Is my marriage over?

[harrybrown]

if you ever loved him, divorce first, and do not cheat.

[BTDT2012]

I did everything for our child on my own did the first year and a half, me taking the promotion and changing my schedule forced my husband to help out. He says he was grateful for the opportunity to step up. It is a year and a half later and now our child is 3, I agree that becoming a mom means sacrifice and putting my family first which I have no problem with. I just do not feel like I should have to pick between my family or my career. I want to do it all. Our child is going to start preschool soon and my husband is great at handling everything in his own if necessary. I said I never gave any men the time of day but did reach out when I was at my worst. At this point I communicated to my husband on several occasions that it was over. Again the only reason we did not separate was because we had childcare issues and opposite schedules and could not successfully separate. I'm grown,if my husband could post anything he would say that he apologizes for trying to hold me back and that he is a changed man.

 

You can do it all, just not at the same time. From the things you have said, it doesn't doesn't appear that you really want to be married to him. Reconciliation is hard work. The cheating has to be dealt with befire addressing other issues in the marriage.

Edited September 29, 2016 by BTDT2012

[ShatteredLady]

Happiness isn't a gift that someone can give you. From your posts it's clear that you haven't been happy for quite a while...or that's how you now view the history of your marriage. You say that you have a negative experience that you attach to every major event of your life. Can you give some examples?

 

From what you've written your H is a bad husband because he wants affection, attention & care from you. He felt you drifting away, you had a young child & he didn't want you to take a promotion with "crazy hours". You had already told him how miserable you were & criticize him for being insecure!

 

It really sounds like you want a new, exciting life. You've been with only your H.

 

You've made everything so much worse by having an affair!!

 

When trying to give advise we read what your partner does 'wrong' & advise you how to improve things.... from what you've written you want your H to be more available for child care, encourage you to work all the hours he's not (crazy hours) & leave you alone, not express affection, not contact you during the day, not want terms of endearment or affirmations of your love & not be bothered by you having EA's.

 

What do you want from him? It really reads like you need a nanny & a divorce....

[Helivesforme]

All I asked is for him

To be more supportive. I mentioned hiring someone to help around the house and he was resistant to everything, says he didn't need help and could take care of our child on his own. He knew the whole time we have been together that I wanted to pursue this line of work, and it is a male dominated field. Anyhow if you'd like some examples, they would be drunken times, trying to please my dad during our wedding, baby shower, drunk and knocked out on wedding night, drunk and falling asleep when I was in labor, left to his friends wedding when I was being discharged from surgery when our child was 2 months old, he is not an alcoholic, he just couldn't control his alcohol during those specific times, now he rarely drinks at all.. So he fixed that part.. Then this whole career advancement, he doesn't like me wearing makeup and says I'm all of a sudden into my looks and working out, I told him I just want to feel good about myself and there is nothing wrong with looking presentable for work.. I don't wear a ton, just mascara and some nude lipstick. He didn't do much the first 9 months -1 1/2 of our child's life, I tried to do it all because I tried to be super mom and super wife. I guess I let myself go and didn't take really care about my appearance but my husband didn't mind, never complained or made any comment, he actually said he prefers the natural me and said I changed cause I started to get my hair done and wear makeup after 10 years, I guess after a decade of putting him first, I just want some time to take care of me , our child is well taken care of and I feel like if I feel good about myself my family would only reap the benefits cause I would be happier and healthier.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Helivesforme

[Helivesforme]

Thank you, I want to do it all, I can do it all, I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to fix us before I pursue it again or I will be setting myself up for failure.

[Clay]

I think most the people here are not responding to you because you clearly just don't understand or don't care to even try. I am not trying to be rude but your over the top attitude of how he was a lousy husband and he deserves every thing he gets is just amazing. Imagine if the roles were flipped and he was here telling us how you deserved to be cheated on. We would go after him the same as we are you.

 

I think you need to start with why you feel you were entitled to cheat on him. You can blame it on his past behavior and how he sucked in bed but honestly your cheating is only on you. Your no different than anyone else on these sites. You had every right to end your marriage when you realized you were not happy in your marriage. Marriages are a two way street. All the issues before the marriage is on you just as much as it is on him. It honestly sounds to me like you are probably rewriting history to make yourself feel better about what you did. You deserve to do it. Right?

 

You have to look at yourself and how you act before you can criticize and judge other people. Right now the way your talking and thinking there is no way I can see any chance of your marriage lasting. You clearly have him beaten down so bad at this point most of us are preying he will just run away from you. I am not excuse his controlling behavior or his insecurities. Its clear you took the one thing he feared the most and beat him damn near to death with it. Just the fact you said he states he is grateful to even be around you is a serious indication of the dynamic in your home. What makes this even more sad is you have children. They are going to learn when you wont deal with the important issues or conflicts its just best to stomp all over the other person until they submit.

 

I stand behind what I said in a previous post. You should just divorce him. He is going to need time to heal and find himself again. Your clearly to selfish to even give him that.

 

Marriages are all about give and take. We sacrifice things everyday and learn to accept them as a cost for your marriage to make it work. We don't come back years later and punish our spouse because we failed to negotiate what worked for both of you at that time. When I think about resentment I think about someone who cannot communicate.

 

I personally think you need to divorce and be decent in that divorce. Get yourself into counseling and do the same for the children. They are going to need plenty of outside influence to show that this kind of behavior between two adults is not only wrong but it is unacceptable.

 

Ill get off my soap box now and leave your thread alone.

 

Good luck

My prayers for your children and your husband.

 

C

[Helivesforme]

I never said he deserved it, I was just merely expressing how I felt at the time. I'm not selfish, If you read all of my responses you would see that We were to separate on a few different occasions but unfortunately our schedules and childcare didn't allow. Plus he didn't agree to a separation because he felt I just wanted a free pass to mess aroubd with other men. I hold myself accountable for what I have done. I'm not trying to play the blame game. I don't expect you to underhand because you don't know all the details and don't live my life. All you know is what I have posted and you are entitled to your opinion.

[AMJ]

And after reading this thread I feel differently about what I posted on your other thread. You have different versions of this story, different versions of who he is and who you are, and what the problem is. It is all mixed up...and really hard to follow, OP.

[mikeylo]

And after reading this thread I feel differently about what I posted on your other thread. You have different versions of this story, different versions of who he is and who you are, and what the problem is. It is all mixed up...and really hard to follow, OP.

 

To me it seems like she is him and him is her. Both are same but different.After some years together, people start looking like each other kind of thing going on here.

 

OP, woman up!

[OneLov]

I am all about reconciliation if it is feasible, and in most cases, I would agree that OP is not doing what she would need to do. But this relationship is built on dysfunction. There are severe interpersonal boundary issues that are in play and each contribute to the dysfunctional nature of the relationship. I don't know how anyone can build a straight and level house on a crooked and unstable foundation.

 

I understand most people's problems with the pre-affair relationship after DDay are a bit exaggerated and most relationships have a solid foundation which can be built upon. Understanding the nature of codependent relationships, there will be a lot of rug-sweeping which is not reconciliation. OP's personal problems that caused this mess will not be examined and all the efforts will be focused on "affair proofing" the relationship.

 

Thus, history will repeat itself.

Edited September 29, 2016 by OneLov

[Try]

In my head I was divorced.

Just like what you just said, many cheaters say some version of "In my head I was divorced" in trying to rationalize their cheating. This is standard cheater logic, and it is wrong. If you are either married or you are divorced, there is no "in my head" bull crap. You have been lying and rationalizing your affair long enough. Please stop the false rationalization and end your marriage with class.

[Try]

In my head I was divorced.

Intentionally left blank. Edited September 29, 2016 by Try

[Helivesforme]

I wasn't trying to rationalize, I'm attempting to communicate how I felt and what was going through my head at the time. I have acknowledged that what I did was wrong, again I'm thinking about what drove me to feel that way. I never want to return to that mental state. It took me about 9 months to feel just plain numb, then it just got worse..we are going to mc, and we are both feeling much better. I cut all contact with any males, no longer have snapchat, not on my phone as often. I'm more understanding and patient, answer all his questions, put my phone in the other room. Trying everything to regain his trust, I don't expect him to act like nothing happened but I would like him to believe me when I tell him I never wanted to be in a relationship with the OM, nothing physical ever took place. I know his mind is going crazy and it is going to be difficult for him to believe me because I was deceitful... I wish he could feel how I felt.. I'm not trying to compare how I felt to how he is feeling now. It makes sense that he craves more affection from me and needs to hear that I love him on the daily because he was used to that growing up. I was just raised that actions speak louder than words so it isn't crucial for me to hear that he loves me all the time. I'm ok with actions and would rather not hear empty promises. I would really like my dh to be comfortable with talking about his insecurities. We all have them but instead he gets defensive and says he is not a jealous person or insecure at all. Long before this EA he would tell me to go screw other dudes, or would say I was going to leave him for another guy. This obviously means that he was afraid to lose me.. Why? I'm not sure. He won't say, he just said he didn't mean to say those things. I am glad he has taken my suggestion to go to ic, I noticed that is self worth, self esteem and self confidence has improved in just 3 sessions , I am happy for him and relieved to see that he is not crying and feeling sick anymore from what I did. Instead of begging me to stay he now asks that I just let him know if I don't want to be with him, he says he will not try to keep me or persuade me to stay. I just want to know that he will be ok, with or without me. I wish There was some way for him to know for certain that I am being completely truthful. I was not thinking about the damage I was causing. He didn't and doesn't deserve to hurt like this.. All we can do is move forward.

Edited September 30, 2016 by Helivesforme

[road]

The longer the affair went on

 

 

The longer the WW trickled truth

 

 

All adds to the recovery time

[Helivesforme]

ww?imm not sure what that means,the EA was not ongoing, I just texted him whenever I felt like I needed to talk. It was like once a week or twice a week for about a month

[harrybrown]

I wasn't trying to rationalize, I'm attempting to communicate how I felt and what was going through my head at the time. I have acknowledged that what I did was wrong, again I'm thinking about what drove me to feel that way. I never want to return to that mental state. It took me about 9 months to feel just plain numb, then it just got worse..we are going to mc, and we are both feeling much better. I cut all contact with any males, no longer have snapchat, not on my phone as often. I'm more understanding and patient, answer all his questions, put my phone in the other room. Trying everything to regain his trust, I don't expect him to act like nothing happened but I would like him to believe me when I tell him I never wanted to be in a relationship with the OM, nothing physical ever took place. I know his mind is going crazy and it is going to be difficult for him to believe me because I was deceitful... I wish he could feel how I felt.. I'm not trying to compare how I felt to how he is feeling now. It makes sense that he craves more affection from me and needs to hear that I love him on the daily because he was used to that growing up. I was just raised that actions speak louder than words so it isn't crucial for me to hear that he loves me all the time. I'm ok with actions and would rather not hear empty promises. I would really like my dh to be comfortable with talking about his insecurities. We all have them but instead he gets defensive and says he is not a jealous person or insecure at all. Long before this EA he would tell me to go screw other dudes, or would say I was going to leave him for another guy. This obviously means that he was afraid to lose me.. Why? I'm not sure. He won't say, he just said he didn't mean to say those things. I am glad he has taken my suggestion to go to ic, I noticed that is self worth, self esteem and self confidence has improved in just 3 sessions , I am happy for him and relieved to see that he is not crying and feeling sick anymore from what I did. Instead of begging me to stay he now asks that I just let him know if I don't want to be with him, he says he will not try to keep me or persuade me to stay. I just want to know that he will be ok, with or without me. I wish There was some way for him to know for certain that I am being completely truthful. I was not thinking about the damage I was causing. He didn't and doesn't deserve to hurt like this.. All we can do is move forward.

 

 

moving forward is rugsweeping.

 

You need to think about how it would feel for someone to cheat on you.

 

My friend's wife had an A. they divorced. the OM abused their daughter. Your OM could never do anything like that.

 

Have you read how to help your spouse how to heal from your A?

 

start doing that for your family. Put your words into actions. call affair recovery, you can find them online. How can your spouse know when you are telling the truth? You lied to him over and over.

 

Write him a timeline of the A.

 

Hope you start putting your family first.

[Helivesforme]

I'm not sure if the details would help the situation. It will only make him think I'm am doing certain things when I'm not. Like he wants to know details like the OM ethnicity and name and all that. I don't work with the OM anymore. I do not want to be in a relationship with the OM. How is knowing his name and ethnicity going to help him? How is a timeline going to help? Our marriage counselor says these details Are not going to help him recover or heal. I am putting my family first by working on my own issues and working on being a better me, so that I can be a better wife and continue to be a super mommy.

[DKT3]

I'm not sure if the details would help the situation. It will only make him think I'm am doing certain things when I'm not. Like he wants to know details like the OM ethnicity and name and all that. I don't work with the OM anymore. I do not want to be in a relationship with the OM. How is knowing his name and ethnicity going to help him? How is a timeline going to help? Our marriage counselor says these details Are not going to help him recover or heal. I am putting my family first by working on my own issues and working on being a better me, so that I can be a better wife and continue to be a super mommy.

 

If your therapist actually told you that he/she is horrible. Allowing your husband to fill in the blanks is a very bad idea, in to mention severely slowing him from rebuilding trust in you. I really see you as someone who just don't get nor do I feel you really want to.

[Helivesforme]

So you're saying it would help to know the OM name and ethnicity? How so? So every time he hears the name or sees a guy of his ethnicity is is going to have some ugly feeling? I'd rather not out my dh through anymore torture.

[DKT3]

So you're saying it would help to know the OM name and ethnicity? How so? So every time he hears the name or sees a guy of his ethnicity is is going to have some ugly feeling? I'd rather not out my dh through anymore torture.

 

It helps because it would mean your being open and honest with him. If he knows you will be honest about things that are tough to be honest about then his doubts will start to melt away.

 

If you continue this way, your husband will start to view you as the enemy and not a partner. Resentment will set in which would lead to rugsweeping and a return to the same ole same or him telling you to kick rocks.

[nymphetgrown]

So, you should probably leave your husband.

 

This relationship is irretrievable, IMO. You don't like your man. He treats you kinda like manure anyway. The only thing you have in common is a kid, and does that kid need to see you two being awful people to each other? No!

 

Love is not enough. Respect is important and it sounds like neither of you have that for the other, so just... end it, already.

[DKT3]

So, you should probably leave your husband.

 

This relationship is irretrievable, IMO. You don't like your man. He treats you kinda like manure anyway. The only thing you have in common is a kid, and does that kid need to see you two being awful people to each other? No!

 

Love is not enough. Respect is important and it sounds like neither of you have that for the other, so just... end it, already.

 

I think it's tough to say he doesn't love and respect her since his side is being told through her eye's and she clearly thinks very little of him.

[elaine567]

I'm not sure if the details would help the situation. It will only make him think I'm am doing certain things when I'm not. Like he wants to know details like the OM ethnicity and name and all that. I don't work with the OM anymore. I do not want to be in a relationship with the OM. How is knowing his name and ethnicity going to help him? How is a timeline going to help? Our marriage counselor says these details Are not going to help him recover or heal. I am putting my family first by working on my own issues and working on being a better me, so that I can be a better wife and continue to be a super mommy.

 

He needs the details so that he can judge where he stands in comparison - it is not an unreasonable request.

He needs to put things in perspective with the facts.

At the moment he probably imagines someone who looks like a Greek God, and who is exceptional in every way conceivably possible.

He will be torturing himself and feeling unworthy in the face of what he will think is better opposition.

He needs to know what he is up against here.

He needs a timeline.

He needs the truth

[OldRover]

I'm not sure if the details would help the situation. It will only make him think I'm am doing certain things when I'm not. Like he wants to know details like the OM ethnicity and name and all that. I don't work with the OM anymore. I do not want to be in a relationship with the OM. How is knowing his name and ethnicity going to help him? How is a timeline going to help? Our marriage counselor says these details Are not going to help him recover or heal. I am putting my family first by working on my own issues and working on being a better me, so that I can be a better wife and continue to be a super mommy.

 

Helivesforme,

 

I'd argue to work hard and save your marriage, and it certainly is savable. The advice to divorce if BS. You have too much going for both of you.

 

First order is to reclaim the love with your husband. Dig into his needs and satisfy them. Show him you really care. Read the book The Five Love Languages, in fact, read it to him. You both need to connect to each other and that's a good way. However, TAKE THE FIRST STEP.

 

Don't worry about your career advancement for now. You don't say who the real bread winner is, but guessing it's your husband, so support him and put yours second. Spend more time with him and your kid. If that's not correct, then he should consider being the house dad, care for the kid and push your career. But the career advancement now is secondary to the relationship.

 

I'm not on the page that you had an affair... doesn't even sound emotional to me, maybe I missed something. However, if you need to talk, find a good girl friend for that. A guy just puts up a red flag. And you don't have to go into details with your husband, but tell him what he wants to know. Get that behind you.

 

Good luck.

[Helivesforme]

Wow old rover, it's quite refreshing to hear some positive feedback. Lots of ppl just think getting a divorce is the answer but that would be taking the easy way out. The issue is with unfinished business. I feel like a failure because of the whole promotion thing, I'm angry because I allowed myself to quit and I am not nor will I ever be a quitter... I tried to juggle my family and my career. One had to give and as a result, I chose my family but haven't been happy n can't stop thinking about what I gave up. I appreciate your input and advice.