Heartbroken

[NZgirl]

Hey all, first time user here!

 

I need some unbiased advice as I'm in a bit of a situation.

Long story short, myself and my SO have been together for 8 years.

For the last year we have been doing long distance, due to him moving to another country. My plan was to join him.

I moved over in March but due to not being able to find work and a family situation, I had to leave in May. I didn't want to go. I told him as soon as it's sorted (a couple of weeks) I would return.

 

Instead he decided to call time on the relationship. I was heartbroken. He did say that the only way to fix things was for me to gain employment. He had been supporting me financially but things were becoming tight. Long story short, I managed to secure a job in that country while I was still at home (FaceTime for the win)

 

However this is were things get complicated. First and foremost since we were split up, I know that each of us could do whatever. However he kept assuring me that he was not dating anyone. The week that I told him I got the job, everything changed.

 

From the time I got an interview to getting the role, I kept in touch every step of the way with regards to my progress.

 

I called him straight after I got the news (a Friday) and he was super happy and excited. He told me to celebrate and even talked about how things would be when I got there. He said that we would talk about it later that weekend.

 

On the Sunday, it happened to be his late Fathers Birthday and I txted to see how his day was and to sort out time for a call. He said he was busy. Turns out the reason he was busy was because he was in bed with a random girl he met from Tinder.

 

He told me this during a phone call the next day. Not only was there one girl but within that week he slept with 2. This whole time he had been telling me to fix us, I needed a job and that he wasn't seeing anyone. I was heartbroken.

 

He did apologise and told me that they meant nothing. The next day he called me again saying that one made his ego feel good. I told him that yes I knew we weren't together but that I didn't like being lied too. He said would end things with her but as she meant something to him (wtf) he had to call it off face to face.

 

That weekend he told me via txt that he ended things with her and that he loved me. He also said that he was going to put his all into fixing us. He said he just txted her instead.

 

Today I found that he had been lying. Since we broke up he has met 7 different girls but only slept with 2. However though he told me it was over with this girl, he has carried on sleeping with her. He met up with her to tell her in person and instead they slept together 3 days ago.

 

He has been honest, he didn't have to tell me anything as we aren't together but I feel like a fool. I put in so much effort. He gave me false info.

 

On my side of the coin, I slept with 2 other people but they were one offs. I have told him. He told me he didn't care. He has even shown this girl photos of me and spoken to her about fixing things with me. I feel extremely uncomfortable with this.

 

So on my end, I have to decide if it's worth the risk to fix this by moving countries and taking this role. The job starts in 2 weeks. I know we aren't together but I took his word that things were over with this girl and it wasn't the case. He has said it's just sex. It's the misleading and lies I can't get my head around. Coupled with the fact that when I close my eyes I imagine all sorts. I also feel hurt as he told me to be excited and celebrate about getting the job and that he was happy too. If he really was, why jump into bed with her?

 

I told him that I'm sleeping on the couch if I go through with his. I know we haven't been together but after all I did, I feel betrayed.

 

My brain and heart are telling me 2 different things.

 

Help please! Am I overreacting here?

Edited September 27, 2016 by NZgirl

[Asenok baby]

I feel you are great person and challenged yourself to be with you boyfriend.

 

I don't I understand how can he break up with you whenever he wants it.

You were supportive and his gf for a long time, but the way he treats you is like you are girl for a one night stand.

Excuse me, he sleept with someone just because he needs confidence and it's just a sex.

You are not his toy..

How about you?

Ask yourself what do you need from him?

Can you rely on this person?

Can you trust him?

If I were you I wouldn't set for this man.

But if you want to challenge yourself and go to another country,go for it. Do it for yourself!

[lazcas]

You definitely aren't overreacting, that man has lied abd betrayed you so much.

 

How can you be sure that he didn't cheat on you before you split up? People don't become liars from morning to night, this person you are seeing is who he has always been.

 

Could you trust him again? If you chose to believe him and he ends up having sex with other women it would surely make you feel even worse than you feel

 

Is that man worth your effort?

Edited September 28, 2016 by lazcas

[NZgirl]

Exactly. I get that we were separated and in reality, he didnt have to tell me anything.

 

We both saw other people, so it's not one sided by it's the lies that really get to me. I would never do that to him.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is sending very clear signals that he wants to be single. How old are you both? It could be that after 8 years, he's recognizing he's not ready to settle down.

 

Go and take the job and start a new chapter for yourself. But do not go with the expectation that you two will get back together. It just doesn't sound like a viable situation at the moment.

[Lois_Griffin]

So the POS thought nothing of YOU making all the sacrifices to move to another country to be with him and he supported you - for a whopping 60 WHOLE days - while you looked for a job and then started whining that he didn't want to do it anymore? What a complete D-bag.

 

That ALONE would be enough of a reason to dump his worthless ass right there.

 

Why you're wasting your time seeking employment where he lives and gearing up once again to leave everything you know and love to go be with some loser who'll have sex with anything that won't run away from him is just beyond me.

 

I'd be SO done with this a*sshole.

[NZgirl]

Not totally correct there. He was devastated that I left. We had been in long distance for a while. I didn't want to leave but I told him I was going to come back.

[NZgirl]

We were separated. So in reality, we could both do whatever. The issue is that I expected his attitude to have changed. Why tell me you love me and that it's over with this other person then end up in bed together again? Why tell me that I needed to prove to you that I wanted to come back by getting a job, telling me to be happy about it then screwing some girl?

[coolheadal]

OMG why would you put up with such a man!! Sure he could do whatever he wanted since you are not really together but the point is he's just doing it right now. Eight years with him you have tolerated a lot and that's the problem. Keep it short or keep it sweet but you can do better than this guy. There is no excuse to keep this going beyond this point. You can feel heartbroken but so can he because you are the backup and he's yours too. But now the cat is out of the bag you know what's he's been doing when you don't talk or text.

[justwhoiam]

He slept with two partners. You slept with two partners. There was no commitment by either side by mutual consent. It looks like neither of you is really in love with the other.

 

Can it work? I don't know. I guess you're both destined to fall for someone else. Maybe the 8 years down the road had a weight in your current perception of the other.

 

You shouldn't move in with him, but I understand that this would change things a lot, financially for you.

 

See if the job is really worth it and pays well. If it does, share a house/apartment with someone else, provided you check who the house mate is carefully.

 

Cut ties with your (ex) boyfriend.

[Satu]

I think you both need to find out what love is.

[NZgirl]

He is sending very clear signals that he wants to be single. How old are you both? It could be that after 8 years, he's recognizing he's not ready to settle down.

 

Go and take the job and start a new chapter for yourself. But do not go with the expectation that you two will get back together. It just doesn't sound like a viable situation at the moment.

 

 

 

Im 31 and he is 30. Honestly, I thought we may of gotten engaged at some point soon. He is acting like a 20 year old.

[NZgirl]

He slept with two partners. You slept with two partners. There was no commitment by either side by mutual consent. It looks like neither of you is really in love with the other.

 

Can it work? I don't know. I guess you're both destined to fall for someone else. Maybe the 8 years down the road had a weight in your current perception of the other.

 

You shouldn't move in with him, but I understand that this would change things a lot, financially for you.

 

See if the job is really worth it and pays well. If it does, share a house/apartment with someone else, provided you check who the house mate is carefully.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are separated, so we could do whatever. I know from my side, it was just a rebound action. The issue is he lied to me. He told me things were over with this girl. A week and a half later, confessed that he slept with her again and told me he doesn't want to date her. He even had the balls to tell me that she gives him advice on helping us work things out, showed her a picture of me and even said "she is helping us" now I'm no Einstein but she is helping his dick, not me. I was so insluted but he refuses to believe he has lied. WTF

 

That has to be the most disrespectful thing. I had no idea he could be such a pig.

Edited September 30, 2016 by NZgirl

[ExpatInItaly]

He is nowhere near ready to settle down.

 

It's already been 8 years. He knows you're not "The One." His current behaviour supports that theory.

 

Sometimes we don't really know a person the way we thought we did. I am sorry you're going through this. You were both free agents, yes. But I can see why the way he's gone about this is hurtful to you.

 

It's time to really consider this relationship over.

[Buddhist]

I was pretty much lost here when he broke up with you over a lack of a job. That was a giant waving red flag right there. If your partner of 8yrs is having trouble you don't break up with them and place conditions of employment upon them being your partner. Seriously, who does that? Separated for a whole couple of weeks and he's off dating 7 women and sleeping with 2 of them. WTF? Never mind the rest.

 

This is just me, but I'd stay close to friends and family and feel heartbroken there. There's nothing to return to in this other country except an ex who jumps into bed with anything that moves and moves on with another woman in a matter of weeks while his longterm partner is moving mountains to come back to him. He's demonstrated a complete and total lack of commitment in everything that matters for a longterm relationship.

 

Clearly he was so upset over your leaving that he had to hit the clubs and start dating....:roll eyes:

[NZgirl]

We had been long distance for a while. I had tried to find work from March to May and it was killing me. I had applied for all kinds of work. Due to a family situation, I had to leave but I promised him that I would return. About a week or so of being back, he said he couldn't do this anymore and said it was over.

 

He then said, look if you really want to make this work, you need to secure a job here. Not due to just financially reasons but to also show that you aren't going to take off again. He was heartbroken when I left and I was too. I cried for days.

 

So we were separated but we were still talking. During the last few months, he told me that he wasn't dating anyone. I would also keep him up to date with my job search. So when he told me about this other girl after I got the job, I felt so horrible and depressed as he told me lies. When he told me it was over on the weekend of the 18th and that he was going to be focused on us....only to kill me all over again saying that he slept with her last Sunday (25th)

 

I am not angel either as I slept with 2 others but they were just me being on the rebound and one off occasions. I never lied or fabricated stories like he did.

 

What really makes me sick is that he thinks he has done nothing wrong and also told me that this girl is trying to help up. He has been talking to her about our situation, showed her photos of me....she is helping his dick!

[justwhoiam]

Two things don't belong here to this story: 1. your jealousy and 2. your making up excuses to defend both your behaviors.

 

I said you are not in love with each other. You replied with: but we were not together when we slept with other people. Even if the relationship was on hold to figure things out, you didn't miss the chance to have sex with multiple partners. When you're in love with someone, that's not easily done. Commitment went down the toilet, despite the 8 years together.

 

That said, you clearly do what you want, we can only express our opinion about something.

[NZgirl]

Two things don't belong here to this story: 1. your jealousy and 2. your making up excuses to defend both your behaviors.

 

I said you are not in love with each other. You replied with: but we were not together when we slept with other people. Even if the relationship was on hold to figure things out, you didn't miss the chance to have sex with multiple partners. When you're in love with someone, that's not easily done. Commitment went down the toilet, despite the 8 years together.

 

That said, you clearly do what you want, we can only express our opinion about something.

 

 

What am I jealous of? He was allowed and I was allowed to do as we pleased. All bets were off. I love him a lot, but its the lies and the drama created by him that has screwed me over. I was on the rebound....he was actually meeting girls and dating them. He told me that he was not going on dates, that me getting a job would change things and that he also told me that he can finished things with this girl...only to back track a week or so later and confessed he had been with her again.

[justwhoiam]

What am I jealous of?

 

27th September:

since we were split up, I know that each of us could do whatever. However he kept assuring me that he was not dating anyone.

You can read that as a lie, but as he was not your boyfriend, he was not obliged to let you know all his moves. He had checkout of the relationship to be free. What other reasons could he possibly have to check out of the relationship? Have you thought of that?

So you kept informing him of all the steps you were taking, as things were progressing, while he was going on with his life.

He slept with a girl, and told you about it the following day. Crystal clear.

And while still not being your boyfriend! Get it?

You decided you were OK with him going on with his life. You did the same.

I see no room for blaming anyone but yourself, for accepting such foolish plan as "you get a job here and we will be a couple again". That was a crappy plan, just you didn't see it. You still think it made sense. As if people were robots. Today I check out of the relationship, tomorrow we're back together. Simple, uh?

What about feelings for someone?

 

Suppose you had to face an illness. He was dropping you like a hot potato. "As soon as you recover, we'll be back together".

You can't now say "But he said..."

You should have considered that when someone checks out of a relationship, they'll be open to anything else, and that can bring change.

[NZgirl]

27th September:

 

You can read that as a lie, but as he was not your boyfriend, he was not obliged to let you know all his moves. He had checkout of the relationship to be free. What other reasons could he possibly have to check out of the relationship? Have you thought of that?

So you kept informing him of all the steps you were taking, as things were progressing, while he was going on with his life.

He slept with a girl, and told you about it the following day. Crystal clear.

And while still not being your boyfriend! Get it?

You decided you were OK with him going on with his life. You did the same.

I see no room for blaming anyone but yourself, for accepting such foolish plan as "you get a job here and we will be a couple again". That was a crappy plan, just you didn't see it. You still think it made sense. As if people were robots. Today I check out of the relationship, tomorrow we're back together. Simple, uh?

What about feelings for someone?

 

Suppose you had to face an illness. He was dropping you like a hot potato. "As soon as you recover, we'll be back together".

You can't now say "But he said..."

You should have considered that when someone checks out of a relationship, they'll be open to anything else, and that can bring change.

 

Correct but why keep leading me on like I was a back up plan? Why tell me the day that I get the job that this is a positive step, tell me to celebrate and be happy and that we would talk about it all that weekend? Why tell me that you love me, things are over with this girl but then a week and a bit later, tell me you slept with her again? He kept telling me over and over that there was nobody else in the picture and that me securing a job, wouldn't fix everything or make us get back together but would be a massive step in turning this all around. Don't tell me to be excited and to celebrate when you're screwing some random from Tinder.

 

He even told me that this screw of his, was "helping us" WTF - insult of the year. Why toy with me like that? If you want me gone just say, don't tell me bull**** on and off when you feel like it. I am no your plan B

 

This whole time we had be separated but communicating with each other. He told me numerous times that he had thought about things but wanted to work it all out. He made me feel like a back up plan and now I feel like an idiot.

 

He kept assuring me that this whole time, there was nobody else and a few days after i tell him about this job offer, he goes crazy. He is a liar and has betrayed me.

Edited October 2, 2016 by NZgirl

[justwhoiam]

I might be wrong, but a back up plan is something you keep on the side, just in case. If things didn't roll out his way, you were still there. If he had been abrupt, you would have left right away, leaving him without a back up plan.

 

I guess that you shouldn't lose more time on this matter. He didn't really have a plan, he had intentions (to possibly take you back but also to see new girls). And again, with being open to others, drastic change can come. You live, you learn.

[Chris516]

OP that guy is a schemer!!!!

[Els]

I honestly think you should forget this guy and move forward with your life.

[Omei]

He took space in the relationship so he could have sex and it be fair game.

 

And he expects you to come back when he's finished.

 

Dump his ass. Never look back.

[NTV]

You didn't have to agree to the break. You took advantage of it and so did he. It sounds like you're more upset because you thought he would wait around for you. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

I agree with the others that you shouldn't go back to him. I don't think it would be the foundation for a healthy relationship. But I also think you need to check into why you decided to sleep with other guys as a way to cope. That's not exactly healthy.

 

It sounds like you got a little bit to work on for yourself before you get into another serious relationship. These emotions you're going through right now.... I suggest you use this disturbance in the force to gather your strength and work on yourself. Could be there in six months doing that you realize you are out of his League anyway.