Traceycprc Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Hello all, I was wondering, once a cheat always a cheat, or can a leopard change it's spots? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Hello all, I was wondering, once a cheat always a cheat, or can a leopard change it's spots? Even if a leopard could change it's spots -- it's still a leopard and I'd expect it to be on the hunt just like it was when it had spots . . . 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 I think a person can screw up once, recognize that they screwed up, and resolve to be a better person in the future. So no, I don't subscribe to "once a cheater, always a cheater". But I'd want to be assured that the person in question has sufficiently worked through and processed why they cheated and why they won't do so again. And if it was ME they cheated on, they may well not get a second chance in any event, just because. Twice or more? I'd sooner punch myself in the face than take a chance on them. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Think about the last time you lied or cheated, regarding anything or anyone. Did that define your life before or since? If lying to or cheating strangers doesn't bother you, try picking a family member or friend; people you love or feel loyalty to. See how it goes. IME, most people live their lives, recognize errors and the fallibility of being human, accept the milieu and move on, sometimes changing, sometimes not. If you believe there's a reward at the end of life for being perfect and infallible, then that is a noble goal IMO. Good luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vanhalenfan Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 No, I can't say I agree with that statement. It really depends. If cheating occurred ONCE (and considering the circumstances around it), it is very well possible it can be a one-time occurrence. True remorse has to happen as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Traceycprc Posted September 27, 2016 Author Share Posted September 27, 2016 I have been cheated on, first time it was emotional cheating and I forgave him after a lot, and he cut her off. 1 Year later she was back in his life and he cheated and that was the end of our relationship. Maybe I just wasn't the one for him and he couldn't say our relationship had just run it's course. Do happy people cheat? Having spoken to my sister about her relationship woes and her boyfriends cheating, first thing she did was blame herself It then went to, I'm booting him out! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 If a person does something wrong once, it *might* be excusable, but if they do it again, it's a sign that they have become something unwholesome. It's a sign that they have become what they did. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 No, I don't think once a cheat always a cheat. Life is way more complicated than that - these blanket black and white statements rarely ring true. Sure, some people are habitual cheaters. Some people are in bad relationships and make bad choices. Some people have mental health issues and make bad choices, so on and so forth. One thing about having an advanced brain like we do - is that we are capable of learning from our mistakes and not simply at the whim of instincts. Think of it like gambling. Some people stay away from it completely. Some people may place a bet, lose their shirt and say never again! Others become addicted to the rush, and keep gambling even though it damages their life in other ways. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Can a person that cheat not cheat again yes. Can that same person cheat again yes. So what to do? Look for indicators: Cheated once last week VS Cheated once twenty years ago. Cheated once VS cheated two on more times. Personal growth VS no change. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 I think a person can screw up once, recognize that they screwed up, and resolve to be a better person in the future. So no, I don't subscribe to "once a cheater, always a cheater". But I'd want to be assured that the person in question has sufficiently worked through and processed why they cheated and why they won't do so again. And if it was ME they cheated on, they may well not get a second chance in any event, just because. Twice or more? I'd sooner punch myself in the face than take a chance on them. Yep. I agree that it's not so black and white but as GT pointed out, if it were ME who was cheated on, it would be VERY unlikely I'd take them back again no matter what the reason was for their blunder. That's just how I roll. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Here's my poly spin, take it fwiw. I think some ppl who cheat are more or less obeying a biological impulse that says "mate w as many partners as possible" or at least "spread those genes around w a few diff ones." (Which I personally don't think is a bad thing if it's not predicated on lies.) If that's true and it's biology, yeah, most likely that person will be challenged to not keep doing that, just like if you told them to stop eating. The lie factor is more foggy, and being as cheating in many cases is really more about lying, I think that's a much more sociological consideration (except for maybe sociopaths) and thus much harder to predict and less reliable an indicator. In other words liars may - or may not - learn their lesson and make changes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 Hello all, I was wondering, once a cheat always a cheat, or can a leopard change it's spots? It is possible to be a former wayward and be able to live in a healthy relationship after cheating However.... The work involved to gain back trust, demonstrate true remorse, and identifying and reversing character flaws that need to be reversed takes a boatload of effort, and we are talking years, not months or weeks. Often the work necessary to put forth on oneself is in many cases far too difficult an undertaking for a variety of reasons, thus it is more than likely that a cheater will seek the path of least resistance and move on to another relationship and carrying that baggage with them. So while there are those that are able to come back from making such devastating choices, sadly they are few and far between. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 There is a very old saying that goes: The race is not always to the swift; nor the battle to the strong....but that's the way to bet! In other words - while it's possible for a cheater to not keep on cheating, why take the risk? They have proven they have what it takes to slip a knife into their SO's back so why trust that they won't do it again? The chances that a cheater will do it again are much higher than a person who hasn't cheated. Play the odds and stay away from cheaters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 Tracey, I am a firm believer that anyone can change if they are motivated enough. It would depend on the reason why they cheated in the first place. If they did it because of entitlement issues then that person isn't going to be big on self-examination and it's unlikely that they will change. If they did it because they were selfish/cake-eating then, again, I doubt they will change. If they did it because of poor coping skills and boundaries then they might be able to work with that. They would need to get into therapy to explore the issues they have and will need to do quite a bit of work on themselves. Unfortunately, in my experience, cheats I have known have been unable to take responsibility their own behaviour and prefer to blame the faithful partner for "driving them to it". This tongue-in-cheek article sets it all out nicely ; Yes, Their Affair Was Your Fault - Infidelity Help Group 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 A serial cheater, most likely no because it's a behavioral issue. It's like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic even if they don't drink anymore. The temptation is always there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NeotericJack Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 Hello all, I was wondering, once a cheat always a cheat, or can a leopard change it's spots? Depends on the circumstances and the person. Some cheaters always want new experience and probably will cheat for life. Others might cheat to relieve the stress of a bad relationship. If they find a good relationship, the cheating will end. Link to post Share on other sites
howtoproceed Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 There are statistics on this: 50% of all married men with cheat but among the population of cheating men, the odds go up to 70%. Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 I wouldn't say once a cheater always a cheater, but I would say that twice a cheater always a cheater. This is especially true in my opinion if they were caught once, witnessed the horrible aftermath and then proceeded to cheat again. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I don't think any kind of blanket generality is always true for all people. Is it true for some cheaters? yes. Is it true for all cheaters? no I know I'm not the same person I was when I was 20 something, people do grow and change and mature. Some don't and continue to make the same mistakes over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
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