Should I reach out to her?

[ZayKayWill]

Hey all...so it's been about 8 months since me and my ex have broken up. She broke up with me...to make a long story short she basically got mad that I bought an ex-gf before her a gift for her birthday. It was a pretty generous gift. A skydiving certificate. I know a lot of you are probably reading this right now and thinking, "Why the **** would you buy your ex such a generous gift especially if you already have a girlfriend?". I get it...maybe it wasn't the best of ideas for me to do what I did, but I honestly don't see why it was such a big deal. The ex gf before her always just kind of had a crappy birthday, and she's always wanted to go skydiving (and it's something that I liked to do fairly frequently, so I figured maybe she would like to go as friends one time or something). I reached out to an uncountable number of people on this issue and they have reassured me that I haven't done anything wrong. At most they said that they can see why she would have been upset for maybe a day or 2, but shouldn't have caused a break up. I can see why she would question my actions, but I straight up told her about buying the gift...I didn't hide anything period, so I guess I figured she would have understood, especially since she was 10 years older than me. It's crazy, too, because she didn't break up with me right away. I got the gift back in November during Thanksgiving (That was the ex ex's birthday) and I told her right away about it. She did indicate that she wasn't too thrilled about it, but I figured she had just moved on and understood where I was coming from. It wasn't until 2 months after that that she finally broke it off with me. It was a Facebook quote that essentially threw her off. She read way too into it and thought that because I posted that quote that that meant that I still had feelings for the ex ex. The quote said, "It seems that when you want someone, they don't want you. And when someone wants you, you don't want them. And when you both want each other...something has to come around and mess it up." Questionable I guess...but I honestly just felt that that was a true quote in general. I have a lot of friends and sometimes I just get tired of them...simple as that, really. I mean would I REALLY have posted that quote if I meant that I still had feelings for someone before her and she could IN PLAIN SIGHT see that on my page? Just doesn't make sense to me. She apparently also got upset that I chose to hang out with her AND HER BOYFRIEND MAY I ADD on New Years. There was a bar event and she invited me, so I figured eh I'm not doing anything else so why not? Not to mention she didn't choose to tell me how much it bothered her until she finally broke everything off. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this was a long distance relationship. I live in Arizona...she lives in England. Probably had something to do with it a little bit I guess. I feel if she actually lived here and was able to see my friendship/relationship with the ex before her she probably wouldn't have been suspicious.

 

 

 

Anyways...about 2 months after she broke it off with me, I unfriended her on FaceBook. She oddly enough still wanted to be friends with me. I don't have an issue with staying friends with exes (obviously), but with the way she broke up with me, it just wasn't possible on my end. Had she just said something along the lines of, "I don't know if I can trust you. Maybe we should just be friends for now." then that would have been one thing...but she basically was so upset and angry at me that she felt the need to call me a bunch of names and try to make me feel bad and all that stuff. Not something that a 'friend' does if you ask me. The fact that I unfriended her on Facebook led her to blocking me as well. Don't see why that was necessary, but yeah that's what she did. Only to unblock me 4 months later (which was a month and a half ago)...I guess that's why I'm feeling confused now. I hate to say it, but I guess I really didn't want to never talk to her again, but at the same time I couldn't just pretend like I was going to be okay with being her friend. She really hurt me with the things she said to me. Not to mention it wasn't the first time she had broken up with me...she had broken up with me 2 times before that for reasons separate from what I'm talking about right now. So the way I see it, I feel she's a bit emotionally unstable. Not to mention that a month after she broke up with me, she out of nowhere decided to call me and pour her heart out about how her mom out of nowhere told her that her 'dad' wasn't really her dad. When she could have called any other friend aside from me to talk about that issue...she chose me and no one else, while still admitting that she still liked me...just confused the hell out of me and made me even more mad.

When I unfriended her on Facebook she tried calling me twice. I didn't answer the phone. I just kind of figured she wasn't gonna listen to my reasoning and it would just turn into a bigger fight from there. So I just walked away while she went ahead and blocked me.

 

 

I hate to say it, but I guess I'm still not completely over her yet. At the very least I would like it so we don't basically feel like we hate each other...I don't know if I should even bother, though. I was thinking about just making a video and sending it to her, but I honestly just don't even know what to say. I hate to say it, but ever since she unblocked me, I guess I've been waiting for her to message me, thinking, "Huh...maybe she's calmed down and wants to maybe start over again or something?" I honestly just don't know, though...should I take the chance and just wait for her to message me, maybe? Or should I be the 'bigger man' and tell her how I feel and why I unfriended her in the first place?

[Lois_Griffin]

I forgot to mention that this was a long distance relationship. I live in Arizona...she lives in England. Probably had something to do with it a little bit I guess. I feel if she actually lived here and was able to see my friendship/relationship with the ex before her she probably wouldn't have been suspicious.

This whole situation was stupid enough with you foolishly buying an expensive gift for an ex and not even seeing how inappropriate that was.

 

But reading that you two don't even live on the same continent just makes it that much more ridiculous.

 

All this angst and this wall of text just for a long distance Skype 'relationship?' Seriously?

[ZayKayWill]

I knew her in real life it wasn't strictly long distance. And I'm sorry if you think that but I know not all women would have reacted the way she did.

Edited September 27, 2016 by ZayKayWill

[topher]

It's not worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To her.

[basil67]

I agree that the gift to your ex was inappropriate. And what's the point of getting back together anyway if you live on different continents?

 

Sorry, you need to let this one go.

[ZayKayWill]

May I ask what makes it so inappropriate? Maybe I'm just different or eccentric in this manner, but if it was the other way around I wouldn't have been upset. Just because 2 people used to have a thing together doesn't always mean that there are still lingering feelings. In fact, she considered her ex of 3 years one of her 'best' friends. I don't know the guy personally but there's nothing wrong with that IMHO. Honestly I would much rather them be friends then they not talk to each other just because they used to date. That to me just sounds much more mature, of course unless the guy is just straight up a scummy human being.

 

I've never been cheated on (as far as I know) so maybe that's why I'm a bit more lax on this whole thing, but again I don't feel every woman would have reacted the way she did.

[springy]

I think the point is that it was inappropriate to the woman you were in a relationship with. Does it matter what we think? Your friends? Not especially... it matters to the person you were dating and that's what got you where you are today. No point in debating with internet strangers over it. In your next relationship figure this out in the beginning and find out if you are compatible in that way. Hanging out with her on New Years was probably the nail in the coffin. You live on two different continents and clearly have different ideas on what each others boundaries should be. I think you should let this one go.

[Thatoneguy55]

You have to be incredibly good looking or wealthy if you believe that you can get by in life basing your decisions only on how you think people should feel about them.

 

If my girlfriend buys her ex a gift I'm running for the hills. Not because she bought the gift, but because she wanted to buy the gift.

[Blanco]

Why would you reach out if you still can't even see why she was upset?

 

Your intentions with the gift were probably totally platonic, but it still looks unusual to most people. You call it being eccentric, but a lot of people would call it having poor boundaries.

 

It doesn't sound like you've even tried to look at it from any other angle than how you would feel about it.

 

Don't reach out.

[Marc878]

You screwed the pooch on this one so let it go but you'd better learn from it.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. If that was my gf that bough her X a gift I'd have just walked away unless the relationship was casual and not exclusive

[ZayKayWill]

You know the funny thing is that we still talked a little bit after we split and I very briefly remember her saying, "Oh I just don't like it when people can't admit when they're wrong. But then again I guess some people DO react to things differently...who knows maybe something will happen with us again in the future..." while at the same time admitting that she turned a guy down because she still liked me... In all honestly I apologized to her and told her I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I did put myself in her shoes. I wasn't necessarily upset that she split with me it was just the way she did it. Like I said before if she had just broken up with me without feeling the need to put me down that would have been different. I mean if it really had bothered her as much as it did she could have told me in the beginning, but she didn't :/

 

Where I was coming from I wouldn't have told her about it if my intentions were shady, so I guess I figured I was in the clear. She even said herself that it wasn't buying the gift that bothered her, but just the intention behind it. It wasn't the first time she broke up with me either. There were 2 previous times it happened which were completely unrelated to the main issue (and which I thought were completely trivial reasons to break up) which is why I parted ways. I had actually posted my story (the whole one) here a few months ago and people agreed that she was being very emotionally volatile.

Edited October 2, 2016 by ZayKayWill

[Blanco]

Oh well. Next time find someone on the same continent as you.

[ZayKayWill]

It probably won't make much of a difference, but here's the whole story to anyone who's even remotely interested:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/587339-these-past-5-months-have-been-really-rough-very-very-lengthy-post

[elaine567]

I read your other thread.

Seems to me you do a lot of silly things without really thinking them through and then you go "How was I supposed to know?" as if that justified them.

 

Women in general tend to store up those times when they are hurt, when they feel disrespected, when they are not made priority, when they are angry... etc. and then when the number of such incidents reaches a critical level they walk and that is exactly what she did here. Whilst you thought she had "just got over it" and it was water under the bridge, she remembered every little slight.

 

The truth is what sort of bf would give his ex a very expensive gift and expect his gf to be OK with that... were you not aware of how that would look?

 

What sort of bf would then post a quote on FB that said ""It seems that when you want someone, they don't want you, and when someone wants you, you don't want them. And when you both want each other, something has to come around and mess it up."

"Random" quotes posted on FB almost invariably are designed to convey a message to someone.

Your gf got that message loud and clear and no doubt your ex did too..

 

What sort of a bf would show his gf text messages from another woman and then suddenly refuse to show her any more when he realised he didn't want her seeing them. What was she supposed to think about that?

 

What sort of a bf would hang out with his ex at New Year when his gf was thousands of miles away? Yes, your ex's bf was there but why would you even consider doing that?

 

YOU seem to have little emotional intelligence and "innocently" bulldoze your way though life without thinking out the consequences and their effect on other people. Time to start putting yourself in other people's shoes, before you ruin other relationships.

[OneLov]

IME, no man or woman wants to hear about their SO's ex. Even talking critically or negatively about an ex still demonstrates thought. Doesn't mean you can't talk about him/her if it's relative to the conversation or ignore the person if you run into him/her in public with your current SO. But if you do, you should always introduce your current SO as "this is my girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancé/wife/husband."

[benpom]

When you love someone, you do what makes them happy and stop doing what makes them unhappy.

 

When you are asking the question 'Is it inappropriate', you are delivering this message: your feelings are more important than hers; you feel justified about doing something that upsets her. This is a good sign that you don't love her much. So the real question is: why do you want to get back with someone you don't love?

[ZayKayWill]

I read your other thread.

Seems to me you do a lot of silly things without really thinking them through and then you go "How was I supposed to know?" as if that justified them.

 

Women in general tend to store up those times when they are hurt, when they feel disrespected, when they are not made priority, when they are angry... etc. and then when the number of such incidents reaches a critical level they walk and that is exactly what she did here. Whilst you thought she had "just got over it" and it was water under the bridge, she remembered every little slight.

 

The truth is what sort of bf would give his ex a very expensive gift and expect his gf to be OK with that... were you not aware of how that would look?

 

What sort of bf would then post a quote on FB that said ""It seems that when you want someone, they don't want you, and when someone wants you, you don't want them. And when you both want each other, something has to come around and mess it up."

"Random" quotes posted on FB almost invariably are designed to convey a message to someone.

Your gf got that message loud and clear and no doubt your ex did too..

 

What sort of a bf would show his gf text messages from another woman and then suddenly refuse to show her any more when he realised he didn't want her seeing them. What was she supposed to think about that?

 

What sort of a bf would hang out with his ex at New Year when his gf was thousands of miles away? Yes, your ex's bf was there but why would you even consider doing that?

 

YOU seem to have little emotional intelligence and "innocently" bulldoze your way though life without thinking out the consequences and their effect on other people. Time to start putting yourself in other people's shoes, before you ruin other relationships.

 

I can definitely understand her being suspicious about hiding the messages, but I was 100% honest and straightforward with the gift buying and hanging out with her. Not to mention she literally considers her ex bf of 3 years one of her best friends and as far as I know they still hang out every now and then. I'm not gonna lie to you, she would even say that they were so good of friends that she would let him sleep on the same bed as her...(not when we were together, just back in the day I guess). If she can sleep on the same bed as him and yet that doesn't mean there's any affection, I just don't see why she would get so mad at my actions. If she had said that he was THE best friend, that would probably raise some red flags to me, but just saying that he's 'one' of her best friends doesn't raise too many alarms. I have multiple people I call my best friend just because they're people that I know and I trust, even though I don't really talk to them often or every day, so I mean I get it. And as far as the quote goes I wouldn't have posted it if that was really the message I wanted to get out unless she just thought that was my passive-aggressive way of saying 'I don't care about you, we're done.'. If she looked at it another way, that's fair, but at least confront me before jumping to conclusions IMO...

 

Anyway I appreciate your feedback and I'm sorry if it seems like I'm trying to twist and turn your advice this is just where I'm coming from...maybe I was being a little insensitive towards how she felt about the whole situation especially since she lives so far away, but it's not like I hid anything from her.

Edited October 4, 2016 by ZayKayWill

[Thatoneguy55]

It sounds like you two need to sit down and discuss your boundaries. The root of the problem is that you aren't comfortable with her relationship with her ex, so you tried to teach her something by doing what you did.

 

I have a feeling this one is in trouble unfortunately.

[ZayKayWill]

Nah man I don't have a problem woth her being friends with him. If remember correctly I think she actually tried to use that fact against me when I brought up the fact that she had a relationship with her ex just in the sense of "uh...you're cool with him, I figured you'd understand" kind of deal. She was basically saying, "No one will ever have the kind of relationship that we have/had, we're such good friends I even let him use the same bed as me." She said this when the break up finally happened. I was just saying I find it kind of weird how she would use that in her defense...that's all. Just seems a little hypocrytical I guess.

 

Meh...we both sound kind of dumb huh? I guess you're right it all comes down to just understanding boundaries. Just don't know how to approach it from here I guess.

[ZayKayWill]

Whoops wrong topix.

Edited January 5, 2017 by ZayKayWill

[ZayKayWill]

Sorry but I am a total mess right now. I have a feeling she's found another guy and it's tearing me apart....

 

I lost her about a year ago. I think some of you know my story already. I was friends with a girl before her who I also happened to date back in 2009. The girl I dated in 2009 (Girl 1) was having a really rough year, so I felt sorry for her and got her a pretty generous gift for her birthday. A skydiving certificate (she's always wanted to go). My most recent ex (Girl 2) wasn't too thrilled about it. Before you guys say anything else, the only reason why I did it was because Girl 2 had an ex that she was best friends with...and so I figured she would have understood where I was coming from. Oh well. She didn't. This was long distance by the way. I feel so awful. I didn't mean to hurt her. I just figured she would have understood where I was coming from, especially since I told her about it and since her ex was one of her best friends...I would do anything to go back in time and undo what happened with us, but I can't. Should I just let this go? Or should I at least send her an apology letter and possibly open up the possibility of us at least being friends in the future? Ugh. I didn't think it would hurt this much. We were only together for 9 months and it's been a year at this point...I feel like I'm going at this wrong.... what the hell is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be over it at this point?

 

Also I should mention I'm a little tipsy so sorry for all the emotions...I can't take this. I would have reached out to her earlier but I was just so angry and felt betrayed. She wanted to be friends after we broke up but I just couldn't after the way she broke up with me. Had she just said, "I can't trust you maybe we should just be friends." that would have been one thing, but she got angry and called me a bunch of names and all that stuff...so yeah I took her off Facebook and that was it. I actually talked to a psychic today (in Sedona) and told her my story and she says that I may as well since I have nothing to lose at this point. What do you guys think? I can understand her getting mean and nasty if she feels she was being two timed but she had no proof. Although when I went to visit her I did hide some messages about rehab from her which made her think I was going behind her back...plus there was a time when I told her I was 'scared to go out to bars since people who tend to drink tend to do stuff they wouldn't otherwise do'...a few years back one of my friend's girlfriends came out to hang out with me and she ended up making out with me. I pushed her off the first few times but since we were drinking I ended up having sex with her after a little while....so I guess that still haunted me when I told her that. I feel so pathetic. Have I burned my bridges at this point?

[Marc878]

Move on to much damage. Everyone has to write a letter poring their heart out. Bad idea.

[umirano]

Write the letter. Do not send it.

[Murmillo]

While I think that writing a letter is not always a bad idea, I think it is a bad idea in most cases.

 

Take a look at the following statements:

 

- Are you ok with hearing news you don't want to hear?

- Did a long time pass since your last argument/fight with her (at least 3 months)

- Can you keep it under 1500 words?

- Was the break up your fault?

- Are you at a place where you are happy with your life (without your ex)?

- Are you good with words?

- Being needy was not a reason for your break up?

- Are you completely stable emotionally?

- Can you write the letter in a way that is not needy or pathetic?

 

If the answer to ALL these statements is 'correct' then you could consider writing a letter and first post it here before you actuallly send it, but based on the info you have given us you are not ready for that.

[jamili]

Don't write the letter. DONT. Whatever pain you are feeling you are going to feel 10x over if you send it. It will just make you look weak, pathetic, and guilty. You will instantly regret it and it wont do anything but cement her from ever coming back. Sending it will burn the bridge for good. I hope you are joking about the "psychic".

 

The only way i would say to send it is if you deeply wish to never communicate with her again. Know that it will push her away forever, and the chances of her coming back will likely drop to 0%, but if you are comfortable with that but just want to clear you conscious of the skydiving thing... then do it. But just realize it will likely ruin any shred of chance you have with her. Once she finds out you have been pining over her an upset about this for an entire year,... omg it won't make you look good. /cringe, but do what you need to do...