Married but lonely

[Ahuizotl]

Hello,

 

Not even sure how I want to say this or what I want to say or why I'm even saying this but I've been searching the internet for various keywords as "lonely" "married and lonely" "married friends" etc so I figured I need to say something and I'll just shoot and let all of the letters and words land where they may.

After just having written a very confusing paragraph I think this is the best way to address all of the things running around in my head:

 

- Apparently its possible to have a lot in common with your spouse yet still feel lonely: I always feel like I am interested in her interests but she's never interested in mine. I don't expect her to take an interest in every single thing that I like and vice versa, some things we have just for ourselves but from my perspective she refuses to even try.

She doesn't like sports? Fine, I wouldn't expect her to but it would be nice if she tried once in a while.

She doesn't like goofy/silly/stupid humor? Perfectly fine, not her thing.

She doesn't like serious drama tv shows? Okay, but there are so many different genres its strange to dismiss them all.

She doesn't like really serious well-made movies? Uh...you could just come along and discuss it after for me.

She doesn't like any music aside from popular radio play? Fine again, music is a very personal choice and I don't like a lot of different music.

 

- Sometimes its like I'm only being half of my full self around her: We can have great discussions on an entire variety of topics. Political, entertainment, parenting, world views, etc. But there are a few other sides to me that I don't feel like I can be so I'm essentially shutting off an entire part of what makes me who I am and I'm starting to feel a little empty because of it.

I consider myself a generally upbeat person. I enjoy being a bit silly/strange from time to time and making off the wall bizarre comments on things. I'll say something absolutely ridiculous and try to either get a reaction or have a ridiculous conversation about it. Its not just that she finds this annoying but she asks me to stop it. Not just some of the time but all of the time. This isn't a new trait of mine either, its something we would even share from time to time when we first were dating over a decade ago.

 

There are other issues that plague all relationships but I don't want it to be about blaming her for anything and getting sympathy while vilifying her. I don't exactly know what I'm looking for. Not necessarily advice just an idea that there are other people going through this and how do they handle it? I don't have a large selection of friends (or any close ones really) and my wife and I spend nearly all of our free time with each other because, generally, we get along great. However, when we have an argument or are doing the things we don't do together I feel like I'm missing someone or something.

I probably just need like a friend or best friend or something that I can enjoy these things with but how does an adult find someone like that? There are only so many Jason Segal's and Paul Rudd's in the world. (I'd be more Paul Rudd of the two).

 

Anyways, I'm sorry to have dumped such a confusing thread as my first contribution to the site but...-shrugs- I don't know what else to do.

[Cinnamonstix]

Have you always felt like you couldn't be yourself with your wife?

Did she used to take interest in what you do?

Did she used to laugh at your jokes?

 

If these issues are something that have developed over time, perhaps you have grown apart and need to reconnect.

 

However, if she has never shown interest in hearing about your interests, and if she has always given you the cock-eye when you bust out the sillies, then you are likely incompatible on those fronts. Can you live forever not being able to make her laugh (and vice versa) or talk about the things you find interesting? Personally, I couldn't.

[Lois_Griffin]

She doesn't like sports? Fine, I wouldn't expect her to but it would be nice if she tried once in a while.

For me, sports suck. That will never, ever, ever, ever, ever change. It's a waste of everyone's time to expect her to sit through hours of some god awful sporting event "once in a while" just to make YOU feel better.

 

I probably just need like a friend or best friend or something that I can enjoy these things with but how does an adult find someone like that? There are only so many Jason Segal's and Paul Rudd's in the world. (I'd be more Paul Rudd of the two).

That's exactly what you need. You keep expecting your wife to be all things to you all the time. It's like you've made her your whole world and you have all these expectations of her acting and thinking exactly the way YOU do.

 

Go to a sports bar and watch your sports there and make some buddies while you're doing it. Find a MeetUp group who wants to talk in great depth about movies, how they're made, what the inspiration was behind the making of them, and how 'deep' they are.

 

My husband just bought a new Corvette and has been adding mechanical things to it and using a computer to 'read' the engine stats and all that stuff and I'm CLUELESS as to what he's doing. He's joined a Corvette Club where the guys there know exactly what he's doing and can discuss it with him at great length. He's not expecting me to turn into a motor head and join him in the garage with my tool belt on or have hour long conversations with him about camshafts and pistons. Jeez.

[CHAZ87]

My god. It is like looking into my marriage. My wife doesn't give one lick about my interests. Sports, music, movies, books...After 18 years of marriage, we are two different people. We used to have similar interests, but not anymore. And having a best friend? A jib change took care of that. We both work shift work. As for Lois Griffen, why not walk out into the garage with JUST a tool belt on and show a little interest in American Motorsports! Haha.

[Porter56]

I think most marriages are like this. I mean think about it....spending your WHOLE LIFE with the same person...it's inevitable that you're going to get into a rut or that your lives are going to be mundane. Seriously, if you ate the same food, watched the same movie, wore the same clothes and listened to the same music day after day after day after day....you'd eventually go nuts and need something else to happen.

 

But anyway two things...1. You do need an outside hobby and friends. One person cannot fulfill all your social needs. And 2. The fact that you don't have the same sense of humor is a big red flag to me. But you seem to imply this is a more recent development so I wonder why she has become more serious all of a sudden? You should be able to be silly with each other.

 

What you need is a hobby and the most important...COMMUNICATION... I'm sorry but it's capitalized for a reason. Everything you've been thinking...tell her exactly what you're telling us. It's obviously bugging you. You have to tell her how you feel. Your marriage is pointless if you can't do that.

 

Report back...you've got me curious lol

[Porter56]

Oh BTW.... I forgot my disclaimer: I am the last person you should be taking advice from. But I gave it anyway lol

[wmacbride]

I've been married going on 20 years, and while I believe your spouse should be you best friend, they shouldn't be your only friend. It's not fair to your wife to expect her to be everything to you, nor is it fair to expect her to never change or grow.

It's also a recipe for unhappiness.

I would certainly seek out male friends who are interested in the same things you are, while at the same time, find a new hobby for both you and your wife to enjoy tother. Something new that neither of you have tried.

 

This explains what I mean...

 

"You were born to be together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the wings of death scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together even in your silent memory.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heaven dance between you.

 

Love one another, but make not a bondage of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread, but eat not of the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,

For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together,

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in shadow.

For if one tree tries to overshadow the other,

then that one will wither and die."

Khalil Gibran

[Michelle ma Belle]

I know this feeling VERY well my friend.

 

I did the exact same thing with my (ex) husband. I pretty much molded my life around him and his likes and dislikes and he rarely ever joined me in mine or if/when he did, he would complain or find faults with it. It became too much of a hassle that I eventually stopped asking him to join in those things or stopped having hope he's change his mind because, well, he sucked the joy out of it for me and it wasn't fun anymore. It was like everything was amazing and fun and great when we did HIS things but it always seemed like such a struggle to do anything I wanted.

 

Looking back I realized I entered in this relationship with my eyes wide open and was a willing participant in closing down my life to follow his. That included my friendships.

 

Fast forward many years later, and many other issues that plagued our marriage, we divorced. What I learned from that experience was NEVER EVER again lose myself in another person. Having a life and friends and interests outside of your romantic relationship is insanely important for both of you.

 

Yes, it's wonderful if we could enjoy everything with our partner but that isn't always the realistic, is it? Relationships are about compromise, give and take but if/when it's not balancing the way it should, nurturing friendships and enjoying interests separate from your partner is all more important and even healthy.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

my wife and I spend nearly all of our free time with each other because, generally, we get along great.

 

There are a lot of contradictions in your post, makes me wonder what your expectations are.

 

How do you get along "great" with someone you say you have so little in common with? And why would you spend nearly all your free time with her?

 

You seem to be looking to her to meet all of your needs, not a realistic expectation for most people. If you're generally happy with your marriage, this is less about incompatibility and more about your failure to expand your circle of friends and acquaintances. In this day and age, there is everything from chatrooms to meet-up groups on every subject imaginable. Start putting yourself out there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Daisy2013]

She certainly can't be everything and fill all of your needs, but there is a middle ground. I certainly understand that one can be married, yet lonely. My husband is never interested in doing anything I suggest or am interested in. Never, in 19 years, although I participate in his things. His reply to me is simply "no." Won't even attend functions on my side of the family. The years of loneliness and pain have caused me to shut down and I have virtually done a 180. I hope that you find a way to communicate with her to help her understand your feelings. Life with way is miserable. Good luck!

[NTV]

Have you told her you feel like this?

[Aloneuk]

I understand this feeling very well. My H and I have drifted apart over the last few years. We are very different and whilst we both found that exciting and interesting at the start of the relationship, further down the road it is not as easy. We don't really do much together because we don't have common interests. We both try and do things that the other enjoys, but it is difficult when there's hardly anything you enjoy doing together.

 

We love each other but I do feel disconnected from him and I do miss that feeling of 'connection' with a partner.

 

All the best

[SmartDude]

I've been married going on 20 years, and while I believe your spouse should be you best friend, they shouldn't be your only friend. It's not fair to your wife to expect her to be everything to you, nor is it fair to expect her to never change or grow.

It's also a recipe for unhappiness.

I would certainly seek out male friends who are interested in the same things you are, while at the same time, find a new hobby for both you and your wife to enjoy tother. Something new that neither of you have tried.

 

This explains what I mean...

 

"You were born to be together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the wings of death scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together even in your silent memory.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heaven dance between you.

 

Love one another, but make not a bondage of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread, but eat not of the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,

For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together,

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in shadow.

For if one tree tries to overshadow the other,

then that one will wither and die."

Khalil Gibran

 

Khalil Gibran, like other smart people of the world, never got married.

[Fair]

I find it very painful and draining to be around people I can't be myself around and connect with on a meaningful level... But that said, I'm not sure what to say to you. It's a question of what you can live with and only you know that.

 

Still, I have an hunch that you will one day just up and leave... if you tell yourself long enough that something is unfulfilling one day you'll find yourself walking out the door...

 

And as for finding yourself a best friend as an adult to fill in the gaps? Ha. Good luck with that.

Edited September 30, 2016 by Fair

[Lion Heart]

I'm pretty sure you have a problem that's pretty common.

 

It can be your ATTITUDE some times. As in the cup half full vs the cup half empty.

 

I was / am a cup half full person. An optimist.

EXWH is and will be forevermore a cup half empty person.

A pessimist.

 

Take a while to examine this.

 

If you haven't discussed this all with your wife then do so gently and immediately.

 

Be careful you don't have GIGS.

 

Lion Heart

[BetheButterfly]

I've been married going on 20 years, and while I believe your spouse should be you best friend, they shouldn't be your only friend. It's not fair to your wife to expect her to be everything to you, nor is it fair to expect her to never change or grow.

It's also a recipe for unhappiness.

 

I would certainly seek out male friends who are interested in the same things you are, while at the same time, find a new hobby for both you and your wife to enjoy tother. Something new that neither of you have tried.

 

Awesome advice!!!

This explains what I mean...

 

"You were born to be together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the wings of death scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together even in your silent memory.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heaven dance between you.

 

Love one another, but make not a bondage of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread, but eat not of the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,

For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together,

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in shadow.

For if one tree tries to overshadow the other,

then that one will wither and die."

Khalil Gibran

 

Wow! Beautiful!!!

 

My hubby and I have different hobbies. I love writing and reading about politics and religion, and he doesn't.

 

I love gardening and he doesn't.

 

I love Zumba and he doesn't lol.

 

He loves riding his motorcycle with his guy friends, and I'm not yet ready to hop on lol.

 

He also love the gym, but I just go cause I have to lol, and we go to different gyms because he needs heavier weights than the gym I go to has. My gym is cheaper and smaller; I like cheap, smaller gyms. He doesn't.

 

Having our different hobbies is fun, and it makes it even more special when we do things together!!! (like going to the beach together and going out walking together)

Edited October 4, 2016 by BetheButterfly

[Lion Heart]

I'm sorry, that post of mine sounded really harsh!

 

I didn't mean to. Sorry. It was VERY late at night and my 3 teens wanted to push the midnight curfew on holidays. Lol.

 

I'm not sure what you're going through but I really feel for your situation. My first M was kind of like yours. Just a disconnect. A dissonance.

 

Same things you describe. But the longing inside me was VERY DEEP. More like a GET OUT WHILE you can type of screaming at me ALL of the last year.

 

I'm glad I did but that was almost 30y ago.

 

This last M was very similar too. But what I WANTED TO FOCUS ON was the POSITIVES.

 

Kind of like a Venn diagram lol. See where you two CROSSOVER. What are your SIMILAR interests?

 

Write them all down together. Do things you both LIKE together. And some other things apart.

 

Maybe what you feel is lacking is INTIMACY and that's more than sex. It's a closeness with your W. How can you create situations that bring you closer?

 

Alot of people love sports and certain types of movies.

I can't stand wasting my time watching stuff I don't like either. But my solution was to knit or sew whilst sitting near my H. Trying to comment which made him laugh because I had no idea what was going on but CHOSE to be a part of his life.

 

I was very VERY lonely in that M. WH never wanted to problem solve. He kept saying "I'm happy. Move out of my way". I gave up.

 

If there's alot of love, don't give up. Especially if there's fidelity in the M.

 

Inviting other couples over for BBQs or such might lighten the mood of the M. My H always embarrassed me on frontof his friends and family. So these events for me became fewer and further between.

 

I hope you start looking inwardly alot more. Knowing you can be happy even for just moments of every day. The simple things are often taken for granted and when they're lost, gone forever, you grieve for the loss of those opportunities. I know that I did my very best but this is ExWH is going through now.

 

I think you ARE doing your best and it's exhausting lol. But maybe MC would help find a CONNECTION on a deeper level. Or a weekend away. Or a weekend workshop for couples.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[spanz1]

that was a pretty long list of very trivial stuff.

 

the real question, do you still have sex like bunnies? if so, then all that other stuff does not matter.