After your affair was over...

[imsosad]

Typical sexist double standard.

My college boyfriend was your obvious bad boy, he had loads of ONS. I began dating him very cautiously and he later admitted he fell for me because I wouldnt sleep with him for months. That made him 'realise' I was the one. Yeah, I know I should have bolted then, but hey. College. I remember him saying there were girls you screwed and girls you married. It toom anothet fee months but I had a realisation of my own:this guy hates women and values or devalues them by their sexual habbits. Bye!

I moved on to my stbxh, who was nothing like that,thankfully.

It's quite upsetting that the men are so judgemental towards their APs,when it too often transpires here that the OW were usually looking for the real thing,while the MM were filling their needs and never planning a real future together.

[aileD]

Forgive me for saying this, I don't know your story very well but your H OW sounds like a very broken girl. And yes she made the choice to have an A and be w MM or more than one like you say.

 

But your H sounds like a person who totally took advantage of the situation.

 

My husbands OW was 20 years old. H is twice her age. She portrays herself as a strong individual, but she's really just a little girl who made a lot of bad choices in her life...my H is not her first MM, and he met her at 19 years old.

 

My H is also very messed up. Dont think he consciously took advantage of her, but she let him too.... he twisted things around in his head to what worked for his feelings at the time.

 

He had feelings for her but wasn't willing to give up me, so his mind had to twist it around to justify things..

 

Oh but then she also did "cheat" on my H with her previous MM a few times so I guess his feelings were warranted

 

Affairs are a tangled web of psychological issues for everyone involved

[road]

I'm sorry but you can't steala person. - mm will only cheat if he wants to.

 

No one is forcing him. The time he gives to his ow he is choosing to give it

 

The MM or a WH is aiding and abetting the theft for he is allowing the OW to receive gifts that marriage reserves for the BW.

 

 

Theft is not just applied to physical items. Intellectual, creative, emotional, and time are all things that can be misappropriated (fancy for steal).

[road]

Typical sexist double standard.

My college boyfriend was your obvious bad boy, he had loads of ONS. I began dating him very cautiously and he later admitted he fell for me because I wouldnt sleep with him for months. That made him 'realise' I was the one. Yeah, I know I should have bolted then, but hey. College. I remember him saying there were girls you screwed and girls you married. It toom anothet fee months but I had a realisation of my own:this guy hates women and values or devalues them by their sexual habbits. Bye!

I moved on to my stbxh, who was nothing like that,thankfully.

It's quite upsetting that the men are so judgemental towards their APs,when it too often transpires here that the OW were usually looking for the real thing,while the MM were filling their needs and never planning a real future together.

 

 

 

How do they expect to find the real thing with a man that is not free to marry them and quite often has kids as an added attraction to the mess to follow.

[Chica80]

How do they expect to find the real thing with a man that is not free to marry them and quite often has kids as an added attraction to the mess to follow.

 

You're asking a logical question to something that is illogical. For a woman MOW in this case, a lot of times its emotional. The two do not fit together. There is no space for the other because the void is so deep for what is missing.

 

I am not justifying A I am not saying they are ok. That is not debateable.

 

But you can't make sense of something that doesn't make sense.

[DKT3]

Oh yes these trustworthy MM don't trust the OW or MW because they are willing to cheat with a MM. Very hypocritical but typical.

 

Very much so, however you have to consider he isn't comparing her to himself, but to his wife, his loyal faithful wife. While MW is cheating on her husband even if it's with him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My husbands OW was 20 years old. H is twice her age. She portrays herself as a strong individual, but she's really just a little girl who made a lot of bad choices in her life...my H is not her first MM, and he met her at 19 years old.

 

My H is also very messed up. Dont think he consciously took advantage of her, but she let him too.... he twisted things around in his head to what worked for his feelings at the time.

 

He had feelings for her but wasn't willing to give up me, so his mind had to twist it around to justify things..

 

Oh but then she also did "cheat" on my H with her previous MM a few times so I guess his feelings were warranted

 

Affairs are a tangled web of psychological issues for everyone involved

 

I followed your thread on the other board Aile and I am very aware the amount of pain and suffering you went through (and humiliation you swallowed) to get your husband back. But I have to agree, you are very angry at this OW. She was 20 - and living in a car. She was basically homeless. If I recall, didn't that happen because her parents threw her out because she was seeing your husband? If I am wrong, please correct me. My point is that your anger comes through the computer screen - and hey, no one gets that kind of anger more than me. Trust me. But just be careful. It is not necessarily the healthiest thing. She sounds really broken.

 

And that is the thing. Yes, there are some predatory females out there but generally the ones posting are pretty broken. We were in a bad spot and got into a bad situation. Now, I did not end up homeless, but I am also not 20. Obviously this girl has a lot of other problems. Does your husband know why he was attracted to such a train wreck?

 

If he really doesn't, again, I get you. My H got involved with someone wanted for crimes, unemployed, drug issues, living at home, a real mess. Nothing like me. At the time he said she was better and more together than both of us (talk about the Fog). But I don't judge her and I'm not mad at her. Obviously I'd be a massive hypocrite and I saw the texts, she was devastated that he would not leave me. He hurt her.

 

I'm just saying, a little humanity goes a long way. We are all different sides of the same person.

[aileD]

. If I recall, didn't that happen because her parents threw her out because she was seeing your husband? If I am wrong, please correct me.

 

Her parents kicked her out last year when all this started, and she did get her own apartment which she had for a year until the lease was up...I don't know for sure why she left that apartment but I'm assuming it's because she thought my H was leaving and they would be getting a new place together and she didn't want to sign another year lease on a studio.

 

Yes, I do have a lot of anger towards her. There are many things that have happened not discussed here. I realize I have focused a lot on her and slowly am getting away from that.

 

I realize that my H promised her things and wasn't always respectful or truthful with her. I don't wish bad on her, I do hope that she grows up and matures and can redonnect with her family. I have talked to her family and I know they love her...she's just rebelling against their strict religion and structure or whatever. Her family definitely did not raise her to be someone who disrespects a marriage

 

I don't think she's a broken person. She is very motivated and strong and ambitious. She was able to maintain her job through all this where I wasn't.

 

The further I get from it the less focus is on her.

[cocorico]

One common theme I seem to notice is that the MM involved in an affair doesn't necessarily trust his OW. My affair is over and one of the things my xMM stated was that he trusts his wife but could never trust me. I found it interesting as he stated he trusted me during our relationship but the instant it ended, he changed his view. Do all MM view their OW as someone they really wouldn't trust in the long run? Just curious.

 

It was the other way round for us. He didn't trust the BW as far as he could throw her, and it turns out he was wise to be mistrustful of her. He trusted me, and still does - he turned his life upside down, and dumped her, so we could be together.

 

I think it really depends on the individuals. A MM who chooses to stay M often tries to distance himself from the A, because it's difficult to look at that image of himself in the mirror. So in order to create distance, he demonises the OW, and projects all of those "bad" aspects of himself onto her. It's often encouraged by the reconciling BW after a DDay as part of the reconciliation tax, and so it's easy to make a scapegoat of the OW and heap all the sins on her, so that the MM becomes sanctified and acceptable for re-inclusion into the household.

[cocorico]

 

As the OW you lied, cheated, and stole from the MM's BW. You stole from the BW what was hers.

 

 

I did not lie, cheat or steal from anyone. I took what was freely given. It was his to give, not hers. She didn't own him - just as I don't, now. He is his own person, free to choose and to live with the consequences of his choices, like the rest of us.

[aileD]

Even though you ended up together you can't take away the fact that you were not respectful of his BWs marriage. Yes, obviously neither was he...but just because he left her doesn't change the fact you were a mistress, a cheater, an OW, an outsider in their marriage.

 

And you villlianize his BW all the time on here. So it works both ways. Why do you do that? Does it make it easier for you to "distance yourself from the A so it's easier to look at yourself in the mirror?"

 

MM who don't trust OW may be overlooking their own moral faults but the fact is their OW cheated too, didn't respect marriage...so they aren't villianizing the OW when they say she's untrustworthy...because it's true.

[Quiet Storm]

Actions speak louder than words. This helps you determine if a person is trustworthy. Do they lie? Do they keep their promises? Do they live by the standards they expect of others?

 

Most OW are not naive. They are often very intelligent women. They have the relevant information needed to determine MM isn't a good relationship prospect (he lies, cheats and avoids conflict). The problem is that the relevant information is minimized because their emotions are driving their choices.

 

The way to avoid this in the future is to be self aware. Be introspective. Know when you are vulnerable. Realize when your emotions are clouding your logic. Imagine the scenario as an outsider, with the emotions removed.

 

One of my favorite sayings is "check yourself before you wreck yourself". It means to be your own babysitter. The "smart you" has to protect the "vulnerable and emotional you".

 

Regarding MM not trusting the OW. It comes back to actions vs. words. Most OW tell MM that they don't want to be in an affair. That they'd never normally get involved with a married guy. But their actions don't match their words, or else they wouldn't be doing it. MM sees that.

 

OW will ignore her conscience, and push aside the "this is wrong" and "I can't be with a married guy" feelings because that feeling of love and connection is more important. MM sees this as a lack of personal integrity, even though he's the exact same way. OW justify it because of their strong emotions and often believe MM will view their choice to participate in the affair as a sacrifice or proof of their love, when in reality MM will see OW as weak and as character flawed as he knows himself to be (and therefore untrustworthy).

 

.

Edited October 4, 2016 by Quiet Storm

[cocorico]

Even though you ended up together you can't take away the fact that you were not respectful of his BWs marriage. Yes, obviously neither was he...but just because he left her doesn't change the fact you were a mistress, a cheater, an OW, an outsider in their marriage.

 

And you villlianize his BW all the time on here. So it works both ways. Why do you do that? Does it make it easier for you to "distance yourself from the A so it's easier to look at yourself in the mirror?"

 

MM who don't trust OW may be overlooking their own moral faults but the fact is their OW cheated too, didn't respect marriage...so they aren't villianizing the OW when they say she's untrustworthy...because it's true.

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[aileD]

I know, I'm just so funny.

[ShatteredLady]

Cocorico.

 

I've read a lot of your posts & I know that your situation was very different really.....

 

Quote - "It was the other way round for us. He didn't trust the BW as far as he could throw her, and it turns out he was wise to be mistrustful of her. He trusted me, and still does - he turned his life upside down, and dumped her, so we could be together."

 

....I've never asked, why did he stay with her? Did he need you for motivation to leave? Was it an exit affair? How long did he take to leave? Do you think he would of found the courage to leave without you?

 

 

Growing-up my only experience of infidelity was my oldest cousin. I was his flower girl & his wife was like a beautiful princess. The whole family was horrified when he got divorced for an older lady who couldn't have children.

Being the oldest he was always great with kids & desperately wanted a large family, not having children is still his greatest regret. His 2nd wife, real love, was a huge sacrifice in that way.

 

They've been together for over 40 years now. Lovely couple!! They both filed for divorce from their partners a month after meeting!! Being my only young experience of adultery I assumed that it always worked that way.

[road]

I did not lie, cheat or steal from anyone. I took what was freely given. It was his to give, not hers. She didn't own him - just as I don't, now. He is his own person, free to choose and to live with the consequences of his choices, like the rest of us.

 

 

 

Buying stolen goods or even accepting stolen goods for free is wrong. What the OM/WH gives is what was already promised by contract, the marriage contract to the BW.

[ChickiePops]

I followed your thread on the other board Aile and I am very aware the amount of pain and suffering you went through (and humiliation you swallowed) to get your husband back. But I have to agree, you are very angry at this OW. She was 20 - and living in a car. She was basically homeless. If I recall, didn't that happen because her parents threw her out because she was seeing your husband? If I am wrong, please correct me. My point is that your anger comes through the computer screen - and hey, no one gets that kind of anger more than me. Trust me. But just be careful. It is not necessarily the healthiest thing. She sounds really broken.

 

And that is the thing. Yes, there are some predatory females out there but generally the ones posting are pretty broken. We were in a bad spot and got into a bad situation. Now, I did not end up homeless, but I am also not 20. Obviously this girl has a lot of other problems. Does your husband know why he was attracted to such a train wreck?

 

If he really doesn't, again, I get you. My H got involved with someone wanted for crimes, unemployed, drug issues, living at home, a real mess. Nothing like me. At the time he said she was better and more together than both of us (talk about the Fog). But I don't judge her and I'm not mad at her. Obviously I'd be a massive hypocrite and I saw the texts, she was devastated that he would not leave me. He hurt her.

 

I'm just saying, a little humanity goes a long way. We are all different sides of the same person.

 

A little humanity absolutely goes a long way. But why doesn't this go both ways? If you're broken, why can't you find a way to fix yourself without breaking other people in the process? People do this every single day..it is possible to heal without hurting others in the process.

 

What's the point of spreading pain around? Hurting other people is not ultimately going to make you feel any better. It feels much better to spread happiness than pain.

 

Even if you're blinded by your own pain and you do make the mistake of having an affair, when it's over, why is it so hard to have empathy for the people you helped to hurt? (General you, not you you).

[cocorico]

Cocorico.

 

I've read a lot of your posts & I know that your situation was very different really.....

 

Quote - "It was the other way round for us. He didn't trust the BW as far as he could throw her, and it turns out he was wise to be mistrustful of her. He trusted me, and still does - he turned his life upside down, and dumped her, so we could be together."

 

....I've never asked, why did he stay with her? Did he need you for motivation to leave? Was it an exit affair? How long did he take to leave? Do you think he would of found the courage to leave without you?

 

 

Growing-up my only experience of infidelity was my oldest cousin. I was his flower girl & his wife was like a beautiful princess. The whole family was horrified when he got divorced for an older lady who couldn't have children.

Being the oldest he was always great with kids & desperately wanted a large family, not having children is still his greatest regret. His 2nd wife, real love, was a huge sacrifice in that way.

 

They've been together for over 40 years now. Lovely couple!! They both filed for divorce from their partners a month after meeting!! Being my only young experience of adultery I assumed that it always worked that way.

 

Shattered, I don't want to t/j but in brief: he stayed with her for so long for all the reasons abused partners (usually women) don't leave. Then one day she attacked him physically in front of the kids and left, leaving the kids traumatised. (The kids found out recently that she had an OM at the time, and had left for him... though she denied that at the time.) The separation lasted about a year. He had loved the separation, but the kids hadn't taken it well, and she had also fallen apart during the separation and so she begged him to take her back. Against everyone's advice, he did - because of the kids - after she promised MC and all manner of changes.

 

Of course she broke all her undertakings; he knew he should have left but felt he could not inflict another traumatic separation on the kids who had still not recovered from the first. So he felt trapped, needing to stay until the kids were "old enough", but desperately unhappy. He became clinically depressed, was advised by his GP and his IC to leave her, but felt he couldn't for the kids. A year later, we met, and later began an A. About three years into the A, the kids were "old enough" and ready for him to leave (he discussed the situation with them - they were teens at that stage).

 

Without the A, he probably would have stayed longer, until the kids left home (assuming she hadn't drunk herself to death, or killed him, by then). Him leaving when he did did provide the kids with a few years of a stable, loving home, and did give them the space for counselling etc and allowed their social lives to stabilise and their schoolwork to improve, so that they could go to university etc. They're so much better now!

 

In retrospect he sees what he "should have done", which was leave decades earlier, not take her back, leave once she reneged on promises, etc... but it's easy in hindsight. At the time, his own parents' divorce still weighed heavily on his decision-making and he knew no better.

 

Apologies for the t/j.

[OneLov]

Speaking of humanity, we're only about 400 years away from immolating others for believing that Earth is not the center of our solar system. We're savages. But I do like when I see others have such a strong belief that we're more than sophisticated primates; it gives me hope.