OW having affairs because of a abusive spouse

[dreamingoftigers]

Having spoken to a fair few abused women.... they've actually said the control and emotional abuse escalates during pregnancy, so I find this interesting actually.

 

Do you think she was just lying about it?

 

Because another common theme from these abused women, is that they'd leave if they had somewhere to go/another person. They fear being alone ... especially if they've only known that relationship.

 

Were you willing to leave your wife for her?

 

Honestly, my husband was a train-wreck last year and then we ended up with an accidental pregnancy and he was pretty much the perfect husband until a couple weeks ago.

 

That's nine months of pregnancy and five months of new baby. Some guys fall under "New Baby Magic."

[Sub]

I think you need to consider that, all things being equal, she wants to stay with her H. And that you'd apparently be the choice only if her H returns to being controlling. Consider that for a second. Ask yourself if she "loves" you because of you, or just because you're an alternative to the previously controlling version of her H. Which almost any good single guy can be, to be honest.

[Jojo44512]

Honestly, my husband was a train-wreck last year and then we ended up with an accidental pregnancy and he was pretty much the perfect husband until a couple weeks ago.

 

That's nine months of pregnancy and five months of new baby. Some guys fall under "New Baby Magic."

 

 

I'm sorry things have gone back to the way they were. What triggered your husbands behavior to return in the last few weeks if you don't mind me asking?

[Sub]

I'm sorry things have gone back to the way they were. What triggered your husbands behavior to return in the last few weeks if you don't mind me asking?

 

Based on your previous comment, I have to wonder what your motivations are for asking about what triggers the bad behavior.

[eye of the storm]

Based on your previous comment, I have to wonder what your motivations are for asking about what triggers the bad behavior.

 

I am so glad I am not the only one that is getting bad vibes off how many times he asked what caused triggers. It almost feels like he is wanting to ensure she triggers him.

[bathtub-row]

I can pretty much guarantee you that her husband's behavior never changed -- she's just not telling you about it anymore. She does this because she knows it makes her look stupid for staying, and because it would give you hope that she will leave. She is entrapped in her marriage through abuse and she's the only one who can free herself.

 

If you're even halfway smart, you will end this affair, like yesterday. Few things can enrage an abuser more than a cheating spouse. If he ever gets wind of the affair, he's quite likely to kill her or you or both. Do not ever underestimate these people. They love nothing more than dishing out pain.

 

Here's your other problem -- I was once with an abusive guy and if I had found a nice guy to replace him and to support me, I would've found the strength to leave sooner than I did. The fact that she hasn't left him - and has now had a child by him - should be enough for you to get the message and walk away from this very, very tangled web.

[Jojo44512]

Dreamoftigers shared her situation and she said in the last few weeks her husband began his abusive behavior again after her pregnancy. i asked Dreamoftigers why her husband began this behavior again? Trying to understand someone's behavior or showing concern for someone's situation in this board is my motivation thank you. I'm having a hard time understand why someone that is in love with someone that physically hurts them. People sharing similar experiences And trying to empathize with someone going through the same thing is my motivation. Asking about triggers because I'm trying to understand why someone that abuses his loved one for years suddenly stops and then starts again. Just because I said I wish her husbands true colors would show again doesn't mean I want to see her hurt it means I want her to see who he really...meaning whether or not he is keepiing his word and his promises...whether she ends up with me or not. Sure I'm Being selfish and wishing we were really together, not wanting her hurt. I realize she could just walk away and be with me and she hasn't, it doesn't make me love her any less and maybe it's realizing I need to move on.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can pretty much guarantee you that her husband's behavior never changed -- she's just not telling you about it anymore. She does this because she knows it makes her look stupid for staying, and because it would give you hope that she will leave. She is entrapped in her marriage through abuse and she's the only one who can free herself.

 

If you're even halfway smart, you will end this affair, like yesterday. Few things can enrage an abuser more than a cheating spouse. If he ever gets wind of the affair, he's quite likely to kill her or you or both. Do not ever underestimate these people. They love nothing more than dishing out pain.

 

Here's your other problem -- I was once with an abusive guy and if I had found a nice guy to replace him and to support me, I would've found the strength to leave sooner than I did. The fact that she hasn't left him - and has now had a child by him - should be enough for you to get the message and walk away from this very, very tangled web.

 

Some people behave really immaturish when they are going and do correct with age and maturity though.

 

I have seen that happen many times.

 

If course, I've also seen it go the opposite way where the entitled one gets even worse and worse with age.

 

I think it depends on mental acuity and desire whether or not to be a decent person or good spouse.

 

Some people genuinely WANT to be decent partners but have [unhealthy] patterns that they learned from their families. As life and time go on, they either listen to their partners or lose valuable relationships. Then they smarten up.

 

Some people are just using psychopaths who don't care what the consequences are and get off on controlling and hurting someone else.

Edited September 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreamoftigers shared her situation and she said in the last few weeks her husband began his abusive behavior again after her pregnancy. i asked Dreamoftigers why her husband began this behavior again? Trying to understand someone's behavior or showing concern for someone's situation in this board is my motivation thank you. I'm having a hard time understand why someone that is in love with someone that physically hurts them.

 

I just want to say that nothing physical has happened from him to me (or vice versa, duh) for a very long time. So right now his behaviour HAS NOT been physical. At this point it has been emotional, verbal, financial and him just lying and taking off.

 

The trigger for it was me receiving some very poor disclosure from him. I spent the next day bawling my eyes out. He does NOT tolerate feeling of anger or sadness from me. He did while I was pregnant and we did a year of marital counseling. The miracle was that he actually showed up for every session. He used to just no-show on counseling and do sht like steal my medication or empty my bank account.

 

This time he just berated me and took off.

Said he would be home and then ditched me with the kids.

 

People sharing similar experiences And trying to empathize with someone going through the same thing is my motivation. Asking about triggers because I'm trying to understand why someone that abuses his loved one for years suddenly stops and then starts again. Just because I said I wish her husbands true colors would show again doesn't mean I want to see her hurt it means I want her to see who he really...meaning whether or not he is keepiing his word and his promises...whether she ends up with me or not. Sure I'm Being selfish and wishing we were really together, not wanting her hurt. I realize she could just walk away and be with me and she hasn't, it doesn't make me love her any less and maybe it's realizing I need to move on.

 

Your relationship (s) sound really unhealthy too.

 

Probably best to move on.

[Southern Sun]

First, I would never deign to question a person's choice or ability to leave an abusive relationship. It is not for the faint of heart.

 

But I do have to wonder how a woman so terrified of her abusive spouse could gather the "courage" (brash entitlement) to maintain [an affair partner]

Edited September 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[anika99]

In this situation I don't believe that her husband's bad behaviour will necessarily return. Yes pinning her down and refusing to let her leave an argument is abusive but abusers are emotionally immature. Since they were so young when they got together he was probably very immature and perhaps as he is moving through his twenties he is gaining some maturity.

 

As my immediate family and my extended family is comprised of mostly males I have seen first hand how slow some are to reach emotional adulthood. I have a brother, an uncle, and a son who were very slow to grow up and considered difficult people in their teens and early twenties. They seemed to do a lot of growing and maturing after their very early twenties. They have all grown into excellent fathers and husbands and I'm very proud of them.

[William]

Good morning,

 

After a quick scan due to a language report, I note substantial departure from the topic of the thread and, as usual, more rhetoric and inflammatory content regarding affairs.

 

I'll ask the other moderators to take a look before taking any action on content and, in the interim, will re-state the topic:

 

Has any other OW in the forum had affairs because they husbands were abusive? And has any women have experience of their husbands abusive behavior going dormant while pregnant and then eventually returning?

 

Expect any berating language covered in our language policy to be sanctioned. As example of permitted language, 'affair partner' is acceptable use. Thanks!

[eye of the storm]

... Just because I said I wish her husbands true colors would show again doesn't mean I want to see her hurt it means I want her to see who he really...meaning whether or not he is keepiing his word and his promises...whether she ends up with me or not. Sure I'm Being selfish and wishing we were really together, not wanting her hurt. I realize she could just walk away and be with me and she hasn't, it doesn't make me love her any less and maybe it's realizing I need to move on.

 

She knows who he really is. She has been with him since she was 15. She knows all about him.

 

You are spending a massive amount of time trying to analyze their relationship, his behavior/triggers, her reasons for staying, if his behavior changes will stick... Which is an impossible task. Its impossible because you don't know for sure if she is telling you the truth, you do not know what is going on inside their house because even if she is telling you the truth, you are only hearing her side and very few people tell the whole unvarnished truth because usually that would not show them in a good light.

 

For example, she told you he holds her down when she tries to leave. What leads up to that? Was she drunk and he was trying to stop her from driving drunk, what she so out of control he was worried she was going to wreck, was she threating to go out to kick someone's butt, was she hitting him and he was just trying to stop her? She won't tell you that because those things would make her look bad.

 

If he is truly abusive and he may be. Give her contact information for the domestic abuse hotline in your area. Tell her you will help her in any way she needs. But stop the A. If he is the kind to abuse his partner, catching her in an A will endanger her. If you really love her then her safety should be important to you.

 

The tone that made me cock my head at you was not a woman I love is involved in an abusive relationship how do I help her. It was a woman I love is in an abusive relationship and I want her abusive spouse to scare her into leaving so I can rush in and we can be together. Your questions weren't to help her, they were to help you. And if she is really in an abusive relationship she is the one that needs help, not you. And if she is abused, it would not be healthy for her to leave him and go to you. 2 reasons, 1. because she needs to heal and learn why she accepted that kind of relationship and how to develop/maintain healthy relationships. and 2. she needs someone that will put her needs above their wants.

[Rockflower]

I do get frustrated at the amount of harsh comments directed at new posters here.

 

JJ - abusive relationships can cause trauma-bonding, which means that as bad as an abusive partner is, you make excuses (if subconsciously) for them and their behaviour. The brainwashing over time can lead you to believe almost anything - often things that others looking on from the outside can never understand (unless they've been through it). So, what seems like something by those on the outside may be completely off the mark to what the victim actually believes / experiences.

 

Abusers often use intermittent reinforcement. Meaning there can be periods, even years, of apparent calmness. Although the control is still there.

 

I say this because I am a survivor (of abuse) and have trained in helping abusers (and victims).

 

What you cannot estimate is how long things will take, how much courage the other person has, timing with you. And there is also a possibility of untruths being told - although you usually have indicators at some point in a relationship whether the other person is really honest (if someone isn't, when we look back we can might just see where we choose not to see their truth, or not).

 

Hope that makes some sense.