LMNS Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 Good morning, My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. July of this year, we separated. We continued to text randomly and/or talk, mostly because I was not able to move out of our apartment until September. I have officially been "away" from him for 2 weeks. The texts still continued, mostly from me, with the exception of a random one here and there from him. The other day, i told him that perhaps I shouldn't inquire about what his plans were for the day/night (who he was going out with etc) and I would leave him alone regarding that topic. He had asked how his mom was doing (i am living with his mother to get back on my feet) and i told him honestly, how she was my rock, helping feed me/roof over my head, being there for me emotionally. I had sent him one last email basically apologizing for my behaviour(in the past) and how i felt. (it was well written and not a begging him back letter) Up until that day, he would answer my texts and actually talk to me. The next day, he wouldn't. He finally said he didn't feel like talking to me right now. I asked why? He said because of all the things i said. Hmm - well we all know texting can be misunderstood for meaning - tried to explain that. Apologized for anything i did wrong (still don't understand what i did) and even said, was it the emailed letter? (no response) He then told me, to give him some space. So i did. Yesterday, i had to ask him a question, so i texted and asked and he let me ask him. The banter went on for a bit, all me, one word replies back from him. I asked if it was ok to text him, how come i do all the talking? (meaning, if i say, hey i did this today or that, he won't really respond back) He said, that he didn't feel like it yet, he still needed space but i could still text him. See, this is what i am confused about, i can still text him, but don't expect conversation back on his part? I don't understand where the give me space comes in... We already agreed we would stay friends, i am hoping we change our outcome and get back together, but for right now, i really don't want to loose his friendship. I hope this makes sense, just confused. Sometimes its obvious but when you are in this situation, everything is so blurred. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 You don't provide any background to the problems in your marriage, but I'd guess he is confused. Was the separation your idea? He might be wondering why, if you don't want to be with him, there's a need for some much interaction... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LMNS Posted September 28, 2016 Author Share Posted September 28, 2016 Married almost 5 years, I suggested trial separation cause he looked miserable. He changed it to regular separation in a few days. July it started, I moved out in September to stay at his mothers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 It sounds like he's doing the 180 to detach from you and move on. Sorry 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 Its clear that the medium of texting isn't working for you. I don't feel it's a good choice for discussing anything important. I always prefer voice. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LMNS Posted September 29, 2016 Author Share Posted September 29, 2016 He told me today he can't be friends right now, but I still could text him stuff like good things that happened etc. He said he needed space, time to heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LastAcorn99 Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 I’m sorry to learn about the problem you’re facing in your marriage. I feel that you both should meet up and talk about whatever issues that’s causing this separation. I would also suggest seeing a marriage counselor. Sending you hugs! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LMNS Posted September 29, 2016 Author Share Posted September 29, 2016 Thank you for your kind words. I suggested that very thing in July, but he had no desire. I guess right now what is really confusing me is this: He went from being friendly to acting like i had some terrible illness that he couldn't be around. I don't know how else to explain it. Yesterday when he told me he just couldn't be "friends" right now, he wouldn't sit next to me to talk to me regarding it, he looked miserable. I think that is what is so confusing to me. Yes i am aware i need to concentrate on myself right now, stop worrying about how he feels, what he thinks, but when you are married to someone for any length of time, thats difficult to do. Of course i care how he feels or what he thinks. Is this difficult for me? Sure the heck is! But knowing we are still friends, helps me, idk. Maybe if i wasn't in a country where really all i have is him and his family, id feel a bit better. It is DIFFICULT to be living with his mother, although i am grateful for it, he is everywhere here. The straw that broke the camels back i think for us was, he became friends with a much older female at work. He was just thrilled to be around her, hear about all her life stories etc. He wanted to "hang out" with her, go on hikes, go to her house to drink, hang out together before work, lunch etc. I had a bit of an issue with it. I didn't might some things, but some requests just didn't rub me the right way. I guess i was being "old fashioned" like he said. He is now renting his own place with her and with another family member. Sharing an apartment, she's upstairs, they are downstairs. Talk about trying to let that dissolve. He told me, he thought id be upset, i stayed very positive, told him congrats on finding a place. Although inside it killed me, do i trust him? Sure, but i think id trust him more if he didn't tell me that first day of our separation he hit on her. I guess she turned him down. He said he doesn't feel that way anymore about her (cause i wasn't pushing him towards it) but how does one go from wanting to sleep with a woman to having no desire? See, in the beginning of our separation the "main" reason ( i say main because this is what i was told over and over) he wanted to leave was he wanted to be a crazy 20 year old (his words, he's almost 27) He said he didn't want any regrets, he wanted to live on his own (he never had), travel etc. I started going over some of the things i thought i did that was incorrect in our marriage, i apologized, he made sure to let me know it wasn't just me, it took two of us. I was on medication that severely took away my sex drive, and desire for anything, really. I have since changed that after being in the hospital. Wishing i would of wanted to do that sooner. I was his first everything, he really didn't have friends to hang out with until this year, that really helped with him realizing, ok, I'm not happy, i want these things in my life. He tells me, we want different things, i want to be 26. Guess i never knew we wanted different things lol news to me. (yes i am older than he) I had admitted myself into the hospital in July for very personal reasons because of this break up. He mentioned to me that, that action doesn't just effect me, he needed time to heal from that as well. I just don't want to loose his friendship. Thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 The straw that broke the camels back i think for us was, he became friends with a much older female at work. He was just thrilled to be around her, hear about all her life stories etc. He wanted to "hang out" with her, go on hikes, go to her house to drink, hang out together before work, lunch etc. I had a bit of an issue with it. I didn't might some things, but some requests just didn't rub me the right way. I guess i was being "old fashioned" like he said. He is now renting his own place with her and with another family member. Sharing an apartment, she's upstairs, they are downstairs. Talk about trying to let that dissolve. He told me, he thought id be upset, i stayed very positive, told him congrats on finding a place. So he leaves you because he's "miserable" and moves in with this woman he's "thrilled" to be around? LMNS, sounds like a pretty standard storyline, including his interest in her making him dissatisfied with you. I'd guess there's more than friendship going on. Sorry you're here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author LMNS Posted September 29, 2016 Author Share Posted September 29, 2016 I would say you were right but I asked him if he still had an interest in her, he said no, I've told you this before. I believe him. Her lease was up in December and he needed to find a place to live with his cousin, so I guess they got together for that. I am giving him his space like requested, I did ask if I should have NC and he got upset said, you go from A to Z, I said you could text me, just give me some breathing room (guess I was doing it too much idk) Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 Hi LMNS, looks like your story is going to have a dad ending. Can you let us know when and in what circumstances you met? Also you have mentioned that you ate living in his country and you don't have any friends or family there. Which country is this and where do you belong to? Off the cuff I would say that you should implement the 180 with your husband. You are coming across SD a clingy type and I am sure that is driving him further away. Forget about trying to be friends with him. It seems he had checked out of your marriage and is not really interested in you anyore. Do you work or are you a SAHW ? I am sorry but your marriage seems to be over and the sooner this registers with you the better for you. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Pollyannaslim Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I am so sorry to hear about your situation and know how your heart must be hurting and am thankful you have the help and support of your MIL! About a week has passed by since your post -how is everything going? It has been my prayer that in this time, you and your H have been able to get a few things resolved. You mentioned that he is not interested in MC - would IC be something you would consider? He/she can really help you sort out the confusion and provide you with some direction as far as what steps should next be taken. Also, if you are comfortable doing so, might you possibly reach out to your local pastor? So often those who are faced with life's challenges find that there is nothing quite like the loving support and compassion of their church community. There is no need to work through this alone. People really do want to help! I have been thinking about you, praying and will continue to do so! Please let us know how you are doing! Link to post Share on other sites
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