Is it ever possible to be friends?

[Lous2807]

I'm a few weeks down the line from a brief but rather intense affair. I was friends with MM back when we were younger and we were pretty close back then but grew apart over the years with only sporadic contact.

 

A few months ago we bumped in to each other on a night out and he suggested going for a drink. It was so lovely to catch up and we really reconnected. From there came daily phone calls and texting all day and night until eventually we were in a full blown affair. I know how wrong it was and I never intended to hurt anybody. There was never any question he would leave his wife.

 

Eventually his wife became suspiscious and we agreed to end it. I fully understand that this needed to happen and of course knew that someday it would have to. However, neither of us wants to end the friendship and he calls me once or twice a week which I really enjoy. I won't lie, I do have feelings for him and I believe he does for me too although I may be wrong on that count. I've gotten used to not talking to him all day long and I feel like I'd rather have him in my life than not at all.

 

Am I just kidding myself that we can just be friends again? From what I've read on here it seems like I just need to cut him off completely. I just don't feel like I can do that? Is he just continuing the contact out of guilt?

[Patrice]

Especially if you want more. You will be putting your life on hold, until he has a weak moment and the affair will continue. You won't be investing your time in YOU, your future and making yourself available for a single good man ... I would say NC, and be done with it. You will be sitting around for years, waiting for crumbs.

[eye of the storm]

I tried it. Everyone on LS told me not to. I thought I was smarter and less emotional and could handle it....I was wrong.

 

Trying to stay friends with him kept me attached to him. Which meant I could not move on from our A.

 

It added years to our A.

 

You want to stay friends so you stay close. If you want to move on from the A, you have to move on from him.

 

I am so sorry.

[Satu]

snip

 

Eventually his wife became suspiscious and *we agreed to end it. I fully understand that this needed to happen and of course knew that someday it would have to. However, neither of us wants to end the friendship and he calls me once or twice a week which I really enjoy. I won't lie, I do have feelings for him and I believe he does for me too although I may be wrong on that count. I've gotten used to not talking to him all day long and I feel like I'd rather have him in my life than not at all.

 

**Am I just kidding myself that we can just be friends again? From what I've read on here it seems like I just need to cut him off completely. I just don't feel like I can do that? Is he just continuing the contact out of guilt?

 

*You're still talking, probably behind his wife's back, so you haven't ended it. Its clear that you want the emotional affair to continue, and it seems that he wants that too. He's still being unfaithful to his wife, and you still think that thats ok, as long as you get what you want.

 

**Yes, you are.

 

You are conducting an emotional affair, and you want that to continue.

 

The 'friends' idea is just a new party dress for the affair to wear.

 

 

Take care.

[Lous2807]

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate your honesty. I guess I hadn't really thought about it still being an emotional affair. I guess that's just as bad and I feel guilty enough already.

 

Is it best to talk and agree NC? Or to just ignore his calls? I don't want to hurt him.

[jenkins95]

(((Lous)))

 

I'm in agreement with the others on this - it's a complete no no. Full, strict permanent nc is the only way to recover. It's very tough at first, but well worth it.

 

This thread was started in the very same subject just last week: -

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/596135-has-anybody-become-friends-affair-partner-after-relationship-over

 

The advice and opinion on that thread are just as emphatic and they have been.... And will be.... On this thread. And these replies are written from people who have been there. Many thought they could be the exception, but just ended up getting dragged back into the A and/or causing nothing but more pain.

 

For every single player in your story, total NC is the right decision.

 

NC all the way, no new hurts. You can do it! We are here for you. It will be months before the desire to contact him subsides - be strong and ride it out and don't respond when/if (probably when) he breaks NC, make us proud of you. Learn from our stupid mistakes. It's false, toxic comfort to continue any contact after an A. Like many others, I (as the xMM) got burned and hurt further by contact after the A. It did nothing but confuse me, further disrespect my wife and cause hurt, paranoia and stress everywhere.

 

Post to us when you get those urges to post to him.

 

Good luck!

Edited September 26, 2016 by jenkins95

[Lous2807]

Thank you jenkins95. I guess I've just been clutching at straws hoping that somehow my situation was different. It's not. I just didn't want to hear it. It's good to feel I am not alone in this. You're right in that I think perhaps it confuses us both. I won't contact him. I just hope I'm strong enough to get through not answering his calls. It's not what I want but I guess this chapter of my life has to be over

[Satu]

Thank you jenkins95. I guess I've just been clutching at straws hoping that somehow my situation was different. It's not. I just didn't want to hear it. It's good to feel I am not alone in this. You're right in that I think perhaps it confuses us both. I won't contact him. *I just hope I'm strong enough to get through not answering his calls. It's not what I want but I guess this chapter of my life has to be over

 

*You won't be, because you want him to call you.

 

So you have to block him and delete his phone number, and any internet addresses you have for him.

 

Half measures don't cut it.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Or you could sit, waiting and hoping, for a crumb to fall from his table.

 

(Not recommended.)

 

 

Take care.

[Birdies]

Is it best to talk and agree NC? Or to just ignore his calls? I don't want to hurt him.

 

I think it'd be perfectly fine to tell him that while you care for him very much, you can't be friends given your history and given that he's married, so you wish him well but you'll be blocking his number from now on. Especially if you don't want to hurt him like you said, having some closure seems like it might be easier for both of you.

 

Good luck getting past this, hugs

[Lous2807]

Thank you Satu.

It sounds like that is the only way. Most of that is already taken care of. I will delete and block his number. We have been friends for many years though and I feel I should tell him what I am doing. I still care for him as a person and shouldn't just cut him off with no explanation. Is that wrong? Sorry to ask so many questions!

We live in fairly close proximity so I am likely to bump in to him at some point in the future. how should I handle that?

[Lous2807]

Thank you birdies. That makes a lot of sense. This is going to be so tough.

[Satu]

Thank you Satu.

It sounds like that is the only way. Most of that is already taken care of. I will delete and block his number. We have been friends for many years though and I feel I should tell him what I am doing. I still care for him as a person and shouldn't just cut him off with no explanation. *Is that wrong? Sorry to ask so many questions!

We live in fairly close proximity so **I am likely to bump in to him at some point in the future. how should I handle that?

 

*No, it's not wrong.

 

**"Hi, hello. I think its best we don't chat. Have a nice day, bye."

[imperfectangel]

I just told my mm not to contact me again. Simple as that.

 

You don't need a long drawn out conversation. If you both know it needs to end, for whatever reason you won't need to explain, he'll know why

[Friskyone4u]

Lou's,

 

Read what imperfect angel just wrote to you.

 

You will not end this by having an emotional "sorry it did not work out" parting of the ways. You pull the band aid off, and put him out of your life. if you do not do that you are fooling yourself.

 

This "staying friends" stuff just means you want to keep your option open to restart the affair again. And if he persists and b comes devious in trying to break NC with you, you need to tell his wife ( which you really should do anyway). That would insure he had no desire to be "friends" with you.

 

Once a man understands there is absolutely no opportunity for any more sex he will not be craving your friendship anymore. The "friends" ship sailed when you climbed into bed with him.

 

Do the right thing and block everything and no mushy good byes

[Methodical]

Theoretically, anything is possible. Realistically, a platonic friendship with someone you've had an affair with and admittedly still have feelings for...no. You'll always want more, and he will too, so long as he can have his cake and eat it too.

[WisdomOverEmotion]

I agree with FO4U. No mushy good byes. It's like closing the door on the A but forgetting to lock it and throw away the key!

 

If he knows how much you mean to him, he will sense the vulnerability and will find ways to come creeping back when he feels like it.

Surely you have self respect? Tell yourself - yes I do!

 

Chances of me bumping into my XAP are high too. I thought if I did, I would pretend to not notice, look the other way and continue with whatever I am doing. If you can't, what Satu suggested was a perfect way to handle it.

 

Be firm. Be strong. Stick to NC rules. You're better off this way.

 

Good luck x

Edited September 27, 2016 by WisdomOverEmotion

[Lous2807]

Thank you everyone. I know that you all know what you're talking about, I think I just needed to be told! It really sucks but I know that you're all right. That I shouldn't be sitting around clinging on to the crumbs that he throws me. I think I've been pretending to myself that that's not what I'm doing. But I am.

 

I believe that if I tell him not to contact me that he will respect that. A friendship can't be justified any more. I just want to fast forward to a time when I won't miss him any more

[Friskyone4u]

Lous,

 

You are on the right track, but you are wrong about one thing. If you have an emotional good bye talk for "closure", why on earth do you think he will honor that. ??? Because he is such an honorable man??? I think his wife might disagree.

 

And as long as you know you are cutting this off on GREAT terms, it is going to be harder for you ti put this behind you. I'm not pounding you for not telling his wife, but one reason people suggest that sometimes is it puts another set of eyes on him and if he is busting his ass trying to save his marriage it is much less likely he is going to try to "lure" you back in.

 

The kinder and gentler you end this the harder it is going to by. You do not have to be mean, but by meeting or talking again you are searching for one last dose of ego kibbles.

 

Go "crickets" totally and unconditionally and you will be out of this mess much quicker.

[imperfectangel]

For me I wanted to be with my mm. I am in love with him but he will always be married. He told me this. That is the end. Done. Au reviour what's the point when you both want different things? What will it achieve? Only more of the same

[Confused9999]

I'm with the others!

 

You have to go NC. I tried to be friends with my OW but everytime we met it was reopening the want and desire and was painful. I would think about her all the time.

 

I am NC now for 6 months and don't think very often about her and it is MUCH better this way.

[Lous2807]

Thanks again for your responses. I really do appreciate your advice.

Frisky, I completely understand what you're saying. An emotional goodbye is completely unecessary. I do feel that he will respect my wishes if I ask him not to contact me. Clearly he's less than honourable but I believe that he can and will do this. I will not tell his wife. She has cheated on him before but does not deserve this regardless.

 

Angel, I agree. What's the point? Ive read through many of you posts. How are you coping with NC?

 

Confused, I'm glad NC has worked so well for you. Was there a turning point in your attempts to be friends that made it clear that it was the only option?

[imperfectangel]

I am struggling. Sometimes I am dying to contact him so much I have literally sat on my hands before! BUT he can't give me what I want. I am only prolonging the inevitable.

 

It was Saturday I told him not to contact me again so I'm on day 4. No tears. Just trying to move on so that eventually I can be in a happy healthy and most importantly a commited relationship with someone I can actually call whenever I want. I won't have to wonder if I'm allowed to text or if I'd be better emailing etc. Someone I can introduce to friends and family and I can actually talk to.

 

Me and mm didn't talk much about life since any story he has obviously would include his wife so I never asked

 

It isn't healthy

 

I really do miss him and love him but we want different things

[Lous2807]

It's so hard. Is this the longest you've gone without contact so far? Is he blocked on everything or have you just asked him not to contact you?

 

You are so right. It's not healthy and you deserve something so much better. I guess sometimes we just have to accept that some things are just not meant to be and move on. Sure does hurt though!

[Satu]

Here is a poem that is relevant to the thread topic.

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

— Arthur Symons

 

 

Take care.

[imperfectangel]

I ignored him for a little over a week before I went full nc. I considered seeing him to talk face to face but he had a weekends away with his wife and that hurt pushed me over the edge. Unhappily married people don't go away for weekends. I wanted to die. The weekend was really hard for me.

 

He's blocked on fb (so is his wife) and what's app. I haven't blocked his number or email as I'm worried about him showing up at my house.

 

I've never ended it with him so abruptly before. I always wrote long emotional emails. If literally pour my soul out and then get some email back about having sex with me or something totally unrelated I'm not even sure he read my emails!

 

I'm just over it. Same **** different day with him.

 

I really miss him