divorce, I instructed my solicitor to let my wife have full ownership of the business and that I agreed to have my name removed if she agreed to a divorce and a clean break. There was a lot of stalling on her part and in fact the divorce came through before the financial consent order was agreed.

 

Since the divorce, over the past few months I have been communicating with my ex wife, she explained she wanted us to try again.

 

Recently she told me that the lease was no longer in our names of March of this year. She explained she could not keep up with the lease rent and the landlord had taken the lease off us. I asked who the lease belonged to? She said her dad purchased the lease from the landlord (who are family friends) for £0 as the landlord knew her father originally paid the full amount.

 

My question is; as a joint lease hold owner would I have not been informed of this? Would I have not had to sign any legal paper work? Does this have a negative impact on my credit?

 

If what my ex wife is telling me is true then I believe this is fraud as she removed my name by citing we couldn’t pay the rent. She has taken it off both of our names so I wouldn’t be able to go through a full financial disclosure to take legally what is half of mine.

 

Any thoughts?

[PegNosePete]

As with all legal issues, you should ask your solicitor these questions. People here are well meaning and try to help where possible, but with this kind of question there is no substitute for real professional advice. Although, since you were going to give it up anyway, you have to wonder if it's worth it?

 

If she is stalling the consent order then you should apply to court for financial resolution. It doesn't cost much to apply, it lays down a fixed timetable, and is often the kick up the bum some people need to agree to a consent order.

[Highndry]

Two thoughts came to me while reading this:

 

 

1) WOW.

 

 

2) "Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other."

 

 

My friend, stop playing the fool.