Dating A Recovering Addict

[tcd421]

I have been seeing someone for the last 2 months that is a recovering alcoholic who also had a pain pill addiction. She has been sober now 16+ months.

 

It could be said i have my own issue with alcohol the last 5 years or so, at one point a 12 pack of pounders a night was my thing, get up go to work and repeat the next day. Last few years I did cut back on my own to only on weekends drinking, then only on pay weekends when they switched to every 2 weeks last January. Now as of typing this I am 30 days without a drop. The woman I mention above is part of the reason why as she doesn't want to be around anyone that does drink. I will add that I have been sober every chance we had to spend time together. IT has taken the 8 years that her and I have known each other to get to this point together.

 

I guess I want to ask if you have any thoughts on this

[Michelle ma Belle]

I guess my first question is how do you feel being 30 days without a drop of alcohol?

 

Are you 'sober' because of your girlfriend OR is this really something YOU want to do for yourself?

 

 

I think it's amazing that your girlfriend got into recovery and is celebrating more than 16 months of sobriety. How wonderful!

 

Having said that, addiction and especially recovery is a VERY selfish process. For those working their program and remaining sober it is literally a minute by minute process even years later. As admirable as that may be it can often be frustrating for the other partner because it can sometimes feels like the world revolves around the alcoholic and their sobriety.

 

You admitted to having your own issues with alcohol and do find yourself cutting back considerably whenever you're with her. Great I guess but having gone through this myself with my last partner, going cold turkey for the sake of your partner isn't enough to sustain you long term. Success comes with asking for help and getting into a program that will give you the tools you need to deal with triggers and keep you accountable and sober. I'm willing to bet the first disagreement or big argument you have with your girlfriend will send you straight into a weekend bingefest. All your white-knuckling cold-turkey sobriety will have been for not.

 

If you want to make this relationship work with this woman then I would suggest getting help for your drinking as well.

 

Good luck.

Edited September 27, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[pureinheart]

It sounds to me like she is a good influence on you, although if you are doing it for her, you might start again if you are not seeing her.

 

I really want to comment on the 12-pounder ... my friends husband drinks/pounds a 12-pack every night and has for the last 40 years (no exaggeration here). Never missed a day of work and had an hour and half commute. He is probably an alcoholic, but to look at him you'd never know it. So with that, I think you are doing quite well!

[Satu]

If you can do thirty days, you can do a hundred. If you can do a hundred, you can do a thousand and more.

 

Well done on your thirty.

 

Take care.

[Tayla]

Each day. One denial at a time. Deny the alcohol and gain sensibility.

 

Being self worthy is not selfish.

 

Been 24 hours sober .. Consistently for 20 sum years.

 

I'm not a handicap in a relationship nor am a detriment.. If anything.. Being sober brought about tolerance and the skill to detect a bull from his by products.

 

Bravo to you both. Keep the denial going .. It's worked in staying clean

[tcd421]

I can say that I have been lucky in that i have never had to go through any bad withdrawal symptoms. I did not start drinking till i was in my mid 30's, and had drank only once before i was 34. I'm 43 now. I do feel great now at 32 days and counting.

[Noproblem]

Good for you. Alcohol makes people age faster, besides the other side effects.

I am sure you'll feel healthier soon

[Miss Clavel]

i married an alcoholic after he had one continuous year of sobriety. i was so nervous you can actually see me shaking in my wedding video.

 

how could i take such a chance? how could i marry an alkie?

 

then i realized, i'm an alkie too. i met him in AA. i had been sober over 4 years when i married him.

 

not long after, he drank. i didn't. it's hell not having your home as a safe space. nothing uglier then seeing the poison that almost killed you left out in plain site. i could not live with anyone that drank. at all. ever. don't want the crap in my house. the smell alone. when people drink at my house i insist they take their alcohol home with them.

 

he got sober. he got drunk. he got sober, he got drunk. like the other poster said, they're very very selfish, in and out of the program, and most alkies are sortof immature to begin with. i've stayed sober since 1987 and he's been sober since 1996.

 

my brother drank a lot when he was young, he didn't believe he ever had a problem. he met a man that was in AA and my brother joined AA. they got married and were very happy. but my brother would nick out once in awhile. he just never drank around his mate.

 

good luck

[tcd421]

More of her back story is 15 of those month sober she was forced to do it because she had gotten arrested for her 3rd DUI and spent 9 months in work release and another 6 months of house arrest after that and had an ankle monitor that checked every 5 minutes for alcohol in her system. That monitor came off 3 days after I had my last drink. She has been doing it by choice since september 1st with help.

 

Her 22 year old son has a drinking issue, currently has a suspended license from a DUI and her 26 year old daughter has her own issues with heroine but she has been clean a few years now.

 

My own history, my father hardly ever drank and my still living grandfather was an alcoholic, no doubt used to help deal with PTSD from his time in the Navy in WWII. He quit when I was born and has been sober since.

[Miss Clavel]

More of her back story is 15 of those month sober she was forced to do it because she had gotten arrested for her 3rd DUI and spent 9 months in work release and another 6 months of house arrest after that and had an ankle monitor that checked every 5 minutes for alcohol in her system. That monitor came off 3 days after I had my last drink. She has been doing it by choice since september 1st with help.

 

Her 22 year old son has a drinking issue, currently has a suspended license from a DUI and her 26 year old daughter has her own issues with heroine but she has been clean a few years now.

 

My own history, my father hardly ever drank and my still living grandfather was an alcoholic, no doubt used to help deal with PTSD from his time in the Navy in WWII. He quit when I was born and has been sober since.

 

i was just about to remind you that alcoholism runs in families. and hers sounds like many families i know. but, i've heard worse and i've seen everyone get better. i'm just trying to tell you that if and when they drink again,(the failure rate is high) it breaks your heart, it breaks the trust and they get worse. you hold your breath waiting for the other shoe to drop as they start over. if they don't start over it's doubly hard to leave them, like my wasband, on the floor or in the county home.

 

living with an alkie while your trying to maintain sobriety....no words. in his defense i will say, he was never mean. never aggressive.

 

i've actually had family members try to blame me for their relative going out for a few drinks to celebrate their one year sobriety.

 

and alkies are crafty, money missing, a week's pay spent of the finest hooch bottle they hide in the most unlikely places.

 

i sound like it was all bad but it wasn't. because i had AA. the people there helped show me the grace of god, my higher power. and i had an AA wedding and AA children, in the fellowship.

 

 

 

and i was also certain that i had "come to believe" that there was no going back for me, like the ad says, "i had nowhere else to go" and i LOVED AA. getting sober, the steps, (the criticism, not so much). being a man amongst men, carrying the message, biggest honor of my life.

 

along the way, like the first ten years, of the 15 or so in my core group of newbie pigeons only two remain sober and more the half are dead. and not from old age. trust me

 

alcoholism kills. fast or slow, grave, prison, mental hospital. AA is a serous business and the only way i got the program is because very early on it came to me "being convinced" we'd never drink again.

 

not everyone gets convinced early on and i didn't. i went out drinking the first time in less then 90 days and it took me five more years of hell to get back.

 

i think, imo, you should leave her alone and let her get on with it. if you think you need the program go to a different meeting in another part of town. if she's really "in" she will follow the tenets and not move, get married or have a baby in her first few years. so both of you will be around.

 

you can't be her "higher power" or she yours.

 

good luck

 

thanks for letting me share.

Edited October 3, 2016 by Miss Clavel