I need my husband to do more...

[spanz1]

 

I can't keep on like this, it is like he is a child and won't do ANYTHING unless I tell him (multiple times). I talk to him about this and he agrees it isn't right but then he doesn't do anything about it! Or he will do better the next day but that is it.

....

 

this sounds a lot like my marriage too. My wife does a LOT of little things that really peeve me. And i tried to get her to stop. but you know what, after 30 years, i am finally just giving up. No matter how many times i tell her "don't do X"...sure enough a month later, there she is doing X, and not remembering in the slightest way how i did not want her to do it.

 

I guess it is just two strong willed people doing things their way, and not really ever accepting direction from someone else.

 

I would say...just give it up...you will be a lot more happy NOT trying to change his behavior, and constantly being let down.

[lucy_in_disguise]

The more you share about your relationship, the more I think counseling could really help. There are two options here- either your husband is a lazy, selfish ashsole who does not care at all about your happiness or he just doesn't "get" it. Doesn't understand that wives need quality time and fun on their terms to feel connected. Doesnt get that the outrageous amount of time he is spending playing xbox is rightfully aggravating you and interfering with both your quality of life. Doesn't get that his behavior around the house is unfair, unacceptable, and causing you stress.

 

I assume you had good reasons for marrying him, so hopefully it is the latter option. The first year of marriage (and cohabitation) can be stressful, and the two of you didn't date for very long, either, so it's not surprising that you are running into these communication issues at this point. There is no shame in seeking marriage counseling. On the contrary, it shows you care about the relationship and are willing to use all the resources you have available to make it as good as possible. A good counselor can help you improve your communication skills, get both of you to hear each other and hopefully make some changes. If communication is not the issue here and your husband truly is just a dcki- counseling can also help you realize this faster, hopefully allowing you to make a better decision about how to proceed with that info.

 

I don't see how anyone can move forward in your marriage with the status quo. You are not crazy for having issues with this behaivior- most self-respecting women would not tolerate it. I think your husband will need a wake-up call to change, though, since he doesn't seem to be hearing you now.

Edited October 5, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[Els]

 

Someone asked if he took me on dates when we were dating. Yes! Weekly. We had so much fun while we were dating. We went to the beach, to the movies, to dinner, ice cream, walks downtown, we went to concerts, we went to Georgia for the Coke Factory and Aquarium, North Carolina for Biltmore House, we did so many things. Now, I can't get him to stop at the grocery store on our way home for 5 minutes. I bring this up to him, about how we used to do such fun stuff and now we're an "old married couple" and his answer is "well that was because we were dating. you can't expect it to remain that way for the rest of our lives. You lived with your parents so I had to take you out to be able to spend time alone with you. now we are married and i see you everyday, we don't have to go out some place in order to spend time together" Our dating life was so so fun and it was like a light switch when we got married. Went from fun to nothing. My parents go out and do more stuff together than we do...

 

Ugh. This is why I'm a huge supporter of couples living together before they marry, but I digress...

 

I think you need to express to him exactly how badly this is affecting you and that if he isn't willing to work on things, you will have to leave. At this stage I think that's the only way to jolt him out of his complacency... if he even cares enough for it to work. You can't carry on like this, him never wanting to do anything with you or anything around the house. It's like living with your teenage son, except he's not your son.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Trusted, this is like strike 6 against your wife.

 

What exactly DOES she do?

 

Sorry. haven't logged on in awhile and was catching up. Just seeing this now.

 

It's a fair question.

 

My wife has cheated on me many years ago, is a terrible cook and housekeeper, and has become absolutely no fun in bed these last few years.

 

Those are her strikes. And yeah, they are big ones.

 

She is also a very dedicated mother, a hard working professional, and in many other ways a good life partner. She's a nice person, friendly, funny, charismatic, and she takes good care of herself. We do have fun together, and enjoy eachother's company. She is the mother of my kids, and the other head of household.

 

So, I stay, and keep working on it.

 

As I've said on here many times, if we didn't have kids, I really don't think we'd still be together. But we do, and that keeps me here, and keeps me working on it. ( vs simply "staying for the kids" )

[BettyDraper]

Sorry. haven't logged on in awhile and was catching up. Just seeing this now.

 

It's a fair question.

 

My wife has cheated on me many years ago, is a terrible cook and housekeeper, and has become absolutely no fun in bed these last few years.

 

Those are her strikes. And yeah, they are big ones.

 

She is also a very dedicated mother, a hard working professional, and in many other ways a good life partner. She's a nice person, friendly, funny, charismatic, and she takes good care of herself. We do have fun together, and enjoy eachother's company. She is the mother of my kids, and the other head of household.

 

So, I stay, and keep working on it.

 

As I've said on here many times, if we didn't have kids, I really don't think we'd still be together. But we do, and that keeps me here, and keeps me working on it. ( vs simply "staying for the kids" )

 

If you're still married only because you have children, isn't that the definition of "staying for the kids"?

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm trying to be difficult but I'm just not grasping what you mean.

 

Ever since I was a teenager, I've noticed that many couples only stay married or coupled because of their kids. They live in quiet desperation, disappointment and sadness. It's one of the reasons I'm childfree-my husband and I will never feel like we must continue our marriage for the sake of children. We are not trapped in our marriage by obligation.

Edited November 15, 2016 by BettyDraper

[JoeSmith357-1]

He is a child and he needs to grow up...

 

And like lucky says, stop doing it.

 

You can try MC but if he is still a child then it won't do any good.

 

I am kind of in a situation like this myself, where I, as a guy, end up doing much more than my fair share of the household chores.

 

I tried leaving her mess where it was, and had no effect. Took a blow-up to change behavior and it was a slow process.

[Sweetfish]

You know how many men dream of a woman like you..

 

Talk about taking a good thing for granted.

[TrustedthenBusted]

If you're still married only because you have children, isn't that the definition of "staying for the kids"?

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm trying to be difficult but I'm just not grasping what you mean.

 

Ever since I was a teenager, I've noticed that many couples only stay married or coupled because of their kids. They live in quiet desperation, disappointment and sadness. It's one of the reasons I'm childfree-my husband and I will never feel like we must continue our marriage for the sake of children. We are not trapped in our marriage by obligation.

 

It's not really like that. It's not like I stay for the kids and just put up with what happened.

 

I was very angry and very hurt, and in the absence of kids, I wouldn't have listened to her, wouldn't have asked why, or how, or for any details. I just would have taken all the toys, and half the money, and left.

 

But walking away from two small children just isn't in me. ( apparently it was in my father though ) Because of them, I gave her a chance. I listened, I learned, I accepted some of the things I had done wrong too, and decided that I would give our marriage ONE MORE chance, with the caveat that if anything even remotely close to this happens again, that's it. I would consider ANY action of hers involving another man, that I disapprove of, a final act of betrayal, and her definitive choice to end our marriage. She understands this unequivocally, and has been doing all the right things in this regard for the last 8 years or so.

 

The question I ask myself these days is " Will we be happy after the kids move out?" If I felt the answer was no, I'd consider divorce today.

 

But I feel like the answer is yes.

[Mz. Pixie]

to the OP

 

First of all, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT have kids with this guy. That is the LAST THING you need.

 

I was married before to a hunter, a fisherman etc. He was gone so much that he never stayed home. We did have two wonderful kids together that I adore and wouldn't take anything for, but I raised them mostly by myself on weekends. When he wasn't away having fun he did help with their raising, but I still worked full time and did the majority of the cooking, cleaning, paying bills etc. I did supplement with housekeepers over the years as I could afford it.

 

I had an affair, and then later left him (not for the other man). When I moved into my apartment, I was incredibly relieved because it was so easy to take care of without him, even with the kids.

 

He's remarried now and only slightly better about being at home, he has substituted work now for the fun times he used to have- but still an escape.

 

I wasted 13 years with him, and now I have someone who is an equal partner. Think hard about it, you went from being his girlfriend to being his mom. Period.