Wife got caught in a emotional relationship. Where do we go now.

[the_real_7]

A couple of months ago I caught My wife having drinks with a coworker during work time at hooters. I confronted her she tried to lie and say they where just friends. My wife didn't know I had access to her what app and saw thru her talking to one of her friends "her assistant at work , talking about how the guy wasn't interested in her even though she would like him to be very interested in her. I told her if she wanted to be with me she had to discontinue this relationship, she promised she would. 3 week later I checked her phone she was flirting with the guy again , I confronted her and she said it was harmless flirting. I have access to all her social media phone etc but Ive decided not to look and just check text phone logs obviously they work together so there is going to be text's ' of what content I don't know. I had us go to a relationship coach for 1 session 2 hours , it helped out a bit but I still feel paranoid and don't see our relationship moving anywhere. She doesn't seem to be interested in having any intimacy and I always feel like I'm running after her. We have a son 2 years old , we are not married and been together 8 years. I having a hard time not bringing things up because she is still working with the guy and I even got drunk yesterday and threatened to report them to the company. I don't know where to go from here as I now Ive made things worse and I'm still hurt and suspicious. I wonder if they found another way to communicate are has she really kept up her part of keeping her word.

[doyathinkso]

You have not made things worse.

 

She has made things worse.

 

Yes, you should report them to HR at their company.

 

You should also let her parents know that she is cheating, yes cheating, on the father of their grandchild.

 

Don't be a dummy. If you have access to her social media check it out and make copies of whatever dirt you find before she blocks you out. Why do you listen to her lies?

 

Remember .... cheating cheaters cheat, and lying liars lie.

[Marc878]

If they work together it'll continue. As you've found cheaters lie a lot. We're just "friends" is perhaps the biggest lie told.

 

You can't fix her or this but you can get yourself out of the situation. You're drinking will get you nothing but probably make things worse. Bad move on your part.

[road]

You need to expose this affair far and wide.

 

 

Copy and save WW's and OM's FB friends lists for exposure contact info.

 

 

Expose WW parents and siblings any close aunts and uncles, asking for their help to get WW to end her affair.

 

 

Then OM's wife/GF and parents and siblings.

 

 

Then Contact the CEO of the business, Director of HR informing them that an affair is taking place during work hours and what action is the company going to take to end this affair and bring NC/no contact between the AP's. Close with you will be waiting to hear what actions they are taking.

[dichotomy]

I have access to all her social media phone etc but Ive decided not to look .

 

 

Given the clear boundary she crossed with this other man, this statement from you makes no sense.

[BuddyX]

What everyone else said.

 

Also it's difficult to regain trust from the following "talking about how the guy wasn't interested in her even though she would like him to be very interested in her."

 

Also, you have a kid, living together, why aren't you married? She might be projecting. She might resent a lack of commitment.

 

But in the end, she decided to cheat. Go after her. Don't Pu$$ out.

[kgcolonel]

A couple of months ago I caught My wife having drinks with a coworker during work time at hooters. I confronted her she tried to lie and say they where just friends. My wife didn't know I had access to her what app and saw thru her talking to one of her friends "her assistant at work , talking about how the guy wasn't interested in her even though she would like him to be very interested in her. I told her if she wanted to be with me she had to discontinue this relationship, she promised she would. 3 week later I checked her phone she was flirting with the guy again , I confronted her and she said it was harmless flirting. I have access to all her social media phone etc but Ive decided not to look and just check text phone logs obviously they work together so there is going to be text's ' of what content I don't know. I had us go to a relationship coach for 1 session 2 hours , it helped out a bit but I still feel paranoid and don't see our relationship moving anywhere. She doesn't seem to be interested in having any intimacy and I always feel like I'm running after her. We have a son 2 years old , we are not married and been together 8 years. I having a hard time not bringing things up because she is still working with the guy and I even got drunk yesterday and threatened to report them to the company. I don't know where to go from here as I now Ive made things worse and I'm still hurt and suspicious. I wonder if they found another way to communicate are has she really kept up her part of keeping her word.

 

 

Help us out....what is your logic behind this? It doesn't seem to make sense unless you're not really wanting to know the nature / extent of the communication. On one hand you say that because they work together, you know there will be communication, if that's the case, why only look at the log? I think you know who / what you're married to and are having a real issue accepting it....she promises to stop and continues. Yes, I would bet the house that they have simply gone further underground on their affair.

 

Please prove us all wrong here.

[Wade Lamare]

I don't want to push your buttons unnecessarily but you have titled this as an emotional affair.

You caught them going out for drinks and she has the hots for him?

 

I would not be at all surprised if this has passed beyond emotional and crossed into physical at some point. Not enough time for full on PIV? I don't know, but a quick knee trembler only takes five minutes or so, easily accomplished.

 

There is a quote, I don't know who coined it so can't credit them. "Sex is the currency of affairs." Bearing in mind your wife was chasing him from the sounds of things she may use sex to reel him in.

 

As I say, I don't want to alarm you unnecessarily but the fact your wife had the hots for him, and they are bold enough to go out together would indicate to me that you need to exercise due diligence in uncovering the truth.

[harrybrown]

expose far and wide.

 

have her get tested for stds.

 

have your child tested for DNA.

 

She needs to get better boundaries and quit this job.

 

She does not respect you. Stop the drinking.

 

And if the OM is married, tell his wife.

 

And show your SO the door.

 

Have her go live with him.

 

Hooters, really? real classy.

Edited September 26, 2016 by harrybrown
edit

[Buckeye2]

I'm sure I'm old enough to be your father. If you were my son I would tell you to DNA the kid. At two years old he will not know what you're doing and you don't have to tell anyone.

 

 

Buy a kit at about any drug store or WalMart for about $30. Use a Q-tip to swap the inside of your cheek and the kids. Then send the kit to a lab along with an additional fee.

[BluesPower]

Your wife had an emotional affair. OK, Let's start there:

 

How do you know that she did not/is not sleeping with him? Because she told you she was not? Are you kidding us?

 

She said she would stop: And you believed her? Now you know she lied about that as well? And you still think that she is not sleeping with him?

 

You have access to all her stuff and you won't look at the details? Why? Because you want to be in denial that she is actually sleeping with him?

 

Do you think, and please say this is not true, that it is wrong for a husband to read all the texts and anything else between his wife and the man she is having an affair with?

 

This has to be a troll. However, if not, I will give it a shot. God help me...

 

Dude, the odds are like 99.999% sure that your wife is and had been sleeping with this guy from work for a pretty long time. You have all the evidence that you need, you just need to READ all the information that you have for goodness sake.

 

Look for texts that say, "Oh when we were screwing the other day, that was the best sex I have ever had in my life. it was 100 times better than my puny husband".

 

That will be a clue that they are having sex. Are we on the same page yet?

 

Look, please figure out exactly what is going on, decide if you want to try and save the marriage and go from there.

 

Mods - please don't ding me, I am just trying to get him to see the light...

[WilyWill]

If you want her to really put effort into the relationship, then I agree with all the posters above who recommend a harsh approach. Right now, it sounds like she's lukewarm about doing anything.

 

Put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) in her car and listen to any conversations she might still be having with him.

 

DNA test your kid and show her the results. Even if the child is yours, it's good to let her understand just how serious and far-reaching her breach of trust was.

 

On the other hand, you might indeed be a troll, as you've referred to her as your "wife" and then later said you weren't married.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting as you have been?

If you don't respect yourself then who will?

[the_real_7]

Everyone here has posted some interesting info and opinions , I feel as most do here and snooping might be the only way to start getting some truth. Going thru her phone is only possible in front of her as she has it with her and she not dumb enough to post anything social as she knows I have access. I believe if she is communicating with this guy she using the work phone and pc. At this point though its all a guess and Im trying to not to make any irrational decisions but the drinking hasn't helped and yesterday the whole argument i started was useless. I gave her ten days for one of them to quit the job before I bring this info to the owner " honestly I wouldn't do that" But I feel with both of them working there things can only get worse. This guy has only been working with her 3 months and I feel he responds to her because she is the boss as for the paternity test I know mine son is mine as all was good when he was conceived and he has plenty of me in him. Is she sleeping with him I don't know but she always home after work unless they are having sexual encounters at work. Without a private detective how can I find out more about her ? I cant decide if I stay or leave till I know more , maybe I'm naive cause if someone was asking me this same thing Id tell them to pack there bags and leave the women. Some blame for this goes on me , she asked me to marry her i proposed and gave her a ring but never followed thru I didn't give her the attention she deserved. Is it even possible to come back from something like this, I would be willing to work this out 1 if she didn't sleep with this guy which ill never know and two it wouldn't involve kissing her ass to make things work.

[kgcolonel]

Everyone here has posted some interesting info and opinions , I feel as most do here and snooping might be the only way to start getting some truth. Going thru her phone is only possible in front of her as she has it with her and she not dumb enough to post anything social as she knows I have access. I believe if she is communicating with this guy she using the work phone and pc. At this point though its all a guess and Im trying to not to make any irrational decisions but the drinking hasn't helped and yesterday the whole argument i started was useless. I gave her ten days for one of them to quit the job before I bring this info to the owner " honestly I wouldn't do that" But I feel with both of them working there things can only get worse. This guy has only been working with her 3 months and I feel he responds to her because she is the boss as for the paternity test I know mine son is mine as all was good when he was conceived and he has plenty of me in him. Is she sleeping with him I don't know but she always home after work unless they are having sexual encounters at work. Without a private detective how can I find out more about her ? I cant decide if I stay or leave till I know more , maybe I'm naive cause if someone was asking me this same thing Id tell them to pack there bags and leave the women. Some blame for this goes on me , she asked me to marry her i proposed and gave her a ring but never followed thru I didn't give her the attention she deserved. Is it even possible to come back from something like this, I would be willing to work this out 1 if she didn't sleep with this guy which ill never know and two it wouldn't involve kissing her ass to make things work.

 

Is she remorseful at all, does she want to work on things?

 

I'd say yes, you can come back but only with hard work from both parties of the relationship and (big and) the third party is no where to be found.

[Wade Lamare]

I didn't give her the attention she deserved

 

TR7, If I had a dollar for every time I've seen this statement from BS on different forums I'd have...... lots of dollars.

 

Look, most of the time this statement is bull doo doos. I don't think there are more than a few of these type of threads across various forums (fora?) where this is not mentioned by a BH or a BW. But guess what? Very few people give their spouse the attention they 'deserve' 365 days a year, week in week out every day.

People have demanding jobs, they have a house to run, babies, shopping, laundry, schools. People get frazzled, tired, grumpy and yes, sometimes people 'drop the ball' and may not pay their spouse the attention they deserve.

 

That is not an excuse to hop into bed or form an inappropriate relationship with somebody else.

 

Did she give you the attention that you deserved 365 days a year? No? Quelle surprise!

She certainly isn't giving you the attention you deserve now is she?

[Try]

TR7, If I had a dollar for every time I've seen this statement from BS on different forums I'd have...... lots of dollars.

 

Look, most of the time this statement is bull doo doos. I don't think there are more than a few of these type of threads across various forums (fora?) where this is not mentioned by a BH or a BW. But guess what? Very few people give their spouse the attention they 'deserve' 365 days a year, week in week out every day.

People have demanding jobs, they have a house to run, babies, shopping, laundry, schools. People get frazzled, tired, grumpy and yes, sometimes people 'drop the ball' and may not pay their spouse the attention they deserve.

 

That is not an excuse to hop into bed or form an inappropriate relationship with somebody else.

 

Did she give you the attention that you deserved 365 days a year? No? Quelle surprise!

She certainly isn't giving you the attention you deserve now is she?

I cannot agree with this post more, as it is so true.

 

In response to the OP saying that he "didn't give her the attention she deserved", I say so what as this can be said by 99% of of all husbands and all wives at one time or another during their marriage. This is true because we are human. Just by what the OP is saying now, it is also true that he can say this about his wife right now, yet the OP does not use this as an excuse to cheat. She had 3 options, go to you and try to work on your relationship, accept what you had to offer, or leave the marriage; cheating was not one of the options.

Edited September 26, 2016 by Try

[Mr. Lucky]

I have access to all her social media phone etc but Ive decided not to look and just check text phone logs obviously they work together so there is going to be text's ' of what content I don't know.

 

Business communication isn't done by text, it's on email. You need a searchable record so details and conversations can be accessed across groups of people.

 

Text is normally for personal interaction. And large amounts of texts with co-workers outside business hours indicate very personal interaction...

 

Mr. Lucky

[harrybrown]

wake up.

 

she is already sleeping with him.

 

she is lying to you. If you want to stay in the marriage, one needs to quit now.

 

Go tell the boss about this. expose, expose, expose.

 

If she is not putting you way ahead of the OM and outing him, she is not remorseful and you need to file for D.

 

Man up, see your attorney, expose and have her go live with her OM. she probably has a burner phone and they are laughing at you behind your back.

 

you will never nice her out of an A.

Edited September 27, 2016 by harrybrown
edit

[Lion Heart]

Infidelity usually involves webs of deception, lying, more lying, all sorts.

 

You already know she's on the infidelity path.

Just not how far she's gone.

 

She will minimize everything she does.

She will maximize any little thing you may or may NOT have done for her....blame shifting.

 

Never accept blame.

Her affair is ALL on her.

 

Read the 180. Become VERY familiar with it.

 

RESEARCH and find out EVERYTHING YOU CAN.

Evidence disappears very quickly once the couple know you're on to them.

 

I found out as much as possible ASAP. But I didn't have LS GUIDING ME.

 

THEN I knew exactly what to do.

 

Monitoring is disgusting. I couldn't STAND it.

 

By FULL exposure almost without my mouth in any of it. Gave support to me.

STBexVWH mother went to his job sites daily to check where he was.

 

I seldom checked his GPS. BUT HE HAD ONE on his phone.

Cancellation of this meant instant OUT the door.

 

I had phone records printed out and KEPT THEM. I didn't even know what I was looking for.

I'm so glad I did.

Eventually it lead to a WHOLE manner of deceptions

 

To not find out all you can.

To not expose.

To not monitor is all inaction meaning YOU ARE TURNING a blind eye to her behaviours.

 

This is up to you too.

 

SO TRUE saying you never "nice someone out of an affair".

 

The 180 shows this and REALLY WORKS.

One way or the other.

 

Either is good because it's over faster.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Business communication isn't done by text, it's on email. You need a searchable record so details and conversations can be accessed across groups of people.

 

Text is normally for personal interaction. And large amounts of texts with co-workers outside business hours indicate very personal interaction...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She's ****ing him.

 

Ignore her and move on, or use her for sex. Your choice!

 

Don't give yourself the disservice of taking on a long and arduous road of having to collect evidence if you aren't even married. Just ...leave.

[Sparta]

OP (Voice activated recorder) Get a VAR placing it in her car, also you will want to get lithium batteries (they last longer) are you can hardwired it, in there if you know what you're doing. It's not that hard, but usually place it underneath her see with strong Velcro get everything at Walmart Sony PX 333 like 50 bucks you might want two VARs. Placing the second one in the house when you know she sits and has her conversations. whatever you do never reveal to her how you got the information. Stop confronting her stop talking about it doesn't matter because if it's in play it's going to happen anyways. The other thing you need to do is expose to all nothing better to knocking her right out of her affair fog by exposure the affair, if the OM is married or has a girlfriend they need to know immediately.

[S2B]

Kick her out and get formal custody of your son and see if she still needs to chase after him.

 

I wouldn't put up with her lies for one second.

 

Pack her bag. Change the locks. Shock her into reality and see how that shakes out.

[ladydesigner]

Everyone here has posted some interesting info and opinions , I feel as most do here and snooping might be the only way to start getting some truth. Going thru her phone is only possible in front of her as she has it with her and she not dumb enough to post anything social as she knows I have access. I believe if she is communicating with this guy she using the work phone and pc. At this point though its all a guess and Im trying to not to make any irrational decisions but the drinking hasn't helped and yesterday the whole argument i started was useless. I gave her ten days for one of them to quit the job before I bring this info to the owner " honestly I wouldn't do that" But I feel with both of them working there things can only get worse. This guy has only been working with her 3 months and I feel he responds to her because she is the boss as for the paternity test I know mine son is mine as all was good when he was conceived and he has plenty of me in him. Is she sleeping with him I don't know but she always home after work unless they are having sexual encounters at work. Without a private detective how can I find out more about her ? I cant decide if I stay or leave till I know more , maybe I'm naive cause if someone was asking me this same thing Id tell them to pack there bags and leave the women. Some blame for this goes on me , she asked me to marry her i proposed and gave her a ring but never followed thru I didn't give her the attention she deserved. Is it even possible to come back from something like this, I would be willing to work this out 1 if she didn't sleep with this guy which ill never know and two it wouldn't involve kissing her ass to make things work.

 

That's why you do your P.I. work while they are sleeping. Works every time

[S2B]

If she's not handing you peace of mind to regain your trust in a silver platter - then she is likely still actively involved.

 

There's no way to reconcile when she's invested in him while pretending to be your wife.