Ex girlfriend doesn't want our baby

[RecentChange]

This is ridiculous & an excuse for the most selfish act of all that's ten times worse than cheating...giving up your child bc you got cheated on!

 

 

My mom caught my dad cheating pregnant with me & never let her affect her raising or love or bonding with me. All that says is a man did to her is more important than love of your child. Someone like that should never have a baby...ever. My H could send me video of him having sex with a hundred women & id never use that as excuse.

 

Cheating is no excuse or reason to a be bad mother period.

 

OP...it's good she left, your daughter doesn't need her & its better she doesn't remember her. Can't miss someone you never knew...it's better for her.

 

Are you saying she should have had an abortion rather than give him the child?

 

It was an unwanted pregnancy - some women, myself included NEVER want to be a mother.

 

The way I see it she had two choices for this unwanted pregnancy, carry to term and sign over rights, or terminate the pregnancy.

 

I am pretty sure the OP is glad she went for the first option, which I personally find less selfish than the latter.

[NuevoYorko]

This is ridiculous & an excuse for the most selfish act of all that's ten times worse than cheating...giving up your child bc you got cheated on!

 

 

My mom caught my dad cheating pregnant with me & never let her affect her raising or love or bonding with me. All that says is a man did to her is more important than love of your child. Someone like that should never have a baby...ever.

Well ... she did have a baby. For whatever reason, she chose to walk away and signed away her parental rights. Book closed.

 

No matter what she did or didn't do, this really isn't about her; it's about the OP feeling justified in harassing her. It's not good for the kid. The kid doesn't need a "mother" in her life who doesn't want to be there, detests the dad, and is drunk.

[noelle303]

Are you saying she should have had an abortion rather than give him the child?

 

It was an unwanted pregnancy - some women, myself included NEVER want to be a mother.

 

The way I see it she had two choices for this unwanted pregnancy, carry to term and sign over rights, or terminate the pregnancy.

 

I am pretty sure the OP is glad she went for the first option, which I personally find less selfish than the latter.

 

I agree. It's basically like choosing adoption for her daughter, which is a selfless act. Although I personally don't find abortion to be a selfish act either.

 

I personally consider this woman a birth mother, not a mom and therefore I can't say that she's a bad mom.

[elaine567]

Many women drink to self medicate, I guess having a hard upbringing, a bf who cheated, a baby she didn't want/couldn't look after/mentally cannot cope with, and giving up her child completely to the man who cheated on her, is all contributing to her need to drink.

[MrDuck]

This is ridiculous & an excuse for the most selfish act of all that's ten times worse than cheating...giving up your child bc you got cheated on!

 

Doenst matter though.. not really.. wrong or right, it is her choice to make! She's the one who has to live with it. She doesn't have to make an excuse because she doesn't have to answer to OP.. if she ever has to answer to anyone then it'll be her own daughter when the time comes. It has very little to do with OP. The best he can do is try to become a better man in order to raise his daughter as well as possible. He cant control his ex.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

I text her tonight that she was on my mind I hope that wherever she is she's happy. She text right back asking if she could call me. I said yes. She told me her life is falling apart... the guy she's dating beat her up. That made me so mad. She's got some other issues going on right now too and she's in a dark place. She confirmed my suspicions that she can't stop drinking.

 

I listened I gave her some encouragement. I told her she is a wonderful person and she deserves so much more than that. She thanked me for listening, being there for her and not judging her. Then we said goodbye.

 

I'm going to leave her alone. She's got way too much to deal with and would probably just bring a bad element around the baby. She doesn't need that.

[noelle303]

I text her tonight that she was on my mind I hope that wherever she is she's happy. She text right back asking if she could call me. I said yes. She told me her life is falling apart... the guy she's dating beat her up. That made me so mad. She's got some other issues going on right now too and she's in a dark place. She confirmed my suspicions that she can't stop drinking.

 

I listened I gave her some encouragement. I told her she is a wonderful person and she deserves so much more than that. She thanked me for listening, being there for her and not judging her. Then we said goodbye.

 

I'm going to leave her alone. She's got way too much to deal with and would probably just bring a bad element around the baby. She doesn't need that.

 

Maybe you can offer her help with rehab or something? Since you have the means to do it. Plus, she would be safe there from the abusive boyfriend and get counseling.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

Maybe you can offer her help with rehab or something? Since you have the means to do it. Plus, she would be safe there from the abusive boyfriend and get counseling.

I didn't think of that. What should I do? How should I offer it? I wanted to offer her a place to stay at our house, but I didn't. She lives with him...

 

One thing that got me was she asked if she deserves to be hit and cheated on and do I think it's because she's a bad person. I told her no. This other guy and I are just @ssholes.

[noelle303]

I didn't think of that. What should I do? How should I offer it? I wanted to offer her a place to stay at our house, but I didn't. She lives with him...

 

One thing that got me was she asked if she deserves to be hit and cheated on and do I think it's because she's a bad person. I told her no. This other guy and I are just @ssholes.

 

Don't offer her to stay at your house, I think you two need clear boundaries.

 

Maybe try and google some in-patient facilities and ask whether she could be admitted? And then offer her your support and ask her if she would like to go so she can recieve proper help. Are you in the US?

[MJJean]

I didn't think of that. What should I do? How should I offer it? I wanted to offer her a place to stay at our house, but I didn't. She lives with him...

 

One thing that got me was she asked if she deserves to be hit and cheated on and do I think it's because she's a bad person. I told her no. This other guy and I are just @ssholes.

 

Do some research int rehabs and women's shelters in her area and send them to her with sincere wishes that she get the help she needs.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

She called again about half an hour ago. He did it again!!! Wtf is wrong with this guy?! I told her to leave and she said she has nowhere to go and won't go to a homeless shelter...

 

Damn. I don't know how to help. I know I don't want her here because I have my baby to think about. I think I'm going to call the cops.

 

I don't know why she's calling me.

 

Yes I am in the US.

[ChickiePops]

She's calling you because you're letting her..that's the only reason. I see zero evidence that she has any romantic feelings towards you..she just needs a warm bed and a hot meal and you're an easy mark because she knows you're still in love with her.

 

Please do NOT let her move in with you. Think about how it will affect your daughter if (or, if we're being honest, WHEN) she leaves again. Your daughter was a baby when she left the first time..she's older now and she will remember it when it happens again.

 

IF she eventually wants to be a mother to your daughter, start slow, don't start with her moving in.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

She's calling you because you're letting her..that's the only reason. I see zero evidence that she has any romantic feelings towards you..she just needs a warm bed and a hot meal and you're an easy mark because she knows you're still in love with her.

 

Please do NOT let her move in with you. Think about how it will affect your daughter if (or, if we're being honest, WHEN) she leaves again. Your daughter was a baby when she left the first time..she's older now and she will remember it when it happens again.

 

IF she eventually wants to be a mother to your daughter, start slow, don't start with her moving in.

 

I completely agree, even if I don't want to. I don't want her to do that and hurt my baby's tender heart. I don't want to go through it again either and that's why I didn't offer her a place to stay here.

 

She has text me probably fifty times in an hour and now I'm kicking myself for contacting her.

 

She's scared, she's worried, if she leaves he'll destroy her stuff, she has nowhere to go, she has less than a hundred dollars... I'm getting the hints and I'm feeling bad about not helping her, but I've got another person who needs me to worry about their needs first.

[Timshel]

You can't 'fix' her or the situation that she is in. I want to say shame on you for being a hard headed twit and literally bringing this tornado into your world....and risking your daughter's peace. I won't say that.

 

Forward this link, then block her.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

[ChickiePops]

I completely agree, even if I don't want to. I don't want her to do that and hurt my baby's tender heart. I don't want to go through it again either and that's why I didn't offer her a place to stay here.

 

She has text me probably fifty times in an hour and now I'm kicking myself for contacting her.

 

She's scared, she's worried, if she leaves he'll destroy her stuff, she has nowhere to go, she has less than a hundred dollars... I'm getting the hints and I'm feeling bad about not helping her, but I've got another person who needs me to worry about their needs first.

 

She also clearly has no desire to be a mother. It sucks but she's absolutely entitled to make that decision. That doesn't mean it wouldn't mess your kid up though.

[Els]

We'd spoken of having families someday, but not really together. She is a younger woman and it's my belief she wanted a young husband...

I love our daughter. I'd do anything to make her happy so I wouldn't have signed any adoption papers.

 

I don't want the woman I slept with. I'm not even attracted to her. She's sloppy, overweight and uneducated. The mother of my child is the opposite, and is drop dead gorgeous.

 

Yeah, maybe you should've thought about this before, you know, cheating on her.

 

Sorry, but this entire situation stems from that.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

You can't 'fix' her or the situation that she is in. I want to say shame on you for being a hard headed twit and literally bringing this tornado into your world....and risking your daughter's peace. I won't say that.

 

Forward this link, then block her.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

 

but that's why I didn't let her come here even though she was hinting that that's what she wanted from me... I don't want her in that condition around our daughter.

 

She sent me pictures and she has a black eye. I don't want my kid seeing that. No matter who it is. I don't want that drama around her either.

 

I put the baby in bed, got her two nights in a hotel, called her, calmed her down, told her where to go, and sent her that link. Thank you for posting that.

 

Now she keeps calling and texting me, but I'm not going to answer.

 

Yep. I know the whole situation is my fault.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm the first one to admit I messed up. I shouldn't have done what I did. I'm also the first one to say I love her. She's so great, and I wish she would get herself together.

 

That's not me taking the high road, it's being concerned about her drinking. The last few times I've seen her she's smelled like booze. I could definitely smell it on her at our baby's birthday party.

 

Part of it might be her own unstable childhood. Her father was always losing jobs, they were always moving, and at one point lived in a shed. He left the family when she was about thirteen and I don't think she's heard from him since.

 

I'm not like that and I think it scares her. There's never going to be a point in my life now where I don't have money and I don't think she understands that. There's never going to be that much uncertainty and I could give her the family and home life she never had. I wish she understood that.

 

Dude. She doesn't want your money.

 

You aren't a good bet.

 

She doesn't want to be tied down to a cheater who cheated while she was pregnant and shackled to a baby she has shame issues about and doesn't want.

 

Yoir idea of stability is financial.

 

Hers isn't.

 

All your finances do is give you access to more ways to cheat.

 

I would never sign on for that and I don't think she should either.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is ridiculous & an excuse for the most selfish act of all that's ten times worse than cheating...giving up your child bc you got cheated on!

 

 

My mom caught my dad cheating pregnant with me & never let her affect her raising or love or bonding with me. All that says is a man did to her is more important than love of your child. Someone like that should never have a baby...ever. My H could send me video of him having sex with a hundred women & id never use that as excuse.

 

Cheating is no excuse or reason to a be bad mother period.

 

OP...it's good she left, your daughter doesn't need her & its better she doesn't remember her. Can't miss someone you never knew...it's better for her.

 

I really don't care what the peanut gallery thinks of my experience.

 

Not everyone is built the same and attaches / detaches the same. Not will I accept some garbage from a cheater apologist as reasonable judgment for my life experience.

 

Good for your Mom. Gold stars. She also stayed with your father and told you kids it was normal behaviour and that he was a great Dad. That's unhealthy stuff right there too.

 

I didn't abandon my child. In fact I never did. My husband did for stretches of time. I refused to damage her like that.

 

Why? Because my father's lavk of healthy bond with me damaged me into adulthood and I didn't want to put a little vulnerable person through that.

 

So I get where the OP'S ex is coming from. But she SIGNED OVER HER RIGHTS. She left the child behind free and clear. She didn't attach to her and then dump her off like so many do.

 

She tried to hand her off to her father instead of aborting.

 

For someone that would consider aborting, that's a pretty big deal. (I am not someone who could abort).

 

So as wonderful as your mother is / was: we all are designed that sweetly.

 

I would have thought that I would be a great, attached fiercely protective mom. But after what my husband did I wanted to drop and run. Those are feelings. Those are desires. I'm entitled to that.

 

You can feel free to judge me and discount my perception of my own life when I actually DO drop my kids and run.

 

When I stop trying to bond with them and fix the damage done to mine and my daughter's bond. Then have at it...

[dreamingoftigers]

but that's why I didn't let her come here even though she was hinting that that's what she wanted from me... I don't want her in that condition around our daughter.

 

She sent me pictures and she has a black eye. I don't want my kid seeing that. No matter who it is. I don't want that drama around her either.

 

I put the baby in bed, got her two nights in a hotel, called her, calmed her down, told her where to go, and sent her that link. Thank you for posting that.

 

Now she keeps calling and texting me, but I'm not going to answer.

 

Yep. I know the whole situation is my fault.

 

Okay I just caught up on the thread.

 

I think you are doing the right thing here.

 

Just not jumping into being her white knight because that WILL mess your kid up to have Mommy here one day then gone the next and in and out of drinking / abusive boyfriend etc etc etc.

 

She clearly has issues big time.

 

Now back to boundary land..... Her drinking and getting beaten up IS NOT your fault.

 

Her drinking is HER RESPONSIBILITY. Her getting beaten up was HER BOYFRIENDS fault.

 

Okay? People are responsible for what they DO and the consequences that come from that.

 

You didn't force her to drink. You didn't force her bf to give her a black eye. So you aren't responsible for those things either.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

She's been calling and texting me all day. She was asking if we wanted to go to dinner (most likely so I could pay for it) or come swim. I sent her a heartfelt text that yes, I am in love with her, I do want her to be my wife and a mother, but I know she won't be. I put her up in the hotel because I don't want her to get killed. I'll always love her, and be in debt to her for giving me my child, but she's not in a place for me or my child to be involved. She text back that I have no idea what she wants then went off on me so I blocked her number.

 

I started this not knowing what was going on her life, and came off like a jerk. That's not who I am... I am protective over my kid, and that's why I wanted her in her life. However, it'd just bring darkness and she doesn't need that.

 

I do feel bad my ex has no money. I'm close to putting some in her account in hopes she gets her life back on track, but ultimately that would be stupid.

 

Thanks everyone for listening and helping out. I realize it's time to walk away. For the sake of my baby girl.

[ChickiePops]

It's clear that your daughter is your first priority. Your exes first priority is herself. That's fine..you cheated and you guilted her into having the baby..she is absolutely allowed to opt out of motherhood..no doubt about it.

 

What she's not allowed to do is to try and lure you back into some kind of relationship with her when she clearly still isn't interested in being a mother. That is the part that disgusts me. She gave up her rights to motherhood..fine. But now she's putting your daughter's livelihood at risk. That is NOT ok.

 

However you have chosen fatherhood, and it seems like you are doing right by your child. Good for you..honestly. I will never condone the cheating nor the guilting her into keeping the baby..but I sure as hell can get behind a good dad.

[anika99]

She's been calling and texting me all day. She was asking if we wanted to go to dinner (most likely so I could pay for it) or come swim. I sent her a heartfelt text that yes, I am in love with her, I do want her to be my wife and a mother, but I know she won't be. I put her up in the hotel because I don't want her to get killed. I'll always love her, and be in debt to her for giving me my child, but she's not in a place for me or my child to be involved. She text back that I have no idea what she wants then went off on me so I blocked her number.

 

I started this not knowing what was going on her life, and came off like a jerk. That's not who I am... I am protective over my kid, and that's why I wanted her in her life. However, it'd just bring darkness and she doesn't need that.

 

I do feel bad my ex has no money. I'm close to putting some in her account in hopes she gets her life back on track, but ultimately that would be stupid.

 

Thanks everyone for listening and helping out. I realize it's time to walk away. For the sake of my baby girl.

 

Even though you cheated and that was an awful thing to do you still sound more mature and stable than your ex. What exactly do you love about her? The more you write about her the more horrible she sounds. What qualities does she have that makes you love her?

 

You are right to keep space between your ex and your daughter and yourself. Your ex is a train wreck and if you let her get close to you or your child right now she will hurt both of you. She wants to use you to save her but as soon as you come to her rescue she will be running off to drink and meet new men. Your child's wellbeing has to be your number one priority so definitely keep your ex at bay.

[noelle303]

I really don't care what the peanut gallery thinks of my experience.

 

Not everyone is built the same and attaches / detaches the same. Not will I accept some garbage from a cheater apologist as reasonable judgment for my life experience.

 

Good for your Mom. Gold stars. She also stayed with your father and told you kids it was normal behaviour and that he was a great Dad. That's unhealthy stuff right there too.

 

I didn't abandon my child. In fact I never did. My husband did for stretches of time. I refused to damage her like that.

 

Why? Because my father's lavk of healthy bond with me damaged me into adulthood and I didn't want to put a little vulnerable person through that.

 

So I get where the OP'S ex is coming from. But she SIGNED OVER HER RIGHTS. She left the child behind free and clear. She didn't attach to her and then dump her off like so many do.

 

She tried to hand her off to her father instead of aborting.

 

For someone that would consider aborting, that's a pretty big deal. (I am not someone who could abort).

 

So as wonderful as your mother is / was: we all are designed that sweetly.

 

I would have thought that I would be a great, attached fiercely protective mom. But after what my husband did I wanted to drop and run. Those are feelings. Those are desires. I'm entitled to that.

 

You can feel free to judge me and discount my perception of my own life when I actually DO drop my kids and run.

 

When I stop trying to bond with them and fix the damage done to mine and my daughter's bond. Then have at it...

 

But I think that's precisely the difference between you and OP's ex. Neither of you felt the ''bond'', but it was your choice to stay and try. She left. Again, I don't condemn her, she didn't feel like she could be a mother to this child, she acknowledged it and bowed out.

 

But this is where you two differ and why we say that it probably wasn't spurred only by the cheating. I would never judge someone based on their feelings. Feelings are incredibly complex and often times we can't help them. Our actions and choices count the most at the end and make us who we are.

 

OP, I wouldn't advise you to wire money to her account. That can enable her alcoholism. See about some in-patient facilities and offer her help in terms of rehab if you want to help. Alcohol abuse is an illness and she needs professional help to get better.

[lightfoot]

Thank God she signed over her rights.

 

About your ex, there's truly nothing you can do.