I need my husband to do more...

[tme0]

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half.

We both have a full time job. I also work a part time job and I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning. (I would love him to cook more, and he likes to cook. but I prefer to do it because he likes to "experiment" and it usually ends in a huge mess in the kitchen that he will not clean up and a meal that is not good. I can't eat Hamburger Helper anymore because of what he added to it last time he cooked it, I can't even look at it anymore lol. He also likes to cook weird things like Dove, which I don't like. Then gets mad at me for not eating it. Every time he cooks, it is something he knows I don't like. When I cook, I only make things he likes. I save the stuff I like that he wont eat, for my lunches at work. Anyways, for the sake of this post, I am not complaining about his lack of cooking).

 

We have had countless discussions about how I need him to help out around the house. I can't work 2 jobs and do everything in the home. These conversations fall on deaf ears. Or he might do one chore the next day then think he's fulfilled his duty for the next few months. I'm just so tired of having the same conversation with him.

 

When he gets home from work, he goes straight to the xbox and plays until it is time for bed (he stays up later than he should, which makes it impossible for him to get up the next morning. 9 days out of 10, I have to wake him up (sometimes several times) before he will get up for work.

 

Last week, he stayed up too late and way overslept for work. By the time I woke up it was 20 minutes after he should have left. I woke him up and he decided to call in sick, so he didn't end up going in so late. This really angered me and I talked to him about how it was very irresponsible. (irresponsibility is my biggest pet peeve...especially since he's 28. Nearing 30...)

 

What really sent me over the edge and caused this post was yesterday, I noticed that our lawn was very tall (our neighbor's son mows our lawn, and my husband pays him.) He last mowed it about a month ago. My husband said he was going to pay him one day, so I thought that was taken care of. Yesterday, I asked him if he paid the kid and he said no. Hence why our lawn has not been mowed. So I just went and paid him myself last night.

 

I can't keep on like this, it is like he is a child and won't do ANYTHING unless I tell him (multiple times). I talk to him about this and he agrees it isn't right but then he doesn't do anything about it! Or he will do better the next day but that is it.

 

I have way more to say, but this post is already too long. As you can tell from my post, we don't spend much time together. He considers his gaming to be us spending time together, because after I am done cooking and cleaning, I sit by him on the couch and watch Netflix on my laptop, so that counts as us spending time together (he literally says that). If I suggest us going out, he makes a face and sighs and doesn't want to. I recently suggested us going away for the weekend (I really need it) and he asked why, when every weekend is like a vacation. Yeah, for him maybe when all he does all weekend is game. All I do on the weekend is work and catch up on housework I didn't have time to do during the week.

 

Please advise....

Edited September 28, 2016 by tme0

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't keep on like this, it is like he is a child and won't do ANYTHING unless I tell him (multiple times).

 

Well....then stop.

 

Regardless of how much you complain, you've taught him you'll step in and do it anyway. So all he has to do is tune you out - probably not that hard when playing Call of Duty - and you'll continue to shoulder the load.

 

If you think each of you should do half, start by doing yours - literally. Wash just your clothes, cook just your dinner, pack just your lunch. If you want to go out or away for the weekend, go by yourself to a movie or to visit friends.

 

I'd guess you'll get him to the discussion table pretty quickly. Constructive solutions would include assigning specific chores, hiring someone to clean, designated a day where you both focus on housework. Shouldn't be that hard once you start communicating...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tme0]

Well....then stop.

 

Regardless of how much you complain, you've taught him you'll step in and do it anyway. So all he has to do is tune you out - probably not that hard when playing Call of Duty - and you'll continue to shoulder the load.

 

If you think each of you should do half, start by doing yours - literally. Wash just your clothes, cook just your dinner, pack just your lunch. If you want to go out or away for the weekend, go by yourself to a movie or to visit friends.

 

I'd guess you'll get him to the discussion table pretty quickly. Constructive solutions would include assigning specific chores, hiring someone to clean, designated a day where you both focus on housework. Shouldn't be that hard once you start communicating...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have stopped with his laundry before. He will either start taking dirty clothes out of the hamper to re-wear (which is disgusting) or he will do a tiny load of 2 things, which I don't appreciate since I pay the water and electric bills.

 

When this first started, we did sit down and make a chore chart. It is on our fridge as we speak. I wrote down everything that needs to be done and let him pick out what he wanted to do and I'd do the rest. He never did any of them after that.

 

I think I will just go do something on my own though, like you suggested. that would probably ignite something. Oh you think going away for the weekend is a dumb idea? ok great, don't come along then, i'll probably have more fun alone or with a friend.

 

I guess one of the big issues is I am kind of a neat freak. I get stressed out if there are dishes in the sink or the floor is dirty. So if he won't do it, I do it for my own sanity so to speak.

I grew up in a house where I was expected to clean and my mom wouldn't allow there to be messes. He grew up in a home that is....well....they never clean. There's months old dishes everywhere with mold and bugs in them and gnats flying everywhere and literally so much stuff EVERY where that there is a single path to walk throughout the house.

Edited September 28, 2016 by tme0

[TrustedthenBusted]

Go on strike. That's what I had to do. Just clean up after yourself only. Wash your own dishes by hand and put them away, and let his rot.

 

 

Wash only your own clothes. Cook small meals for yourself.

 

 

I literally made HALF of the bed one morning just to drive the point home.

 

 

When my wife finally flipped out because the house was a mess I told her " You point to ONE thing that is MY mess, and I will be happy to clean it up."

 

 

 

 

I've made it clear with my whole family that I'm not cleaning up after anyone any more. Just myself. My kids are old enough to clean up after themselves, and my wife...well...she's getting there.

 

 

Like you, I am a bit of a neatnik . So it's hard to walk past a mess and not want to clean it up. But stay strong. They need to see the wake of destruction they leave.

 

 

I bet his mom cleaned up after him his whole life, before he became YOUR problem.

[Cinnamonstix]

He grew up in a home that is....well....they never clean. There's months old dishes everywhere with mold and bugs in them and gnats flying everywhere and literally so much stuff EVERY where that there is a single path to walk throughout the house.

 

I'm not sure going on strike will be so effective with someone like this. It does sound like if you left things or only did your half, he wouldn't really care. Nonetheless, it's worth a shot. Maybe some things you'll have to do all the way, like the dishes, otherwise he will just use the clean ones you wash for yourself. But don't do his laundry. If he wears dirty clothes, that's his problem.

 

But it's more than that. He doesn't spend quality time with you. Heck, it basically sounds like he doesn't care about your needs at all. It's all about him.

 

He is a man-child. You must feel very unappreciated and taken for granted. I don't know how you can have any ounce of respect or sexual attraction to him (if you do). If you continue on like this, the resentment will build and build.

 

Have you discussed any of your deeper feelings with him? It sounds like he thinks he can just go on like he is forever and you'll put up with it.

[tme0]

I'm not sure going on strike will be so effective with someone like this. It does sound like if you left things or only did your half, he wouldn't really care. Nonetheless, it's worth a shot. Maybe some things you'll have to do all the way, like the dishes, otherwise he will just use the clean ones you wash for yourself. But don't do his laundry. If he wears dirty clothes, that's his problem.

 

But it's more than that. He doesn't spend quality time with you. Heck, it basically sounds like he doesn't care about your needs at all. It's all about him.

 

He is a man-child. You must feel very unappreciated and taken for granted. I don't know how you can have any ounce of respect or sexual attraction to him (if you do). If you continue on like this, the resentment will build and build.

 

Have you discussed any of your deeper feelings with him? It sounds like he thinks he can just go on like he is forever and you'll put up with it.

 

I've told him before that I'm not happy. He seems baffled and cannot understand how I'm not happy. He says he is a good husband and I can't bring myself to say well,...maybe not exactly. On birthdays and anniversaries, we have to get my gift one day while we're out together, or he won't get anything. And even then, there is no card and he won't wrap it or put it in a bag. And forget about randomly coming home with flowers or a small gift like a chocolate bar or muffin.

 

He thinks because I haven't mentioned how I'm not happy recently, that it means I'm happy now. nothing has changed but suddenly I'm happy. I focus on other things and find happiness in that, so I don't really notice in unless I dwell on it. Otherwise I'd be really miserable.

 

Lately I've been getting annoyed with EVERYTHING he does. I'm sure it is just this all accumulating. He thinks it's just hormones or me being dramatic. I don't tell him every tiny thing he's doing that's annoying me because I don't want to be a nag, but he can tell when I'm annoyed.

 

My birthday was a couple weeks ago and he went Dove hunting all day. There's only like 1 day a year you can go and it fell on my birthday this year. I went out with both of our moms and had a girls day and went shopping and whatnot. When I got home, he was playing games. I showered then asked him to stop the games so we could spend at least an hour together before bed. He looked so confused and didn't want to but he eventually did. That really hurt. to him, birthdays are "dumb" and not worth celebrating because it is just a regular day like any other. That may be his perspective but it isn't mine (or anyone else's that I know...) Funny thing is, when I said I didn't agree with that, and want to go out for my birthday but we can ignore his if that is what he wants, he called me selfish and said that wasn't right to not celebrate his if we celebrate mine.

Edited September 28, 2016 by tme0

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess one of the big issues is I am kind of a neat freak. I get stressed out if there are dishes in the sink or the floor is dirty. So if he won't do it, I do it for my own sanity so to speak.

 

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half.

 

Did you live together before you were married? I'm going to guess you'd at least been to his place, right?

 

How does a "neat freak" marry a guy willing to wear clothes from the bottom of the dirty laundry hamper ??? Almost guaranteed these kinds of problems would present themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tme0]

Did you live together before you were married? I'm going to guess you'd at least been to his place, right?

 

How does a "neat freak" marry a guy willing to wear clothes from the bottom of the dirty laundry hamper ??? Almost guaranteed these kinds of problems would present themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I had been to his place, yes. In his previous job, he worked 12+ hour days, so he didn't really have time be at home and make a mess lol. I attributed the pile of dirty dishes in the sink to his hectic work schedule. His apartment wasn't "clean" but it wasn't too bad. It was a very tiny apartment with not much room for anything, so not really room to make much of a mess.

I didn't know he'd take stuff out of the hamper...I did know about the 2 item loads in the wash though. He was getting dressed one morning a few months back while I was still sleeping and I noticed him walk by me to the hamper so I opened my eyes and saw him digging through it, despite having a closet full of clean clothes. Needless to say, I didn't let him wear that out of the hamper.

[BluesPower]

He is a child and he needs to grow up...

 

And like lucky says, stop doing it.

 

You can try MC but if he is still a child then it won't do any good.

[DKT3]

When I was first married I would do house work because it's how I was raised. I started to notice my wife would complain or redo things I had already done so I stopped. Then she complained about me not doing anything.

 

This is what you're doing.

 

Bottom line is you're not his mother or maid, if you would like him to do something then let him do it. Your way isn't the only way, which I believe is the real issue. I don't really see him not doing anything, I see him not doing it your way and that's is truly what you are complaining about.

[VeveCakes]

In my experience...nothing changed in 5 years. No matter how much I asked, yelled, cried, begged. Wouldn't even let me hire a cleaner to make the problem go away.

 

So I made him go away

[tme0]

When I was first married I would do house work because it's how I was raised. I started to notice my wife would complain or redo things I had already done so I stopped. Then she complained about me not doing anything.

 

This is what you're doing.

 

Bottom line is you're not his mother or maid, if you would like him to do something then let him do it. Your way isn't the only way, which I believe is the real issue. I don't really see him not doing anything, I see him not doing it your way and that's is truly what you are complaining about.

 

Actually no, I don't complain about how he does things. The few times he does things, no he doesn't do them the way I like but I don't say anything because at least he's doing something.

[BettyDraper]

Go on strike. That's what I had to do. Just clean up after yourself only. Wash your own dishes by hand and put them away, and let his rot.

 

 

Wash only your own clothes. Cook small meals for yourself.

 

 

I literally made HALF of the bed one morning just to drive the point home.

 

 

When my wife finally flipped out because the house was a mess I told her " You point to ONE thing that is MY mess, and I will be happy to clean it up."

 

 

 

 

I've made it clear with my whole family that I'm not cleaning up after anyone any more. Just myself. My kids are old enough to clean up after themselves, and my wife...well...she's getting there.

 

 

Like you, I am a bit of a neatnik . So it's hard to walk past a mess and not want to clean it up. But stay strong. They need to see the wake of destruction they leave.

 

 

I bet his mom cleaned up after him his whole life, before he became YOUR problem.

 

This. I must say it's ununsual for me to hear of men who do everything around the house. Even in 2016, it is still women who shoulder the bulk of household duties. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

 

Lots of spoiled brats grow up with overindulgent mothers who do everything and then they become adults and live in filth. If they marry, then they leave everything to their spouses. I once dated an idiot who demanded domesticity from me when he didn't even work. He just sponged off his parents and slept all day. I laughed in his face when he told me that he wanted a "traditional" relationship. I was such a foolish young woman to be with that loser.

 

OP, I agree that you need to just look after your own needs. You can also try giving him a negative consequence or taking something away. This is treating your husband like a child but he acts like one.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Lots of spoiled brats grow up with overindulgent mothers who do everything and then they become adults and live in filth. .

 

had a conversation with my Mother in Law about this once. She was making a joke about how my wife's room was always a mess as a kid, and how she had to keep her mess contained to just her bedroom, and how she learned to respect the rest of the house as a result.

 

I snipped back that it didn't work. Because now I "live in her room" and her Kitchen, and her car, and her garage, and her backyard, and she doesn't seem to respect ANY of it, unless company is coming over.

 

 

It went over like a turd in a punch bowl, but I didn't care. My kids hate cleaning, but the like it when things are clean. I force them to do it, in the hopes that it will become habit forming.

[tme0]

It went over like a turd in a punch bowl, but I didn't care. My kids hate cleaning, but the like it when things are clean. I force them to do it, in the hopes that it will become habit forming.

 

Same. When we go over to his parents' house, he looks around and says, "my gosh, I don't know how I was ever able to live like this." Because with me is the first time he's actually known a clean home. He likes it, he just doesn't want to clean it. Well news, I don't like to clean either. Who does. But sometimes you have to do stuff you don't like to do.

[xxoo]

When you clean, is he home?

 

If so, walk up to him and voice what needs to get done. Emphasis on "need". So, maybe laundry, dishes, vacuuming. Ask him what he wants to do and what you should do.

 

If he says he's playing his game, that's fine. Tell him it can wait until he's done. Just needs to be done before [bedtime, dinner, whatever].

[standtall]

Okay timeo..How long did you date? Did you know these behaviors about him before you got married, or was it the greatest hits version?

One thing I have found is you cannot change a person..you can only change the way you react to them and that may make them change their behavior on their own.

[tme0]

Okay timeo..How long did you date? Did you know these behaviors about him before you got married, or was it the greatest hits version?

One thing I have found is you cannot change a person..you can only change the way you react to them and that may make them change their behavior on their own.

 

We dated for 2 years, and were engaged 1 year. I knew he wasn't a neat freak, but I didn't think he'd be like this either.

 

The way he treats me definitely has changed since we got married. He used to put me first and make time for me and that is not the case anymore.

[elaine567]

In my experience...nothing changed in 5 years. No matter how much I asked, yelled, cried, begged. Wouldn't even let me hire a cleaner to make the problem go away.

 

So I made him go away

I agree that is the only realistic option.

 

OP

Going on strike will likely make no difference whatsoever here.

You are on a hiding to nothing when a person doesn't care about living in an unclean house, making do on the bare minimum of laundry or existing on snacks, takeaways or fry ups.

If YOU are the only one who really cares about how you live, then he knows YOU will capitulate first and YOU will end up doing all the housework and cooking again.

It is no coincidence that he cooks stuff you won't eat or he makes a huge mess, that is deliberate so that he is never needs to cook regularly for the two of you.

[GunslingerRoland]

That isn't a relationship. Even putting aside the cleaning, he comes home and plays video games for hours while ignoring you... that just isn't acceptable. Do you want to have kids at some point? Because cleaning a house is easy mode when you don't have kids...

 

You can't keep treating him like a kid... you have to tell him what you expect of him, and consider leaving if he can't bring more to the relationship. (what does he bring to it now exactly?)

[Arieswoman]

vevecakes post #11

 

In my experience...nothing changed in 5 years. No matter how much I asked, yelled, cried, begged. Wouldn't even let me hire a cleaner to make the problem go away.

 

So I made him go away

 

:lmao:

 

That's the funniest thing I've read for about a week - kudos to you !

[Mr. Lucky]

If YOU are the only one who really cares about how you live, then he knows YOU will capitulate first and YOU will end up doing all the housework and cooking again.

 

Makes sense. One thing that's so tough about relationships - the person who cares the least has the most power.

 

Sorry OP, as a couple you seem mismatched in this sense from the very beginning. These are the kinds of things you're supposed to work out before marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

tme0,

I feel for you because I had this for 4 years with my exH.

 

He made every excuse under the sun not to do stuff and said he was tired because of his shift work. So I suggested he come off shifts and we could have more time together.

Nothing changed. He still stayed in bed until 12.00 Sat & Sun and only surfaced in time to watch sport on TV.

 

So I went on strike and refused to do anything for him. Being a neat-freak it nearly gave me a breakdown but I stuck it out. He had to get dirty shirts out of the washbasket to wear. The sink was piled high with used dishes and was overflowing onto the worktops. The fridge was filthy and empty apart from a cucumber growing mold and milk that was rapidly turning into yogurt.

 

There were takeaway carton all over the lounge and coffee cups of his with mould in the bottom. Dust balls were blowing down the hall.

 

And did he step up to the plate and do anything? Did he feck.

 

What he did do was start an affair

 

And now he's her problem

 

So sorry OP, he won't change - so what you need to do is change your address, permanently.

 

I'm sorry x

[AMJ]

This would drive me nuts! You either continue to nag him, do all the chores yourself, or learn to live in filth. I think if a person never learned how to take care of themselves (doing dishes, doing laundry is taking care of yourself) by a certain age, then it's a lost cause. I think you signed up to be his mom when you married him. He's only going to get irritated when you nag him, and disappoint you if you leave the chores for him to do, expecting him to grow up and do them. He'd prefer you to do the chores yourself, or suffer in silence in his filth. All terrible options for you. This is a huge compatibility issue.

And his lack of effort into your relationship in general- most wives expect at least SOME sort of recognition for their birthdays....and you've only been married a year?

What will he do when you have children's birthdays to celebrate?

 

And how is he going to contribute to raising children in general? If he can't handle basic chores around the house, is he going to help with diapers and bath times, and cleaning up kid messes, nighttime feedings? It sounds like you're already taking care of a giant baby.

[BettyDraper]

had a conversation with my Mother in Law about this once. She was making a joke about how my wife's room was always a mess as a kid, and how she had to keep her mess contained to just her bedroom, and how she learned to respect the rest of the house as a result.

 

I snipped back that it didn't work. Because now I "live in her room" and her Kitchen, and her car, and her garage, and her backyard, and she doesn't seem to respect ANY of it, unless company is coming over.

 

 

It went over like a turd in a punch bowl, but I didn't care. My kids hate cleaning, but the like it when things are clean. I force them to do it, in the hopes that it will become habit forming.

 

My mother forced my brother and I to clean. She was far more insistent with me because I am female and my mom is old fashioned. I'm glad someone taught me how to be neat because too many men and women these days are pigs.

 

I can't imagine why someone would spend thousands on a house and then not even take care of it! It took my husband and I years to save for our home. We lived in tiny apartments and made many sacrifices so I'll be damned if I'm going to let our biggest asset look awful. If a residence is rented, it belongs to someone else and only a very inconsiderate person would keep another person's house dirty.

 

You're a better man than most with respect to cleaning. I'm sorry to say that your wife sounds rather lazy and entitled. I know that seems insulting but I am being honest based on what you have shared. I apologize if you are offended.