Is my marriage over?

[elaine567]

.. our messages shouldn't be he is controlling because her actions made his understandable

 

But he was "controlling" before she cheated.

[DKT3]

But he was "controlling" before she cheated.

 

According to her, what would he say abiut her? Maybe that she is super flirty? Maybe that she has a history of getting too involved with other men.

 

So often we hear he was controlling and then find out it wasn't so controlling more like not accepting anything she wants to dish out.

 

So much bs comes out after affairs sometimes it should be taken with a grain of salt.

[mikeylo]

Elaine, he promises to support me going forward in my career endeavors. I am going to trust and believe that he will. When the time comes and he shows me otherwise I will have to decide then. So far he has stepped up helping out around the house, cooking and making meals to send to our son to preschool. He cares for our son while I'm away and sleeping at during all different times of the day. Some would say this is what a father and dh should do but I appreciate and the changes he has made and am acknowledging his efforts. He is threatened by the men I work with because he felt like I saw our profession being above his. He was trying to downplay way I do for a living and stated on several occasions in the past that he is in a position of power and was comparing his job to mine. I told him that he needed to humble himself because he was letting it get to his head.. He thought about all the statements he made and came back to planet earth. Thanked me for reminding him.

 

If you are determined to make it work then : if you are doing everything to regain trust and step up his love language--- all great but it will be counterproductive if you again start flirting with others.

 

Don't kiss him and think you have given him his share for the day and now time to flirt with others. There are many people who work with opposite sex people but they stay professional. Stick to what you are supposed to do,a general greeting,no mushy stuff and back to work. Remember, his radar will see through every wall from this point forward and your behavior is under scrutiny, not just in front of him but even behind his back. What you do behind his back , says more.

 

If tables were turned, how would you feel ? Take from there.

[OldRover]

At what cost to him, op isn't superior to him by any means, she (according to what she herself write) isn't any ones ideal wife.

 

The REAL question, is it worth it.... regardless of the price.

 

She has admitted that she's not perfect and has come here for help. She is making efforts to improve and re-establish her relationship... so she IS progressing. And sounds like it's working.

 

So, perhaps she picked up a bit from this thread? Maybe, but glad she's on the road to a better relationship. Time and effort will tell. Good for her.

[DKT3]

The REAL question, is it worth it.... regardless of the price.

 

She has admitted that she's not perfect and has come here for help. She is making efforts to improve and re-establish her relationship... so she IS progressing. And sounds like it's working.

 

So, perhaps she picked up a bit from this thread? Maybe, but glad she's on the road to a better relationship. Time and effort will tell. Good for her.

 

From the way she has told the story I can't see how it's worth it to either. He is looking for security and she is looking for freedom.

 

The road is false leading to nowhere. She doesn't want to be married but is trying to convince him unconvincingly that she does.

 

It's a classic case of him being what she wanted but now he isn't. She holds on out of convenience, yet doesn't understand why he is insecure. She has told him sh doesn't want him had an affair, put herself in the mouth of the lion with a bunch of guys she finds more attractive, and I honestly think she feels her husband should be ok with it because she says it won't happen again.

 

My guess is she will soon be involved in a full blown affair. No its not worth it. He won't face of it and she s somewhat in denial.

[mikeylo]

From the way she has told the story I can't see how it's worth it to either. He is looking for security and she is looking for freedom.

 

The road is false leading to nowhere. She doesn't want to be married but is trying to convince him unconvincingly that she does.

 

It's a classic case of him being what she wanted but now he isn't. She holds on out of convenience, yet doesn't understand why he is insecure. She has told him sh doesn't want him had an affair, put herself in the mouth of the lion with a bunch of guys she finds more attractive, and I honestly think she feels her husband should be ok with it because she says it won't happen again.

 

My guess is she will soon be involved in a full blown affair. No its not worth it. He won't face of it and she s somewhat in denial.

 

And in some other posts she says that she wants to show him the reality that there are guys who are more attractive than him. To this he say, she can go to them. She also says that she is not going to lie about it.

OP has a twisted mindset where she brings up other more attractive people to bring down her husband. She probably doesn't have anything else that she can use to put him down.

It's like she has a trump card to put him down and lose his self confidence. From what I get is that he is ready to lose her than compromise her wandering eye.

[OneLov]

OP's description of the current situation doesn't sound like reconciliation but rather Let's Make A Deal. From her husband's perspective, he is willing to overlook all those things he had a problem with if she agrees to continue the relationship and stop talking to other men. But is that really what he wants?

 

Idk. In situations where there's duress or uneven bargaining power, he may take the rug-sweeping deal just to realize in the near future it's not going to make him happy because NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

 

OP states that if he reneges on his promise, she'll address it then. This is why the situation is dysfunctional. No one wants to address the pre-affair issues and be honest about who each is and what each wants. It's just deadline deal brokering. These deals often never hold. They're made in a state of desperation, not one of honesty and fair dealing.

[NuevoYorko]

There are a few threads on here, this being one of them, where the poster spends a lot of time detailing all the shortcomings of their partner and all the bad things the partner has done to them. I have seen this among friends in real life as well. A struggling relationship that is defined by at least one of them by all the details of what's wrong with the other really has no chance. Relationships can't work that way.

 

This, along with the other threads from Helivesforme, are big examples of this. I'm not saying that her husband is not the controlling, intrusive, boring, anxiety ridden, underemployed, bad sexer, insecure, smothering, not allowing sleep, etc. person that she says he is (I certainly grant that these descriptions are intermittently peppered with statements like "he is a unicorn" or "we can have it all"). The issue is that she's completely focussed on how over the top impossible he is. Her affair, etc., have a much smaller role in these threads than all of his unacceptable behavior. The ways that she proposes "saving" this marriage all depend upon her needing to bend over backwards to accommodate his big defects. After all, he is "trying," taking the kid to school and making lunch.

 

I have seen a lot, and never have I seen any relationship with this dynamic work out well. One can only work on themselves, and be in a place of acceptance of the other partner, in order to get through tough spots. If the partner does the same, there is a chance.

 

Helivesforme, I don't feel sorry for you at all. Even though you are a woman I think you need to man up. Or grow up. If your husband is the horrible mess you describe, move on. If you're exaggerating and maybe you share some of the responsibility of the marriage troubles, leave him to deal with his share and work on yourself.

[mikeylo]

The overall gist I've got is : she wants him to get used to the fact that she is going to flirt with other men , keep guy friends around as its a normal fact of life. He needs to accept this because that is the reality.

 

No man or woman will accept that unles they are doing the same ( open relationships or some mutual arrangements)

[Helivesforme]

And in some other posts she says that she wants to show him the reality that there are guys who are more attractive than him. To this he say, she can go to them. She also says that she is not going to lie about it.

OP has a twisted mindset where she brings up other more attractive people to bring down her husband. She probably doesn't have anything else that she can use to put him down.

It's like she has a trump card to put him down and lose his self confidence. From what I get is that he is ready to lose her than compromise her wandering eye.

 

Never said men were more attractive than my dh. Just said in general there were men I found attractive.

[Helivesforme]

The overall gist I've got is : she wants him to get used to the fact that she is going to flirt with other men , keep guy friends around as its a normal fact of life. He needs to accept this because that is the reality.

 

No man or woman will accept that unles they are doing the same ( open relationships or some mutual arrangements)

 

You've got it wrong. I do not talk to any males or flirt with them.

Ever since We have decided to address our issues and work on them together.

[mikeylo]

Never said men were more attractive than my dh. Just said in general there were men I found attractive.

 

Whatever, this issue is THE breaking point of any relationship. You will have to be the one to change your mindset if you want this to work. He will not bend his morals for you. If he bends his morals for you then remember, he too has eyes and genitals and a brain that will begin to find other people attractive. Just because he is there today , doesn't mean he will be there tomorrow because you want to. Dish out what you can digest as well.

[mikeylo]

You've got it wrong. I do not talk to any males or flirt with them.

Ever since We have decided to address our issues and work on them together.

 

Good luck then. I hope I'm proved wrong but I think I'm right.

[Helivesforme]

Good luck then. I hope I'm proved wrong but I think I'm right.

 

I do not need to prove anyone right or wrong.

My priority is improving our communication with

One another. I have realized that people do change.

My DH feels like he wants me to be the same me when

I was 18. For example he feels that just because I got

My hair done and wear makeup that I have changed from

The natural me. The one that did not care about how anyone

Viewed me. I'm not all about my appearance, I can leave the house

Without any makeup, I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Well ever since I started working with the public I try to

Look a little more presentable by wearing mascara and

Lipstick but my dh is bothered says, I don't need it because

I'm beautiful the way I am. I thanked him for the compliment

And asked why it mattered if I wanted to wear some makeup?

If it gives it makes me feel like I don't look like I'm half asleep.

He said he just wants me to be me and never change. I feel like

I'm still the old girl he met but I'm just growing, maturing, learning

To take better care of myself. I do not see anything wrong

With feeling good about myself, I'm not trying to wear makeup to attract men.

I do it because I enjoy putting makeup on when I feel like it.

I wear the amount of makeup appropriate for work, not like I'm going

To a club.

[Try]

I'm trying to tell him this OM doesn't even compare to him.. I just talked to the OM to escape reality, numb the pain and because it was so convenient. The OM would always respond immediately... But I have cut all contact..I want to work on our marriage... How else can I help him stop worrying about this OM?

The first step in helping "him stop worrying about this OM" is to tell him who this OM is, so that he can better confirm that you have stopped communicating with this OM, and so that your husband can stop looking over his shoulders wonder if this guy or that is the OM. Tell him everything about the OM. Give him the OM's phone number and email address. Now when you tell your husband that everything is over between you and the OM, he has more facts to support that. If your MC disagrees, you need to find one that has better experience and training on the topic. Did you know that most MCs were never trained in dealing with affairs? You need to find someone that has been if you want the best chance at success. It is OK to change MCs honest.

[OldRover]

I do not need to prove anyone right or wrong.

My priority is improving our communication with

One another. I have realized that people do change.

My DH feels like he wants me to be the same me when

I was 18. For example he feels that just because I got

My hair done and wear makeup that I have changed from

The natural me. The one that did not care about how anyone

Viewed me. I'm not all about my appearance, I can leave the house

Without any makeup, I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Well ever since I started working with the public I try to

Look a little more presentable by wearing mascara and

Lipstick but my dh is bothered says, I don't need it because

I'm beautiful the way I am. I thanked him for the compliment

And asked why it mattered if I wanted to wear some makeup?

If it gives it makes me feel like I don't look like I'm half asleep.

He said he just wants me to be me and never change. I feel like

I'm still the old girl he met but I'm just growing, maturing, learning

To take better care of myself. I do not see anything wrong

With feeling good about myself, I'm not trying to wear makeup to attract men.

I do it because I enjoy putting makeup on when I feel like it.

I wear the amount of makeup appropriate for work, not like I'm going

To a club.

 

Helivesforme,

 

You're doing fine, and I'll support you. There's a lot of bitterness here that is just plain stupid and giving you BAD advise. Don't believe them.

 

You came to us with a problem, and I believe you are honest about it. Sure, you have issues, but you recognized them and PREVENTED an affair. I really don't believe you ever got there, even though you were close. You could have pursued the other guy and banged the hell out of him, but you didn't at all, and you really didn't get emotional with him. I feel a lot of folks here don't know the difference between a friend and an emotional relationship.

 

You know you could have done better, but you recognized it and did something about it.

 

I'm still for you, and hope your success continues.

 

Best to YOU.

[Helivesforme]

The first step in helping "him stop worrying about this OM" is to tell him who this OM is, so that he can better confirm that you have stopped communicating with this OM, and so that your husband can stop looking over his shoulders wonder if this guy or that is the OM. Tell him everything about the OM. Give him the OM's phone number and email address. Now when you tell your husband that everything is over between you and the OM, he has more facts to support that. If your MC disagrees, you need to find one that has better experience and training on the topic. Did you know that most MCs were never trained in dealing with affairs? You need to find someone that has been if you want the best chance at success. It is OK to change MCs honest.

 

Oh no, that is not a good idea. He is going to want to call him and talk to him.

Maybe. He wants to know his name too. I feel like the more details the more tortured my dh will be. He thinks it will help him, but if he is saying he wants to forgive me and move forward. The "details" will not help. It will drive him nuts.

[DKT3]

Oh no, that is not a good idea. He is going to want to call him and talk to him.

Maybe. He wants to know his name too. I feel like the more details the more tortured my dh will be. He thinks it will help him, but if he is saying he wants to forgive me and move forward. The "details" will not help. It will drive him nuts.

 

I'm starting to think there is more here. If your affair was only talking and slightly stepping over the line as you describe then why so much reluctance to give the husband information? Unless your not being honest, if you were being honest then what could Om tell him that would cause more pain?

[Helivesforme]

I'm starting to think there is more here. If your affair was only talking and slightly stepping over the line as you describe then why so much reluctance to give the husband information? Unless your not being honest, if you were being honest then what could Om tell him that would cause more pain?

 

I'm not afraid of my DH finding anything else out. I know my

Dh well, he might try to find out where the OM works and might want to

Beat him up and get violent. It isn't worth my DHs time.. And so that

Is my concern. Because the OM knew I am married but continued to

Pursue me because his own marriage was headed toward divorce.

The OM cheated on his wife and in return his wife was cheating on him, he pursued me to numb his own pain and I rejected him several times.

On numerous occasions. Then when I told my dh I didn't want to be with him

And wanted to separate I reached out to the OM to feel alive again.

[Try]

Oh no, that is not a good idea. He is going to want to call him and talk to him.

Maybe. He wants to know his name too. I feel like the more details the more tortured my dh will be. He thinks it will help him, but if he is saying he wants to forgive me and move forward. The "details" will not help. It will drive him nuts.

I was actually starting to think that you had a chance at saving your marriage long term until I read your response to telling your husband who the OM is was "Oh no, that is not a good idea. He is going to want to call him and talk to him. Maybe. He wants to know his name too." You just do not get it. Your husband gets to dictate the terms for healing not you. If you want your husband to really heal long term, if you want to show him that you have changed, you need to stop trying to control what he knows like you did when you were cheating.

 

It will bug your husband forever that you have given the OM the upper hand over your husband in that the OM knows who your husband is, but your husband does not get to know who the snake in the grass OM is. It will also bug your husband forever, that you are protecting the OM. So what if your husband wants to call the OM? Your husband has that right. This will also make your husband feel that you are not telling him the whole story, because that is what your response is telling me and many others on this site.

[Helivesforme]

Helivesforme,

 

You're doing fine, and I'll support you. There's a lot of bitterness here that is just plain stupid and giving you BAD advise. Don't believe them.

 

You came to us with a problem, and I believe you are honest about it. Sure, you have issues, but you recognized them and PREVENTED an affair. I really don't believe you ever got there, even though you were close. You could have pursued the other guy and banged the hell out of him, but you didn't at all, and you really didn't get emotional with him. I feel a lot of folks here don't know the difference between a friend and an emotional relationship.

 

You know you could have done better, but you recognized it and did something about it.

 

I'm still for you, and hope your success continues.

 

Best to YOU.

 

Hi Old rover, thank you for sending positive vibes. Yes you are

Right that I could've screwed the OM, he was only a call or a text away.

Fortunately I knew that's not what I wanted and I knew so had hit rock

Bottom.. I felt dead, used the OM to feel alive again..he listened and

Is in the same profession so it was somewhat refreshing to talk to someone

Who could understand and relate in those ways. I chose to talk to this OM because I knew I would never want anything more than just a friendship.

Given his past with infidelity, and refusing to accept responsibility on the

Failures in his own marriage. Talking to this OM just reminded me of what I already knew I didn't want in a man. you cannot compare my dh w/ this OM.

My DH is in an entirely different league.

[Helivesforme]

I was actually starting to think that you had a chance at saving your marriage long term until I read your response to telling your husband who the OM is was "Oh no, that is not a good idea. He is going to want to call him and talk to him. Maybe. He wants to know his name too." You just do not get it. Your husband gets to dictate the terms for healing not you. If you want your husband to really heal long term, if you want to show him that you have changed, you need to stop trying to control what he knows like you did when you were cheating.

 

It will bug your husband forever that you have given the OM the upper hand over your husband in that the OM knows who your husband is, but your husband does not get to know who the snake in the grass OM is. It will also bug your husband forever, that you are protecting the OM. So what if your husband wants to call the OM? Your husband has that right. This will also make your husband feel that you are not telling him the whole story, because that is what your response is telling me and many others on this site.

 

The OM is not worth my DHs time. And I believe my Dh might want to take matters into his own hands.

[Try]

I know my Dh well, he might try to find out where the OM works and might want to Beat him up and get violent. It isn't worth my DHs time.. And so that Is my concern.

Tell your husband that in order to help establish better trust that you will tell him who the OM is on one condition. That your husband agree in writing to not physically seek out the OM, and to not do violence to the OM. Tell him that your only concern in this is that you do not want your husband to go to jail, and that otherwise you do not care what happens to the OM. This will satisfy your husband's ego as to why he did not beat up the OM once he learned who he is.

 

As an FYI, if you were my wife, telling me who the OM was would be the number one requirement for me to even consider giving you a second chance. Without this, there would be no conversation about us moving forward together. Many others on this site feel the same exact way.

Edited October 4, 2016 by Try

[Helivesforme]

Tell your husband that in order to help establish better trust that you will tell him who the OM is on one condition. That your husband agree in writing to not physically seek out the OM, and to not do violence to the OM. Tell him that your only concern in this is that you do not want your husband to go to jail, and that otherwise you do not care what happens to the OM. This will satisfy your husband's ego as to why he did not beat up the OM once he learned who he is.

 

As an FYI, if you were my wife, telling me who the OM was would be the number one requirement for me to even consider giving you a second chance. Without this, there would be no conversation about us moving forward together. Many others on this site feel the same exact way.

 

If my dh brings this up again than I guess I'll consider telling him

If he feels it will help him heal. I feel like giving him info on the OM will cause additional grief and my dh will obsess over this OM until he sees who is.

Not worth it, considering I never wanted to be in a relationship with him.

But my dh has that type of personality. He will obsess and obsess. Drive himself nuts, he won't be able to stop thinking about this OM.. Again this OM is not worth my DHs energy.

[DKT3]

If my dh brings this up again than I guess I'll consider telling him

If he feels it will help him heal. I feel like giving him info on the OM will cause additional grief and my dh will obsess over this OM until he sees who is.

Not worth it, considering I never wanted to be in a relationship with him.

But my dh has that type of personality. He will obsess and obsess. Drive himself nuts, he won't be able to stop thinking about this OM.. Again this OM is not worth my DHs energy.

 

You have to stop making unilateral decisions in your marriage, you had the affair(more then what you're admitting which is becoming very clear) you don't get to decide what your husband needs to know. To rebuild your marriage you have to be open and honest you are doing neither yet your confused by his insecurities. Your not serious about this and you clearly believe you are entitled to control the situation by controlling information.

 

It's sad and you're just wasting time.