Is my marriage over?

[Try]

You have eyes for other men. Period. You find them attractive. Period. Why are you with him?

I agree with much of what you say, but here you are going too far. To ask the OP "Why are you with him?" just because she finds other men attractive is unfair, because if people are honest we all find a few people that are not our spouse attractive. The only difference between a cheater and someone that does not cheat, is that the cheater acts on it.

[mikeylo]

I agree with much of what you say, but here you are going too far. To ask the OP "Why are you with him?" just because she finds other men attractive is unfair, because if people are honest we all find a few people that are not our spouse attractive. The only difference between a cheater and someone that does not cheat, is that the cheater acts on it.

 

She did act. Emotionally at first. It's always a matter of time when it turned physical.

 

If someone keeps pointing out that this or that person is attractive , it does lead to saying -- go to them then. Each to his own on this issue. You might be fine with this, OP might be fine and some posters here be might fine with it but OP's spouse is not. They have to be on level with this. They are not. It could be THE nail in the coffin

[merrmeade]

I don't know if anyone mentioned this already, but in September there was an active 4-page thread that spent a LOT of time on this same subject. The WW gave almost an identical excuse. Yours is he will obsess over the details; hers was that he had had emotional issues in the past, including depression, and this would throw him back or maybe worse. That thread is called WS. Not telling the whole truth.

 

What might be interesting for you is that as we were all trying every which way to convince her to tell him, he found her thread, was utterly furious and started his own thread (I am the OP's BS, which is on p. 2 of the forum right now). The thing was - what we saw - he was nothing like she'd described. He was stable, well-spoken and utterly clear-sighted about everything. What seemed to bother him the most was her lying about it and the reasons she gave and her unilateral decision-making about what was or was not good for him or as he called it, treating him "like a child." The other thing - He was considering divorce.

 

In other words, you are protecting your husband - you think. But you are also damaging your relationship with him even further. Lying is often the last straw.

[Helivesforme]

I agree with much of what you say, but here you are going too far. To ask the OP "Why are you with him?" just because she finds other men attractive is unfair, because if people are honest we all find a few people that are not our spouse attractive. The only difference between a cheater and someone that does not cheat, is that the cheater acts on it.

 

I thought finding other ppl attractive is only human nature. I never point out who I find attractive , I just openly told my husband that I recognize that both of us are going to be naturally attracted to beings of the opposite sex. With that being said, how much is too much. I feel like I cannot breathe and am being constantly smothered. My argues and questions me in front of our 3 year old. We already agreed in mc that we wouldn't argue in front of our son especially since our son has asked us to "be nice to each other" and to "stop yelling" I also have no privacy what so ever.. I understand that I have brought this upon myself,,and I need to regain my dh's trust but I feel like he is going overboard. Considering I work graveyard and He does not allow me sufficient time to l rest/wind down/use the restroom. Yesterday he was upset because he texted me and I came home 10 minutes after he texted me without responding.,I didn't see his message because I was driving home after picking our son up. He said he was concerned about me, I had 1 hour before having to leave for work and he wanted to talk, followed me from the kitchen to the restroom. I requested nicely that he stop arguing in front of our son. He then continued saying our son is in the next room, asking me what's wrong with me, asking me why I'm so irritated and upset, he continued to follow me to the restroom and stood inside talking. I again told him I needed to shower and get ready for work, but he continued to talk to me so I shut the door in order to prevent myself from really losing my patience. I went into the kitchen shortly after and sat down and listened to him talk. He said he only needs 15 minutes, which ultimately turned into 40 minutes. During this time our son came out of the room and asked us to " talk nicely to each other".. I told my dh we are not in a healthy relationship and need to work on the control issues. I requested that he stop isolating himself from society, because he kept saying his world revolves around me, and our family. That he has no urge or his friends do not have any free time to go out. He said he is not interested in taking up any kind of hobby, sport or extra circular activities.. I told him I just want him to enjoy and be able to have some time to himself. Where he can relax and work on himself individually. He said he doesn't want to, and said he doesn't need to go out and he wants to be home with us all the time. When I arrived home from work this morning he was on his way out.,he told me good bye. I went inside and was using the restroom , literally sitting on the toilet and He opens the door and starts talking to me while I'm on the toilet, again no privacy.. I reminded him that we had already discussed this whole issue with him following me and not giving me any room to breathe. He then left, came home from work a few hours later and woke me up while I was asleep to talk again. To tell me that he would never accept any form of social media ok my end. That me using snapchat would be a deal breaker. He says he is so deeply in love and whole heartedly invested in our marriage and that he can't stop replaying the messages in found on my phone. He demanded I give him a straight answer on whether I could promise him forever. Told me he doesn't feel the urge to cheat or to get back at me. That giving up on us would be taking the easy way out.. After only sleeping for 3 hours, I listened but I was half asleep and only had about ah hour and a half left to rest, so I reminded him about how we talked about him allowing me to rest. He said he didn't want to bother me that he just came home so he could " watch me sleep" and that he didn't care if I found it creepy. That he just wants to be there. Are there still boundaries that should be set? Or did I basically lose the right to have any privacy because of what I did??

Edited October 5, 2016 by Helivesforme

[merrmeade]

Sounds pretty normal for someone who just found out he's a BH.

[Helivesforme]

I don't know if anyone mentioned this already, but in September there was an active 4-page thread that spent a LOT of time on this same subject. The WW gave almost an identical excuse. Yours is he will obsess over the details; hers was that he had had emotional issues in the past, including depression, and this would throw him back or maybe worse. That thread is called WS. Not telling the whole truth.

 

What might be interesting for you is that as we were all trying every which way to convince her to tell him, he found her thread, was utterly furious and started his own thread (I am the OP's BS, which is on p. 2 of the forum right now). The thing was - what we saw - he was nothing like she'd described. He was stable, well-spoken and utterly clear-sighted about everything. What seemed to bother him the most was her lying about it and the reasons she gave and her unilateral decision-making about what was or was not good for him or as he called it, treating him "like a child." The other thing - He was considering divorce.

 

In other words, you are protecting your husband - you think. But you are also damaging your relationship with him even further. Lying is often the last straw.

 

I would prefer that he take it out on me instead feeling so tortured and looking defeated all the time. I am doing my best, staying off my phone and responding to all his calls and texts in a timely manner. He hasn't asked about the OM again, but still has trouble sleeping, while I'm

Away at work.. This started ever since I started my graveyard shift. I told my dh today that I do not rely solely on our marriage to be happy. I would love for him to be able to find peace within himself and to not rely so heavily on the outcome of us. I would just like him to be able to stand in his own 2 feet with or without me. From the very beginning I urged him to seek IC so that he could improve on knowing his self worth and building his self confidence and self esteem. His mother was emotionally abusive to him all the years of his life, so he suffers and is codependent. I acknowledge that I am somewhat codependent too seeking approval from my dh, making his opinions my reality. For example my dh loves me for being the natural, confident barely any makeup wearing me. I don't need makeup to make me feel beautiful nor do I wear any type of revealing outfits. I dress appropriately and modestly at all times. Recently I started to catch certain things my dh would say like why I need to wear makeup to work, or a dress that I was going to wear was too tight on my butt. I changed my dress because my dh wasn't comfortable with it. However I feel that I should be able to wear as much makeup if I felt like it. I've always been into cosmetics and have a huge collection. My dh stated that I shouldn't wear more makeup because he doesn't feel like I need to. I argued I do not wear that much any way but why would there be a problem or an issue with me wanting me apply more? He said I should make my decisions based on his approval and what he saw fit.., am I crazy? Or being unreasonable? For considering his feelings but also wanting to make my own gosh dang decisions? Does anyone know if my dh will ever recover completely? I wish I could heal his wounds with a quickness.

Edited October 5, 2016 by Helivesforme

[Helivesforme]

So are you going to stop cheating on him?

 

I already have. Cut contact with OM a month ago.

[Friskyone4u]

Helivesforme,

 

I think what you need to understand is that to some people an EA is as bad or worse than a PA, and you do not get to decide that. He is the BH. And sorry to say your loss of privacy is a consequence of what you have done. And yes it may be obsessive, but so is doing everything up to having sex with another man.

 

You keep going back to this "finding other people attractive" line. OK, you are correct. Unless you lock yourself in your house you are going to run into people you find attractive but reminding him of that is not really reassuring to someone in his position right now.

 

Let's put the EA ( and we all are assuming that is the absolute truth) aside. What are you doling VOLUNTARILY and without prodding to be "accountable". ??? If you do not want him smothering you, how about taking steps on your own to take that concern away. ??

 

Is you phone locator on. Have you volunteered a GPS tracker on your car?? Have you offered a polygraph test in the future to reassure him??? None of that has to be permanant but what needs to happen right now is he needs to have his doubts taken away by your actions, not words. And you acting as if that is "punishment" is not reassuring to him. You seem too thoughtful to believe you should just rugsweep this, and if your MC is telling him to just put it behind you that it the worst advice he can be given.

 

Your husband does need to make some adjustments, but he does not need to be hearing about how you find other men attractive right now. You have married young, you have different needs and wants than when you were 18, that is normal. But at some point here you are going to have to make a firm decision as to whether or not you want to remain married, whether or not you will embrace monogamy, and then act accordingly.

 

Right now, you ought to be busting your butt to try to make him feel safe, regardless of how suffocating that is. And quite frankly if I was posting to him, I would be telling him that he can't control you and to give you his expectations, give you the opportunity to meet those expectations, and if you can't or won't to show you the door. Part of the problem is he is so co dependent on you and is playing what we call the pick me game, which rarely works out because it makes you feel that like a can't you have nine lives and can do whatever you want to because you are in control of the narrative.

 

I hope your MC or his IC can addrsss that with him./

[Helivesforme]

Helivesforme,

 

I think what you need to understand is that to some people an EA is as bad or worse than a PA, and you do not get to decide that. He is the BH. And sorry to say your loss of privacy is a consequence of what you have done. And yes it may be obsessive, but so is doing everything up to having sex with another man.

 

You keep going back to this "finding other people attractive" line. OK, you are correct. Unless you lock yourself in your house you are going to run into people you find attractive but reminding him of that is not really reassuring to someone in his position right now.

 

Let's put the EA ( and we all are assuming that is the absolute truth) aside. What are you doling VOLUNTARILY and without prodding to be "accountable". ??? If you do not want him smothering you, how about taking steps on your own to take that concern away. ??

 

Is you phone locator on. Have you volunteered a GPS tracker on your car?? Have you offered a polygraph test in the future to reassure him??? None of that has to be permanant but what needs to happen right now is he needs to have his doubts taken away by your actions, not words. And you acting as if that is "punishment" is not reassuring to him. You seem too thoughtful to believe you should just rugsweep this, and if your MC is telling him to just put it behind you that it the worst advice he can be given.

 

Your husband does need to make some adjustments, but he does not need to be hearing about how you find other men attractive right now. You have married young, you have different needs and wants than when you were 18, that is normal. But at some point here you are going to have to make a firm decision as to whether or not you want to remain married, whether or not you will embrace monogamy, and then act accordingly.

 

Right now, you ought to be busting your butt to try to make him feel safe, regardless of how suffocating that is. And quite frankly if I was posting to him, I would be telling him that he can't control you and to give you his expectations, give you the opportunity to meet those expectations, and if you can't or won't to show you the door. Part of the problem is he is so co dependent on you and is playing what we call the pick me game, which rarely works out because it makes you feel that like a can't you have nine lives and can do whatever you want to because you are in control of the narrative.

 

I hope your MC or his IC can addrsss that with him./

 

Thank you for your advice. It seems like he is fighting change. We all grow and change but he refuses adapt to it. Wants us to stay on our when we first met "bubble" I will face the consequences, I will endure all of the suffocation if it means that my dh will be able to trust me again.. I do not know how long it is going to take but I am willing to do what is necessary.

[MJJean]

Have you tried actually stating to him that his clingy and controlling ways are smothering you, extremely creepy, and that if he doesn't lay off you will actually leave? Like, have you ever very bluntly and calmly just said it outright leaving no room for any kind of ambiguity?

 

Seriously, your husband sounds a lot more like an insecure tween than a grown man and I'd go bat*****crazy living like that.

 

I am, btw, someone who doesn't really understand the concept of privacy in a marriage. However, if DH or I want to go #2 in peace or take a shower and just relax with the hot water, the other one will gtfo.

 

Sleeping for work is sacred and pre-work sleep time is not to be disturbed unless dire emergency.

 

And, the big one, I am a grown woman who will wear what I please. DH can express an opinion and I will take it into consideration, but if I want to wear a string bikini and put my make up on with a butter knife, I will.

[NuevoYorko]

I would just like him to be able to stand in his own 2 feet with or without me. From the very beginning I urged him to seek IC so that he could improve on knowing his self worth and building his self confidence and self esteem. His mother was emotionally abusive to him all the years of his life, so he suffers and is codependent. I acknowledge that I am somewhat codependent too seeking approval from my dh, making his opinions my reality. For example my dh loves me for being the natural, confident barely any makeup wearing me. I don't need makeup to make me feel beautiful nor do I wear any type of revealing outfits. I dress appropriately and modestly at all times. Recently I started to catch certain things my dh would say like why I need to wear makeup to work, or a dress that I was going to wear was too tight on my butt. I changed my dress because my dh wasn't comfortable with it. However I feel that I should be able to wear as much makeup if I felt like it. I've always been into cosmetics and have a huge collection. My dh stated that I shouldn't wear more makeup because he doesn't feel like I need to. I argued I do not wear that much any way but why would there be a problem or an issue with me wanting me apply more? He said I should make my decisions based on his approval and what he saw fit.., am I crazy? Or being unreasonable? For considering his feelings but also wanting to make my own gosh dang decisions? Does anyone know if my dh will ever recover completely? I wish I could heal his wounds with a quickness.

 

What does all this have to do with your husband looking on your phone (after you stopped sleeping in the same room as him so you could stay on your phone all the time) and finding your texts about some work guy's sexual fantasies, etc? And how he's reacted to that? You are all over the place.

[standtall]

Let me get this straight. You're an unapologetic...because you blame him for being driven to another man..cheater. Who is trickle truthing your husband about who the OM was, the details...[ie you say you didn't sleep with him, but there are other forms of sex besides sleeping with someone etc..], who constantly gets aggravated because he is controlling and untrusting....what exactly is your purpose here? Validation? it should be obvious why he is controlling and does not trust you...

 

If your looking for advice about how to fix it, listen to the majority of the posters here and start by

 

1. Decide whether or not you want to fix the marriage

a. if yes

1. Be honest with yourself about what your part was.

2. Be honest with him and divulge everything and accept his recovery.

3. Work on repairing it together with IC and MC.

b. if no,

1. Divorce

 

End of story.

[road]

I would prefer that he take it out on me instead feeling so tortured and looking defeated all the time. I am doing my best, staying off my phone and responding to all his calls and texts in a timely manner. He hasn't asked about the OM again, but still has trouble sleeping, while I'm

Away at work.. This started ever since I started my graveyard shift. I told my dh today that I do not rely solely on our marriage to be happy. I would love for him to be able to find peace within himself and to not rely so heavily on the outcome of us. I would just like him to be able to stand in his own 2 feet with or without me. From the very beginning I urged him to seek IC so that he could improve on knowing his self worth and building his self confidence and self esteem. His mother was emotionally abusive to him all the years of his life, so he suffers and is codependent. I acknowledge that I am somewhat codependent too seeking approval from my dh, making his opinions my reality. For example my dh loves me for being the natural, confident barely any makeup wearing me. I don't need makeup to make me feel beautiful nor do I wear any type of revealing outfits. I dress appropriately and modestly at all times. Recently I started to catch certain things my dh would say like why I need to wear makeup to work, or a dress that I was going to wear was too tight on my butt. I changed my dress because my dh wasn't comfortable with it. However I feel that I should be able to wear as much makeup if I felt like it. I've always been into cosmetics and have a huge collection. My dh stated that I shouldn't wear more makeup because he doesn't feel like I need to. I argued I do not wear that much any way but why would there be a problem or an issue with me wanting me apply more? He said I should make my decisions based on his approval and what he saw fit.., am I crazy? Or being unreasonable? For considering his feelings but also wanting to make my own gosh dang decisions? Does anyone know if my dh will ever recover completely? I wish I could heal his wounds with a quickness.

 

Many a WW has gotten lax in their dress and grooming before the affair.

 

 

Many a BH notice that out of the blue all of a sudden WW updated her wardrobe, never leaves the house without her hair done, or her makeup and nails done. Even if she did those things before she never forgets them now and puts in extra effort on her face and nails.

 

 

Many BH noticed these changes but did not suspect any wrong doing so they let it pass without comment.

 

 

D day.

 

 

The BH now starts to realize why the WW had new closes and spent extra time on her grooming. It was to attract and keep her OM.

 

 

BH's mind only knows to go defensive. BH logic my WW got dolled up and she got laid by her OM.

 

 

I do not want no more OM doing my WW so no more WW doing her hair, make up and nails.

 

 

During recovery the WS has to be able to realize what is going through their BS's head.

[mikeylo]

His behavior is normal after what you have done. You feeling suffocated is your new normal. You have lived with full freedom , without thinking of consequences on your husband and your marriage. You will never have that freedom again if you choose to stay married to your this husband. You broke that trust that gave you the freedom.

 

It really is your choice to stay or go. As long as you keep finding others attractive, you are not giving your husband what he deserves. You might realize later the price you paid to lose him. Or worse, he might give you the taste of your own medicine.

 

He is now automatically going to hate the guys you even look at, leave aside whom you talk to. That is also the new normal. You made your bed, now lie in it or get a new bed.

[Lion Heart]

I thought finding other ppl attractive is only human nature. I never point out who I find attractive , I just openly told my husband that I recognize that both of us are going to be naturally attracted to beings of the opposite sex. With that being said, how much is too much. I feel like I cannot breathe and am being constantly smothered. My argues and questions me in front of our 3 year old. We already agreed in mc that we wouldn't argue in front of our son especially since our son has asked us to "be nice to each other" and to "stop yelling" I also have no privacy what so ever.. I understand that I have brought this upon myself,,and I need to regain my dh's trust but I feel like he is going overboard. Considering I work graveyard and He does not allow me sufficient time to l rest/wind down/use the restroom. Yesterday he was upset because he texted me and I came home 10 minutes after he texted me without responding.,I didn't see his message because I was driving home after picking our son up. He said he was concerned about me, I had 1 hour before having to leave for work and he wanted to talk, followed me from the kitchen to the restroom. I requested nicely that he stop arguing in front of our son. He then continued saying our son is in the next room, asking me what's wrong with me, asking me why I'm so irritated and upset, he continued to follow me to the restroom and stood inside talking. I again told him I needed to shower and get ready for work, but he continued to talk to me so I shut the door in order to prevent myself from really losing my patience. I went into the kitchen shortly after and sat down and listened to him talk. He said he only needs 15 minutes, which ultimately turned into 40 minutes. During this time our son came out of the room and asked us to " talk nicely to each other".. I told my dh we are not in a healthy relationship and need to work on the control issues. I requested that he stop isolating himself from society, because he kept saying his world revolves around me, and our family. That he has no urge or his friends do not have any free time to go out. He said he is not interested in taking up any kind of hobby, sport or extra circular activities.. I told him I just want him to enjoy and be able to have some time to himself. Where he can relax and work on himself individually. He said he doesn't want to, and said he doesn't need to go out and he wants to be home with us all the time. When I arrived home from work this morning he was on his way out.,he told me good bye. I went inside and was using the restroom , literally sitting on the toilet and He opens the door and starts talking to me while I'm on the toilet, again no privacy.. I reminded him that we had already discussed this whole issue with him following me and not giving me any room to breathe. He then left, came home from work a few hours later and woke me up while I was asleep to talk again. To tell me that he would never accept any form of social media ok my end. That me using snapchat would be a deal breaker. He says he is so deeply in love and whole heartedly invested in our marriage and that he can't stop replaying the messages in found on my phone. He demanded I give him a straight answer on whether I could promise him forever. Told me he doesn't feel the urge to cheat or to get back at me. That giving up on us would be taking the easy way out.. After only sleeping for 3 hours, I listened but I was half asleep and only had about ah hour and a half left to rest, so I reminded him about how we talked about him allowing me to rest. He said he didn't want to bother me that he just came home so he could " watch me sleep" and that he didn't care if I found it creepy. That he just wants to be there. Are there still boundaries that should be set? Or did I basically lose the right to have any privacy because of what I did??

 

Yes. You basically lost the right to all privacy because you CHOSE to STAY and be in RECONCILIATION with your "dh" who happens to have been betrayed by you.

 

He was not your "dear" anything at the point of your affair.

 

With all your complaining about his behaviours now, I'm wondering if DH is being sarcastic?

 

I'm hoping to give YOU some pointers moving forward.

 

Just a prerequisite exercise, realize that your BH doesn't see the woman he married in you anymore. She looks like and is you he knows rationally BUT YOU AREN'T the woman he THOUGHT he married.

He sees the person who betrayed him every moment of every day.

You are always there causing him pain now.

 

Ofcourse he's going to be questioning you day in and day out. HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU....not really.

 

Your BH needs time to assimilate what he thought you were and what you are...the pain too.

 

HINTS:

Ramp up the MC. Weekly.

IC for BH and you too.

 

WRITE a fully detailed TIMELINE of your A.

Give it to him.

 

When things APPEARED to become in R mode in my last M, we woke an hour earlier in the morning when our children were still sleeping. 5am every day. Set the alarm for 6am and stopped talking then. Sure some mornings I was very angry or frustrated by new knowledge. Mostly WH WITHHOLDING information or true feelings I realize now. Not only was it a FALSE RECONCILIATION because there were multiple affairs not "only one" but he had GIGS and was all over the place.

 

Sort yourself out.

 

If your BH is asking for "forever" promises, isn't that his RIGHT TO KNOW.

Since you promised this in your Wedding Vows and APPEAR to have changed your mind.

It is his right to know.

 

I think your M is a ticking time bomb tbh.

You are not willing to recommit your marriage vows.

Hence a false reconciliation.

 

Your BH NEEDS MORE.

He needs more KNOWLEDGE from you and outside your marriage.

 

I suggest you tell him to join LS.

He'll GET the support he needs outside of you.

He'll also get the CLARITY he needs. Faster IMO.

 

Your phone and ANY email or any other type of communications need to be open and transparent to him until.....

Leave it with him to read while you use your restroom and shower.

Download a GPS on both phones.

So when you ARE late, he can track where you are.

This will or will not settle him.

 

But it's YOU who has the power TO settle this behaviour.

 

DO attend more safe places together ie family gatherings.

STOP OVERTLY looking at OM.

This behaviour DOES send a message to OM. They don't need much to be encouraged! Lol.

It'd help if you changed this behaviour.

 

FIND a hobby you can BOTH do together.

For now BH wants to be glued to you.

When he feels more secure in your M, which will be........ then.

Then he MAY branch out more.

Not before.

And ANY attempt of yours forcing him to be away from you, just makes him think you never want him close to you.

 

I'd INVITE him in to watch you on the loo! Lol.

He'll probably give up after a few boring days or weeks.

 

I'd INVITE him to get naked and shower with you.

Maybe THIS is a good activity to keep!

 

Find some time to just BE with him.

Holding hands on the lounge watching a comedy (with NO affair material!!).

Go out for dinner with him and DEMONSTRATE your eyes are on him and not wandering everywhere else.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart

[merrmeade]

Elaine, I talked to my DH and he stated he just wanted to move forward, and that he does not want to know the details. If he for some reason changes his mind, I will

Share and reveal it all. For I have nothing to hide. It was my attempt to protect him from further Devastation.

I believe he will obsess if he knows all the details.

It seemed there was some question about whether or not you're still withholding information.

[elaine567]

Thank you for your advice. It seems like he is fighting change. We all grow and change but he refuses adapt to it. Wants us to stay on our when we first met "bubble" I will face the consequences, I will endure all of the suffocation if it means that my dh will be able to trust me again.. I do not know how long it is going to take but I am willing to do what is necessary.

 

In your first met "bubble" everything was perfect in his eyes, so faced with the unthinkable here, he wants to go back there. That is not unreasonable from his point of view. The world is scary, the world will take you away from him, so he wants to keep you close.

Unfortunately the "bubble" was claustrophobic and that was one of the reasons you strayed in the first place, and now the "bubble" has got even smaller.

I am not sure if he can ever trust you enough to let you have the life you want. His insecurity is deep seated; it is not just due to your affair.

 

You, however are acting like many cheaters do.

They want it all sorted out as fast as possible, they want it all forgotten, they blame shift and they are short on empathy. They get irritated at the lack of progress.

That is because no-one likes to be seen as the person who did wrong for very long, they want to be set free from the heavy stuff.

Forgive and forget is what we are taught, but a reconciliation requires that the guilty party needs to show they are truly sorry and they need to keep on showing they are truly sorry, not just... "I said I am sorry, can we just forget about it now".

 

Your son is in hell here and will be blaming himself.

Is it possible for him to go visit grand parents or friends or family till you get this sorted out to the extent that at least you can speak to each other civilly.

 

(BTW your husband is violating your private space in the shower and toilet as he knows that cheaters use those rooms to continue speaking to the OM.)

[MJJean]

OP, could you clarify for me? Was your H this nutty controlling and isolationist BEFORE the affair or is this new?

[merrmeade]

Yes. You basically lost the right to all privacy because you CHOSE to STAY and be in RECONCILIATION with your "dh" who happens to have been betrayed by you.

Yes. You basically lost the right to all privacy because you CHOSE to STAY and be in RECONCILIATION with your "dh" who happens to have been betrayed by you.

Yes. You basically lost the right to all privacy because you CHOSE to STAY and be in RECONCILIATION with your "dh" who happens to have been betrayed by you.

Yes. You basically lost the right to all privacy because you CHOSE to STAY and be in RECONCILIATION with your "dh" who happens to have been betrayed by you.

That's all you need to remember.

 

Relax and accept and LET HIM have control. The BH's need guides reconciliation. The "W" in WS does NOT stand for 'wise.'

[merrmeade]

And you can make him sound like the most deranged, incompetent nincompoop, I won't believe he's truly as incapable of taking up his role in reconciliation (with some help from MC) until he posts himself on LS. Not that he needs to do that because based on history - your own and others' - and present conversation, the fact of your conscious betrayal of him and his best interest disqualifies you from even applying for this position. Traitors don't get their jobs back. Regardless of anything, YOU are the LEAST qualified to make decisions about HIS best interest in his relationship with you.

 

Humility is what successful WSs show. To think they can be objective about their betrayed spouses' interests in decisions regarding the R reflects the same kind of delusional thinking that got them into the A in the first place. It's the most insidious kind of hubris that sneaks in, annihilating doubt and disguising self-aggrandizement as selfless sacrifice. You can't feel it, see it or hear it because it's stealth from within. Even to think you can fix it yourself is just more delusion.

 

So go for it. Keep shooting your redemption to blithereens. It's your soul you're destroying.

[Helivesforme]

Just a quick update. It's getting better. My dh can ask me the same questions over and over again and I will continue to answer them until he no longer feels the need to ask them.. I still feel a bit suffocated, but our communication has improved.

[Friskyone4u]

Helivesforme

 

Maybe I missed something but lets see if I am up to date from this and your other threads

(1) you have NOT had sex with OM so it was and still is entirely EA

(2) you do NOT work side by side for 10 hours a day with this OM

(3) your hubby still does not want details and you are not volunteering them

(4) you are saying you are committed to remaining married in a MONOGAMOUS relationship

(5) you are not a flirt and do not go out of your way to seek male attention.

(6) you are trying to rebuild trust with your husband

 

If I got something wrong I am sorry.

 

But in another thread you are stating how attracted you are to other men and how you married so young and have not experienced any sexual relationships with other men. If you do not resolve that slight contradiction to what you state you want as far as healing your husband and remaining married you have a big problem/

 

He is going to IC, right??? Understand they all think differently and the absolute LAST thing he needs to hear right now is something to the effect of some IC telling him to "get over it", to "put it behind him" , and to blindly "trust' you again with no expectations and boundaries on your part.

 

My suggestions to you are pretty simple:

(1) give him total transparency if you have not already done that

(2) be accountable for where you are and if you are not where he thinks you are tell him immediately and tell him why. No dead cell phone.

(3) no GNO or overnight trips without him

(4) write a TIMELINE if you have not done it so you do not have to say "I can't remember" if at some point he wants details

(5) investigate a polygraph examiner and keep this in your back pocket. If YOU keep your end of the bargain and stay NC with this OM and there are no others, and hubby still cannot regain trust, offer up the polygraph.

Also, I would ask him to sign waiver so his IC can talk to you about the sessions. i say this because you need to know if she is telling him stuff that is helping or hurting and hear it with your own ears. Not every appouintment but after a few sessions

 

And lastly, if you were headed in this OM's mind towards a sexual encounter, understand OM IS going to test you again. men enter affairs for sex primarily. Women, and i think you did this, enter primarily for emotional needs, and the sex is the price of admission to keep the ego kibbles coming.

 

 

Once an OM believes there is absolutely no chance for sex they usually back off. Since you are saying you have no desire to keep this going and are not experienced with other men, do not be naive and assume he will not try to get involved with you again. he needs to be blocked in every channel you own.

 

Hope you resolve this somehow

[Helivesforme]

Helivesforme

 

Maybe I missed something but lets see if I am up to date from this and your other threads

(1) you have NOT had sex with OM so it was and still is entirely EA

(2) you do NOT work side by side for 10 hours a day with this OM

(3) your hubby still does not want details and you are not volunteering them

(4) you are saying you are committed to remaining married in a MONOGAMOUS relationship

(5) you are not a flirt and do not go out of your way to seek male attention.

(6) you are trying to rebuild trust with your husband

 

If I got something wrong I am sorry.

 

But in another thread you are stating how attracted you are to other men and how you married so young and have not experienced any sexual relationships with other men. If you do not resolve that slight contradiction to what you state you want as far as healing your husband and remaining married you have a big problem/

 

He is going to IC, right??? Understand they all think differently and the absolute LAST thing he needs to hear right now is something to the effect of some IC telling him to "get over it", to "put it behind him" , and to blindly "trust' you again with no expectations and boundaries on your part.

 

My suggestions to you are pretty simple:

(1) give him total transparency if you have not already done that

(2) be accountable for where you are and if you are not where he thinks you are tell him immediately and tell him why. No dead cell phone.

(3) no GNO or overnight trips without him

(4) write a TIMELINE if you have not done it so you do not have to say "I can't remember" if at some point he wants details

(5) investigate a polygraph examiner and keep this in your back pocket. If YOU keep your end of the bargain and stay NC with this OM and there are no others, and hubby still cannot regain trust, offer up the polygraph.

Also, I would ask him to sign waiver so his IC can talk to you about the sessions. i say this because you need to know if she is telling him stuff that is helping or hurting and hear it with your own ears. Not every appouintment but after a few sessions

 

And lastly, if you were headed in this OM's mind towards a sexual encounter, understand OM IS going to test you again. men enter affairs for sex primarily. Women, and i think you did this, enter primarily for emotional needs, and the sex is the price of admission to keep the ego kibbles coming.

 

 

Once an OM believes there is absolutely no chance for sex they usually back off. Since you are saying you have no desire to keep this going and are not experienced with other men, do not be naive and assume he will not try to get involved with you again. he needs to be blocked in every channel you own.

 

Hope you resolve this somehow

 

You are correct. Well last time I talked to the OM he told me that I could still text him if I wanted to talk even after I told him I can't talk to him anymore. He didn't mention anything sexual. I realize that When I feel like my dh tries to control me Or when I feel suffocated I reach out to the OM, kinda like an outlet.

 

I guess, I'm kinda being naive thinking the dude cares about me. He responds immediately to any messages I send him, he doesn't contact me because I never gave him the ok to. Plus I rejected him several times in the past. So he waits for me to message him.

 

I spoke too soon,maybe this is too much information. But my husband asks me questions during intercourse, like if I've ever had another man in my mouth or in me.. Then today I woke up with a sore back and he told me not to let any man at work massage me.. Really? No I've never been physical with another man and no I would not let another man touch me inappropriately.

[merrmeade]

First post:

My husband looked through my phone and found some messages. Says I cheated on him emotionally. We are going through marriage counseling now.... he has been crazy paranoid , asking me questions, doesn't want me on my phone, and I feel like he has always tried to isolate me.

Most recent post:

But my husband asks me questions during intercourse, like if I've ever had another man in my mouth or in me.. Then today I woke up with a sore back and he told me not to let any man at work massage me.. Really? No I've never been physical with another man and no I would not let another man touch me inappropriately.

You're not getting this. It's perfectly normal for him to suddenly ask you if you did this or that or to warn you about doing something else because he feels like anything is possible since you were not forthcoming about everything in the past.

 

This can happen because the betrayed spouse has no firm ground to stand on and can't be sure of anything the unfaithful spouse might do.

 

He doesn't feel that he knows fullly what you have or haven't done, so he guesses. It's the result of lack of trust.

[Helivesforme]

First post: Most recent post: You're not getting this. It's perfectly normal for him to suddenly ask you if you did this or that or to warn you about doing something else because he feels like anything is possible since you were not forthcoming about everything in the past.

 

This can happen because the betrayed spouse has no firm ground to stand on and can't be sure of anything the unfaithful spouse might do.

 

He doesn't feel that he knows fullly what you have or haven't done, so he guesses. It's the result of lack of trust.

 

But he says he wouldn't stay with me if He believed I was physical with another man. So if he is questioning whether I have been or not then it doesn't make

Sense to why he would stay. It saddens me that he would ask me that, it's like I'm being punished when I haven't even done it.