KittyKat67 Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 My brothers room looks like this: When you open his door there is boxes up on boxes accross ever single inch of his room you can not walk in his room AT ALL. It is a major fire hazzared and I am surprised my parents have allowed this. You CAN, squeeze in enough to jump onto the bed (AS YOU CAN'T EVEN OPEN UP HIS DOOR ALL THE WAY) in which he has enough room for 1 person to sleep, the rest of his bed is an overflow over everything else in his room. One day I had to wake him up after moving back home and was appalled and disturbed by what I saw. He was sleeping near the end of his bed with all his boxes around him,..its been like this for YEEEEEARRRS. HIs whole other side of his bed is covered in boxes. Its not like its all the way to the ceiling or anything like that, but there is not ONE inch in that room that you can put your food down on. He also had so much stuff my dad built two sheds in the back with all this belongings in which has been locked in there to the fullest for 10 years. He has never once ever thought about emptying those out. He also has moved things now out to the living room of my moms house, not too many things but he keeps rotating things around instead of gertting rid of it. He needs to clean out one of the bedrroms so I can sleep as I moved back home, Im currently sleeping on the living room couch. Our family has asked him 10 plus times to clean out that room for the last 3 months and he hasn't done it. Its not like he is busy, he doesn't work, plays video games till 2 in the morning, sleeps till 2 in the afternoon and doesn't have much of a life, he has been this way for several years, he is 41 years old. I am trying to find a reason not to cuss him out for choosing to not clean out that room as he knows I need to sleep there. If this is a mental illness, it will make it much easier to let this go, but I do believe it has to be something deeper because its just weird that someone of his age would say "ok I'll do it", then not do it, then be asked countelss times only to repeat the same answer. I'm at the point where I;ll just sleep in the living room at this point, i don't want to be bothered anymore with this. Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Sounds like he is a hoarder. May be some mental illness there but he's also lazy. 41 years old with no job and living at home. tf. I'd be more angry at your parents since it's their house and they have allowed him to do this. They're enabling his hoarding tendencies. Then again, adult kids moving home are not supposed to have an easy time. If it's comfortable, they know you won't leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 How come he's living at home and doesn't have a job? It seems like there is an issue of some kind that is causing him to hoard. He took the time to box all his stuff up. It's like he created a fortress or a safe place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Yes, there is a link between mental illness and hoarding. You may have to live elsewhere if you find it intolerable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 He may be a hoarder, but if so, the parents allowed this to become the case. A friend of mine's boy wouldn't throw anything away either and it was one big lego mess in there and I said something because I was concerned she was creating what would be a lifelong problem. She and he organized it and I hope got rid of some of it, but I don't know. Kids mostly all go through a time they don't clean their room. I was that way and my sister too, but you have to keep expecting it of them and never, ever, let them get in the habit of keeping everything they ever brought home or they will end up like that as an adult. My suggestion was tell him you want to donate some of the legos to needy kids and my other suggestion was for every new lego set, he relinquish an old one for a donation. I doubt he's still doing that, but if not that's on her and the husband for not following through. I can't imagine any mother allowing that big a mess to accumulate unless she too is a hoarder! Too freaking hard to clean around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittyKat67 Posted September 27, 2016 Author Share Posted September 27, 2016 Yes, there is a link between mental illness and hoarding. You may have to live elsewhere if you find it intolerable. That would have been the case a year ago:o...but in this last year, I have done so much therapy and EMDR, meditation and now eating raw that I am feeling so happy and high on life, that I am choosing to use this as a learning tool to challenge my spirit to be honest. If its not him, it will be someone else in the world and I do love him. So, I am going to choose to be assertive but compassionate because it just really dawned on me he needs help and won't get it. When I can gain my composure of compassion to him, I will talk to him and give him some truth, somebody needs to. ' Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 It could be a mental illness. It could be that he's coddled and enabled. It's probably a combination of the two. The problem is there are no consequences for his behavior. We talk about this all the time. There must be boundaries in every relationship and those boundaries must be enforced. The consequence of not setting and enforcing boundaries is the situation you're in. Everybody is miserable. Including him. It's okay to have a mental illness but let's get that treated so he can live a productive and independent life. The home being clean, neat and orderly should be nonnegotiable. If he insists on making his own decisions and doing things his way, then he can decide to do that in a place that does not jeopardize the family's health, safety and well-being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittyKat67 Posted September 27, 2016 Author Share Posted September 27, 2016 (edited) It could be a mental illness. It could be that he's coddled and enabled. It's probably a combination of the two. The problem is there are no consequences for his behavior. We talk about this all the time. There must be boundaries in every relationship and those boundaries must be enforced. The consequence of not setting and enforcing boundaries is the situation you're in. Everybody is miserable. Including him. It's okay to have a mental illness but let's get that treated so he can live a productive and independent life. The home being clean, neat and orderly should be nonnegotiable. If he insists on making his own decisions and doing things his way, then he can decide to do that in a place that does not jeopardize the family's health, safety and well-being. Well said. My parents are in their 80's highly independent and i think at this point they just gave up. My mom told me they think he could be suicidal or pushed. I don't think so but I could be wrong too. The house is spotless, just his stuff in the two rooms and a few things in the living room. I was in depression for 7 years and they stayed away but supported me financially and yes they did enable me I guess but I got over it, got help and getting my life back together now. So I struggle with judging him, the distubing this is how much he thinks or won't admit to having a problem. Talking to him I know sounds harsh, but I really really do feel like I am talking to a 14 year old. He told me he was traumatized by my dad, at his last job and now isn't working for the last several years. off and on for the last 7, mostly off. He also told me that my dad asked him "are you ever going to work again"? and he was very hurt and angry about that. There is something deeper going on and I hope that I can help him. Edited September 27, 2016 by KittyKat67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Well said. My parents are in their 80's highly independent and i think at this point they just gave up. My mom told me they think he could be suicidal or pushed. I don't think so but I could be wrong too. The house is spotless, just his stuff in the two rooms and a few things in the living room. I was in depression for 7 years and they stayed away but supported me financially and yes they did enable me I guess but I got over it, got help and getting my life back together now. So I struggle with judging him, the distubing this is how much he thinks or won't admit to having a problem. Talking to him I know sounds harsh, but I really really do feel like I am talking to a 14 year old. I understand. Your parents love him and want to help him. So do you. However, acquiescing to him doesn't help anyone. Sometimes, life is hard. We've got to face and do what's hard in order to move to a better place. That's going to take everyone, including your brother. But, that's what family is for. Pulling together to get through the difficult times for the betterment of the family. Link to post Share on other sites
meowlash Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 41 living at home with no job is a problem. It could be hoarding, which I think is linked to OCD, or he may just be lazy. His parents will need to decide what they want to do with him. I'm sorry. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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