Is my marriage over?

[ChickiePops]

But he says he wouldn't stay with me if He believed I was physical with another man. So if he is questioning whether I have been or not then it doesn't make

Sense to why he would stay. It saddens me that he would ask me that, it's like I'm being punished when I haven't even done it.

 

So what did he do to deserve being cheated on? Because that is a pretty horrific punishment. If his insecurity is your punishment, at least you've earned it.

 

He's staying because he WANTS to believe you, not because he necessarily does believe you.

 

IF you truly want to try to make this marriage work then you answer every single question honestly, no matter how painful, repetitive, embarrassing, or maddening it is. Every. Single. One.

[elaine567]

But he says he wouldn't stay with me if He believed I was physical with another man. So if he is questioning whether I have been or not then it doesn't make

Sense to why he would stay. It saddens me that he would ask me that, it's like I'm being punished when I haven't even done it.

 

He doesn't KNOW that you haven't done it, because he doesn't now trust a word that comes out of your mouth.

 

He needs to convince himself that you are telling the truth.

He wants to believe you, but is well aware that relations between two sexually active adults leads to sex.

He is also well aware that had you had sex, you are unlikely to tell him the real truth, as you want to stay married.

 

You also told him about how you find other men attractive and he knows that being a virgin bride, you are going to be tempted by other men.

 

He is in a quandary.

In his mind x+y = z, yet you keep telling him x+y = a, it makes no sense to him, but he wants so much to believe you, hence he keeps asking the questions again and again.

[mikeylo]

Now you are ' saddened ' ? When you were laughing and sharing stuff with OM, where was your sadness about how your spouse was feeling ? You have practically lost all the right to pity yourself.

 

He knew your flirty nature and when he told you it's inappropriate, you called him controlling and went to chase other men.

 

^^^ This is the reality of the situation, no matter how you put it. You will now find some other OM because your spouse is being so mean now and you can't deal with it.

 

Good luck karma

[Helivesforme]

He doesn't KNOW that you haven't done it, because he doesn't now trust a word that comes out of your mouth.

 

He needs to convince himself that you are telling the truth.

He wants to believe you, but is well aware that relations between two sexually active adults leads to sex.

He is also well aware that had you had sex, you are unlikely to tell him the real truth, as you want to stay married.

 

You also told him about how you find other men attractive and he knows that being a virgin bride, you are going to be tempted by other men.

 

He is in a quandary.

In his mind x+y = z, yet you keep telling him x+y = a, it makes no sense to him, but he wants so much to believe you, hence he keeps asking the questions again and again.

 

 

I wish there was a way he could know for certain. He would be able to tell if I did. I would be so completely disgusted with myself. It would take an awful lot for me to even touch another man, let alone have sexual relations. I did not want to be in a relationship with this man,ever. I knew he was a savage, then he pretended to be a good person. I fell for some of it because I was vulnerable. I agree I deserve all of this. I'm grateful that my dh wants to work on us and is continuing to hold me on a pedestal. He still treats me like a queen. Brought me breakfast in bed, cares for our son while I sleep.

[elaine567]

You are correct. Well last time I talked to the OM he told me that I could still text him if I wanted to talk even after I told him I can't talk to him anymore. He didn't mention anything sexual.

 

I guess, I'm kinda being naive thinking the dude cares about me. He responds immediately to any messages I send him, he doesn't contact me because I never gave him the ok to. Plus I rejected him several times in the past. So he waits for me to message him. .

 

. I knew he was a savage, then he pretended to be a good person. I fell for some of it because I was vulnerable. I agree I deserve all of this.

 

Actually he doesn't sound in the least bit like a "savage". He sounds a bit like another besotted man who no doubt would have also treated you like a queen...

I know you make a huge play on being naive and vulnerable, but I am not entirely buying it here.

Stop letting your husband prostrate himself on the floor in some sort of desperate "pick me" dance. I do not think that will be a healthy dynamic going forward. He is your equal, you are not a queen.

[Helivesforme]

Actually he doesn't sound in the least bit like a "savage". He sounds a bit like another besotted man who no doubt would have also treated you like a queen...

I know you make a huge play on being naive and vulnerable, but I am not entirely buying it here.

Stop letting your husband prostrate himself on the floor in some sort of desperate "pick me" dance. I do not think that will be a healthy dynamic going forward. He is your equal, you are not a queen.

 

My dh calls me his queen. No you don't understand he is a savage. He cheated on his wife several times than when she found out and cheated on him that's when he went on the hunt for females. Actually he was always on the hunt even being married. He told me he was getting a divorce, then working on his marriage, then getting a divorce. Now dating a new female while still trying to get into my pants. He told me all these different stories. Now that I am on the outside looking in I realize that I was using this OM as an outlet because he made himself readily available. He however was going through divorce and listened to my problems. I am now asking myself what I was doing taking advice from someone that doesn't have my best interest in mind and that has poor judgment. I was definitely a mess opening myself up to this OM. Again we never wanted to be in a relationship with each other we were both going through hard times and the OM pursued me knowing I was married. I rejected him and stopped talking to him, eventually contacted him months later in which he told me he filed for divorce.

Edited October 11, 2016 by Helivesforme

[mikeylo]

My dh calls me his queen. No you don't understand he is a savage. He cheated on his wife several times than when she found out and cheated on him that's when he went on the hunt for females. Actually he was always on the hunt even being married. He told me he was getting a divorce, then working on his marriage, then getting a divorce. Now dating a new female while still trying to get into my pants. He told me all these different stories. Now that I am on the outside looking in I realize that I was using this OM as an outlet because he made himself readily available. He however was going through divorce and listened to my problems. I am now asking myself what I was doing taking advice from someone that doesn't have my best interest in mind and that has poor judgment. I was definitely a mess opening myself up to this OM. Again we never wanted to be in a relationship with each other we were both going through hard times and the OM pursued me knowing I was married. I rejected him and stopped talking to him, eventually contacted him months later in which he told me he filed for divorce.

 

Can you maybe , try and see how contradictory your entire post is ?

[Helivesforme]

We vented to each other mostly, I never wanted to be his gf and he never wanted to be my BF. We started learning about each other. So we shared some intimate details with one another. We never went out, never met up. There was never anything physical.

[mikeylo]

We vented to each other mostly, I never wanted to be his gf and he never wanted to be my BF. We started learning about each other. So we shared some intimate details with one another. We never went out, never met up. There was never anything physical.

 

Okay.

 

1 to 10.

[Helivesforme]

1-10?? Are you asking me to rate the communication?

[road]

I wish there was a way he could know for certain. He would be able to tell if I did. I would be so completely disgusted with myself. It would take an awful lot for me to even touch another man, let alone have sexual relations. I did not want to be in a relationship with this man,ever. I knew he was a savage, then he pretended to be a good person. I fell for some of it because I was vulnerable. I agree I deserve all of this. I'm grateful that my dh wants to work on us and is continuing to hold me on a pedestal. He still treats me like a queen. Brought me breakfast in bed, cares for our son while I sleep.

 

 

 

You broke the blind trust with your affair.

BH can not believe anything that you are saying. He will be saying how do I know she is not lying to me now.

The broken trust can be repaired.

After two to five years. This is why we say recovery is a two to five year process.

Trust will be/can be repaired though it never will be blind again.

[Friskyone4u]

You are correct. Well last time I talked to the OM he told me that I could still text him if I wanted to talk even after I told him I can't talk to him anymore. He didn't mention anything sexual. I realize that When I feel like my dh tries to control me Or when I feel suffocated I reach out to the OM, kinda like an outlet.

 

I guess, I'm kinda being naive thinking the dude cares about me. He responds immediately to any messages I send him, he doesn't contact me because I never gave him the ok to. Plus I rejected him several times in the past. So he waits for me to message him.

 

I spoke too soon,maybe this is too much information. But my husband asks me questions during intercourse, like if I've ever had another man in my mouth or in me.. Then today I woke up with a sore back and he told me not to let any man at work massage me.. Really? No I've never been physical with another man and no I would not let another man touch me inappropriately.

 

 

Am I misreading this or are you now saying you are STILL CHEATING AND CONTACTING THE OM????

 

You are surprised your husband does not believe you. tell me I am wrong here, but it appears you are still at it.

[DKT3]

I guess the thing that is most baffling to me is how amazingly unaware she appears to be as to why her husband doesn't trust her. Throughout her many posts and multiple threads this theme runs deep. She has attempted to make this entirely an issue that he'd husband has and she is a innocent victim to his eccentric behavior. Yet she still isn't being honest about either her actions desires or feelings.

 

Unless she gets honest with herself and stop attempting to minimize her role she is just spinning wheels and going nowhere.

[Helivesforme]

Am I misreading this or are you now saying you are STILL CHEATING AND CONTACTING THE OM????

 

You are surprised your husband does not believe you. tell me I am wrong here, but it appears you are still at it.

 

Not contacting the OM, was talking about the past.

[ChickiePops]

I guess the thing that is most baffling to me is how amazingly unaware she appears to be as to why her husband doesn't trust her. Throughout her many posts and multiple threads this theme runs deep. She has attempted to make this entirely an issue that he'd husband has and she is a innocent victim to his eccentric behavior. Yet she still isn't being honest about either her actions desires or feelings.

 

Unless she gets honest with herself and stop attempting to minimize her role she is just spinning wheels and going nowhere.

 

This.

 

I get that you think minimizing the affair will make him forgive you sooner but you're actually making things worse.

 

There is no way for him to know for sure whether or not you ever slept with this guy. Right now he is asking you questions to try to figure it out for himself. If you are evasive, annoyed, or upset by this then he won't believe what you're telling him.

 

You created a permanent crack in his trust in you and he's trying to decide how big the crack is and whether or not he can live with it. As I said before, I suggest you be patient, kind, and 100% open and honest with him. That's the only way to begin earning his trust back.

[mikeylo]

Divorce is THE only right thing to do here. He deserves much better than what you gave him and are giving him. You don't have to worry either about yourself or him. He will find someone worthy of his love and trust. You too will find some other man.

[Helivesforme]

In your past posts you have expressed that divorce is the only answer. Fortunately my dh N I have not chosen the easy way out. He asked me some questions today that I gladly answered. We are moving forward, both ic & mc is helping, he is letting me sleep. Even though he talked to me for 3 hours in bed last week while I was only on 2 hours of sleep. He has since then, kept himself occupied while I am sleeping and understands that I need my rest to function. He is giving me my space and I have not lashed out at him. We are not arguing in from of our son. We are spending more quality time and arguing less. I hear that I can be abrasive, I am straightforward but am working on not making unnecessary comments. To those that have wished us well and have offered your support, thank you much.

[mikeylo]

You don't have to divorce right now but it could happen in the future if your attitude doesn't change. You might not leave any other option. Make amends when he is still around. Your desire for keeping attractive men ( aka body )etc etc has made him lose his sleep and become a wreck. If he is not lashing out, he could be sucking it up and before you know it , he would have moved on emotionally. You could be taken by surprise. I'm sure you have heard of divorces where one person is shocked as they thought everything was going fine--- we never had a fight , no arguments , no disagreements etc. Well, that person was slowly checking out emotionally because his/her emotional needs were not being met. Happens often

 

A WS not losing sleep while BS losing sleep is a pretty common thing. No BS spouse deserves this. You might lose sleep when you wake up one day and he is not there anymore.

 

Anyway , you know better. Who am I ?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Helives, I guess you are holding on to your position that everything should be hunky dory and that your husband should accept everything you say hook line and sinker and not bother you any more when you try to sleep or go to the rest room or whatever else you may be doing at the time. The fact is that you have pulled the rug from under your husband's feet and an already unstable person( if we are to believe your account of him) has been rendered more unstable. What he is doing right now is clutching at straws to stabilize himself but you are giving him little support and comfort by being opaque about what you have done to destabilize him.

 

The fact is that after reading through your threads and assuming that what you say about your husband and yourself is generally true, then it is obvious that the two of you are poles apart in your expectations of life in general and of your partners. You may have been more closely allied in your assumptions of one another in the beginning, but as time has gone by and you have grown up and are now adults your paths have diverged to an extent that it may not be possible for the two of you to compromise and be able to live amicably together. You have, as it is, expressed a desire to separate from your husband. He may be willing to reconcile but, if you are to be believed, he is clingy and needy and is a bit of a parasite feeding on your emotional resources. You on the other hand are pragmatic, career oriented, ambitious to get ahead in life(and maybe in love) and find him to be a drag on you. You are also good looking, enjoy the attention of men around you( of which there are plenty of high testosterone types) and would probably like to experiment with a few of them( despite claiming that you are not interested in the men that surround you constantly at work). This would be normal for a young woman at the peak of her sexual development and only a very repressed type of person would be unaffected in a situation such as this. Remember that with the amount of testosterone surrounding you in close proximity the male pheromones flying around must be intoxicating and I would not be surprised if you were to succumb to temptation sooner rather than later. In fact you have already found cause to find fault with your husband and have an emotional affair with someone who you knew was a philanderer. It may have been a subconscious choice but the implication is clear. You would have let it go physical if the circumstances permitted and were just right. EAs always lead to PAs as unfailingly as night follows day. That your husband's suspicions broke the spell is literally like encountering a bone chip in a succulent piece of meat. It jars and spoils your fun.

 

The fact is that your husband's gut warned him that all was not well. The fact that you were surrounded by so much testosterone at work must have alerted him a long time ago as would have the signals that you were subconsciously giving off. This led to whatever showdown you had and the rest is history. My point in having said all this is simple. If we are to believe what you say about your husband as gospel truth and he really is the clingy, needy person you have made him out to be then the only recourse is for the two of you to divorce amicably and co parent your child as two happy but separate individuals. You can find someone who shares your interests and goals in life and for him this break up may be just what the doctor ordered. He will learn, grow and mature as a man and will then be able to move ahead in life and find someone compatible to share his life with. The alternative is unthinkable because at some point in the future you will cheat on him and this cycle will be repeated over and over again. Better to live a wholesome life separate rather than an unhealthy one together. Warm wishes.

Edited October 17, 2016 by Just a Guy

[merrmeade]

Does BH still not know everything?

[insatiabledreams]

It was not your fault at all any women would have done the same what you did being in that situation. You have been loyal to him for 11 long years and he doesn't realize this and on the contrary he's blaming you for not being loyal.

 

He is solely responsible for every thing that has happened and not you. He acts are the outcome for what you did unknowingly.

 

I am advising you to leave him or do something that's unethical but he should realize too and try to support if your marriage has to work in future.

 

I can only say be nice and polite to him as it will satisfy his mail ego and discuss with him in a nice way and explain him your situations if he still doesn't understand than he's not worth going after.

 

Sorry for being little rude toward him

 

Tc friend God Bless

[Helivesforme]

Does BH still not know everything?

 

He finally just asked me if the OM is a better than him. I said no. Not even close.

[Helivesforme]

It was not your fault at all any women would have done the same what you did being in that situation. You have been loyal to him for 11 long years and he doesn't realize this and on the contrary he's blaming you for not being loyal.

 

He is solely responsible for every thing that has happened and not you. He acts are the outcome for what you did unknowingly.

 

I am advising you to leave him or do something that's unethical but he should realize too and try to support if your marriage has to work in future.

 

I can only say be nice and polite to him as it will satisfy his mail ego and discuss with him in a nice way and explain him your situations if he still doesn't understand than he's not worth going after.

 

Sorry for being little rude toward him

 

Tc friend God Bless

 

Still no excuse for what I did. Even though dh was not wiling to go to counseling. The first time we went to counseling was a year ago, I had to force him and give him an ultimatum. He was embarrassed about talking about our marital problems to a strange. He has bottled up negative memories and feelings from his childhood. If we for some reason don't work out, I still want him to be a better him. I would want the best for him. He is a great man, I just want him to be happy. Even if it means if he's happy with someone else.

[elaine567]

He finally just asked me if the OM is a better than him. I said no. Not even close.

 

Have you told him who the OM is yet?

[Helivesforme]

Have you told him who the OM is yet?

 

He knows everything that he wanted to know. He l hasn't asked very much since then, he says he wants to move forward and heal instead of concentrating on details that will prolong his recovery.