Is my marriage over?

[Helivesforme]

Time for you to move on. I suggest a trial separation. Your husband probably needs therapy. Pity is not a noble emotion and you are not doing either one of you any favors.

 

Not having dated very much before my 12 year relationship with my husband, I am now starting to realize that maybe we just aren't compatible. We are a biracial couple.. His emotional needs are far different from mine. He constantly needs to be told" I love you" often, always wants to receive hugs kisses, likes to be touched. He said he grew up being told "I love you" on the daily, by his mother by the said her actions showed otherwise.. I on the other hand grew up with very little to no affection. I'm ok with giving hugs and kisses but I don't need it all the time. I think we are also not sexually compatible. I'm more open,adventurous, comfortable with discussing and talking about what I want and eager to please. My dh is just like" I"m ok with how things are, don't have a preference" he thinks that I am weird, because I am more open to try new things and am comfortable with exploring. Beyond just those 2 , he also does not listen or respond to my requests. He just started agreeing to more foreplay,because he saw me slowly fading, amongst other issues we were having. I know I haven't been much of a wife for the last 2 years because I didn't want to be with him anymore but felt stuck. I feel some of these things I can't change about myself and certain things he can't change about himself. Compromise is key,but I'm not going to try to force himinto being someone he's not. Instead of seeking what I feel is missing from our marriage from another man.I talk to my dh and give him the opportunity and time to meet my needs. The only request he has is for me to be more affectionate, and more verbal. Like "I love you" I miss you. It seems like he wants me to suffocate him but I'm not that type of person. He requests that I text him and call him

More often. That I am more attentive, he likes to have long conversations, maybe we just don't have anything in common anymore and don't share any interests of long term goals.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Helivesforme

[CommittedToThis]

I wonder if I did this subconsciously to get out.

 

It sounds like, consciously, you have zero balls to tell your husband the truth he deserves to hear.

 

It's always so much easier to do everything subconsciously, isn't it? That way you can deflect blame.

 

Good luck with everything, you're going to need it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Helives, I guess you want to stick around and get bashed on here. As I said in my previous post your hanging around here is going to get you diminishing returns. You have discussed your case thread bare and in the process, apart from having been given excellent advice and analyses from the good folk here, you yourself have analysed your situation in detail and with a high degree of clarity. As the last poster said you lack the courage to tell your husband that it is over and that you cannot continue with the way things are. Why did you introduce the factor of biracial into your explanation of things? If both you and your husband have been born and brought up in the same environment then how does that play into the problems that you may be facing? Your husband, for whatever reason, has not matured at the same rate and to the same extent as you. He is an emotional parasite sucking out the life force from you leaving you feeling emotionally and physically drained. For the sake of your own mental and physical health you need to get away from him. Of course he will plead and beg but that does no good for you and, in the long run, for him.

 

I guess you have only one option and that is to bite the bullet and tell him it is over. Let him find his own equilibrium. You cannot forever carry him on your back.

 

I guess even after all the advice to the contrary, you will continue to haunt this forum looking for some elusive master solution which is never going to materialize. However I do hope some common sense prevails and that you will stir your self to some positive action for yourself. Warm wishes.

[DKT3]

Hi Helives, I guess you want to stick around and get bashed on here. As I said in my previous post your hanging around here is going to get you diminishing returns. You have discussed your case thread bare and in the process, apart from having been given excellent advice and analyses from the good folk here, you yourself have analysed your situation in detail and with a high degree of clarity. As the last poster said you lack the courage to tell your husband that it is over and that you cannot continue with the way things are. Why did you introduce the factor of biracial into your explanation of things? If both you and your husband have been born and brought up in the same environment then how does that play into the problems that you may be facing? Your husband, for whatever reason, has not matured at the same rate and to the same extent as you. He is an emotional parasite sucking out the life force from you leaving you feeling emotionally and physically drained. For the sake of your own mental and physical health you need to get away from him. Of course he will plead and beg but that does no good for you and, in the long run, for him.

 

I guess you have only one option and that is to bite the bullet and tell him it is over. Let him find his own equilibrium. You cannot forever carry him on your back.

 

I guess even after all the advice to the contrary, you will continue to haunt this forum looking for some elusive master solution which is never going to materialize. However I do hope some common sense prevails and that you will stir your self to some positive action for yourself. Warm wishes.

 

The issue is, like most wayward spouses here the ball of the problem exists with them, it's easier to blame outside sources then to take a look at ones own actions. The problem is not solved by ending the marriage, it will simply be "to be continued" with the next guy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Not having dated very much before my 12 year relationship with my husband, I am now starting to realize that maybe we just aren't compatible. We are a biracial couple.. His emotional needs are far different from mine. He constantly needs to be told" I love you" often, always wants to receive hugs kisses, likes to be touched. He said he grew up being told "I love you" on the daily, by his mother by the said her actions showed otherwise.. I on the other hand grew up with very little to no affection. I'm ok with giving hugs and kisses but I don't need it all the time. I think we are also not sexually compatible. I'm more open,adventurous, comfortable with discussing and talking about what I want and eager to please. My dh is just like" I"m ok with how things are, don't have a preference" he thinks that I am weird, because I am more open to try new things and am comfortable with exploring. Beyond just those 2 , he also does not listen or respond to my requests. He just started agreeing to more foreplay,because he saw me slowly fading, amongst other issues we were having. I know I haven't been much of a wife for the last 2 years because I didn't want to be with him anymore but felt stuck. I feel some of these things I can't change about myself and certain things he can't change about himself. Compromise is key,but I'm not going to try to force himinto being someone he's not. Instead of seeking what I feel is missing from our marriage from another man.I talk to my dh and give him the opportunity and time to meet my needs. The only request he has is for me to be more affectionate, and more verbal. Like "I love you" I miss you. It seems like he wants me to suffocate him but I'm not that type of person. He requests that I text him and call him

More often. That I am more attentive, he likes to have long conversations, maybe we just don't have anything in common anymore and don't share any interests of long term goals.

 

I also grew up without much affection and have trouble saying I love you. However your past does not dictate your present.

 

I feel sad for what you wrote above bolded, these are normal human wants and needs, these are nice things. Did you ever think that maybe if you said you loved him and gave him hugs and affection, he may give you what you need? If my husband did not say he loved me, did not talk with me or hug me, I would be seriously less inclined to meet his sexual needs.

 

Do you love him??

[mikeylo]

God forbid, one of them is going to lose feelings for the other very soon and it will be the end without the end.

[NuevoYorko]

I asked for a separation on a couple of occasions. I told him I would stay at my dads. He never agreed to it and he said if I separate it means I want to go around and meet other men.

Did this happen before, or after the the texting and sharing your needs with all those guys at work, that you explained about in minute detail in your first post on this thread? If after, as I suspect it was, no wonder he thinks you want to meet other men. Duh.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh but I have a hard time being gentle when somebody goes on and on and on about all the faults of their SO, when the thread started out to be about a screw up they themselves made.

 

We get it already about what a needy controlling crybaby you think your husband is. So you got involved with guys at work because of it (not physical, I understand) and your needy controlling crybaby husband found your phone.

 

Now, many many pages later, we are STILL getting details about your needy crybaby controlling husband. Yes! We are all clear about that! It sounds like he's awful, almost anybody would agree!

 

What about you though? Are you going to do anything or just complain about him forever?

[mikeylo]

My prediction: emotional shut down on its way.

 

The end of this relationship.

[Helivesforme]

I love him, some days I feel like I don't want to be with him but I'm sure this is all just part of the process for both of us. He since our last argument last Sunday has given me my space and all has improved..he continues to remind me that he loves me and only wants to be with me and wants to make it work with our family. I am committed to making it work as well. It is not that I don't tell him I love him or show any affection. It is just not as often or frequent as he feels like he needs it. I show my love for him in other ways.. Like staying awake after my graveyard shift to workout and spend some quality time. Bringing home his favorite meals home, cooking, buying him clothes, workout gear, just thoughtful things here and there. Since he has stopped texting me like 50 times a day, I have less anxiety and do not feel as overwhelmed.. Gives me a chance to focus on work and myself, and gives me a chance to actually miss him. I get to opportunity to reach out to him, I can initiate a call or a text, I don't feel like I'm losing my mind. I am happy and I see that he is doing better himself. I understand things will never be perfect.

[mikeylo]

I love him, some days I feel like I don't want to be with him but I'm sure this is all just part of the process for both of us. He since our last argument last Sunday has given me my space and all has improved..he continues to remind me that he loves me and only wants to be with me and wants to make it work with our family. I am committed to making it work as well. It is not that I don't tell him I love him or show any affection. It is just not as often or frequent as he feels like he needs it. I show my love for him in other ways.. Like staying awake after my graveyard shift to workout and spend some quality time. Bringing home his favorite meals home, cooking, buying him clothes, workout gear, just thoughtful things here and there. Since he has stopped texting me like 50 times a day, I have less anxiety and do not feel as overwhelmed.. Gives me a chance to focus on work and myself, and gives me a chance to actually miss him. I get to opportunity to reach out to him, I can initiate a call or a text, I don't feel like I'm losing my mind. I am happy and I see that he is doing better himself. I understand things will never be perfect.

 

That's exactly how emotional detachment begins --- when someone begins taking or giving space.

 

Your other men ogling hasn't stopped apparently. Any person who is in such a relationship will do a few things -- either tell you , scream and shout , tell you again , wail and cry , tell you again, till their cup is full. They either then get up and leave (you then make promises to change , false reconciliation), they stay again but you still keep ogling and salivating and panting at others. They begin the slow detachment process and one day you ask-- what happened? We were working fine!

 

Since you are the smarter one, there is a fine line between giving space and detaching.Watch out for it if you get time from other bodies, that is.

[Helivesforme]

I can control how he feels nor will I try to.

[Superchicken]

I reckon you did more than text the other dudes.

There's just too many frustrations you've been releasing over the many posts.

I'm sorry, but you cant make an omelette without breaking the egg.

Your guilt is probably what has prevented you from leaving him already.

I don't know.. Maybe I'm just blowing wind up my skirt !.

But I don't like the way your wearing yours !.

 

 

Ted.

[BaileyB]

I've been in and out out of this discussion, so I haven't read everything. To be honest, it's been hard to read everything because it just seems like you have a lot of issues and you create a lot of drama in your relationship.

 

Relationships shouldn't be this much work... I think your husband deserves much more than what you have been able to give him in your relationship....

[Noirek]

Have you ever read the 5 love languages? If giving gifts and acts of services are low on your husbands than you doing that is no way replacing the words or physical touch he wants. You both should read it. And not in a "this is what I'm missing" way. But in a "this is what I can give" way.

 

You both seem emotionally immature. But, if you both commit to growing yourselves you may still save your marriage. I still think what you did was to destroy your marriage and you even said so as you were done. But since you now don't seem to want to leave COMMIT to staying and stick with it.

 

Have you considered a new job that is healthier for a family unit? Families should always come first.

[DKT3]

I've been in and out out of this discussion, so I haven't read everything. To be honest, it's been hard to read everything because it just seems like you have a lot of issues and you create a lot of drama in your relationship.

 

Relationships shouldn't be this much work... I think your husband deserves much more than what you have been able to give him in your relationship....

 

Yes, her entire thread read like this... I'm amazing hot and ambitious, my husband is a needy slob. Worst part is she seems totally oblivious to how she comes off, or how poor her behavior really is, or how those behaviors and attitudes impact her marriage.

[BaileyB]

Yes, her entire thread read like this... I'm amazing hot and ambitious, my husband is a needy slob. Worst part is she seems totally oblivious to how she comes off, or how poor her behavior really is, or how those behaviors and attitudes impact her marriage.

 

That's pretty much exactly what I've thought... OP seems very immature and lacks insight into the dysfunction in the relationship. I would say that she doesn't seem to have a good understanding of what it is to have a healthy relationship and this, has no idea how she contributes/creates dysfunction. Which is why I say, not knowing much about the husband, I'm not sure why he's sticking around because there is more to life than what has been described in this marriage.

Edited November 19, 2016 by BaileyB