Ending marriage / other girl

[Just a Guy]

Hi Bryce, you seem to be a text book case of a person who wants to have his cake and eat it too. All your posts indicate that you are a selfish and callous person. I think this new woman in your life has sussed this out about you. The good folk on this board have seen through your construct. You are I think , the most unreliable person going around from a relationship point of view and I wouldn't bet my bottom dollar on you. First get your self organized before you think of getting into new relationships and ruining another person's life. As it is it seems, you have already ruined your wife's life and she must be ruing the day she decided to marry you. Best wishes.

Edited September 27, 2016 by Just a Guy
Corrections.

[stillafool]

Are you sniffing something?

 

No, are you? If so, share.

[Bryce0730]

I realize I am sort of all over the place and coming off as a total dick. Trust me, I know this. I am a very good person and have always been a stand up guy. Recently though, I have done nothing to be proud of. When I said my marriage was over I meant it's over in the sense in how we conduct ourselves. My wife and I haven't been "together" in about two years. We are civil and are respectful to each other in how we live our lives at home because we are good people. We don't have big fights. We just fell out of love. I didn't plan on falling for this new girl, but I did. It is not ideal though. She is very different in many ways and not ways I like which makes this more complicated. I planned on leaving home about six months ago, but events came up with my kids and it felt awkward so I didn't. The new love did not take this well and now she doesn't believe in me. I am messing everything up and have strongly considered just leaving and giving myself time to be alone. As much as I say it, I know it will not be easy. The OW is someone I think about all the time. She is not perfect, but a beautiful person in and out. Anyway, I appreciate all the comments...even the harsh ones. For a man who always had his life in control I am failing at that right now.

[Satu]

It seems like you value your own comfort more than you value anything else.

 

That in itself, is enough to torpedo any future you might have had with the other woman.

 

You might as well forget her, because she's figured out what you're about.

[elaine567]

Ok so I take it your wife doesn't actually know that her marriage is over and that her husband is seeing another woman and "maybe" plans to move out...

[Bryce0730]

She knows it's over and I've hinted about leaving. She says to just go if you want. She doesn't know about the OW, but probably suspects it. We both know it's over which is why I think she is sort of doesn't care.

 

 

What sucks too is the OW is most likely not for me. She isn't what I want in a girlfriend.... but right now who am I to judge.

[GorillaTheater]

I realize I am sort of all over the place and coming off as a total dick. Trust me, I know this. I am a very good person and have always been a stand up guy. Recently though, I have done nothing to be proud of. When I said my marriage was over I meant it's over in the sense in how we conduct ourselves. My wife and I haven't been "together" in about two years. We are civil and are respectful to each other in how we live our lives at home because we are good people. We don't have big fights. We just fell out of love. I didn't plan on falling for this new girl, but I did. It is not ideal though. She is very different in many ways and not ways I like which makes this more complicated. I planned on leaving home about six months ago, but events came up with my kids and it felt awkward so I didn't. The new love did not take this well and now she doesn't believe in me. I am messing everything up and have strongly considered just leaving and giving myself time to be alone. As much as I say it, I know it will not be easy. The OW is someone I think about all the time. She is not perfect, but a beautiful person in and out. Anyway, I appreciate all the comments...even the harsh ones. For a man who always had his life in control I am failing at that right now.

 

 

If your marriage is over, it's over. But if that's the case, divorce your wife whether this woman will be there to catch you or not. This deal of wanting to make sure some woman will be there is dishonorable, unworthy, and absolutely unfair to both women.

 

 

I suggest to you that you're not thinking about your marriage clearly, and I wonder what she would say if asked about it. The fact is that your thinking process is clouded by endorphins-run-amok regarding the OW and fear over being left high and dry by both (which honestly and objectively not an unreasonable result).

 

 

Take a break from the OW and figure out your marriage. Give your head time to clear and determine whether your marriage should continue without factoring in whether you have any future with the OW. That ship may well have sailed in any event.

[Satu]

I doubt that you'll ever leave your wife.

 

I think you'll just carry on cohabiting with her, because it's the easiest thing to do, and easy is what you like best.

 

 

I'm done with this thread.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is much more drama in her life and that is totally new to me.

 

Drama in HER life? Does she have a spouse at home also ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bryce0730]

@ Mr. Lucky - No she is not married or with anyone. She has experienced much heartache in her life and has been with many terrible guys who are not the most law abiding gentlemen in the world. Her past relationships are with men who don't give a **** about her or treating her good. So I guess I am very different than they are in that regard. She is used to arguing, fighting and not knowing how to deal with emotions very well. She tends to get overwhelmed by life in general sometimes and doesn't cope with them well. Such as college (she returned), her job, her teenage daughter and family life.

[oldshirt]

@ Mr. Lucky - No she is not married or with anyone. She has experienced much heartache in her life and has been with many terrible guys who are not the most law abiding gentlemen in the world. Her past relationships are with men who don't give a **** about her or treating her good. So I guess I am very different than they are in that regard. She is used to arguing, fighting and not knowing how to deal with emotions very well. She tends to get overwhelmed by life in general sometimes and doesn't cope with them well. Such as college (she returned), her job, her teenage daughter and family life.

 

Wow, you really don't get it.

 

She is definitely keeping with tradition in the toxic men and toxic relationship department and you don't even realize it.

 

You are kind of Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense where he doesn't realize he is the ghost.

 

You think you are great to her and that she should be rolling out the red carpet for her, but actually you are just another one of the guys that uses and exploits her and you don't get why she is so hesitant.

 

Here's the bad news for you - very few affairs survive the divorce.

 

They may be all hot and steamy while people are sneaking into clandestine motel rooms, but once the divorce comes along with all it's associated dirty laundry and turmoil and chaos, the warts and blemishes of both the AP and the WS start to come into full view.

 

You see there is something broken inside both of you that has brought you together and what holds you together is the marriage and the BS that is allowing this affair to occur.

 

You want a piece of side action but very very very few women are going to want to be a piece of side action for some boarish married man.

 

But there is something broken inside your AP that makes her vulnerable and susceptible to the schmoozing talk of a MM. Remember she's not out dating eligible single men - there is a reason for that. She is either a train wreck and they ran the other way as fast as they can. Or there is something so damaged inside of her that makes her run for the hills when a decent single guy comes around.

 

She knows you are trouble and chaos and pain in a can, but to a broken person there is a level of safety and comfort in a married person. Married people can be fun but once they want more or they aren't fun anymore, they can be sent home to their spouse. It's the spouse that gets to wash their underwear and deal with them when they are sick etc.

 

So what happens when you divorce is now you become a single man. But she doesn't want single men, she is damaged and broken remember?

 

And once you are single man, now you aren't just limited to the messed up train wrecks that settle for married men. Now you have a chance with all the single women and some of them are going to be halfway squared away.

 

so add that all up and that pretty much spells doom for your relationship with your AP once you are divorced.

 

You are wanting her to promise you a safety net to fall into if you divorce. But that safety net is a mirage because your real safety net is your marriage and your complicit BW (complicit even if not consenting)

 

You're in a dream world. You are trying to count unicorns that don't even exist.

[Mr. Lucky]

@ Mr. Lucky - No she is not married or with anyone.

 

Learned my lesson, no more sarcasm as it's obviously wasted here.

 

I was pointing out the irony of you describing her turmoil when you're currently providing much of it. You're a part-time BF, going home each night to sleep with your wife in your house. So yes, she has drama in her life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gloria25]

Maybe you should consider some counseling - for you...cuz seems like you gravitate towards difficult women.

 

I mean, is your marriage so terrible that you had to resort to getting an OW who also depriving you of attention/affection?

 

Look, I have problems trusting guys and allowing them to get close - but when I'm with one guy, I'm with "him" (well, unless the guy I'm with is seeing other people...then, I'm not gonna sit at home like a fool waiting on him...but, even then, I'm still a 'one man woman'). So, why your OW needs to have more than one guy up her skirt at the same time, I don't know...

 

So, sorry, seems like this OW is unstable...or, she's using you. Are you giving her money, buying her stuff?

 

You sound like a guy I met through some friends...he's been married for years, wife is cold, abusive, etc. He pays for wife's kids and bills. So, he gets him a mistress - who also is taking money from him and treats him like crap too. The guy, I guess, is a masochist or something. I mean, isn't the whole point of an OW to get better treatment than you do at home?

Edited September 28, 2016 by Gloria25

[anika99]

Oldshirt nailed it. You are just another toxic and unhealthy relationship for this OW. You are drama to her. Do you think drama is only about yelling and fighting and abuse? Affairs are dramatic. There is lots of pain, lots of highs and lows, lots of uncertainty, lots of wishing and longing, lots of distrust. That emotional roller coaster is highly dramatic. Your OW obviously has issues and you are a symptom of her issues. Her choice to become involved with you proves that she is still trapped in her toxic behaviour.

[Cyra]

I planned on leaving home about six months ago, but events came up with my kids and it felt awkward so I didn't.

 

There is always going to be some 'good' reason not to leave. Now it's almost Xmas so I cannot do it. Now my kid is going to a new school so I cannot do it. Now my wife's mother is sick so I cannot do it.

Trust me I have heard all these before and if you are fooling yourself into thinking that next month it is going to be easier then wake up and get a grip. No wonder this girl does not trust you when you already backed out once. She is smart to be keeping her guard and not letting herself become fully emotionally involved with you.

I wish I would have been that smart.

Words mean nothing, only actions speak. Act like a man and not a little boy who needs a mother, maybe when she sees that you actually mean what you say and are able to back it up with a tangible action, she will welcome you. And if not, at least you will have been a man and stood up for what is true.

[dreamingoftigers]

That is my plan. Honestly, my current girl is hesitant on being with me because I am still home and I am unsure she will be with me afterwards. For this reason I am slow to move. Just prolonging the inevitable.

 

So....

 

You are sounding pretty much like the typical MM is that's the case.

 

You say yoir wife know that you are finished. I would find living with an ended relationship pretty insufferable, regardless of what is going on outside of the relationship.

 

Does that mean you actually point-blank TOLD your wife, and them went back to behaving like status quo (mixed message) or that you've been trying to act differently, but haven't really said too much yet? (Again, another mixed message).

 

I also can't imagine staying as a wife with a husband whos "met someone a year ago." Does she know about the gf?

 

And if you are SLOWING DOWN because you down know if you can't jump ship, doesn't the say you aren't very dedicated to building a life with gf and you are doing what almost every MM does, holding on, claiming "it's all finished."

 

Your actions don't appear to be matching your (alleged) intentions. That's a red flag for any woman with half of a brain.

[dreamingoftigers]

She knows it's over and I've hinted about leaving. She says to just go if you want. She doesn't know about the OW, but probably suspects it. We both know it's over which is why I think she is sort of doesn't care.

 

 

What sucks too is the OW is most likely not for me. She isn't what I want in a girlfriend.... but right now who am I to judge.

 

Okay Buddy.

 

You aren't "leaving a long-term marriage that's over."

 

You are sitting on the couch, expressing some disconnection saying "I don't like it here anymore. I wanna be somewhere else. What's on Netflix?"

 

How is your wife supposed to care and how is your gf supposed to stop exploring other, better, more committed options?

 

You are just sitting in the middle criticizing both women for not being enough "whatever" for you while you use one for stability and one for "relations and escape."

 

A LOT of wayward spouses treat their affairs/relationships as thought they are something that "just happened" to them.

 

I bet if you put effort and commitment into either relationship you would either fix it OR get a solid answer very quickly and end up at some kind of peace with it.

 

Stop sitting in the middle using people. Grow up and make your own life.

 

You know, you also don't need an OW to get out and leave your marriage. You can do that all on your own.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are correct on what I should do. I do know what to do, however it is not easy. I guess I want some assurance from my current love that she will be there for me when I leave home. She will not do that. It's selfish, but easier for me to move out if I have her to be with me. If I don't I will not have either and that will hurt. Not saying it's the right thing to do, but it's the honest thought I have.

 

Okay. Adult time.

 

If you make a big change in your life, it's going to hurt, and you will come through it and survive.

 

Is your life a series of conflict-avoidance and "taking the easy way out."

 

I bet it really, really looks that way.

 

When you can't cope with your own fear and pain very well, you get dependent on others to shield you from it.

 

I bet that's why your wife is detached from you too. I am willing to bet she's done a lot over the years regarding this, only to be rewarded with no attachment and a lot of frustration.

 

Your gf already seems to be in that pattern.

 

You've got to fix whatever is in YOU that is so dependent on women.

 

Figure out what you have to OFFER your relationships instead of what you can get.

[dreamingoftigers]

I realize I am sort of all over the place and coming off as a total dick. Trust me, I know this. I am a very good person and have always been a stand up guy. Recently though, I have done nothing to be proud of. When I said my marriage was over I meant it's over in the sense in how we conduct ourselves. My wife and I haven't been "together" in about two years. We are civil and are respectful to each other in how we live our lives at home because we are good people. We don't have big fights. We just fell out of love. I didn't plan on falling for this new girl, but I did. It is not ideal though. She is very different in many ways and not ways I like which makes this more complicated. I planned on leaving home about six months ago, but events came up with my kids and it felt awkward so I didn't. The new love did not take this well and now she doesn't believe in me. I am messing everything up and have strongly considered just leaving and giving myself time to be alone. As much as I say it, I know it will not be easy. The OW is someone I think about all the time. She is not perfect, but a beautiful person in and out. Anyway, I appreciate all the comments...even the harsh ones. For a man who always had his life in control I am failing at that right now.

 

SO MANY MM do the "I'm a good guy. No really I am."

 

I'm sure you aren't out there raping goats and stealing children in the night, okay.

 

But are you actually doing the things good men do right now?

 

Does your behaviour reflect that of a "good man?"

 

Don't gloss over it or minimize it. Think about it.

 

I don't like to think of people as good men / bad men.

 

I think most people couldn't accurately judge themselves anyways. But I do think most people could measure their individual behaviours.

 

For instance: is there anything RESPECTFUL about sitting at home and screwing around?

 

Are you respectful towards your wife? Regardless of how you FEEL about her. Are you RESPECTFUL?

 

Ten bucks says you still sleep in the same bed. Maybe not every night. But I bet you still do.

 

Ugh. I am reminded of seeing my husband bawling his eyes out saying "but I'm a good person" after he had done some really really stupid sht. And honestly, I know he really believed it. But I really don't get how that makes you any less responsible for you actions. If anything at all it should tell you, "I'm not going to treat two women like this because I AM A GOOD PERSON."

 

But rarely do people use that defense as a baseline to act respectfully towards others.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ok so I take it your wife doesn't actually know that her marriage is over and that her husband is seeing another woman and "maybe" plans to move out...

 

Something tells me that would make things very inconvenient.

 

This is right before the lines:

 

"She's crazy! Of course I never slept with her! Have you seen her? She's stalking me! I've tried to get her to leave me alone so many times! You know I'm a good guy. I would never do that to you!"

 

"Okay, fine I slept with her. But it was just ONE TIME and I was really unhappy. You know I'm a good guy! I wasn't trying to hurt you!"

 

"Okay, fine it was more than one time. I couldn't help myself! You know I'm a good guy and I wasn't doing this to hurt you. It's just that you are so cold. We have had so many problems. I'll make it better I promise! Give me a chance!"

 

"Yeah, yeah, you are making too much of this. The 'marriage was over' for a long time. I shouldn't have to move or give up any assets because of one little affair! This is your fault! I'm the good guy here. I just wanted some love. You were a terrible wife. This is all your fault!"

 

_---------

 

" oh, um, my last relationship... Well, you see my wife and I "grew apart." But that won't happen with you. You see, I'm a pretty good guy. And I can tell you are a good girl that likes to take care of people. You're special. And I think we should move in together."

 

"Oh seriously!? I have to make an effort here!? You sound just like my ex-wife! I am a good guy! I don't deserve this!"

[dreamingoftigers]

@ Mr. Lucky - No she is not married or with anyone. She has experienced much heartache in her life and has been with many terrible guys who are not the most law abiding gentlemen in the world. Her past relationships are with men who don't give a **** about her or treating her good. So I guess I am very different than they are in that regard. She is used to arguing, fighting and not knowing how to deal with emotions very well. She tends to get overwhelmed by life in general sometimes and doesn't cope with them well. Such as college (she returned), her job, her teenage daughter and family life.

 

She doesn't seem to be very apt at screening potential partners (to say the least).

 

She's had criminals and contentious relationships and now she's dating a married guy who's living at home.

 

That doesn't suggest stability.

 

Now, you keep saying you've shown her so much love.

 

I am curious as to how. I find it difficult to show love without demonstrating respect. But I know it's not an uncommon thing for people to say.

 

I am asking because I have a lot of confusion with that in my own life.