Is it ever possible to be friends?

[Confused9999]

 

Confused, I'm glad NC has worked so well for you. Was there a turning point in your attempts to be friends that made it clear that it was the only option?

 

There was no real "aha" moment.

 

I just said to myself that enough is enough and it's got to stop. I can't be with her and all I am doing is creating pain for both of us. So I just stopped contacting her. Weeks turned into months and it become much easier.

 

I do still think of her every now and then but it feels distant and almost like another life.

[jenkins95]

I guess it's not hard to call on a withheld number either although I don't answer those.

 

And no. No I really don't want to feel like this in a years time. Even a months time. I realise we can never be just friends after all that has happened. I just don't want to cut him off even though I know deep down I should. I know I want more. I have also come to terms with the fact that I will never get more. I know he wasn't happy but I don't know much more than that as we didn't talk about his marriage a lot. I suppose that made it easier to pretend that that part didn't exist. I think he needs for me to not be around so that he can focus on working on his marriage and as it is always him that contacts me I guess the only way to do that is to block him. I just really don't want to! How do I get to a point where I actually want to do that? Or will I never get there and just need to get it over and done with!?

 

Big hug (((Lous))). I know it's tough. My xAP and I went through a pathetic limbo of several months knowing it had to end but too weak to actually do it. So much damage occurred in those months and it added even more months to my recovery. In the end I knew that I would literally go crazy and possibly be a suicide risk if it went on longer, so I dug into my deepest reserves and finally stopped being a coward. That was over a year ago. I am much better, my marriage is much better and I really hope the xAP is much better.

 

"Much Better" but not completely recovered. That will be a work in progress for the rest of our lives.

 

When you say you don't want to feel this way even in a month, I caution you to be realistic. It is VERY rare for people in an affair to be feeling much better that soon. It is commonly reported that it takes the months to notice even a slight improvement. I say this because it would be tragic to do a months hard work in NC and then weaken and end up back at square one after a month because you expected to feel better by then. You have to be in this for the long haul and exercise steely determination even when you feel weak.

 

The good news is that you are not alone. Many of us walk that path with you. We are here for you. Keep posting. We can get there together.

 

I'm really rooting for you Lous.

Edited September 28, 2016 by jenkins95

[imperfectangel]

When I asked if she wanted to feel the same in a month I didn't mean she would be 100% back to normal.

 

What I meant was that she won't be constantly waiting on him, getting the rush when he texts then the come down after he disappears back to wifey.

 

Feeling horrible but knowing you're moving on for a better future is much different to feeling horrible but staying, knowing the only guarantee you have is for more hurt

[jenkins95]

When I asked if she wanted to feel the same in a month I didn't mean she would be 100% back to normal.

 

What I meant was that she won't be constantly waiting on him, getting the rush when he texts then the come down after he disappears back to wifey.

 

Feeling horrible but knowing you're moving on for a better future is much different to feeling horrible but staying, knowing the only guarantee you have is for more hurt

 

Great point IA. She may not feel "better" for several months, but a solid month's NC should at least remove the drama and the uncertainty and the constant waiting around for contact and introduce some stability. This is a very necessary first step to achieve to go into the full long haul recovery mode and not look back. Same for you IA - I'm watching your posts with interest and I am very impressed at your attitude, determination and resolve in the face of such hurt. In fact, I'm very very proud of you. Keep going as you are. Thinking of you

[imperfectangel]

I'm not doing so well tonight. I'm fine during the day but once it's evening, kid in bed and a quiet house means my mind wonders.

 

I really miss him. Very tempted to break nc, jus to explain myself. I know he won't reply though. Maybe tomorrow (not)

[Lous2807]

There was no real "aha" moment.

 

I just said to myself that enough is enough and it's got to stop. I can't be with her and all I am doing is creating pain for both of us. So I just stopped contacting her. Weeks turned into months and it become much easier.

 

I do still think of her every now and then but it feels distant and almost like another life.

 

Thank you. How long did it take for you to get to that point?

[Lous2807]

Big hug (((Lous))). I know it's tough. My xAP and I went through a pathetic limbo of several months knowing it had to end but too weak to actually do it. So much damage occurred in those months and it added even more months to my recovery. In the end I knew that I would literally go crazy and possibly be a suicide risk if it went on longer, so I dug into my deepest reserves and finally stopped being a coward. That was over a year ago. I am much better, my marriage is much better and I really hope the xAP is much better.

 

"Much Better" but not completely recovered. That will be a work in progress for the rest of our lives.

 

When you say you don't want to feel this way even in a month, I caution you to be realistic. It is VERY rare for people in an affair to be feeling much better that soon. It is commonly reported that it takes the months to notice even a slight improvement. I say this because it would be tragic to do a months hard work in NC and then weaken and end up back at square one after a month because you expected to feel better by then. You have to be in this for the long haul and exercise steely determination even when you feel weak.

 

The good news is that you are not alone. Many of us walk that path with you. We are here for you. Keep posting. We can get there together.

 

I'm really rooting for you Lous.

 

Thank you so much for your support. I'm under no illusions that I will be better in a month. I know that's not what angel meant. I'd like to wake up tomorrow and feel better but obviously that's never going to happen! I just don't want to be sat here in a years time in the same situation. I'm just so up and down at the moment. One minute I think I'm coping, the next I'm in tears. Either way this is going to be painful, I just need to push through this to save myself from prolonging that pain indefinitely.

 

I'm glad that you're marriage is much better now. You sound so positive

[Lous2807]

I'm not doing so well tonight. I'm fine during the day but once it's evening, kid in bed and a quiet house means my mind wonders.

 

I really miss him. Very tempted to break nc, jus to explain myself. I know he won't reply though. Maybe tomorrow (not)

 

I'm totally with you on that. It's much much harder in the evenings. It's so hard to distract yourself all the time which is what I find I need to do at the moment.

[imperfectangel]

I'm totally with you on that. It's much much harder in the evenings. It's so hard to distract yourself all the time which is what I find I need to do at the moment.

 

I have actually had thoughts where I've been like **** it. I feel miserable with him and without him so I might as well see him and get something out of it.

 

I'm going for a early night otherwise I think I'm going break. I've even listen to old voicemails. What a loser

[jenkins95]

((Lous)) and ((IA))

 

You are both amazing - be strong. It's such a bumpy ride - bad days mixed with not so bad days, and then eventually..... Good days. And I so understand in IA's situation that evenings are worst... When she is alone with her thoughts and the business and distraction of the day calmed down.

 

You will both get there. Stay strong and have faith that your brain chemistry and hormonal balance will inevitably change (sorry to be coldly scientific... But it is true). Humans have a great capacity for hurt...... But the same capacity for recovery. Look after yourselves. You deserve it

[jenkins95]

I have actually had thoughts where I've been like **** it. I feel miserable with him and without him so I might as well see him and get something out of it.

 

I'm going for a early night otherwise I think I'm going break. I've even listen to old voicemails. What a loser

 

What you are going through is quite normal Lous - take comfort in that.

 

You are breaking an addiction..... There's not much tougher challenge in life - it's pure hell -ask any alcoholic. But they recover.... And so will you.

[Lous2807]

I have actually had thoughts where I've been like **** it. I feel miserable with him and without him so I might as well see him and get something out of it.

 

I'm going for a early night otherwise I think I'm going break. I've even listen to old voicemails. What a loser

 

I know just how you feel. Hope you get some sleep

[Lous2807]

What you are going through is quite normal Lous - take comfort in that.

 

You are breaking an addiction..... There's not much tougher challenge in life - it's pure hell -ask any alcoholic. But they recover.... And so will you.

 

That's exactly what it feels like. An addiction. I wake up thinking about him, go to sleep thinking about him, even dream about him sometimes. I see him everywhere even if it's not really him. It's crazy. That's why I agree with everyone that NC is the best way forward. I just need to get him out of my head (at least to some extent) so that I can get on with my life. The whole time I'm letting him in I'm holding myself back.

[Jemima1234]

I am so with you all on this. I go through times of thinking this is for the best and then times of thinking I am miserable without him so may as well have contact! But contact hurts too!!!! Such a horrible cycle!

 

Helps to come on here and read others stories and not feel so alone - tho wish none of us were going through this

 

I think back to times before the affair when I was content - not happy but at peace to some extent. I wish I didn't love my xMM this much!!!!!!

[rainbowsandkittens]

I have actually had thoughts where I've been like **** it. I feel miserable with him and without him so I might as well see him and get something out of it.

 

I'm going for a early night otherwise I think I'm going break. I've even listen to old voicemails. What a loser

 

Yes but without him you have a chance of feeling better eventually. With him there is absolutely no chance of that. In fact, it will just cause more and more hurt.

[Lous2807]

I am so with you all on this. I go through times of thinking this is for the best and then times of thinking I am miserable without him so may as well have contact! But contact hurts too!!!! Such a horrible cycle!

 

Helps to come on here and read others stories and not feel so alone - tho wish none of us were going through this

 

I think back to times before the affair when I was content - not happy but at peace to some extent. I wish I didn't love my xMM this much!!!!!!

 

It really is a horrible cycle. Pain or pain? Great choice!

 

It's so helpful to see that others are going through similar things but making it out the other side. Gives me hope!

[Satu]

I have actually had thoughts where I've been like **** it. I feel miserable with him and without him so I might as well see him and get something out of it.

 

I'm going for a early night otherwise I think I'm going break. I've even listen to old voicemails. What a loser

 

You're not a loser; not at all.

 

Sleep well.

[Patrice]

mistake, we all make mistakes.

[Birdies]

The thing is, if you wait until you WANT to cut him off, you never will! That's why the blocking is key. You know it's what you need to do so just give yourself a deadline (tonight???) And do it! You can do this! This is the only way to get your life back in the long run.

[Confused9999]

Thank you. How long did it take for you to get to that point?

 

 

I think after about 3 months of absolutely no contact the emotions start being not as strong and you don't have that urgency and longing for them.

Once you pass that point then you start to think of them less often.

Then the next stage is that when you do think of them it feels more distant and not "as real".

 

I wish you luck and be strong!!!

I am living proof there is light at the end of the tunnel... However it's important that really there is NC, especially in the first 3 months, because as soon as there is contact you fall right back down in the rabbit hole!

 

You have to have time and distance to normalize your emotions and dopamine in your brain.

[imsosad]

Oh,it is so hard.

I think tgat NC in itself is a cycle. If you keep it, resist, don't break, you learn that you can do it. When another wave of loss and longing comes over you, you can fall back on the other waves you managed to pull through. You already know you can do it.

Breaking NC makes you doubt yourself. It makes you think no, i cant do it. It also lets the AP know you cant do it.

Remember though, all this longing and pain could go away not by breaking nc, but by the AP willing to leave and be with you full time. It is not NC that is causing the pain,but the affair being an affair.

Breaking NC is prolonging the hurt and suffering.

Stay strong, L and IA. You can do this and in a while, it will pay off.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I think after about 3 months of absolutely no contact the emotions start being not as strong and you don't have that urgency and longing for them.

Once you pass that point then you start to think of them less often.

Then the next stage is that when you do think of them it feels more distant and not "as real".

 

 

confused...i am starting to reach the point where it feels more distant like "did that really happen?" and it makes me sad. i don't want to lose the feelings we shared. they were incredible. but i do want the pain to stop. afraid of going back to the deadened state i was in.

[Alamo657]

I'm a few weeks down the line from a brief but rather intense affair. I was friends with MM back when we were younger and we were pretty close back then but grew apart over the years with only sporadic contact.

 

A few months ago we bumped in to each other on a night out and he suggested going for a drink. It was so lovely to catch up and we really reconnected. From there came daily phone calls and texting all day and night until eventually we were in a full blown affair. I know how wrong it was and I never intended to hurt anybody. There was never any question he would leave his wife.

 

Eventually his wife became suspiscious and we agreed to end it. I fully understand that this needed to happen and of course knew that someday it would have to. However, neither of us wants to end the friendship and he calls me once or twice a week which I really enjoy. I won't lie, I do have feelings for him and I believe he does for me too although I may be wrong on that count. I've gotten used to not talking to him all day long and I feel like I'd rather have him in my life than not at all.

 

Am I just kidding myself that we can just be friends again? From what I've read on here it seems like I just need to cut him off completely. I just don't feel like I can do that? Is he just continuing the contact out of guilt?

Why would you want to be friends with someone you know is a liar and a cheat ?

[Satu]

I'll chip in with a Kleinian viewpoint:

 

 

*I suspect that its as difficult as it is, because you are projecting the love that you don't, but should feel for yourself, onto the affair partner, where you can allow yourself to feel it and adore it.*

 

 

I don't think that these feelings have anything to do with the affair partner.

 

Thats my viewpoint, accept or reject it as you see fit.

 

*************************************************************

 

Klein's Projective Identification

 

Klein introduced the concept of projective identification (Klein, 1946), in which splitting is followed by projection of the split-off fragments, which are consequently disowned and attributed to someone else. The motive for projective identification can be so varied (Rosenfeld, 1971) that it is always necessary to specify in detail what the particular aim is at any time. The result, however, although varying in extent, is always a denial of separateness between self and the object, and a consequent depletion of personal resources, as well as a distortion of the object, which is experienced as if it contained the disowned attributes.

 

One of the most important consequences of the theory of projective identification is that it enables us to formulate the aim of psychoanalysis in new terms. According to this model, the aim of psychoanalysis is to help the patient to achieve an integration and to regain parts of himself that have become unavailable because they have been split off and projected."

(Mark Winborn)

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Satu

[Confused9999]

confused...i am starting to reach the point where it feels more distant like "did that really happen?" and it makes me sad. i don't want to lose the feelings we shared. they were incredible. but i do want the pain to stop. afraid of going back to the deadened state i was in.

 

I hear you! When I had the affair it was hot and intense. I felt "alive"

 

But then stop and think.. were those good feelings sustainable, or just your emotions and brain going crazy. If that state of existence is not sustainable then you made the right choice.