Is my marriage over?

[Try]

But my dh has that type of personality. He will obsess and obsess. Drive himself nuts, he won't be able to stop thinking about this OM.

I will take your quote "But my dh has that type of personality. He will obsess and obsess. Drive himself nuts, he won't be able to stop thinking about this OM." and add just a few words so as to correct it "But my dh has that type of personality. He will obsess and obsess. Drive himself nuts, he won't be able to stop thinking about WONDERING WHO IS this OM." If your husband is like you say, than my version rings more true.

[road]

Oh no, that is not a good idea. He is going to want to call him and talk to him.

Maybe. He wants to know his name too. I feel like the more details the more tortured my dh will be. He thinks it will help him, but if he is saying he wants to forgive me and move forward. The "details" will not help. It will drive him nuts.

 

 

Just the opposite. If you two are still married thirty years later from now your BH will still be wanting and needing answers to his questions about the affair and your OM.

 

 

Yes details will be painful to heal. Though better to rip off the scab and get the affair wound cleaned out so your BH can heal.

 

 

To not answer your BH's questions will leave him never to rest for he does not know who to watch out for to protect his marriage.

 

 

Known fact many OM come back repeatedly trying to restart the affair. BH needs to protect his hen house but you will not tell him who the burglar that robbed from him before so he can keep an eye open.

 

 

You say that your BH can trust you that the affair is dead and that you do not want the OM. Well you said to your BH that he can trust you when you said I do at the altar. Then you did the OM.

 

 

Sorry it takes more then a WW saying you can trust me now after she says the affair is over. Do you know how many WW have said this, only then to keep on sleeping with their OM behind their BH's back?

 

 

Having to tell the BH those details is the consequence of having an affair.

 

 

You sound like a spoiled child. You danced and are now refusing to pay for the music.

[NuevoYorko]

Sure, you have issues, but you recognized them and PREVENTED an affair. .

Did you read the OP? What prevented the affair was her husband going through her phone. If he hadn't, there is no indication in this thread that she was even considering giving it up.

[Helivesforme]

Just the opposite. If you two are still married thirty years later from now your BH will still be wanting and needing answers to his questions about the affair and your OM.

 

 

Yes details will be painful to heal. Though better to rip off the scab and get the affair wound cleaned out so your BH can heal.

 

 

To not answer your BH's questions will leave him never to rest for he does not know who to watch out for to protect his marriage.

 

 

Known fact many OM come back repeatedly trying to restart the affair. BH needs to protect his hen house but you will not tell him who the burglar that robbed from him before so he can keep an eye open.

 

 

You say that your BH can trust you that the affair is dead and that you do not want the OM. Well you said to your BH that he can trust you when you said I do at the altar. Then you did the OM.

 

 

Sorry it takes more then a WW saying you can trust me now after she says the affair is over. Do you know how many WW have said this, only then to keep on sleeping with their OM behind their BH's back?

 

 

Having to tell the BH those details is the consequence of having an affair.

 

 

You sound like a spoiled child. You danced and are now refusing to pay for the music.

 

I never slept with the OM.

[NuevoYorko]

I never slept with the OM.

That's good. Seems like you were definitely on the way before your husband went through your phone though.

 

Emotional betrayal is not easier to recover from than a sexual one. In a way, sexual is easier because it is a deed that was done; it's solid. Knowing that your spouse revealed your marital problems to someone they were lusting after is a killer. Sadly, your marriage sounds like a sham to me. I hope you both find what you need out of life and move on from this nastiness.

[Helivesforme]

That's good. Seems like you were definitely on the way before your husband went through your phone though.

 

Emotional betrayal is not easier to recover from than a sexual one. In a way, sexual is easier because it is a deed that was done; it's solid. Knowing that your spouse revealed your marital problems to someone they were lusting after is a killer. Sadly, your marriage sounds like a sham to me. I hope you both find what you need out of life and move on from this nastiness.

 

Nope not a sham. Sadly you are incorrect.

[mikeylo]

You flirt with guys at work. Had an affair with a guy from work. You are not in affair anymore.

 

You want your husband to forgive you and trust you ( you will earn).

 

Who is going to watch you how you are behaving at work with the guys ? Are they going to stop flirting with you because?? They will not let go of you because they are getting their thrill and your broken relationship. Your husband is off to his work , so how will he know what you are upto?

 

The original ' he just has to trust me that I won't do it again. I've learnt my lesson' ship has sailed. Whenever he sees you chatting with any guy, his radar will blow up. You will blame him. He will call you out on your actions. Big time flirts have a very open body language and you will feel stiffled after sometime. Rinse repeat.

 

Your OM and other guy friends and other flirt buddies will latch on to you. You will give in. Your husband will get up and leave. Because he has done the forgive , forget dance before.

 

It's bomb waiting to explode.

[elaine567]

Yes details will be painful to heal. Though better to rip off the scab and get the affair wound cleaned out so your BH can heal.

 

To not answer your BH's questions will leave him never to rest for he does not know who to watch out for to protect his marriage.

 

Known fact many OM come back repeatedly trying to restart the affair. BH needs to protect his hen house but you will not tell him who the burglar that robbed from him before so he can keep an eye open.

 

 

Agreed.

If my bf/husband/partner was having an affair with a woman from work and wouldn't tell me who she was, but he told me that she had left the job (how convenient!) and to not worry my pretty little head about her any more, it would drive me nuts.

Not only would I not know what I was up against, was she some throw away "bimbo" or was she "marriage material"?

Was this "love" or just a fling with a willing participant?

Is she still around? Am I likely to meet her in the street, at a social event, at work, in the supermarket...?

She knows who I am, but I am in the dark as to who she is? Is that fair?

 

Did she actually leave the job or is she still there?

If I do not know who she is, then she could still be cosying up to him every day at work, how would I know?

 

I know some BSs will put their heads in the sand and will not want to know anything about the affair and that is how they cope, but your dh wants to know and keeping the identity of the OM a secret shows your husband that you think more of the OM than you do of him, that may indeed be the death knell to your marriage.

 

Do not make unilateral decisions for your husband, he needs to know who this man is so he can protect himself and his family here and he can also make an informed decision as to what he is going to do with his life going forward too.

[Helivesforme]

You flirt with guys at work. Had an affair with a guy from work. You are not in affair anymore.

 

You want your husband to forgive you and trust you ( you will earn).

 

Who is going to watch you how you are behaving at work with the guys ? Are they going to stop flirting with you because?? They will not let go of you because they are getting their thrill and your broken relationship. Your husband is off to his work , so how will he know what you are upto?

 

The original ' he just has to trust me that I won't do it again. I've learnt my lesson' ship has sailed. Whenever he sees you chatting with any guy, his radar will blow up. You will blame him. He will call you out on your actions. Big time flirts have a very open body language and you will feel stiffled after sometime. Rinse repeat.

 

Your OM and other guy friends and other flirt buddies will latch on to you. You will give in. Your husband will get up and leave. Because he has done the forgive , forget dance before.

 

It's bomb waiting to explode.

 

 

Fail. Wrong again. I'm not a big flirt. I do not blame

My dh. I put myself in his shoes and understand that

It will take time and communication to regain his trust.

My main concern is my dh, he has some unresolved issues

With his mother that have caused him to be dependent on me

For his happiness. I'm glad he has agreed to go to ic. I do not see

The OM and I have cut all contact. I have no urge to talk to other

Men. My priority is improving the communication between my dh & I.

And tending to all of his needs. I hold myself accountable for my actions.

[DKT3]

Fail. Wrong again. I'm not a big flirt. I do not blame

My dh. I put myself in his shoes and understand that

It will take time and communication to regain his trust.

My main concern is my dh, he has some unresolved issues

With his mother that have caused him to be dependent on me

For his happiness. I'm glad he has agreed to go to ic. I do not see

The OM and I have cut all contact. I have no urge to talk to other

Men. My priority is improving the communication between my dh & I.

And tending to all of his needs. I hold myself accountable for my actions.

 

These are just words your actions say different...I'm done here, it's obvious a waste of time because you just keep contradicting yourself and you CLEARLY don't get it. How can you build trust and communicate better if you withhold information and do so because you know better then your husband what's best for him. I'm not buying, I believe your affair was more and your fear is him finding out. So I'm out, you just spinning your wheels and going nowhere. Good kuck

[Helivesforme]

These are just words your actions say different...I'm done here, it's obvious a waste of time because you just keep contradicting yourself and you CLEARLY don't get it. How can you build trust and communicate better if you withhold information and do so because you know better then your husband what's best for him. I'm not buying, I believe your affair was more and your fear is him finding out. So I'm out, you just spinning your wheels and going nowhere. Good kuck

 

Fortunately, I don't care what you think.

[Helivesforme]

Agreed.

If my bf/husband/partner was having an affair with a woman from work and wouldn't tell me who she was, but he told me that she had left the job (how convenient!) and to not worry my pretty little head about her any more, it would drive me nuts.

Not only would I not know what I was up against, was she some throw away "bimbo" or was she "marriage material"?

Was this "love" or just a fling with a willing participant?

Is she still around? Am I likely to meet her in the street, at a social event, at work, in the supermarket...?

She knows who I am, but I am in the dark as to who she is? Is that fair?

 

Did she actually leave the job or is she still there?

If I do not know who she is, then she could still be cosying up to him every day at work, how would I know?

 

I know some BSs will put their heads in the sand and will not want to know anything about the affair and that is how they cope, but your dh wants to know and keeping the identity of the OM a secret shows your husband that you think more of the OM than you do of him, that may indeed be the death knell to your marriage.

 

Do not make unilateral decisions for your husband, he needs to know who this man is so he can protect himself and his family here and he can also make an informed decision as to what he is going to do with his life going forward too.

 

Elaine,

 

I talked to my DH and he stated he just wanted to move forward, and that he does not want to know the details. If he for some reason changes his mind, I will

Share and reveal it all. For I have nothing to hide. It was my attempt to protect him from further Devastation.

[elaine567]

Elaine,

 

I talked to my DH and he stated he just wanted to move forward, and that he does not want to know the details. If he for some reason changes his mind, I will

Share and reveal it all. For I have nothing to hide. It was my attempt to protect him from further Devastation.

 

 

OK so he has changed his mind? A week ago he wanted his name and all his details like his ethnicity, and you and your therapist felt he didn't need to know. Even today you say he will obsess and obsess over the OM.

Do you not think it would be better to put him out of his misery and speak to him about the OM?

[Helivesforme]

OK so he has changed his mind? A week ago he wanted his name and all his details like his ethnicity, and you and your therapist felt he didn't need to know. Even today you say he will obsess and obsess over the OM.

Do you not think it would be better to put him out of his misery and speak to him about the OM?

 

I believe he will obsess if he knows all the details.

[mikeylo]

Fail. Wrong again. I'm not a big flirt. I do not blame

My dh. I put myself in his shoes and understand that

It will take time and communication to regain his trust.

My main concern is my dh, he has some unresolved issues

With his mother that have caused him to be dependent on me

For his happiness. I'm glad he has agreed to go to ic. I do not see

The OM and I have cut all contact. I have no urge to talk to other

Men. My priority is improving the communication between my dh & I.

And tending to all of his needs. I hold myself accountable for my actions.

 

How are you going to flirt proof others and yourself in a matter of few days? They won't let go off you because they are used to it with you. If you tell them it's because of your husband or being respectful to him , they are going to persuade you that he is being controlling ( and go on to brain wash you as to how we all have opposite sex friends , it's healthy etc etc etc). People with selfish interests know how to manipulate unless you dump them cold turkey.

 

How are you going to handle that ? Look, I'm all for having someone to spend / share life with and giving a good role model to kids but you have damaged the very bond that attaches two people -- emotions. Sex is body. Emotions is your entire being.

[Midwestmissy]

You aren't in charge of the outcome. The control you thought you had with affair didn't pan out. Heres my take, and I talk to my kids about it: when your world blows up, the only thing left standing in the room in the truth. Not the lies, excuses, blah blah - they don't have legs to last. The truth is always there, so you may as well start there.

 

Also, anything you lose from telling the truth and being honest was not meant to be.

[Helivesforme]

How are you going to flirt proof others and yourself in a matter of few days? They won't let go off you because they are used to it with you. If you tell them it's because of your husband or being respectful to him , they are going to persuade you that he is being controlling ( and go on to brain wash you as to how we all have opposite sex friends , it's healthy etc etc etc). People with selfish interests know how to manipulate unless you dump them cold turkey.

 

How are you going to handle that ? Look, I'm all for having someone to spend / share life with and giving a good role model to kids but you have damaged the very bond that attaches two people -- emotions. Sex is body. Emotions is your entire being.

 

Quite frankly you do not make any sense. A few days? It's been a month. I didn't flirt with multiple men.

[merrmeade]

You aren't in charge of the outcome. The control you thought you had with affair didn't pan out. Heres my take, and I talk to my kids about it: when your world blows up, the only thing left standing in the room in the truth. Not the lies, excuses, blah blah - they don't have legs to last. The truth is always there, so you may as well start there.

 

Also, anything you lose from telling the truth and being honest was not meant to be.

Beautiful truth. Awesome metaphor (if mixed) Wish I'd known how important this message would be when my kids were growing up - though they're naturally honest so guess it got through.

[road]

I never slept with the OM.

 

 

 

 

So you never slept with the OM.

 

 

That is a fact. But it is just one fact.

 

 

Then the word slept is very general. Reminds me of the Bill Clinton defense I did not have sex with that women. Turns out what he did would not be ok with any BW.

 

 

Also this single general fact is not suitable to answer all the questions that a BH could have.

 

 

"I did not sleep with the OM" is a good start to telling your BH what went down.

[road]

Elaine,

 

I talked to my DH and he stated he just wanted to move forward, and that he does not want to know the details. If he for some reason changes his mind, I will

Share and reveal it all. For I have nothing to hide. It was my attempt to protect him from further Devastation.

 

OK so he has changed his mind? A week ago he wanted his name and all his details like his ethnicity, and you and your therapist felt he didn't need to know. Even today you say he will obsess and obsess over the OM.

Do you not think it would be better to put him out of his misery and speak to him about the OM?

 

 

First it was yes and now it is no.

 

 

Well maybe after or if the MC brain washing wears off your BH may realize that he did need the truth. So be prepared to give it.

[road]

I believe he will obsess if he knows all the details.

 

For thirty five years I have been obsessing who the OM was and what they did.

 

 

Thirty five years of my wife refusing to tell me she acts like she does not why I do not talk with her much. Asking me why am I so quiet. Trying to rug sweep what happened.

 

 

Yet I keep looking at the area on the rug where it is raised because something is hidden under it.

 

 

You may be effective at keeping your BH from talking about your affair, you may keep him married, though you will not prevent the partial disconnect from denying him the truth.

[mikeylo]

Quite frankly you do not make any sense. A few days? It's been a month. I didn't flirt with multiple men.

 

Only one month.

 

Emotional wounds take a lot of time to heal. The lovey dovey feelings are replaced by hurt, resentment, doubt , fear , insecurity. It's going to be -- when earlier he used to be carefree, now his thoughts will be , what if she is flirting with a new guy when I'm driving home? Instead of looking forward to see you with delight, it's the above said emotions he feels. The in love feeling is gone.

 

You have eyes for other men. Period. You find them attractive. Period. Why are you with him?

 

You will get tired and want him to start trusting you again like before. That innocent trust is gone. Can you bring that back ?

 

When was the last time you saw a smile on his face? While you were busy laughing with other men, did you not imagine his smileless face ? No. You were too focused on your happiness.

 

The reality you have shown him is that he can be cheated on.

[NuevoYorko]

I feel terrible for hurting my husband and he wants us to stay together but he has been crazy paranoid , asking me questions, doesn't want me on my phone, and I feel like he has always tried to isolate me. I don't know if we have grown apart or if I can't forgive him from holding me back. It is not in my character to cheat, and I have held myself accountable for what I have done, but I wonder if I did this subconsciously to get out..I feel like my husband will never recover and that he will never support my future career goals.

 

You wrote this one week ago. What happened to this (maybe) honest self scrutiny? Nothing can have changed in one week after the blowup about your emotional affair and 11 years in a controlling relationship.

 

Sorry. I'm not here to pick on you. I do have a little bit of advice. Since this is your thread and you are the person who betrayed your husband and marriage, why don't you stick to talking about your part of it, and leave all the detailed picking apart of your husband and his flaws to a different thread? Venting about your spouse is ok I think ... but in the context of your thread about your own cheating, it seems out of place to me. I think people would take you more seriously if you'd leave his thousands of faults out of this one.

 

Good luck.

[harrybrown]

Elaine,

 

I talked to my DH and he stated he just wanted to move forward, and that he does not want to know the details. If he for some reason changes his mind, I will

Share and reveal it all. For I have nothing to hide. It was my attempt to protect him from further Devastation.

 

So are you going to stop cheating on him?

[mikeylo]

So are you going to stop cheating on him?

 

It really doesn't matter if she cheats again or not. He is probably going to opt out. Not worth the effort of regaining trust. He might as well just start new with someone who has better morals and is trustworthy.

 

OP , if you suddenly see him happy , carefree then it's a sign of trying to move on and emotional detachment from you and taking away the power from you to hurt him again.

 

Opposite of love is indifference.