OW having affairs because of a abusive spouse

[Jojo44512]

I'm about 18 months into my EA/PA with the OW ..I'm a MM.

 

My OW is the love of my life and vice versa. One the te primary reasons she strayed from her husband is his controlling behavior. She's 24 and has been with him since 2007 and has been her only serious bf and now husband of two years. We met not even a year into her marriage. Apparently what he has been doing since they began dating is whenever they argue and she try's to leave to get space he corners her and then escalates to pinning her down...sometimes she's screams and spits on him to get him off but he laughs it off until she is out of energy. I would never lay a hand on her and she knows it but she never thought that behavior was considered abuse or reason enough to leave him. However she will not leave her marriage for me...she doesn't want it to be that way for her own reasons I guess, but she does proclaim that if he ever touches her again she is done with him.

 

So of course he hasn't touched her once in this last year and since she has became pregnant and just had her first child and the whole time he had been sweet and kind to her and she believes he has changed for good .

 

Please no responses regarding the nature of our affair ...my question is regarding her husbands behavior. Has any other OW in the forum had affairs because they husbands were abusive? And has any women have experience of their husbands abusibe behavior going dormant whole pregnant and then eventually returning? I am holding onto the hope the his behavior returns and she leaves him while I am still in her life before she thinks he's changed for good and we go NC...

[Satu]

snip

*Has any other OW in the forum had affairs because they husbands were abusive? And has any women have experience of their husbands abusibe behaviour going dormant whole pregnant and then eventually returning? **I am holding onto the hope the his behavior returns and she leaves him while I am still in her life before she thinks he's changed for good and we go NC...

 

*People don't have affairs because they have abusive partners.

 

They have an affair because they want to have an affair.

 

**You want her husband to stop being nice to her and become abusive again?

 

I doubt that that's high on her wish list.

 

 

Take care.

[whatatangledweb]

Yes, people can change. He was holding her down when she was angry and he has stopped for a year. That is a good sign that he has changed. She got pregnant and had the baby while in an affair with you so I don't think she is planning to leave...unless the baby is yours.

[ShatteredLady]

WoW that's young to start dating your future husband!!

 

These questions are really important for me to post a response....

 

* How old was HE when they started dating? How old is HE?

 

* How old are you? Are you single? (I'm assuming you are)

 

* Did she finish school, further education?

 

* Does she have a career? What does she do? Can she support herself?

 

* What's his job/career?

 

* Was their baby planned?

 

 

My gut instinct is always to scream "LEAVE! As soon as a man lays a hand on you! There is no reason to ever tolerate abuse of ANY kind."

 

My other instinct is, "She's having an affair with you! She's just had his (??) child. You have absolutely NO PLACE in this FAMILY!".

 

I'm bias I've known a couple of women who have used an abusive husband as an excuse for being serial cheats.

[Jojo44512]

Again...this post is not regarding the nature is my affair plain and simple.

 

This is about OW experiences with abusive spouses...do they continue ..do they stop ..are here periods of "hibernation". ...he's been doing it for 8 years plus...experiences please not biased responses

[Sub]

If you're holding out hope that the "love of your life" suffers from abuse at the hand of her H so you might have a shot with her, we may need to start by helping you define what love is.

[ChickiePops]

Again...this post is not regarding the nature is my affair plain and simple.

 

This is about OW experiences with abusive spouses...do they continue ..do they stop ..are here periods of "hibernation". ...he's been doing it for 8 years plus...experiences please not biased responses

 

Sweet pea, you posted on a public forum. You're going to get responses from whomever wants to respond.

 

1. Do you live with them? If not, you cannot realistically confirm that her spouse is abusive.

 

2. There is absolutely nothing at all you can do unless he beats her in front of you. You can't make her leave. You can't prove she's telling the truth. You can't prove that her husband farts. Literally, there is nothing you can do. For HER.

 

What you can do for YOU is walk away.

[norudder]

Satu is right. The affair is her chosen coping mechanism for her unhappiness, whatever the source. Loving her would mean wanting her health and happiness, even if not with you.

 

I was married young. My exh was never physically abusive but controlling and manipulative. I had an affair. I didnt have the strength, character, confidence to confront or leave on my own. People can change, grow, evolve. It's hard though and they have to want it to their core. My exH didnt do any therapy. All the problems in our marriage were mine. He's still much the same. I'm not though. I'm not proud of who I was and have had lots of therapy. Which your OW would need as well IF she were to ever leave in order for her to ever have a healthy relationship with you or anyone else. That is a lot of steps and a lot of time before even getting to the starting line of the 'two of you together'.

[Satu]

snip

*Again...this post is not regarding the nature is my affair plain and simple.

 

You can't dictate peoples responses.

 

You write you want and then people write what they want in response.

 

As long as posts are in accord with the forum guidelines, people can say whatever they like.

 

 

Take care.

[Jojo44512]

Norudder...

Did his controlling behavior stop?

Periods of bliss then tension building and then the behavior again?

How did you end up leaving ...what was the final straw?

[ladydesigner]

Norudder...

Did his controlling behavior stop?

Periods of bliss then tension building and then the behavior again?

How did you end up leaving ...what was the final straw?

 

There is a quote that I really like and I think it applies to this situation.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

 

If you are interested in the cycle of abuse you should look into it and will find the answers to your questions.

[norudder]

It' really not going to be in your best interest to speculate or gauge possible outcomes on my experience. I'll answer your question but my recommendation is to focus on your life and what you want from it. Is being a white knight part of how you need to see yourself with a woman? If a relationship is like a piece of the puzzle in your life, what is the shape of that blank space? Dont twist yourself around the shape of this OW if she doesnt currently fit comfortably as is. You could give her some resources for abused women and move to the background. Swooping in, with expectations, when she's not ready to leave could cause her to resent you and possibly make her feel taken advantage of when she was already vulnerable.

 

My exH is still controlling, though not as much because.... divorce. Unfortunately it comes out in passive aggressive ways with the children we coparent. They were actually one of the factors in my decision making. Wanting them to see a healthy marriage or at least not a toxic one. The catalyst to leave wasnt one particular thing or event but the affair was painful and caused alot of self reflection and growing up.I didnt have a rollercoaster of bliss/tension with him. It was more the frog in slow boiling pot of water.

 

Good luck.

[basil67]

I know one woman who left her abusive husband for another man. However, in her case, she knew very quickly that she wanted this new man a whole lot more than her abusive husband and left the marriage pronto and took the kids. No drawn out affair for these two.

 

Unlike your situation, the other man wasn't married or seeing anybody. Your wife is noticeably absent from your posts. What do you intend to do about your own marriage? And why haven't you left your wife yet?

[sandylee1]

Having spoken to a fair few abused women.... they've actually said the control and emotional abuse escalates during pregnancy, so I find this interesting actually.

 

Do you think she was just lying about it?

 

Because another common theme from these abused women, is that they'd leave if they had somewhere to go/another person. They fear being alone ... especially if they've only known that relationship.

 

Were you willing to leave your wife for her?

Edited September 27, 2016 by sandylee1
Typo

[waterwoman]

You really can't dictate what people post on here. Asking someone not to comment on the nature of your affair is like trying not to comment on the elephant in the room I'm afraid.

 

However are you asking whether abused women leave their marriages, then yes, they do. It isn't easy but eventually many do gather their strength and get out. But have you witnessed this abuse? FWIW she may well be lying to get your sympathy, she may be telling the truth. Your post begs the question as to why she married him when she knew what he was like. He may have turned the corner now - although true abusers rarely change without therapy. But we can speculate till we are all blue in the face - it is utterly irrelevant unless you are also willing to leave your marriage.

 

By the way you might be interested to know that in many cases infidelity is pretty damned abusive thing to do to a spouse.

[Jojo44512]

Having spoken to a fair few abused women.... they've actually said the control and emotional abuse escalates during pregnancy, so I find this interesting actually.

 

My research found the same thing...the last time it happened during the tension phase was right before she got pregnant and she told me she felt it coming and when he put his hands on her shoulders while standing during an argument said stop and he let her walk away.

 

Do you think she was just lying about it?

 

No, my AP have so much time together and have built so much, she broke down when she first told me..it happened twice since we've known each other. She said it for so so bad the months before she got marriage she never should have.

 

Because another common theme from these abused women, is that they'd leave if they had somewhere to go/another person. They fear being alone ... especially if they've only known that relationship.

 

Were you willing to leave your wife for her?

 

I was willing to leave ..we talked about it and initially both felt at time we had to let our marriages follow the path they were taking...going downhill... Since then our relationship how's grown so so much more ...she was applying to grad school and wasn't planning a family and then she got pregnant. She admitted after she was pregnant she was willing to walk away before but now she felt she needed to keep her family together. I just remember when my wife was pregnant things were really good for us through the entire pregnancy and about a year after and then the fighting started again. So perhaps her husband is going through the same. Anything like from building a nursery doing fatherly things have made her feel extremely guilty and times she feels like she doesn't deserve to be so happy me. She's a good woman and believe me her safety and happiness is extremely important, we are still both madly in love and spent the entire past summer going off together to the lake, talking and bonding even further. I'm not a bad person for wanting to be with her exclusively based on her saying she would leave him of he ever did anything like that again. It's a very tight controlling relationship for her, works a lot constantly texts and wants to know where she is or what she's is doing, not allowed to go places herself etc. I don't believe it's happened again but anything is possible or she feels too shameful or scared to share but I doubt it.

 

From what I read about abusive relationship this dormant phase can last for years. His trigger is her...If and when they argue and she tries to walk away. I'm sure she is aware of what triggers him and probably does everything to avoid that ..perhaps he evolved with .his control enough to know he doesn't have to do that anymore since she fears him. I feel like of this has been going on for years this behavior is most likely to return even though she's convinced herself it won't. I am emotionally ready to begin a life with her and we spoke about this recently again but she says for now we can only continue how things are.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, if he's so 'abusive' now, can you imagine what he'll do when he finds out about your affair?

[elaine567]

...we are still both madly in love and spent the entire past summer going off together to the lake, talking and bonding even further.

He is sooo controlling and abusive, monitors her every move and she is just sooo afraid of him, yet she spent the entire last summer down at the lake with you...

[gettingstronger]

Yes, our OW claimed to be in an abusive relationship as well-this gave my husband the knight in shining armor syndrome- in retrospect, any time he tried to break it off- she would have another crisis (not blaming anyone but my husband for betraying me)- not saying this is the case with your AP- just saying look a little deeper in to their relationship and see if what she says adds up-

As far as your direct question on abuse- yes, I have seen toxic relationships right themselves as couples grow and take on more responsibility (ie-kids)

[waterwoman]

He is sooo controlling and abusive, monitors her every move and she is just sooo afraid of him, yet she spent the entire last summer down at the lake with you...

 

Well, quite.

[BTDT2012]

My WH's AP claimed abuse also. She is now married to her abuser.

Edited September 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[sandylee1]

I was willing to leave ..we talked about it and initially both felt at time we had to let our marriages follow the path they were taking...going downhill... Since then our relationship how's grown so so much more ...she was applying to grad school and wasn't planning a family and then she got pregnant. She admitted after she was pregnant she was willing to walk away before but now she felt she needed to keep her family together. I just remember when my wife was pregnant things were really good for us through the entire pregnancy and about a year after and then the fighting started again. So perhaps her husband is going through the same. Anything like from building a nursery doing fatherly things have made her feel extremely guilty and times she feels like she doesn't deserve to be so happy me. She's a good woman and believe me her safety and happiness is extremely important, we are still both madly in love and spent the entire past summer going off together to the lake, talking and bonding even further. I'm not a bad person for wanting to be with her exclusively based on her saying she would leave him of he ever did anything like that again. It's a very tight controlling relationship for her, works a lot constantly texts and wants to know where she is or what she's is doing, not allowed to go places herself etc. I don't believe it's happened again but anything is possible or she feels too shameful or scared to share but I doubt it.

 

From what I read about abusive relationship this dormant phase can last for years. His trigger is her...If and when they argue and she tries to walk away. I'm sure she is aware of what triggers him and probably does everything to avoid that ..perhaps he evolved with .his control enough to know he doesn't have to do that anymore since she fears him. I feel like of this has been going on for years this behavior is most likely to return even though she's convinced herself it won't. I am emotionally ready to begin a life with her and we spoke about this recently again but she says for now we can only continue how things are.

 

I see.

 

I guess everyone is different, because when I'm pleading with women to leave abusive relationships, they seem to just want a rescue ranger to come for them. Your OW had you as a rescue ranger and still didn't leave.

 

But so many victims of abuse find it difficult to leave. They have been abused for so long they see it as normal. Abusers rarely change without professional help though. Partly because they don't even see themselves as abusers.

 

I'd like to say if it was that bad she would have left, butso many women don't leave. One of the worst was a man who did a daily fridge inspection and if things weren't arranged perfectly in the fridge she was in trouble. If her phone was on silent and she didn't answer his call .... she would face his wrath.

 

 

She had to ask his permission to leave the house and even she had to have sex with him every day. There's more than that, but I couldn't get her to realise it was bad. She said as long as she abided by his rules it was okay. Abuse victims get very brainwashed.

 

I would have thought she'd lovethe idea of a future with you and wouldn't have got pregnant .... but who really knows how bad things are for her.

[eye of the storm]

I'm about 18 months into my EA/PA with the OW ..I'm a MM.

 

My OW is the love of my life and vice versa. One the te primary reasons she strayed from her husband is his controlling behavior. She's 24 and has been with him since 2007 and has been her only serious bf and now husband of two years. We met not even a year into her marriage. Apparently what he has been doing since they began dating is whenever they argue and she try's to leave to get space he corners her and then escalates to pinning her down...sometimes she's screams and spits on him to get him off but he laughs it off until she is out of energy. I would never lay a hand on her and she knows it but she never thought that behavior was considered abuse or reason enough to leave him. However she will not leave her marriage for me...she doesn't want it to be that way for her own reasons I guess, but she does proclaim that if he ever touches her again she is done with him.

 

So of course he hasn't touched her once in this last year and since she has became pregnant and just had her first child and the whole time he had been sweet and kind to her and she believes he has changed for good .

 

Please no responses regarding the nature of our affair ...my question is regarding her husbands behavior. Has any other OW in the forum had affairs because they husbands were abusive? And has any women have experience of their husbands abusibe behavior going dormant whole pregnant and then eventually returning? I am holding onto the hope the his behavior returns and she leaves him while I am still in her life before she thinks he's changed for good and we go NC...

 

She has been with this guy since she was 15?! wow. Anyway, she is the love of your life. What is your wife? You want her to leave her H but you don't seem to be considering leaving your W.

 

She has told you she is not leaving her H for you. And she shouldn't. You are hoping he becomes abusive to her, you are hoping he hurts her, you are hoping he scares her....for your benefit. He possibly might be abusive but you only think of yourself. And you want people to suffer for your happiness.

[S2B]

She cheats because she has character flaw... Probably the one that keeps her married to anabusive man.

 

He didn't CAUSE her to cheat... She could have divorced him.

 

 

You just went along with all her lies... Stop believing her...and stop HELPING HER to cheat by participating with her.

 

You're married too - you are in the same arena..

[aileD]

She is an abused woman. She subconciously seeks out men who will abuse her.

 

Including you.

 

You may not raise a hand to her, but the situation is unhealthy and that's what she's drawn to.

 

You say you wouldn't lift a hand to her, but you hope he does so she can be with you. That's unhealthy.

 

If you care about her, you will stop the affair and pass her along to someone who can assist her in getting counseling and maybe hook her up with some domestic violence hotlines or counselors.

 

He's not good for her, you're not good for her and the marriage and affair aren't good for her either.

 

You also should look at yourself and why you are attracted to a woman who is so unhealthy. Do you like being the knight in shining armour?